MT here again, 'back at you' as the CB radio people used to say many years ago. Goodness, it wasn't that many years was it? Today, it simply seems that way. I've picked up a touch of head cold, probably from the children. Little rascals sniffed & sneezed for perhaps 18 hours, then magically recovered - must be all the good food & work. I may be a few days feeling this poorly & Anne ordered me to take to my chair, to write & to rest. I'm getting a little grumpy about all these directions to 'rest'. Who has time to rest, really? The able bodies & young are working almost until they drop these last few days & little complaining is being heard. Granted, they're probably far too tired too complain, but nevertheless, it's encouraging to see so much effort being put out by everyone. I must tell Anne that I've gained 4 pounds in the last 2 months! Now after cancer & chemotherapy, that's excellent. My oncologist had told me I'd be lucky if I ever put the weight back on & it's amazing how much difference a few pounds can make. I won't say much about WHERE the weight has gone, as I know few people who are ever happy about where spare pounds happen to lodge. In my case, they're not really spare, so I'd best not grumble.

Anne & Noreen spent some time today, while we were taking a short break for coffee to pitch the idea of them taking a trip to town for a few days. Anne would no doubt be most welcome at the medical clinic as an extra set of hands. I'm sure she'll learn a great deal & no doubt has things to teach. I know she's concerned about Louise & Cindy & I suspect she privately hopes to coax either the doctor or one of the nurses; there is one who's done labor & delivery before to come & "visit" for a day or so, if only to check out the women. They've no complaints about their pregnancies except I know Cindy has bad heartburn & is getting kicked to death from the inside. I suspect she's a bit confused about her due date as she looks within a few weeks of delivery. She can't be that much mistaken & perhaps is simply one of those women who gains a fair bit of weight. Or, she could simply have a large baby & that would undoubtably concern Annie. Noreen is quite determined to get to town & bring home canning supplies & I have to agree with her. We could use a lot of pickling & coarse salt as well, especially as we'll not be able to freeze meat for some many months yet & we'd all hate to see good food wasted. I suppose we can always trade some of it with neighbors, if they have anything we can use. But I don't blame either of the women for wanting to get away for a day or two, perhaps a bit more. It's hard being confined to this one small location. Alex & Joe were away for a time, although that hardly qualifies as a break. Sarah, Morgan, Alex have been away. Noreen was the one time, as was Jean, but I think it would do everyone good to get away for a time.

Sam & Maxine could certainly use some relief. They both continue to be very quiet, although I see no signs that worry me unduly. They're keeping weight on & I think they're both sleeping reasonably well - they surely must be with all the work needing doing. Maxine is branching out in terms of cooking, going through recipe books & trying new things. With this number of people it's hard to make something no one likes, although she’s keeping track of the more popular items & those easiest to prepare. She took a walk earlier today on her own - something I was glad to see. She headed off to the woods after letting me know she wouldn't be long. She wasn't gone more than 2 hours & looked somewhat lighter in spirit when she returned. Jared - bless that boy. He'd seen her leave & watched for her to come back in sight. When he saw her, he walked up to her, carrying a little bunch of violets he'd found somewhere. I saw him give them to her, then take her hand & lead her somewhere for a bit. She told me later he'd found a fox den & wanted to share that with her - how sweet! The idea of a fox den near by is far less sweet, I'm afraid. Thinking of a mother fox with kits this close to the hen house is worrisome. I told Drew & Noreen immediately & I think there are "plans" afoot to make said den & its inhabitants disappear. I'll have to warn Maxine, in case Jared notices the absence of his new discovery. It seems a shame, but we can't afford to be soft.

Sam plans to help Morgan with his barn project this week. I think he still feels a lot of anger about Greg's death, anger he can't direct anywhere as it simply happened. Some hard, physical work might help right now. The anger is displayed in terse, clipped speech, little expression on his face & he looks as though he's a wire wound too tightly. I've noticed the children seem nervous around him, as if they're not sure how to talk to him, how to approach him... I hope that passes. He's in so much pain though & lately, has turned from God. I can understand he's angry & even understand that he feels this is God’s 'fault' somehow, but he'll have to come to terms with that in his own way, in his own time. I think perhaps HE may need to go to town with the women. He's handy enough with the dogs & Sarah's aim in teaching others to work with them was to free herself from being the chauffeur when such trips needed making. I know she wants to spend time working the land herself as she doesn't feel working her teams is as much of a contribution as what others are doing.

Mark took his morning break with me - it was clear to me he wanted to talk over something & it was just a matter of letting him get to it in his own way. Oh to be young again, although that may not be so good. He wanted my honest opinion as to how long we might be faced with living this way. The poor boy; he’s terrified he doesn't know enough, can't learn what he needs to fast enough & can't keep up to the men. I remind myself he’s the youngest of the "adults" & somewhat poised between being a child & a man. I told him what I thought, that we were in this mess for quite some time, probably years but that we ALL had much to learn & God surely had many things to put in our path. He paled at that, but I give him credit for not saying much after that, just nodding & obviously thinking. I told him to come on back this evening after supper, we could talk more if he had more questions. Her only had time for a break of fifteen or so minutes & he's not one to take extra time.

It must be so different for the teens. The adults have all LIVED; we've laughed & loved, married, borne children in most cases & worked. We've had experience of people & places, have shared & argued over new ideas & most of us have had a reasonable amount of education. But for Alex, Mark & Annette, childhood was just behind them & much of what we older ones have lived lay ahead of them. Now they're afraid & sad - how many of those experiences will they miss? Perhaps many but to balance that, they'll experience many situations most of us never dreamed possible as younger folk. Poor Annette; she's already faced an indescribable dilemma & to her credit, seems to have come to terms with it. I know Jake & Joe have spoken to her about their experiences & some of the very hasty decisions they were forced to make under strained circumstances. The boys have dealt with quite a bit too & I marvel at the strength & flexibility the three have shown.

But it's still sad to think that their plans for their futures may be gone permanently. Granted, I doubt they really knew what they wanted to do with their lives. Annette had no clear idea & Alex was leaning towards studying English, History & such - perhaps going into journalism. That reminds me, I must push him to write a bit more. Writing needs no normalcy to be practiced & the post Outbreak world may still have media of a sort! Mark loves horses, that's clear & he may be the least affected in terms of career. Horses now will be considered as ubiquitous as cars once were, at least for the foreseeable future.

Still, our teens are feeling as uncertain as we all are, but are still just a mite too young to realize we too are worried sick about what MIGHT happen down the road. We don't have the answers. I wonder if we think of all the right questions to ask. But of course as a young person, it's hard to be convinced that YOU are not the center of the universe & they're of an age where ego can be a hindrance. They can be reluctant to question, to voice uncertainties - perhaps we adults, the REAL adults, need to be more mindful of that. I may have a chat with Morgan on just that topic. He may not be well educated in the formal sense, but he has the most delightful sense of wonder & isn't afraid to ask questions when he doesn't know something he feels is important. He may be the best suited to coax the teenagers into being a bit more open about concerns.

I envy our little ones. Within their age range, there are few serious worries. I do feel the need to give them plenty of hugs, they've all lost dearly loved ones & that's hard at any age. They've been thrust in amongst strangers & although they're being strong little souls, it must be terribly frightening at times for them all. I've noticed the sweet little bears Sarah made them are being well 'broken in'. That was a wonderful idea, giving the little ones an opportunity to hug something late at night. David & Ashley especially carry theirs around with them frequently. Carol & Izzy keep theirs in their beds, preferring to hug kittens instead.

Those kittens! They're at the age now where they have more energy than brains & their mother must be having fits. Mark came out of the barn this morning followed by a most annoyed Mother Cat. He'd found one of the kittens sound asleep between the legs of one of the mares. I imagine the mare is used to such goings on for as Mark put it, she was patiently standing there with an orange kitten half draped over her front hoof with a comical look on her face. Mark swears she sighed in relief when he entered her stall & removed the brash little mite. She was only in overnight because she appeared a bit off her feed yesterday. She's fine today.

The children spent a good hour or so with Jean & Sarah looking at calves, touching them & seeing for themselves how silly young animals can be. Such behavior may be endearing in kittens; puppies & other small animals but can be quite dangerous in larger animals. Annette reminded them of how her leg was accidentally cut by a startled foal. It's healing but looks rather nasty & I hope the children were suitably impressed.

Mark decided today was a good day to give the children riding tests, to see what they've learned & what they still need to learn. Jared is a careful & fearless rider, an interesting combination! He can trot fairly well although it took him a few days to grasp the concept of posting to a trot. He canters a bit now too, without having a death grip on the pony. Izzy isn't keen on trotting & Mark has told her she'll not be leaving the corral until she learns to LISTEN when he tells her she must learn something. Ashley, Carol & Sammy are doing quite well & the others are coming along. All can safely walk on their own around the corral, able to turn their horses, make them start & stop as directed & Mark is satisfied that before much time has passed, they'll be fairly safe on the animals.

He taught them to fall today & I went outside for a few minutes, (well bundled up of course), to amuse myself watching that. He explained to them that EVERY rider eventually falls & that while it couldn't be avoided, the damage to rider if not ego could certainly be minimized. He started by showing them how to roll to lose some of the force of a fall, then had them sit on a low rail & "fall" off. After doing this several times, falling in both directions; he put them on the shortest & most quiet pony & had them fall off that one. It was hard, but they managed & after a while, the boys started showing off; trying for spectacular looking "falls". Seeing as they were comfortable with that, he then had the ponies walk & had Joe walk along side for safety. He periodically had them deliberately fall off & once they had that safely under their belts, told them Joe would push them off unexpectedly. The result? One slightly bleeding nose, 2 scratched cheeks & kids who should be fairly safe at least on a pony at slow speeds.

As a result of his hard work & probably to spur the others on to greater efforts, Mark announced that tomorrow, when he takes Drew his lunch, he'll be riding out & Jared will be going with him on one of the ponies - his first real outing. Jared looked so proud & the other envious. Izzy whined about it being "no fair", but Mark handled it well. He reminded her that riders above all needed to be reliable & that she hadn't proven herself to be open to instruction the way she should be. Certainly she was brave enough & never cried when she got bounced off, but she had to LISTEN & do what she was told in order to avoid real injury. She didn't like hearing that & stomped off looking like a thundercloud. She's been pretending Mark doesn't exist since then & he's told me that if she doesn't lose that attitude by supper, he'll not "see" her when it's time for riding lessons tomorrow! Goodness, I'm glad that girl isn't much older. She'd be giving us real fits in terms of her behavior.

Joe & Andy have been very quiet since they returned from town. They've both taken about three showers each & I suspect I know what they're trying to wash away - the thought of & stink of death. I can't imagine some of the horrible sights they were faced with & it's a tribute to their courage & compassion that they were able to last these several weeks. The Mayor told Morgan many volunteers were showing up, but the majority begged off after a week or so, unable to face more of the work & fearing for their sanity. I pray for them every morning & every night; it's a dreadful yet much-needed task they're doing. I KNOW it's making a difference. Before that work started, there were times when the smell of death in the air grew unbearable, especially after you came out of a shower or used a strong soap. The contrast made you notice the stench again; a stench that has become so pervasive I think we hardly notice it. But now, when the wind comes from quarters that were more inhabited, there's little of that foul odor left.

Sarah spent her lunch break with me & delighted in telling me about Phoebe. I must admit, Sarah's description gave me a good laugh. What a tartar she must be! Although, again going by Sarah’s description, the folks she's with need some direction. I'd love to meet her & my "sneaky" short term goal is to convince someone to take ME to town, Now I suppose as long as they pad a wagon well & only use a couple of dogs to pull it, it would be fairly safe. Should the wagon happen to tip, well my goodness, it's only a foot or so off the ground & about all I'd bruise would be my pride. I'd love to meet this woman. She's younger than I am, but certainly closer to me in age than anyone here & her loud manner may simply be an act to keep her group working hard.

I feel as though I've been trapped in this chair for months now & the others are reluctant to let me go more than a few steps on my own. Goodness, what is it going to take to convince them I'm not a helpless burden? It may take me simply getting of my duff & DOING. Even that will probably give them fits, but not accomplishing much is giving me fits. I love working with the children, but often feel as though life begins just outside the front door and I'm stuck on the wrong side of it. Now Noreen allowed the girls to start some pea plants - I wonder what she'd say if she found me planting sweet peas & runner beans along the base of the front porch. It's blocked off with wooden slatting, gets the sun all day & I'm of the mind that some sweet scents in mid summer would be a treat - not to mention the extra shade. I know Morgan is hoarding some flower seeds among his things - he told me so with a wink! I'm going to try & talk him out of a few packets of flowers. I always did well with them & an old lady needs a hobby!

Oh dear, it seems as though the line of wash that was drying has collapsed into the mud. Doesn't that just beat all? Louise looks ready to kill someone so one or more of the children must be involved. I'd best go try & prevent some possibly well justified infanticide!