I don't have much heart for writing what's happened here the last several days, but someone has to; this must be noted. I need to do this, I suppose & Greg deserves to be remembered as best we know how.

MT wrote a bare bones account of his death. We'll never be sure why he died; it may simply have been the shock but Anne suspects a clot of fat dislodged from the marrow where the break was & later, lodged in his heart or brain. Had it been his lungs or another part of his little body, we'd have seen obvious distress. The fact that he simply died in his sleep suggests the heart or brain.

That's no comfort - not to me, his parents or anyone else here. I'm so angry at God; I know that's wrong but I'm only human. The trouble with that is, it makes me wordless in the face of the childrens' questions as to why God saw fit to take Greg from us. I remember all the old sayings; God takes the innocent before they can become corrupted by mans' doings, Only the good die young, Children are only borrowed & not given & God only gives us what we can bear. Well He's certainly stretching that "what we can bear" part.

Sam has been white faced & silent; eating very little & sleeping less. He reminds me of a zombie, wordless, expressionless & slow in his movements. Maxine is having a tremendously difficult time with this. She fainted dead away yesterday morning; I don't think she'd really eaten since Greg died. Oh my Lord, that's so hard to write! Greg died.

Greg died.

It doesn't seem any more real, no matter how often I tell myself that or how often I stare at it written here. I've just blanked out for the past twenty or so minutes. That happens whenever I think of Greg.

Annette has been a real treasure. I can't begin to describe how loving she's been with Sammy & Timmy, with the other children as well. She's been shadowing her mother too, since Maxine fainted, making sure she eats a little bit at least, every few hours. She's tried her best to take over Max's jobs & MT finally had to tell her that she too, needed some rest. She broke down then, telling MT she can't bear to not be doing something, that she's afraid she'll go crazy if she thinks about Greg too much. I doubt that very much, but she must feel especially fragile; to have 2 such momentous & terrible events occuring within such a short span of time. What a terrible trial for all of us, but I fear it may be impacting her the most right now.

MT suddenly looks extrmely old & frail. She's very tired & is spending much of her time sitting with her Bible. She's barely eating herself & I fear for her if she doesn't find some comfort, some source of strength.

Jake & Andy have taken on the task of building a coffin for Greg. We plan on burying him tomorrow before sunset & Drew has, I know already planned where he'll dig the grave site, although he hasn't said a word directly. I hope it's a peaceful, quiet place, a location where we can sit quietly & grieve when we must, remember him when we choose to. But oh, it will be a long time before I can think of the dear boy without my heart aching unbearably.

Jake & Andy... and Cindy are as heartbroken as are Sam & Max. They've been pretty quiet, all of us have & have been working themselves to the bone these last few days. Work brings no comfort, but it helps the merciless string of days pass. I'm not even sure what they'e been doing. I know they've been caring for the animals, keeping the yard cleared & moving manure around. I think Andy has done some work sharpening the plough shares we have. The women have been sewing in a frenzy, repairing those items of clothing not already repaired & making from scratch other items. Somehow, I find I don't care what specifically they're doing, as long as it keeps them out of my way & fills some need.

I can't stand looking at anyone; speaking to them is even more difficult to contemplate. I don't know what to say. I have no words of comfort, no wise advice... not right now & not for anyone. How can I when I can't comfort myself to the least degree?

I'm still too shocked & numb by turns to think much of the effect this is having on individuals save those I've already mentioned. They will in time, probably speak for themselves.

I've spent a very difficult day with Sam, Maxine, the children & MT, planning a funeral. I've written & given eulogies before, some for dear friends, but this... this is impossible. Nothing I can think to say can do such a beloved child justice. Don't get me wrong, he was not perfect. He did his best to avoid school work & could be ruthless with Sammy. But his true nature was that of a kind, caring person. He was bright, just hated school work. I like to think he would have been a fine man to work with animals. Like Annette, he had patience with dumb creatures & since The Outbreak began had shown an increase in real maturity, caring for the younger boys & being pretty patient with them.

It's hard to plan a funeral under these circumstances. We have no flowers, no wreaths, none of the symbols we're so accustomed to. We have no headstone, nor a 'proper' coffin. And oh, God help me; the thought of that precious baby lying under the icy, sharp snow is almost more than I can bear. I know it's not Greg that's there, but still...

Andy told me that he, Jake, Joe & Morgan will carry the coffin from the house after we hold a service here. Andy wishes to speak of Greg fora few minutes & Annette has quietly asked me if she can speak of him as well. I think his brothers , Sammy & young Timmy also wish to say a few words. Jean has told me she used to sing in a competitive choir & will sing a few hymns if Sam & Maxine wish... they do.

Morgan will speak a prayer over the gravesite & the 2 older boys have volunteered to fill in the grave. We'll let them; I don't think any of us who knew him can bear the thought of doing that. Greg told me he buried both his parents & can deal with this; bless the boy.

I'm not sure what else I can say at this point. This is still too raw for me to think of memorializing Greg properly on paper. I have many memories of him I wish to write, to share with his descendants of sorts. Whoever you are, I wish you'd have known him. He was a good boy.

He would have ben a wonderful, honest & true man.

God watch us over all in these next, very difficult 24 hours...