[FICTION]Tom & family go for their vaccines...

[CanadaSue]

It was late, I was tired & I was mentally indulging in a little 'wish fulfillment'. Would be nice, eh? Kind of along the line of a 'never emptying magazine'.

Working on next episode now...

[CanadaSue]

At long last, a chance to add to the family journal. I feel uncomfortable jumping in at this late date, but time has been hard to find & Dad, as well at MT seemed to have things well in hand. I know Sam has teased me; I am the one with a degree in English & more than a passing interest in writing; I just never seem to find the time. Is that surprising, what with 2 very active boys under the age of 10? Perhaps three now, as I suspect we'll be keeping Timmy.

I'm Maxine, Sam's wife, mother of Annette, Greg & Sammy & I've done it again, haven't I; introduced myself in terms of those around me. A common enough failing, I suppose & anyone reading this will have to forgive me. Right now, I'm a little beyond the banalities of consciousness raising, equality, etc. I'm rather more concerned with surviving this terrible time & with getting my children through alive, healthy & sane. Other concerns, those issues which serve to occupy a society with lots of time on its hands will have to wait. I know my worth & that of my sex.

I'm known as the 'thinker' in the family, although sometimes I wonder if that's not because I rarely seem to get a word in edgewise. Sam is "quick on the draw"; happens with men who have a short fuse & Annette being 15 would talk the spots off a leopard given any encouragement at all. Then there's the "burst transmissions" I am subjected to whenever the boys come bursting in from school. My contributions to family conversation these past 15 or so years seem to have mainly consisted of "elbows off the table", "you will NOT wear that to school" & "no, you can't have seven kids sleep over at your birthday".

But enough of this self indulgent maundering on - for now anyway! It's about two in the morning & all is still. Dad is sleeping well, as are the boys, MT & Cindy. Mom called me on the radio a short time ago & everything is well. Our folks have managed to hide most of the things we want to eventually bring home. Sam is feeling on edge, so they're planning to start the trip back. Sam's feelings are usually trustworthy & he feels there's some danger out there tonight. I hope he's overly nervous & this isn't based on something ephemeral but real!

It's cloudy again, but not a breath of wind. It's almost too warm; bet it will snow again by noon. Ideally, it would start just as they arrive at the farm & again, snow enough to cover their tracks. God will allow me such hopes, if reality doesn't! I stood outside the back door a while ago, after finishing my initial rounds & felt the silence. It seemed... so blank. I can't remember a period of time that was ever so still, yet so loaded with emotion. Fear, uncertainty, anger, anguish... who can put a name on it? How many in town are left alive, clinging to the hope that this disease will burn itself out before it totally ravages this community? How many small, hopeful clusters of humanity are out there, forging their own small realities, hoping it's real enough, big enough to keep alive & well?

This has always been a farming community & one used to hardship, people with determined souls who are known for grimly hanging on when times are hard. But this is the first time in so long that we've been oh, so utterly on our own. I find myself listening to the President's speeches, almost reaching through the radio, trying to cling to his shirt tails. I can see him in a slightly soiled shirt, no tie, no jacket; perhaps his top button undone, looking careworn and, when no one is watching, grief stricken. For this to happen on his, or anyone's watch. What a burden to bear; not just historically, but in the here & now. What can one man, even the most intelligent, far seeing individual accomplish in the face of such overwhelming odds? Is he up to doing what he must; providing us a beacon of hope?

For he cannot make the medicines we need. He cannot make a nation of frightened, individual souls see reason & act in the manner best guaranteed to see as many as possible through this horrid time in our history. He cannot plant crops & harvest them, cannot gather eggs or feed cattle. What he can, (I hope), and MUST do is give us the courage, the vision, to do it ourselves. As a nation we are no longer accustomed to doing for ourselves. The thought of all that has to be done is daunting.

We had an identity as a nation; a querulous, spoiled nation at times, not knowing its own national identity or mind. yet within almost all of us was something which defined us as American. We perhaps couldn't explain it, but we KNEW we were citizens of the greatest nation on earth. There was strength in our numbers, even amidst all our angst & at times, back stabbing. Face us with a common enemy & we somehow knew how to fight back. We stood together.

Now, we are divided into millions of tiny groups. Dad & Sam used to sneer at that army recruiting slogan: "an army of one". Suddenly that is the reality we must deal with. We are all "armies of one", or perhaps two or three & in the case of our family an army of almost a dozen. Wow! We have our own squad! Does that sound a little bitter? Forgive me; I say it our of a sense of fright. For I am finding myself, when I take the time to think about it, filled with foreboding. I'm not sure we have the where with all, nationally, to really come through this in one piece. Personally, I don't know where to begin & I have an instinctive distrust of anyone willing to stand up & tell me they know how.

We don't even have all the questions right now, just fragments of queries. We are millions of ships without a captain, desperately trying for steerage way in an endless fog. That's what it feels like to me. I'm not practical, as Dad likes to call me; hah! I work hard to give that impression; I really do. But right now, I'm dying inside, quivering in mortal terror at the tasks which lie ahead. I am petrified. That doesn't even begin to express my fear. How am I; one very ordinary woman with so few real survival skills, begin to steer my family through this mess?

It would be too easy to lean on Dad, on Mom and Sam. But that's the coward's way out. I'm an adult. I don't feel like one, not at all. Not now. Would you believe I was terrified to stay up tonight, to stay on watch for everyone? Don't ask me why, I couldn't answer you. But... Dad wanted us to write down our impressions & feelings, as honestly as we could manage & maybe that's the one gift I can give you, hopefully my descendents; my honesty. You may not end up thinking very much of me. I'm sure Dad & MT, even Greg have written wiser, braver words. But I am neither brave nor wise, just a middle aged mom faced with circumstances utterly beyond my comprehension & simply trying to do the best I can.

I'm not utterly helpless or hopeless. I remind myself daily that I have skills & the strength of my family & my faith behind me. Many have done far more with far less. I CAN cook & can stretch food until it screams. I can juggle a dozen jobs & manage to get most done & done fairly well. I have a brain & most importantly, curiosity. I CAN learn; I just hope I can learn the needful things fast enough.

Four in the morning now. Another round done & 2 more calls from Mom. Our guys & girls are almost back at the farm with no real problems. A pack of dogs decided to follow the sleds for a while; perhaps the smell of some of the food items... They stopped for a bit & Annette had the bright idea of making ice balls, using snow packed together with a bit of water to pack them down hard. That worked; the dogs just melted away into the woods, hopefully looking for easier targets. They could have shot one or two, but the whole idea is to avoid attracting attention.

There we are, almost five & Mom just radioed that they've made it in safely - thank God! This is hard on the nerves. I'd almost rather be out there myself; at least the work would be distracting. Mom says they're utterly exhausted though & I'm going to suggest they take tomorrow night off for a few reasons. I think they need the rest & perhaps they HAVE been observed, simply not challenged by either manor beast. A night off would break the routine & perhaps throw off anyone or anything likely to challenge them.

They've brought back a number of cases of canned goods; things we can't easily grow here. Bonus! Two cases of coffee beans sealed in cans! They also brought back as much sugar as they could manage; I'm not sure how easy it is to grow sugar in this country, but plan to spend tomorrow night checking out what grows in this part of the country & what doesn't. Something tells me we should be concentrating on those things we'll not easily be able to replace.

Speaking of which, I wonder if anyone thought to put liquor on the lists? None of us are drinkers really, Sam loves a good red wine once in a blue moon, but I sure wouldn't mind more brandy or good whiskey - if only for emergencies. Cindy wanted them to get baby food, but Mom says we can make that ourselves easily enough & she doesn't want time & effort wasted on dragging home items we can make or grow ourselves.

Annette spent time going through the kitchen hardware section of the grocery store & "scored" potato peelers, (we used to use knives!), scissors & sewing kits. I would have forgotten needles & thread, but Annette filled her backpack with that sort of thing & some small, cheap, light toys which we can give the boys periodically. She also grabbed some portable versions of easy games - the sort you'd pack for a car trip. Great thinking on her part.

At this point, as well as needing a proper rest, I think it would be a good idea for our "collection agency" to go over what they have so far, unload & properly store it. Conceal it too. Drew said it's amazing what can be hidden under cow manure! We pile things up, cover them up with tarps, then fork a light load of dirty bedding over all of it - should keep out all but the most determined scavengers! At this point, I wonder - should we be trying to acquire a puppy or two to train up as guard dogs! They would sure be useful as extras eyes & ears. There must be dogs out there who may be on their own, but haven't really gone too feral. It's a thought to share with the others when there's time. Drew has a good dog, but she's getting on in years. It's tempting to ask him, next time she's in heat, to let her go for a few days & see what the results might be!

Mom says she's beginning to feel somewhat better. The swelling is going down, as is the pain level. Thank goodness for that & I hope nothing else goes wrong. Between Dad's heart & Mom hurting her ankle like that, I hate to think of any other problems which could arise, especially on the medical front. We've all had "the big one" on our minds - smallpox. Perhaps it's time we began to think about other illness which could befall us.

Now, dawn is finally breaking & my heart is lightening up. I hate the dark, especially when I feel as though I'm the only one awake & worrying - must come from the many nights I've spent with sick kids. Long nights awake are not, in my estimation, a good thing. One final round to do, the fire to make up & water to put on for morning coffee. Then hopefully, I can get some sleep while MT & Cindy roust the kids out of bed & put them to work.

I'm sure I'll have the time tomorrow to write more. This has felt strangely therapeutic, even if I DID write about some rather dark thoughts...

[CanadaSue]

Brrrr.... difficult to write tonight. It's turned very cold & I'm glad the boys brought in firewood this morning. We were due for another cold snap & having our expeditionary force take a night off was, in retrospect, perfectly timed. They would have found going out tonight a real challenge. I'm not sure they would have been able to dress properly for this; not easily. They would have needed warm clothing for the lighter work, yet the ability to shed a few layers when they were pulling sleds full of items.


I spoke to both Anne & Drew a few times today - MT let me off the sofa to do that much! That & use the chamber pot. Drew is quite pleased with what they've obtained & hidden away so far. He was able to get most of the items he wanted at the feed & supply store & either bring them home or hide them away. They were careful to disguise the hidden items as carefully as possible, using downed branches & snow. These things will have to be removed fairly soon though & we're praying we don't get a thaw. That would both render our 'stash' visible & make is much harder to get it home. Boy, I wish we had some sort of silent vehicle! In terms of food items, that was a little more mixed in terms of results. Much of the "easy" food was already gone. By 'easy food' I'm referring to those items which people can prepare easily - canned soups, stews & instant food. We had hoped to get some of these sorts of items, to use on very busy days. They did get some, but not as much as they would have liked.

They did find lots of rice, pasta & flour. Rice especially I was glad to hear about. We'd not be able to grow it & even if we could, I wouldn't know where to start to cultivate the stuff. Somehow, I have trouble imagining myself standing ankle deep in water & stooping over little green shoots. I'll miss rice, if things don't get "fixed" quickly enough for us to be able to buy more when we run out. The same can be said for many spices & seasonings. Imagine dressing for turkey without sage, yet I'm not sure we could grow sage here - perhaps indoors. I can see I have a lot of reading to do this winter; just on gardening alone.

Perhaps MT is right; I can be just as useful researching all this sort of stuff from books I've bought over the years & the mountains of material Andy downloaded when we still had power. The more time passes, the more I'm beginning to realise how much we're going to have to do on our own. It's more than a bit daunting to think of all we must prepare to do by spring, by planting season. It's making the prospect of moving to Drew's both more attractive, (more land & more people with knowledge), but also a little more worrying - all that work! Well, regardless of wether or not we move to Drew's the work awaits us.

We need to determine how much food we need to grow, to hunt to sustain us all over at least one year & two would be even better. I'd like two for a couple of reasons. We may not need that much, but no one can tell us that for sure. If we end up with too much, it gives us trade goods to use to barter for other items & services. Anne is insisting the next trip concentrate on medical supplies & devices, drugs & other such stuff. She's had time to make up some pretty detailed lists & told Drew that between her skills as a nurse & having such items in our possession, she figures we have, or can have... quite an advantage.

I was so pleased to get the chance to speak with her, even if it did burn a lot of battery power. She assured me her ankle is mending & she's expecting to make a full recovery within a week or so. She'll be careful for a time after that; she tells me that's the most likely time to re-injure the affected area & perhaps cause even more harm. Right - another thing for us to read up on & learn. better first aid & the ability to assess injuries & illness.

While I'm thinking along those lines; things we have to bone up on over the next several months, I'll include such things as animal husbandry - the kids have chickens in hand, but I know nothing about cattle, other than what comes out of which end. Yes Drew is a life long farmer, but what if something should happen to him - or Noreen. As the military does, I think we should all train in at least one speciality, then 'cross train' in at least two others. It's a bit scary to think of all we need to learn & how quickly we need to learn it.

And that's just basic family survival stuff. We still have three, no four children to educate. Annette thank goodness is at the age where we just have to make sure her inquiries go in the right directions & she can check with any of the adults. The younger ones; well that won't be so tough. Basic skills can easily be learned in the context of family work as opposed to family lessons; rather like it was done in the 'old days'.

Between all the adults, we have a fairly extensive set of skills & knowledge to pass on to the children. I teach & have more than a passing interest in history - all aspects of history. Anne is a very skilled nurse, a gardener & this would be a great time for her to revive her interest in astronomy. We used to spend a lot of time star gazing & she can still name more constellations than I can even see. Sam understands people well & how they interact. He's also fascinated by government, how it's constituted, how it all works. Maxine always was a good writer, in my opinion, is superb with food preparation & a good planner. Andy is into mechanical stuff, both making & fixing it. We share that interest & between the two of us & Drew, we can teach all four kids basic shop skills & probably go well beyond that. Drew & Noreen are experts in animal husbandry & large scale gardening or farming. I was surprised to learn Drew is a talented artist, doing both water colors & pencil sketches - we can't neglect the arts. Several of the adults play instruments & a few can sing. Me; I can't carry a tune in a bucket, but Anne & Andy more than compensate. Cindy, when she's not so frightened, has a heck of a good sense of humor & a quirky approach to problem solving that sometimes bears excellent results - more often than not actually.

Yup, skills we have aplenty. What I think is lacking right now is the habit of thinking in such terms as we are being made to think in. Ouch - rotten grammar for sure, but readers will, I think, understand what I mean. At least, what I THINK I mean. In spite of years of preparation, of planning for the worst, I find I'm not entirely prepared to mentally 'give up' the idea that help will, somehow, come from outside. Oh I know, my brain tells me that "outside" consists of conditions no better than here; cities under siege, towns barely hanging on, little pockets of people doing the best they can to avoid falling ill. Everyone is concerned with their own health & safety, not to mention that of their families.

I can almost picture that, on a map of the United States; a big blank canvas starred with little points of light, each representing small groups of people desperately hanging on until spring and/or... until the Outbreak begins to wane. We're probably all worried about the same things; getting enough food, avoiding illness, wondering how others are doing. We're wondering about family & friends far from us, those we've not been able to hear from for weeks now. In some parts of the country, many may be alive & well. Other people must be starting to feel very much alone. I wonder how they're coping with that? Some I suspect, are not coping well at all. It's bad enough with our family; I think we've all suffered moments of feeling really alone, even amidst those who love us, as we contemplate the next challenges which will lie ahead. People who are truly alone, with no family or friends near by, perhaps no one left alive for miles must at times feel truly destitute.

I've always been a sociable type, not a social butterfly by any means, but love the give & take of a good conversation, friends sharing & exploring ideas, proposing solutions to old problems & trying to come up with truly new ways of looking at things. I suppose this is the ultimate situation in which to propose & try out new ideas. Trouble is, what it took to get to that point is not what anyone sane could have wished for. And... I'm not too sure anyone will be prepared to begin to address these areas of speculation for quite some time yet. As is usual, practicalities will necessarily intrude. The little things, (Being sarcastic here), such as feeding oneself, digging latrines & other 'fun' facts of life. I suspect because of these concerns, initial discussions among remaining groups of people will focus more on the pragmatic than the ideal. That may not be such a bad thing, although I'd hate to see ideals get pitched out the window.

Yes, there will much to think about in the days, weeks & months ahead; for all of us as individuals, families & communities. Only then can we begin to reconstitute on a higher level & frankly, I can see ways in which delaying that procedure may be more than a bit useful. Our governments have been runaway trains these last several decades, slowly, then not so slowly eroding personal freedoms & to a large extent, the concept of personal responsibility. We're now being thrown into the pit of personal responsibility with precious little preparation for many of us, but it's truly sink or swim time.

But now, it seems as though I am being 'sent to bed'. MT is standing there frowning at me & pointing to her watch. She's right; it's almost eleven & I've promised to be in bed at sensible times for the next week or two. It's that or they swear they'll find a way to chain me to the sofa!

[rafter]

bump, while waiting for the next chapter.

[Lei]

Keep up the good work CS . We are enjoying your story.

[Deemy]

I really miss the story!!!!!! Please continue!!!!

[CanadaSue]

Phew, eight days without a single spare moment in which to update the family journal. I wouldn't have thought we could all become so busy, so tired; that a half hour extra of sleep would become vital. But that's exactly what's happened & with the realization that spring & warmer weather will bring an even higher level of activity from all of us, we're sleeping when we can. I'm grateful that within reason, we're all healthy & in good physical shape. Sure, my heart has been acting up, Cindy is pregnant, five months pregnant now; & MT is frail, not unexpectedly. The rest of us are fit & we have several months to prepare for the even harder physical work which lies ahead.

So where are we at this week? So much to catch up on, here. First, our 'expeditionary force' has completed its work - for now. They were only able to make 2 more trips before having to call a halt to the operation. That's unfortunate & we didn't get nearly as much as we would have liked to, but some is better than nothing & we were in pretty good shape to begin with. After their rest period, they returned to the supply store & brought home canning supplies; jars lids & seals. Anne says we can't have too many jars as some inevitably get broken. I'll have to remember to be especially careful with glass from now on & try to minimize breakage. That was a slow trip as with all that glass, even carefully packaged, they had to make sure they took the smoothest path possible.

The second & last trip involved bringing home more of a load of miscellaneous supplies; medical items that Anne wanted, some tools & other items for the farm & to top off the load, bolts of cloth, especially heavier cloth such as denim & corduroy & last but not least, some more manuals & other reading matter which Drew wanted as extra reference material.

They were almost caught on the last trip, within about a half mile from Drew's place. They were just about to leave the road & had stopped for a breather, thank goodness. Annette heard it first, the unmistakable sound of a truck motor & they were able to get the sleds off the road & just past the edge of a small woodlot, out of sight. What they couldn't hide were their tracks - 2 loaded sled & 6 people can leave a LOT of sign. They had no time to do more than run & get under cover, then pray they weren't spotted by anyone on the truck. The truck did slow down, but didn't stop & once it was out of sight & sound, they made tracks for Drew's as quickly as possible.

They were incredibly lucky - the wind was pretty strong, strong enough to cover their tracks fairly quickly. Considering the weight of that last load, they made incredible time back to Drew's. They simply covered the entire sled & load as quickly as possible & got inside to warmth & safety. I'm glad they didn't mess about as it wasn't long before they heard other vehicles slowly making their way up & down the road. They had about an hour's grace & seemingly, that was long enough for their tracks to be covered. Again, thank God for that.

They did nothing for the next 2 days, other than feed the stock, redistribute what they'd brought home into more hidden piles & rest. They were all exhausted; this is work none of us are used to & is mind numbing. Sam told me by radio that he was ready to swear he'd sleep for a week. I believe him. Annette was probably the first to bounce back - makes sense as she's the youngest over there right now. The others needed a bit more time but all now feel fully recovered from their strenuous efforts.

Overall, they've done very well. Anne reports she has enough medical supplies to handle any medical emergency involving fairly typical illnesses & injuries. Barring any dreadful occurance, as if much could be worse than what the world is suffering now, Anne thinks she can keep us medically "covered" for well over three years. I'll take her word for it. Drew has enough veterinary supplies, in his estimation, to cover all routine medical problems among his livestock & enough pesticides & such to keep crops alive barring floods or drought or other unanticipated pests. We have more food that we can easily use in 2 years, although variety might become a concern. That though, is more a matter of what we've allowed ourselves to become accustomed to, rather than need.

We have seed, both for animal feed & for our own consumption for a good, long time. The seed packages are all sealed & vaccum packed & we have obtained a lot of heritage seeds which we know will produce more seed for our use & perhaps for trade in the future. Drew thinks he'll be alright for harness leather & other farm tools & replacement parts, if we're careful in the use of those tools.

I think that's our biggest weakness right now, no one among us really knows much about repairing & even making our own machinery. We have no forge, no training & little guidance can be expected. What I wouldn't do for a farrier! I can't imagine working draft horses on the land without horseshoes, but we may have to - assuming we can find draft horses. Difficult to believe how many shortages we can now anticipate if conditions continue to remain "primitive" for a longer period than we'd planned on. Mechanical systems, tools, machining on a smaller scale - these may all prove to be choke points as we try to rebuild our nation & climb out of this moras we now find ourselves in.

But I can't - we can't - permit ourselves too much time spent worrying over the fate of the rest of the nation, never mind the world right now. Preparing our family for the work that faces us this spring is daunting enough & I'm not sure how we'll find the time to learn everything we feel we need to know. We're all studying hard, when we're not busy taking care of routine things - our new routine things, anyhow.

There's not much work here, thank goodness & MT, the boys, Cindy & I are well able to keep up the work that needs doing on a daily basis. The biggest chore is maintaining the woodstove & fireplace. Wood has to be brought in several times a day or we'd not be able to move for tripping over logs. Along with that comes the chore of cleaning out the woodbox in the wood stove & the floor of the fireplace. A lot of ashes build up in the course of a day & that has to be dealt with. We're up to two rather large ash piles out back & no doubt that will increase considerably by the end of the winter proper.

Meals have been fairly easy, thanks to all the work the women did early on, before we lost power. All that's required, for the most part, is deciding what we want, taking it our of various frezzers early on & thawing it out. What little cooking is required is easily handled by the three adults here. Those of us still here can easily eat well using only the meals already prepared, although MT is insisting we keep some in reserve for days when we're really tired.

Laundry is a major chore seeing as none of us right now have the strength to do much scrubbing & rubbing & wringing. We all work at it together, doing a load of essentials every few days & those are very tiring days indeed. Compared to laundry, other housework is a breeze; simply a matter of dusting, sweeping & keeping the bathrooms reasonably sanitary. That's not hard to do now that we can't use the toilets. It took a while to 'train' the boys to aim more carefully when using the chamberpots, but having to clean up their own messes once or twice quickly ensured they paid attention to where they were aiming! Oh, the house could be cleaner, but under the circumstances, we're not doing too badly & before we can get on the land this spring, we'll have time to do a big spring cleaning.

We're being somewhat more slack when it comes to keeping guard at night. Until the adults are in bed; sometime between ten & midnight, we take turns making sure everything in the house is secure, fires safe & doors & windows locked. MT generally gets up at least once in the middle of the night to go to the washroom, so she does a sweep of the house then. I'm up by five in the morning to build up the fires & to begin warming water for daily use, so I do a final sweep then. Once the sun in well up & we've discussed our day's plans over breakfast, I bundle up, go outside & walk around the property. I check for any tracks or other signs that animals or people have been near. I make sure snow is still banked up against the walls of the house. If not, I send the boys out to do their best to fill in any gaps; easily enough done with the amount of snow we have on the ground.

I'm pleased with how well the house is holding out & how we're pulling together right now. By shutting off some unused rooms & keeping both the fireplace & wood stove going, we're keeping the house warm enough to be comfortable. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure some of the pipes are going to burst; it's been so cold & it's been impossible to keep some of the walls along the exterior warm enough. I hope I'm wrong on that. But chances are, spring will show some major leaks in the system.

The rooms we're using take little time to keep reasonably clean, especially with just 6 of us home right now. We have heavy blankets & quilts over all of the windows, both to help retain some extra heat as well as to help us keep a low profile. I know the military & law know we're here; they were delivering rations here after all, but we're hoping no one else has a clear idea we're here. I'm dreaming in color on that issue, I know; as you can't hide the sight or smell of wood smoke, especially now that there's no vehicle exhaust or other smells to cover even a minute part of it.

It takes us perhaps a total of three hours each to keep the house ship shape - not bad considering that I'm talking about three small boys, an older lady, a pregnant woman & an old man whose heart is not behaving itself. With all of us here, even counting in the extra work involved, I'm sure we could cut an hour off of that.

We have no trouble filling in the extra time either. The boys are spending about three hours a day on proper school work; the younger two are concentrating on learning to read & write, as well as basic math. Greg is a few years ahead of that & is concentrating on improving his reading & writing as well as doing somewhat more advanced arithmetic. During the day while we're doing different chores, I talk to them about our nation's history; giving them small doses of how our government operates, at least in theory. It may very well be that we've seen the last of the current systems - who can tell right now?

They're bright & curious, all three of them & full of questions. They really seem fascinated by the current situation & all have wondered out loud what will happen later this winter & certainly over the course of the spring. We're all wondering that now, aren't we? I envy you, the readers some time in the future. You know how it all works out; we don't. At this end of the time line, we're full of questions, doubts & fears. Have we, individually & collectively, done enough to keep our nation whole? Or has it collapsed into a loose collection of fractious regions, each determined to gain supremacy over the others?

We've become used to nation building from scratch, but we are entirely unaccustomed to coming out on the losing end of a fight & having to rebuild from the ashes. Granted, in this situation there seem to be no clear winners, none easily discernable anyhow. The whole world has been affected by this outbreak & if any one nation or region is destined to come out in a better position than others, it's beyond my ability to determine. I'll have to, for now anyway, leave that to the historians. It's hard enough to find out what's occuring locally, never mind get so much as a short glimpse of any bigger picture.

If I haven't mentioned it yet, I should do so now. The reason there are only six of us here, that is. Our 'supply scroungers' needed some time to rest after their Herculean efforts. They spent the time when they weren't sleeping or eating or organizing the purloined supplies talking with Drew & Noreen, exchanging impressions of recent events & trying to make plans for the future - lots to talk about, certainly.

As it turns out, Sam & Maxine want to move the family - their immediate family to Drew's farm. That came as somewhat of a shock, although it shouldn't have, not really. This house is too cramped for so many people, especially if this turns out to be a long term proposition. Andy is leaning towards the same decision & I think Anne would prefer that as well. I'm not convinced that would be the best solution, but to be honest, I can't think of a good reason to stay either. Yes this is my home & yes, we have a lot of supplies here, but over time, they could be easily moved over to Drew's; easily as in much work, but not any real complications. Darn it, I really need to talk to Anne about this. I can't write about it yet for fear that some years down the road, it will strike me as foolish.

Anyhow, our people have stayed at Drew's for now, to get a good look at the house, the property & the stock in hopes of having a better basis upon which to make such a vastly important decision. Anne's ankle is still pretty swollen & sore & she won't be in any shape to try a trip home for some time yet. She's spending a fair bit of time talking through practicalities with Noreen, should be decide to move up there.

I think we'll take another week or two before we make such a huge decision. Obviously Sam & Maxine are pretty set on moving up there, Andy may do so & for the rest of us, it remains a matter of weighing the pros & cons & seeing what truly is the best thing to do.

[CanadaSue]

Well, I feel less worn out today, more inclined to do some long term thinking & planning. There wasn't a whole lot that needed doing here today; another storm appears to be developing, so I was especially careful checking the outside of the house. There's a fair bit of snow on top of the roof & if this storm doesn't bring winds strong enough to blow it off, we may have to think about climbing up there & removing some of it. I can't remember the last time we had such a snowy winter. Heaven only knows we need the moisture in the ground, but I hope the melt is slow, don't want to have to deal with flooding. Along the walls in the lea of the wind, we have snow piled up to the lower sills of the windows. After this storm, we may have to remove some of that as I suspect it will be creeping up the windows & I don't want those blocked completely. The windward side of the house isn't so bad, the snow is drifted high, but not right up against the house. If anything, that's where we have to work to keep snow banked against the house; the wind does it's best to remove everything we put there. But about four feet out from the foundation, the snow is piled high in fantastic, sculpted 12 foot drifts. It's rather quite striking, beautiful & the kids love the opportunity to tunnel through the snow.

The street is buried, completely gone under the snow cover. Several of the homes across the street have privacy fencves & they're almost buried, meaning the snow cover is a good four to five feet deep. This is going to be a problem in the spring if the storm drains freeze up - the melt water will have nowhere to go. My house is sitting on a bit of a rise, but the water table around here is pretty high, so there could be problems. If we have another three or four feet of snow, I may have basement flooding to be concerned with. Well, we'll see how that goes. I can always move stuff out of the basement to upstairs rooms although where we'd put it all is another story. Well, that we can deal with later.

I spoke to Drew, Anne & Sam today for quite an extended period of time. I don't mind that as much knowing that we now have a nice healthy stockpile of batteries. That was a lot of weight to haul back, but well worth it. I'm cursing myself for not having planned a system of renewable power; maybe we can take care of that later this spring or summer. Bicycle driven generator or something of the sort & trickle the power into some kind of battery system. Well, you can't do everything but that may prove to have been my biggest mistake.

Anyhow, Drew really is pleased with what they were able to bring home & hide. He maintains that as long as we can get back & access the hidden items, we're in good shape. His stock, what's left of it is doing well. He has around 60 cows & over 50 of them are in calf - something else to deal with within the next few months. He has 4 sows, 3 also due to have piglets & 1 which he plans to slaughter later on this year. He has about 100 laying hens left; he's lost quite a few to weather & lack of proper ventilation. Nevertheless, these numbers if we can keep them all alive, guarantee that at least in terms of animals, the farm will do well next year.

He also assures me he has enough seed to plant the grain he needs to feed his stock over next winter & into harvest season. Thankfully, the land is cleared & the only concern is finding the manpower to plant, weed & harvest the grain & other crops. I haven't a clue what's all involved, but Drew does & he says if we all work our butts off, are blessed with reasonable weather & a lot of luck, we can do it. He has spare stocks of grain, hay & such, but would love to get as self sufficient on his own efforts as quickly as possible.

Drew, Sam & Andy had perhaps the biggest stroke of luck yesterday evening. They felt well rested & decided to make their way to several nearby farms to see if anyone was there & to see what they could "obtain" from farms which had either been abandoned or where the owners have died. At the farthest farm out, (they had decided to work their way in from the farthest they planned to walk), they found the owner, his wife & four children dead. They never even entered the house, but immediately checked the barns. They ran an interesting operation, a Christmas tree lot, pick your own vegetables & berries & did sleigh rides in winter. It was pretty bad in the barn & Drew still sounds shaken. Twelve lovely draft horses were dead, starved from the looks of things. Five others had managed to kick their way out of their stalls & had found enough loose hay & bits of grain to keep themselves alive. They're thin & need some feeding up & care, but should make a good recovery. The fifth has a badly cut leg, probably from kicking out of his stall. We can only thank God they were in old box stalls & not restrained by their halters. Drew thinks the fifth, a lovely young mare will be fine, given some good treatment & some time.

They never made it to the other three farms they were going to check, choosing instead to bring the horses back to Drew's. That took several hours, as the horses were pretty weak & the one mare with the bad cuts had a lot of trouble walking. They didn't want to reopen her cuts if they could help it. It took hours, but they made it back & with Annette & Noreen's help, got the horses into some makeshift stalls with lots of clean, warm bedding. Annette apparently was really upset & it took Drew a bit of time to explain to her that immediately feeding them a good hot mash was NOT in their best interests. Once she understood, she insisted on being the one to water them, then bring them their first feeding.

It took some "encouraging" to convince her to come in & get some rest herself & Anne tells me she's spent almost every waking hour, when not doing work around the farm & house, with the horses. She's groomed them, taken note of every cut, scratch or abrasion & insists on being the one to see to their needs. That's funny in a way, as a small girl, she was terrified of horses. I remember bringing her to that very farm for a sleigh ride one winter & it wasn't possible, she was simply too afraid of such huge animals.

Drew is really shaken up. This was a family her knew well. He'd gone to school with Bob & Carrie, his wife & he said to see them lying there with their adult children close by brought this too close to home. Anne tells me Drew has been pretty quiet today, doing his chores & eating meals with few words. I feel for him, as I can't begin to think of all the friends, workmates, students & extended family I've lost. I just can't bear to think about it yet & the absence of any real news somehow makes that easier. What is it; a case of "if I don't hear it on tv, it's not happening"? Whatever it is, there will soon come a time of mental reckoning, that is right now, beyond my ability to cope with. I don't know if I have enough tears, enough time, to properly grieve all we've lost both at the personal & national level. I dread the day it really hits me.

Tonight, Andy, Sam & Drew will go back out & check on stock at other nearby farms. They can, at the very least, make sure any animals still alive have access to hay & water, not to mention shelter. Other than that, animals will have to do the best they can on their own. That surely means increased losses, at a time when we can least afford it, but without people to see to their needs, it's inevitable. So damned tragic though, it really is. If they have time, they'll try to locate items which might come in useful here, assuming farms are indeed abandoned for whatever reason.

The women went through the farm house these last few days, especially those areas which Noreeen had closed off. Anne tells me there's plenty of room for all of us without any fear that we'd be "in each others' faces" too much. I think she has her eye on a smaller annex; 2 bedrooms, a small kitchen & a sitting room as well as an older bathroom that she thinks I could easily fix up to make it easier to use. With the rooms she mentioned, she, MT & myself could easily be comfortable she thinks. There's a larger annex Sam & his family could use & some single rooms off both annexes for Louise, Cindy & Andy. I'd forgotten how big that place is. With all the additions over the years, it rambles!

I'm reluctantly coming to the conclusion that moving to Drew's might be best for all of us. I can't grow enough food on a suburban lot to feed everyone. Water could become a problem; our source is municipal & I'm not sure how much I'm willing to trust what I can get out of the marsh behind us; even disinfecting it. Having to go out & bring it back is a lot of work. We have four kids now & with a baby on the way, we'd go through a LOT of water daily. It would be hard enough in summer, but in winter? As it stands, we're going through a fair bit, even with limitations on bathing.

Heating is another big show stopper. I have enough fire wood to easily get us through this winter & perhaps even next year. But up until now, I've ordered several cords each year, already cut, split & seasoned. I remember from years back just how much work is involved in cutting firewood. Having to haul it too is a nightmare. Drew has his own huge stretch of woods - well, huge is a matter of perspective, isn't it? Best of all, there's lots of deadfall & easy access to trees which could be cut this year for late next winter.

He has lots of land to plant, both for our consumption & for the livestock. If things turn really ugly, he has excellent lines of sight from just about anywhere in the house & the yard. It would be very difficult for anyone to sneak up on us. Should his children, any of them, make it home, there's room for them too. There's plenty of room for Jake & Joe & their addition to our family labor force would be more than welcome. As it is now, we have Drew, Noreen, myself & Anne, (assuming my heart behaves itself), Sam, Maxine, Andy, Louise & to some extent, Cindy, MT & Annette. I can't expect the latter to put in a full day's work for obvious reasons. The boys can certainly be useful, but at their age, they generate at least as much work as they produce. Time will take care of that!

Overall, logic says moving to Drew's in a planned, deliberate way over the course of what's left of the winter is our best bet. But damn, I'm finding it a tough call to make. Emotion is a big part of the decision making process in this case. I've spent years in this house & so many of my memories are here; both good & bad. It's a part of me & I'm not sure if anyone else understands that, except perhaps, for Anne. You spend your life pouring your labor, your heart into a place & giving it up takes on a whole new dimension, even if logic dictates leaving.

I wonder, as the weather warms the nation this spring, as survivors come out from where they've sheltered from the harsh winter weather; will that consideration affect what they do next? See, if I were in a large city & had the good fortune to survive the Outbreak, fires, riots & other disasters; if I saw my family through all of that, I'd be thinking long & hard about moving away from the 'teeming hordes'. Chances are, that even with higher death tolls from other sources, more people will survive inside the cities, at least initially.

But then what? I can't see cities easily being able to obtain food & other crucial supplies. How will they heat their homes? How can they safely move around the streets? There will no doubt be folks out there up to no good, not to mention animals gone feral. Just thinking of the possible expolsion in the rodent population makes me shudder.

So, it's possible that late spring may see an exodus out of the cities & I hope & pray that little of it heads this way. Chicago is the nearest city & at almost 200 miles away, I'm hoping it's too far for people to seriously consider this area as a possible place to start again. There's not much, on the face of it, to attract people here; just lots of empty farm land which can appear pretty bleak when winter hits. Oh, there is a bit of 'landscape'; some low hills with trees that are pretty in the fall, but most of the land is rolling farm land, with low lying creeks & streams. Those who homesteaded here were tough folk; they had to be, those weak in charactor generally died off pretty fast, usually at some point during their first winter. There are no easy outs here.

So I hope we're left fairly undisturbed this summer, although chances are SOME people will make their way to this part of the country. We have the rest of the winter to secure what is ours, to make sure we can protect any land we plant & any pastures where we'd be grazing animals. Drew is correct; that will take all of us working long, hard hours. I've yet to tell everyone else, I'll save that for when they return home late tomorrow, but I'm reluctantly thinking it may be best for us to plan on moving to Drew's later this winter.

But I hope they understand, I'm going to have a hard time accepting & dealing with that choice.

[Backdraft]

Great story CS. Keep up the good work. Just wondering if someone could tell me if I missed something somewhere.
Posts that I have as of the 11-26 post if was evening of 2/02/03 next post I have is 12-9 it is now 10/02/03. Did I miss something in the quick 8 month jump.

[CanadaSue]

a gap of eight days, not eight months. I use the convention of day/month/year which I think is not the same one the US commonly uses.

Sorry for any confusion.

Next chapter churning out now... posting it this afternoon.

[CanadaSue]

Another good day today, even if it's blowing pretty wildly out there. I mentioned yesterday I thought a storm was coming in. It sure was & it sure is! I'm not sure how much snow we've had, but it's been snowing steadily, from the looks of things, since about midnight or so last night. It started out pretty enough, big, fat, postcard type flakes, but it turned mean in a big hurry. By dawn, I could the wind howling around the edges of the roof & the snow consisted of tiny, icy particles; enough to sting my face when I stuck my head out the door. It still hasn't stopped. We had a period of about three hours earlier this afternoon where it petered out some, but it came back with a vengeance just before sunset & it's still wild out there.

The wind is what's really making it bad now & even with the wood stove & fireplace roaring, there's a chill in the air. It's frustrating to not be sure when this will end. The radio station says as far as they can determine, by talking to amateur meteorologists, this should end by morning, but they're careful to remind us that they no longer have access to the sort of data they need to be really accurate. No matter; everyone is warm & safe & there's no rush to get outdoors, other than to dump the chamber pots & ashes from the stove & fireplace.

Max, Sam, Annette & Andy stayed over at Drew's for an extra day & I've urged them to be certain the storm is past before trying to head home. Anne thinks that if they're willing to pull her home on a sled, she might be up to coming back with them. I'd like that. It seems we've spent more time apart than together since the crisis hit us. I did caution her to wait for a few more days if she feels that's necessary - I'd hate for her to re-injure that ankle. At our age, we don't heal that easily & re-injury is all too common. It's not a huge distance between Drew's & home & what they would probably do is send out two people first, to see if the storm has caused any obstructions & to 'break trail'. That would shorten the journey & would be easier on Anne. We'll wait & see when this storm ends & just as importantly, how cold it gets once the sun comes out again. This time of year, it's likely to be bitter for at least two days after the snow ends.

It's piling up pretty high in the lea of the wind & I hope that same wind is sweeping most of the snow off the roof. If not, we'll have some work ahead of us over the next few days. It could get pretty discouraging if it weren't for the fact that spring will arrive in another 6 weeks or so. Well, it will arrive on the calender if not in terms of weather! We're looking at least another month of snow & cold, then up to 2 months of indeterminate weather. Goodness though, three months until we can easily get outside may seem like a lot but it's not; we still have much to teach ourselves & each other.

I've enjoyed the opportunity to be with the three boys, young as they are. When things get busy, it's sometimes too easy to neglect them, even inadvertently. I have to remind myself, they're young & small now but children grow quickly & they're not stupid. I've been getting to know young Timmy & without pushing him, am trying to get him to speak of what happened at his home, when his parents fell ill then died. I'm loathe to push him too far or too fast; kids have different ways of dealing with such horrific events, so I'm trying, as much as possible, to let it come from him at his own pace.

He hasn't said much yet, but the few hints he's given us are enough to break any person's heart. It seems his mother fell ill first, followed within a few days by his father. He has yet to any much about what happened after that, only that one morning, a few days before our boys found him, his mom & dad 'didn't wake up'. He stayed for a time, hoping they would wake up, but was forced to leave when he ran out of easily edible food. I've told him Andy went to his place & that his mom & dad weren't ever going to wake up again & that he'd been very smart to come outside & look for help.

He then asked how long he could stay with us & I assured him he could stay forever if he wanted to. That must have reassured him, as he's been a little more animated since. It will be important later, when he's a bit older, to help him grieve the loss of his parents. It will be important to all of us.

For now, he seems well enough in terms of emotional trauma. He is having the odd nightmare, but is easily awaked, reassured & able to sleep again. He sure looks up to Greg & spends a lot of time following him around. Greg finds it flattering although I suspect if it goes on much longer, he'll start finding it a pain. For now, it's useful; Greg spends time teaching him how to "do" things & Timmy is kept busy. Sammy is a bit put out for a few reasons. Timmy is closer to him in age, at only a year younger, but he'd rather Timmy think HE'S the hero. He doesn't understand why anyone would think he older brother is something special. It's kind of cute, actually.

The boys are keeping busy with schoolwork lately, after doing their morning chores. Sammy & Timmy dust & straighten up. They're always delighted to find something belonging to the adults lying around... lecture time! They also make sure any laundry items are collected up & Sammy is showing Timmy how to tidy up the bathrooms. They both do fairly decent jobs. Greg now helps me clear away the ashes & the less pleasant job of emptying out chamber pots - no accidental spills yet! He & I then start any laundry that needs doing. I pour out any hot water we need & he adds the soap & starts stirring around items to get them good & wet. The two of us usually manage to wash most items without too much tiring effort, although wringing them out, even using a janitor's pail, is tiring. Cindy hangs clothing when it's ready & in between times, follows the younger two around while they do their chores to make sure they're properly done.

Cindy also sees to much of the meal preparation, she & MT. Along with frozen meals, they're whipping up some nice stove top bread, an old recipe MT finally remembered. It's delicious, warming & helps stretch food. The kids are doing what kids always do, eating up a storm. Mind you, they're doing a fair bit of physical labor too. Cindy handles some of the heavier housework, not that there's much left that can be classed as heavy. She's kept busy too, going over clothes Anne & I had stashed away, seeing what can be remade to fit the kids. I wish we had had time to "raid" a clothing store or two! If that comes up, I'd love to get winter clothing for all.

MT is our 'brain trust'. I've asked her to try & recall & write down as much of the "old ways" as she can. She does remember times without sewers, running water or electricity & while that was a very long time ago, her memories may prove useful. She's also telling the boys lots of stories about the "old days". The kids are fascinated, hopefully learning something & I'm hoping that hearing how things used to be done, hearing that it CAN be done will prevent too much uncertainty or fear on their part. For that matter, maybe I should be listening in more; I'm the one feeling fear, uncertainty & when I allow myself, almost panic. Not a good place to go mentally & when I find myself drifting there, I do my best to focus my mind on other things.

I'd mentioned speaking to Drew quite a bit now that we know batteries won't be a problem. He tells me the five draft horses are doing well. Annette can hardly bear to leave them & Drew says if anything, she's mothering them to death. The injured mare doesn't appear to have any infection in the cuts on her - how did Drew put it? - pastern. Whatever; I'll leave the equine terminology to Annette. Drew says there are three mares, an older one who's in foal - Annette is delighted about that, the injured mare & a younger one which appears to be about three years old. The fourth is a gelding, Drew thinks he's fairly young as well as. Now perhaps the best news, the youngest is a stallion. Drew cautioned me they can be unpredictable & he's not allowing Annette to go into his stall without an adult, preferably Drew or Noreen who know horses, in attendance.

Annette has learned to curry & brush the horses & is boning up on how much they need to be fed & when. Drew has assured her that draft horses tend to be fairly sedate & later in the spring, when the snow melts, she might be able to ride one of them, although he first wants to be sure that they're quiet enough for that. He found three sets of harness in one of his back sheds & has Annette busy learning what each part is, how it's put together & what function it has. Next will be seeing if all five horses are accustomed to being under harness, but that can wait a while. If they are, we may have two teams with which to pull a plough. We are blessed.

Greg is envious right now, wishing he were at Drew's. He wanted to be "in charge" of any horses we might acquire & the fact that Annette happened to be on scene when they were found is grating on him. I caught myself promising to put him "in charge" when he learns about them & when he's a bit older, assuming Drew approved, of course. I walked away from that conversation with the realization that in saying that, my mouth was acknowledging what my heart has been so reluctant to - that the best move for us is to go to Drew's. MT heard me speaking with Greg & without saying a word, poured me a shot of brandy telling me she thought it would help me 'relax' after a busy week. She almost had me in tears - I knew it wasn't about relaxing at all.

Bless her, she knows how difficult this is for me, even if it is the most logical thing to do. She sat with me, letting me have some silence; some time to react. I came close to tears, but managed to get hold of myself. This IS the best choice, it's just so damned hard to let go of my home. I'm hoping that during the process of moving over, we can think of some way to secure it in such a way that we can use it again. After all, this crisis can't go on forever & at some point, we can come home. I'm sure I can secure it for some time in the future.

Well, so without realizing it, I've made the decision to move to Drew's. I still have many concerns & qualms, but part of my heart feels a bit lighter too. It really is the most sensible thing to do. News from the region, the nation & the world indicates that we're in this for the long haul, that it will take a long time for our systems to get "fixed". No one is giving hard & fast time frames, but I suspect we're speaking of years. Just counting up everything that's no longer functioning will take time & who will have much time to spare this year? We must all feed ourselves & our families.

Tomorrow, I'll write somewhat on what the radio has been telling us of national & world events.

[CanadaSue]

Well the radio got it right. The snow stopped about an hour after dawn & it's turned very cold with the wind still whipping fresh snow around. I'm not sure how much of the white stuff fell, but I estimate about 8 inches or so. The radio station says they think somewhere between 6 - 10 inches fell in their broadcast area, depending on where any given person is. I'll buy that.

We had little work to do here today. The house is as tidy as can reasonably be expected & everyone is well. No head colds for a change, but I suggested to the kids that after a session of outdoor time this morning, that they spend the rest of the day inside where it's warm. They didn't argue. We ended up spending most of the day simply sitting together in the living room, around the fire & talking about what life might be like once the snow melts, it warms up & we can get outdoors.

After talking to that family at Drew's & letting them know what my decision was, we discussed some of the practical considerations we'll have to work out. It seems they've already done a fair bit of cleaning over at Drew's in the wings of the house made over to us. We can spend periods of good weather slowly bringing our gear over to Drew's & Drew thinks that if he & Annette spend a fair bit of time with the horses, he might be able to harness up at least one of them & rig some kind of sled for pulling loads of "cargo" over. Sounds like a plan to me!

Annette has the old harnesses all cleaned up & has, with Noreen's help, determined how they go together. Drew has a very old sleigh out back & he says he'll take out the back seat & see if he can't build up the walls of it to hold a higher load. He only has a pair of shafts & says that limits him to using one horse. Even so, that's a lot more than two or three people can pull & with at least two horses seemingly used to being harnessed, (they've tried), we shouold be able to do this fairly quickly. And come summer, we can use them to haul fire wood around.

Anne feels ready to come home, so as soon as the cold weather moderates, Sam, Maxine, Andy & Anne will make their way home. Drew & Noreen have been great, but no doubt they'll enjoy a slightly quieter life for a time. I need them here to help me figure out what we should bring over in what order & where we should put it all. Yup, the rest of the winter will be busy. Anne has occupied her time boning up on large scale gardening & is already groaning at the thought of the blisters we're all sure to get. Drew thinks he can prepare about three acres of land for a huge kitchen garden. Noreen, Snne & MT will work together trying to figure the best way to divide up the land in order to minimize the work & maximize returns. I've told Anne, just hand me a hoe & point me to the work!

The kids will be able to do a lot of the weeding, once they're taught what is weed & what is not. They can also see to the chickens; that work is time consuming but not too heavy. They can do all manner of chores, even the two youngest. We men will have to get serious about learning how to handle the horses & ploughing by hand. Drew says he messed around with that when he was a young pup, but knows little of the practical considerations. He wishes he'd really paid attention, but if wishes were horses...

I keep reminding myself & everyone else; this will entail a LOT of work, bone crushing, back breaking, never ending work. Ugh. At my age, at any age; that's not a fun prospect. The kids don't get it, but unfortunately, they will soon enough. Cindy is going to have to learn how to juggle the demands of a baby with the increased work we'll all have to put in. There's no need to worry about any motivation - if we don't work as hard as we possibly can, we don't eat; it's as simple as that.

That brings me to what news we've been able to garner over the past week and a half or so. It's pretty grim. Let me start locally. The hospitals & care centers are almost at a standstill. They're beyond full & are out of all but the most basic equipment. Just feeding the patients is proving to be difficult. The weather hasn't helped as white outs & snow cover has made driving convoys of supplies in extremely difficult. The President some time ago authorized the release of the nation's strategic fuel supplies - a good call in my book. His transportation team has managed to assemble vehicles at central locations across the country. They have drivers & people to maintain & repair transport trucks. The problem remains the weather & how it affects the ability of all to get what food supplies are left to transport points, then the task of keeping larger roads clear enough to drive safely. Some areas of the country are easier to supply than others, obviously & it's absoultely dire in many of the eastern & midwest cities. So many who survive the outbreak, who avoid catching the disease seemed fated to die regardless.

I'd better try to write the news in an organized way, even if we are getting it in dribs & drabs. I'm pleased that local radio is doing their best to distinguish between confirmed news stories & unconfirmed reports. I don't envy them their jobs right now; the news is almost universally awful & personally I'd be depressed from hearing nothing but dreadful stories all day. So let me relate what I can remember that strikes me here & now as being important.

Locally, we may be lucky to come out of this with five thousand of the local residents left alive. The station apologized for not having exact details, but they're going by what Public Health is telling them. Public Health is more concerned right now with keeping as many alive as possible. Any epidemiology work which is normally done in any sort of outbreak is simply not being done. Who's going to waste time & medical resources taking blood samples, running lab tests & all that sort of stuff when their are people dying for lack of attention, basic medications & supplies. We may naver know exactly how this all played out, although I imagine historians will spend time trying to sort this out... when they have the time.

Nationally, perhaps 75 million people will make it & we apparently, should consider ourselves lucky at that. It's estimated we'll only reach that number of survivors because we were healthy to start with; that is well fed & with decent medical care for most citizens. A horrible thought, really when you consider that it means fully two thirds of our people will die. And we certainly don't have food supplies to carry all those people over a growing season. There must be stores of food somewhere, grain reserves & such, but even if they can be reached easily, how could that grain be processed? Again, I'm grateful for all our stockpiles.

Overseas, it's looking far, far worse. Europe & Asia have less of a capability to isolate people from one another, small nations with relatively large populations & it's having an effect. There are no hard numbers available, but some countries may lose as many as ninety percent of their population, especially third world countries. Some nations have not been 'heard from'; that is, no official message of any sort, no "we're alright" or anything of the sort has been obtained by any government of any other nation. These nations include both Congos, Gambia, much of equatorial & sub - Saharan Africa & a host of smaller, poor nations in Asia. South America is presenting a mixed picture. That picture is hard to sort out, but it seems the southern most parts of that continent are not doing too badly, perhaps because it's so sparsely populated.

Canada has been surprisingly silent. That makes sense as rumors have it that their Prime Minister & much of the Cabinet are sick or dead - again, few details. They're having a tough winter too & I expect we won't hear too much from there until spring. Mexico & central America are now having more problems with the onset of secondary illnesses. The picture isn't clear, but a few more weeks should mean we get better information.

All in all, no one seems to be in very good shape. No one knows what nations will be able to see to their people once the outbreak is past its worst. China will be in a world of hurt, as will India & other crowded parts of the world. I can'rt even begin to guess what Russia will do or eastern Europe for that matter. The central Asian countries have been under a cloud of radiation for weeks now & there is no solid info about what effect that is having.

I must get myself to bed now; I'm hoping Anne & the kids will be home tomorrow. There will be lots to talk about & if I don't look rested, Anne will kill me. I'll make more attempts to get better news about how things are nationally & world wide. It's important to chart what's happening, to try & foresee what could impact on us in the future.

[CanadaSue]

Another day gone by & the weather is finally easing. Sam, Maxine & Andy are going to try to get home later tonight. Sam crept out earlier & surveyed part of the route home. Luckily, most of the field was swept bare of snow by the wind & he managed to beat down a reasonably smooth path through the snow in the wood lot. He thinks that the three of them can handle the sled with Anne in it & as a precaution, they'll insist she take some pain medication first. Not a bad idea. If everything goes well, they should be home shortly after midnight & I've kept busy today making sure their beds have nice clean, warm flannel sheets & that there's a pot of Anne's homemade soup thawing. I'll put it over the stove later & Cindy just finished a couple of loaves of fresh bread. I'm getting hungry just thinking about it!

As there wasn't much to do today & seeing as it was still very cold, I spent several hours going very slowly through the radio dial, seeing how many radio stations I could tune in. As great a job as the local station is doing, their scope is necessarily limited to whatever local news they can obtain & gleanings & glimmering of news from further afield. There's some sort of plan being worked on to link whatever radio stations are still broadcasting, to gather local broadcasts in somewhat of an organized fashion & pass news from other regions around. I don't have a clue how this will all work & I'll let better minds than mine figure it out & put it together.

I managed to find a station from Chicago; weak reception to be sure, but I was able to get three top of the hour news broadcasts before weather or other atmospheric factors made me lose the station. But, if what is going on in that city is indicative of the rest of our big cities, we ARE in a world of hurt. Last time I checked or remember reading about it, Chicago had a population of close to three million, 2.8 million is the number that comes to mind. Six weeks into this Outbreak, which puts us at... the fourth wave of infection, Chicago has something like 1.5 million ill, dying or dead. Bodies are being stacked up like cordwood & gruesome as it sounds, I have to tell you that they've even run out of coverings for the bodies. They can't spare any more cloth or plastic & in deference to the remains & their families, all media, those still foolish enough to attempt to go outside around other people, have been told they'll have to remain several miles from the three sites where bodies are currently being collected.

That number is breath taking; all those sick & dying. They did give some sort of breakdown, but I couldn't get past the static other than to hear that at least 500,000 have died & for the next little while at least, that number will rise substantially. I'm not sure what on earth they're going to do with all those bodies. Luckily it's winter & they have at least several weeks to come up with some sort of solution. I can't imagine what they might do & don't think I want to examine the issue too closely; too horrifying.

Curfews & travel restrictions have been a nightmare to enforce. People have to eat & their ration program broke down early. It was difficult to determine where people lived & those delivering food supplies to central points couldn't spare the time to ensure that people took no more than their fair share. Most people, at least initially, only took what was rightfully theirs to take, but others tried to commandeer everything, then 'sell' such items for cash, jewelry & 'favors'. Once this behavior became generally known, it wasn't long before many started taking as much as they could carry, in some cases, keeping others back at gunpoint. A great many people were shot at, in some cases seriously wounded or killed. The local LEOs & military made some attempts to prevent such occurances, but had other priorities to concern themselves with, such as the protection of hospitals & care centers & those vaccination centers still running.

It seems within about 2 weeks, there was almost total breakdown of most systems. Chicago's infrastructure is fairly 'high maintenance' anyhow, in winter & the staff simply was not available to get the necessary work done. They lost power for good about 9 days into the crisis & with that loss came the loss of treated water & sewage. A pilot in an ultra light took the risk of dressing for the cold & over flying the city a few days ago, with a video camera. While he can't transmit the images, he stated that using a generator at home, he was able to view the film he'd taken several times. He states he notes many areas where bodies are literally lying in the streets, an obvious indication that authorities are not able to keep up with the job of collecting the sick or dead. Many residential area show signs of serious fires, in some instances, as many as 20 or so square blocks look to have been destroyed.

The port is a mess, ships lying idle, some berthed, some appearing adrift - scary. The rail yards show some signs of activity, but this gentleman wasn't sure was afoot there. I'd like to think the government is considering some form of rail transport from one part of the country to others. If that can be made to work, at least in some areas, we may save more lives.

They'd interviewed this man somehow, probably by phone as it seems part of the exchange in Chicago is somehow still operating & he was weeping by the time he finished his account. He has or had family there. I'm expecting any news from other cities would tell us similar things, perhaps with some local variations, but not many major differences.

It seems overall that the major cities initially were hit hard; due to crowding I suppose. The initial care provided to those ill seems to have been better & have occurred faster, but they also ran out of crucial supplies quite quickly. Civil order has been hardest to maintain in urban areas, especially those areas which are "disadvantaged", as the social scientists like to call it. I'm not sure what to expect come spring, a massive exodus out of the cities? People doing their best to scrape by where they are with what they have? I can seen suburban residents trying the latter, at least for the first while, but those in the inner cities will have little to live on. This may sound bigoted & prejudiced & all that stuff, but when you're whole lifestyle is based around gangs, drugs & keeping ahead of other gangs, your idea of preparation probably doesn't go much further than making sure you have enough ammo for whatever firearm you favor at the moment. Food stocks probably consist of the number to the local takeout & bags of Cheetos.

The ruthless denizens of the inner cities will have no qualms about taking what they need or want, nor do I suspect, would they hesitate to shoot people over very little. But... at some point there will be nothing left for them to scavenge in their own territories. As rats are known to leave sinking ships, so too will they attempt to spread outwards to stay alive & perhaps, take advantage of the current situation. I'm not sure how well they'd fare, out of their zone of comfort; but it stands to reason that many people they run across will not fare well at all.

I sorely miss being able to speak to ordinary people, co-workers, neighbors, etc. I'd love to have some idea for how ordinary people are coping, how they're reacting to the different challenges now facing us. Not everyone is ill & I hope many will be able to avoid catching smallpox; at least as long as they can continue to isolate themselves. What happens once people MUST leave their homes is another chapter in this story, one which may lie a good ways off. Being out of contact with all such folks, people like me & my family, makes it harder to try & make decisions.

If I were to know, with some degree of certainty, that others felt like me, that they must see to their own needs & those of their families, I wouldn't worry too much about many choosing to harm us. But I DON'T know that, I actually know very little & that means, for my family's sake, I must assume that we are at risk from anyone who crosses our path. They themselves might be ill or incubating the disease or may be starving with children of their own to feed. What lengths will they go to feed those who depend on them? That's impossible to predict, so, I choose to err on the side of caution.

Oops, side tracked myself, didn't I? I WAS speaking of the news, as best I know it anyway. There are disturbing reports out of Russia that their nuclear power plants are close to failing. I know Moscow is one city where much of the electricity is provided by nuclear reactors. As well, it's been rumored for years that these reactors are poorly maintained & obtaining spare parts for them is next to impossible. Repairs are jury rigged & it's a matter of sheer luck & dedication that so far, major leaks or meltdowns have been avoided. It seems that several plants are now beginning to go critical in the sense that nothing else can go wrong, without meltdowns or other forms of serious radiation leaks. Scary.

There are many other nuclear powers, at least countries which use nuclear reactors to generate some of their energy needs. I can only hope they're in better shape in terms of the plants being in better condition & more trained staff being available should problems arise.

That raises the question of other possible trouble points - what about dams for generating power; dams whose water levels must be carefully regulated to avoid too much stress on the dam itself? What about all such dams, locks & spillways? It's winter now, but once the snows start melting, we could have some real difficulties with overflows, underflow & whatever you call it - I'm not an engineer of any type; I only know enough to know many of these systems need careful monitering & much tweaking by folks who really know what they're doing.

By now, I expect much of the nation's power lines are broken or close to it. Such systems require maintenance, especially in the winter & winter it is for certain. Sam tells me that he saw a lot of downed lines or lines which had trees leaning against them. I'm sure some of the storm sewers & household sewers will be found to have sprung leaks. We're going to have to be especially careful of waterborne diseases this spring & summer. One of us will have to bone up on those things. Thank goodness I'm not short of bleach & pool pucks.

Europe, especially the EU nations, are stating they expect to come out of this with perhaps a third of their populations left alive. The countries are for the most part, simply too crowded to effect proper isolation. As well, many people, especially older citizens, are still accustomed to doing daily marketing as opposed to a weekly shopping trip. So, when news of the outbreak hit, many were poorly prepared to immediately isolate themselves and their families. They simply had to go out, to buy food & whatever items they felt they needed to clean & care for any who fell ill.

In any case, it hit very hard across most of Europe. Their case numbers rose much faster than ours & their total case counts represent a higher percentage of cases than we're seeing here & in Canada. Now, they have serious environmental concerns of their own to fear. The Low Countries mainly exist because of levees & dams. Without constant monitering & quick action to repair any small leaks, it could happen that those nations see substantial flooding. No doubt other nations have infrastructure which requires constant vigilance if not constant maintantence. We'll no doubt find out about many of those when it's too late.

The human factor is starting to be noted here. By that I mean people are getting desperate & are going to extraordinary lengths to get food & other needed supplies. Earlier this evening, we heard gunshots coming from not too far away - I estimate about a half mile or so. The next newscast I caught mentioned that 2 men, both family men, had tried to break into a grocery store almost right down town. Unfortunately, the store owner was guarding the property & to top it off, it was serving as a distribution point for food to the military. Both men were shot, fatally it turns out when they wouldn't obey instructions to put their weapons up & leave.

When their bodies were examined and ID'ed, it turns out both had young families & no food left. What a shame, all family members were physically well, if hungry. None had been ill from smallpox & now a total of two women and five young children have no fathers. The mayor will be speaking to the town tomorrow on the radio. I think it's a safe bet he'll caution people against such desperate acts. What he'll recommend instead to people starving is another question. I'll be listening with interest.

What they tried was really no different from what our people did, except... we remained undetected & got away with it. There but for the grace of God... it's humbling, to put it mildly & an issue my conscience is having difficulty with. I'm not sure to what length I'd be willing to go to feed my family & remain grateful that having stocked up on food & such means I don't really have to examine that whole morass or ethics... yet.

Such stories will only increase in frequency as will peoples' likelihood of trying even more desperate measures. Even in this part of the country, the so called heartland with middle of the road people holding conservative values, civilization may take a bit of a dip in the next few months. We figure our best bet is to continue to lie low, to leave as small a 'footprint' as we can on the community.

We'll be speaking with Drew on the radio tomorrow, something I feel easier about now that Andy lugged home about 30 fresh batteries. Annette chose to stay, not wanting to leave "her" horses, so I'm hoping Anne will let me walk over for a visit some time in the next few days.

[CanadaSue]

Oh, this has been a GOOD day. It's a good day whenever loved ones come home & everyone save Louise & Annette made it home safely & in good spirits last night. Poor Anne; her ankle is still swollen & in spite of her brave words, I know it must hurt. Her mom is delighted to be able to look after "her Annie" for the next little while. I feel a bit guilty saying this, but I'm hoping Anne being injured will take the health focus off of me. I feel pretty good lately anyway & I'm 'allowed' to do a bit more every day. I hope that within a week or so, I'll be back to normal or even better.

Anne did insist that Andy drag out the old exercise bicycle from the basement & she tells me I'll be using it daily - under her supervision, of course! Actually, we figure it's a good idea for all of us, the adults anyway, to spend some time on it. Sam reminded me we have weights somewhere too & once we find them, we'll be doing some weights. The boys; Sam & Andy tell me that if hauling the sleds is indicative of the physical labor which will be required on the farm come planting time, we all need some serious "physical remediation". I don't doubt it & am quite willing to take their word for it.

We had quite a day talking over their experiences finding, hiding & bringing home all that they did. Most of the stuff they left at Drew's & Drew & Noreen, with Annette & Louise's help, will get it organized & catalogued so that we know EXACTLY what we have. Drew also plans to do a thorough cleanup of the three small barns & six various sized sheds & outbuildings he has. His father & grandfather never threw anything away & that may prove very useful. What was it his dad used to say? "Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without." A very old New England, Yankee saying & certainly appropriate when you're trying to carve a working farm out of miles of nothing but prairie & rolling hills. I'm happy now especially, that he held on stubbornly to his land, (Drew's grand dad, that is), & over the years managed to aquire more through sheer willpower & hard work. Boy, it must have been tough on their families!

We're lucky, we're starting with land that IS cleared, has wood lots with both mature wood & lots of deadfall we can harvest for firewood & which provides shelter for small game in the meantime. There's even maple trees we can get maple sap from to make maple syrup. I'll have to read up on that - Drew's never bothered. There are also three streams of various sizes running through Drew's acreage & a couple of large ponds; one could almost be called a small lake. Most of the land is fenced & Drew assures me it's fenced in ways that make it easier for use to use, especially considering we have to do everything the old fashioned way.

Drew also sent over some property maps, that is topographical maps with his land holdings carefully outlined. It's impressive to see on a proper map. He also sent an "overlay"; tracing paper with what he proposes to deed over to our family if we choose to accept his offer of labor for land. Well, it beats share cropping doesn't it? I really have to laugh at the irony here. Drew is probably the area's only black farmer, something which no one here pays much attention to, but I know his grand dad had a heck of a time being taken seriously as a farmer here. No end of salesmen & laborers tried to take advantage of, excuse the frank nature of my language; the "dumb, lazy ******". They weren't able to do though, Drew's grand dad was smart... and tough as he would have had to have been. And now, his grandson is offering a vanilla white family a chance to hold land, land they'll earn by working for a black man. Don't you love America?

I shared that thought with Anne, the boys & MT today & after a few moments of stunned silence, we all killed ourselves laughing. Who would have thought? I don't know how that will be viewed in the future, but I hope my descendants have the same open attitudes I've tried to instill in my family. Everybody starts out with the same chances & how they do depends more on their willingness to tackle hard work & important issues than it does on luck.

Drew is giving us a huge opportunity here & I sure don't plan to forget that in a hurry. As well as deeding us the parts of the house we'll be living in, he wants to give over to us, a good 500 acres for our own. I want to slow him down a bit on that. It's possible one of his sons may eventually make it home, if they're alive & I don't want any bad feelings should that occur. It's possible they are alive & well & if that's the case, getting back here safely could take some time. Anyway, Drew has drawn up plans to let us have 250 or so acres of good planting land, land which has a good all season creek running through it, as well as several acres near the house which are fenced off - perfect for running a few cows or steers or whatever it is we'd be running. Man, do I have some reading up to do! I know NOTHING about the day to day realities of farming.

Andy spoke to me alone for a good 45 minutes or so. He's really impressed with Annette; says she's matured amazingly for a girl her age. I expect nothing better; she's got more than her share of her grandmother's genes! Andy says she's really good with the horses & the two that were skittish calmed right down after she spent some time with them. She's reading up on equine obstetrics & as the young mare gets closer to her time, Annette hopes to be there. It would be quite the exciting experience & would be a good lead in to when the cattle are due to have their calves. Drew thinks he'll have about 55 or so cows delivering calves & hopes they manage that task without too much trouble. Only 7 heifers have never had a calf before & of the others, he says only three tend to act up during labor. Just as well, I don't know anything about that either! Anyway, Annette is old enough to realize she can't spend every waking moment with "her" horses & has been very helpful around the farm house. She also took more than her fair share, in Andy's estimation, of time pulling those sleds back & forth. And did it night after night without complaints. Upon returning to the farm, she would have been justified sinking into a chair, exhausted, yet didn't. She made sure she helped out, sparing the older family members some time & effort. She'll do well & will set a fine example for her brothers & Timmy.

Sam & Maxine are pretty excited at the prospect of moving to the farm. They were a bit worried about speaking to me about it & I understand why. I think I do, anyway. It can't be easy for them, as adults, to live under the roof of another adult, especially a parent. When I think about it, Sam & I ARE different in our approaches to many important things. We would have clashed at some point & we don't need that, especially at such a desperate time. This way, Sam & Max keep a healthy measure of independence in that, while we're not working together, they're under their own roof, so to speak.

Same goes for Andy & Jake, if & when he returns to us. They're both grown men & deserve to be treated as such. It's too easy for me to forget they ARE adults, quite capable of making their own decisions & better for it. I know, if I'm honest with myself, that I would have slipped into treating them as teenagers again & that would NOT have gone down well. I feel better about my decision to accept Drew's offer, when I think about it in those terms.

The boys were pretty bouncy with the return of the rest of the family. They all fell asleep early tonight, after almost overwhelming them all with attention. Greg is steaming; he thought Annette was coming home & is still jealous that she's been looking after the horses. I think his jealousy would lessen somewhat if he really knew just how BIG they are. That & just how much work looking after them entails. We did promise him he'd be "second in command" when it comes to the horses & that if it was at all possible, he could be there when the foal is born. Drew thinks that should occur within the next 2 weeks, although he admits he's no expert on horses. We don't even know if this is the first foal for this mare & if it is, she could be very nervous & easily harm the young one before it's able to stand on its own. I hope not; I think instinct is stronger than nervousness after delivery.

Once we had the kids to bed this evening & a couple of hot meals into our intrepid adventurers, we sat around & talked over some of the practical considerations involved in moving to Drew's place. They are not inconsiderable. We have a ton of things we'd have to bring over to Drew's & a narrow weather window. We have to be sure at least one of the horses can pull a sled, although Drew is pretty at least two of them are accustomed to working under harness. He did find that old sleigh & thinks he can have it cleaned up & ready in a few days. He also found lots of harness parts, as I may have mentioned & Sam says Annette has that cleaned up & has put three sets together. Now, all she has to do is figure out how to get it on one of the horses! Drew insists she waits a few days, until he's sure the horses are perfectly comfortable.

He hadn't planned on horses & the men kept busy making sure the makeshift stalls were suitable for such large animals. Thankfully, feed isn't a problem, not this winter anyhow, although Drew says that with the work we're expecting out of these horses, they'll need quite a bit of grain. He's working the amounts out now, so we'll have some idea how much needs planting. I don't know anything about farming, but I'm thinking we should plant a few fields of it, well spread out, in case of flooding, drought or any problems with pests or weeds. I'll have to defer to Drew on that.

Sam is pleased with their initial look through the barns & other outbuildings. He shook his head at the varied collection of stuff out there. Formerly, I suppose we would have called it junk but now, it's a God send. He says there are a few old hand ploughs, antiques yes & worth their weight in gold. They're covered in rust but Sam thinks that with some elbow grease, they'll be fine, all three of them. I said hand ploughs, but I really mean horse pulled ploughs. I wonder, if the horse is doing the pulling... how hard is it really? Must ask Drew.

We're going to spend the next few days making some thorough lists of what we would want to bring to Drew's place. I know there's a lot, but what we need to do is see exactly what must go over & what must go first. I get a mild headache just thinking about it. We're going to divide the job up at first. I'll go over the food stocks with Maxine while Sam & Andy look at all the tools, furniture type items & "hardware" that we should bring. Little of that would be a priority. There's linens, clothing, medical stuff & argh! books, papers & computer printouts that Andy did before the power went. The miscellaneous stuff will take a while to list, but the way I look at it, if it doesn't spring to mind fairly quickly, it's not that crucial.

Now, we're too concerned about getting it to Drew's as much as we are about being discreet about it. That is going to be next to impossible. If we could count on weather forecasts, we'd time it so that we could make a trip just before a storm, but I'm dreaming if I think we'll be that lucky. What we have in our favor is that there's little human movement out there that any of us have noted. If we can get stuff moved over before people are well enough & feel secure enough to leave their homes, we might be fine. It's a heck of a risk to take, but at some point we simply have to take some risks. We'll plan it very carefully of course & pray... a lot.

Now, to go spend a quiet, (finally!), hour with Anne before we get some much needed sleep.

[CanadaSue]

It's getting pretty late, but I left my watch in the bedroom Noreen gave me, so I'm not sure what time it is. I think it's getting close to morning. I bet I'm as comfortable as anyone in the farmhouse! I'm sitting in a pile of hay, covered almost to my ears in nice, warm hay & Noreen's cat Smoky is curled up on my lap, purring up a storm. I have a thermos of hot chocolate with me that I brought when I snuck out here after Drew, Noreen & Louise were in bed. I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd spend the night with my horses.

They are WAY cool, five big, beautiful horses & Drew says I can look after them! One, I'm calling her Mitzi, 'cause that's the name that was on the stall near where we found her standing; well she's gonna have a baby in a few weeks, Drew thinks. She's a sweetie & lets me feel her stomach. Is that baby horse ever kicking! I think it wants to come out soon. It must be pretty crowded in there. I've been reading an old book of Drew's grand dad's, one which has some neat drawings about how a foal comes out. It's so cool the way something so big can come out of such a small space. I hope it doesn't get its legs caught the wrong way. Drew says he'll be here too & he's used to delivering calves. He says he can handle most problems himself. I hope so.

One of the other mares has some nasty cuts on her leg, poor thing. Grandma Anne told me how to clean it & I wrapped it up with some old white sheeting uncle Andy ripped up for me. I've changed it twice & her leg looks LOTS better. She's hardly limping anymore. I called her Daisy. The other mare, the one says Drew is the oldest, is a nice old thing. Nothing seems to bother her; she's so patient. Uncle Drew told me to practice brushing & combing on her because he figured she wouldn't freak out if I made any kind of mistake. He was right.

The stallion is HUGE; a big, gray horse with a black mane & tail. I wish he was smaller, a riding horse; but I expect if I have to get anywhere in a hurry, I could ride him. Uncle Drew says that's not a good idea, but I think he'd let me - the horse that is. I haven't named the older mare, the stallion or the gelding yet. Grandma Anne thought it might be a good idea if I let the boys each name one. As long as they don't pick dorky names, I guess that's alright.

Noreen had an old camera, one of those neat ones that develops the picture right in front of you & I took pictures of the horses for Uncle Sam to bring back & show the boys. They'll see just how big those horses are! Lifting up their feet to clean their hooves hard on my back, even when the horses think they're co-operating.

I like it here at the farm. Uncle Drew & Aunt Noreen treat me like an adult. They should, I'm fifteen, not a kid anymore. Mom & Dad sometimes treat me like a baby & so does everybody else in the family. How come your own family is always the last to see it when you're grown up? Old stoops! They still think they can hide things from me, but they don't really do a good job. I know when something's going on, even when they don't want to let me know.

They think I'm too young to understand that living here, growing our own food & looking after the animals is going to be a ton of work. Of course I know that! I read the Little House on the Prairie books when I was younger, but I've also read some diaries from other women & girls who lived like that & they all mention how hard it was. But if they could do it, so can I. We all can & I think it will be kind of neat living like that.

I just wish there was someone here my age. The boys really are babies & even Louise, Uncle Andy & Aunt Cindy are way too old to be much fun. And it won't be work all the time. Maybe when most of this disease is gone, we'll find out other people are still living around here & maybe there will be someone I can be friends with. I don't think I'll ever be able to go back to school... well, not for a couple of years anyway.

Working on the farm, helping us all live sounds a lot more interesting than a lot of the junk we have to take at school. Who says you have to learn everything you need to be a grownup at school anyway? I'm having fun reading up about horses & chickens & planting stuff. Who knows, when this is all over, maybe I'll want to stay on the farm & work. It seems more real.

It also means I don't have to spend too much time thinking about my friends. I wonder if any of them got sick or died? That would be so bad. I mean, it's not fair you know, that little kids & even people my age are getting so sick. And what if their parents die, who's going to look after them all? Dad told me a LOT of people are dead or gonna die, like even most of the country? He said for every ten people I know, maybe six or seven will be dead when this is over. God, when I think just of the people I sit in the cafeteria with at lunch, when I think of how few might be left alive. Ugh, I don't WANT to think about it. And I don't think I want to go home, where mom & dad & the rest of us live I mean, not Grand dad's. I know too many people there that might be dead. I know, just as many people have died here, but I don't know them so it doesn't feel the same. Does that make sense? I dunno either, but that's the way I feel.

Everybody went home yesterday, except for me & Louise. Louise is SO happy to be here. She told me she was really lonely & scared by herself & she hasn't heard from Joe since this whole thing started. I hope he's okay. She's really nice & sure knows how to work! Should have seen her pulling those sleds when we brought all that stuff home. She's been looking after Grandma Anne really well too & helping Noreen in the house. She's picked out a nice part of the house for her & Joe, or only her if that's how it works out. They have a bedroom, a big combination kitchen & living room & another room Louise says they'll use to store stuff right now. But if Joe comes back & they have a baby, they've got a room for it!

Mom & Dad looked over a pretty big part of the house. It's got a big kitchen too & that's good because what they call a "parlor" or "front room" is a tiny little box & it's COLD. There are four rooms we can use as bedrooms too. There's also rooms for Aunt Cindy & Uncle Jake, a cute little mini house type thingie & a nice comfy one for Great Grandma. Even with all those rooms & all of us in them, there's more space. This isn't a house or not one I've ever seen before. Uncle Drew promised to tell me the story of his family & how & when the different parts of the house were built once we've all moved over here. I can hardly wait. He says he has old photo albums of his family, even his grandparents & I'd love to look through those.

He's going to let me look through the farm books, as he calls them; too. He says when his grand dad started farming here, he started keeping records of what he bought & how much he paid for it & also what price he got when he sold things. He did a lot of trading too & kept track of that. That might give me some ideas of what kinds of things we could get for say... selling eggs. The boys and me will have to look after all the chickens & I think it will be fun selling eggs & even the meat once we start, (ugh!), killing some of the laying hens.

Boy, there's going to be a lot to do & a lot to learn about. I thought I'd go crazy just learning how to put the harnesses together after I cleaned them. I think I've got it right but I can't figure out HOW to get them on the horses. And the collars are SO heavy. Drew is gonna have to help me until I get it figured out. I think I know how much to feed them; they're SO skinny right now, it makes me cry. Those poor things. I think it's harder to think about the animals than it is about the people. People can get help but animals are sometimes stuck. I bet a lot of peoples' pets & work animals starved to death & that's really sad. I'm glad we found the horses.

Oh, oh, I hear somebody outside. Dad is probably coming to check on me, so I'd better turn out the flashlight & pretend I'm asleep, He'll KILL me if he knows I've stayed up this late.

[CanadaSue]

We've had a terrible two days as a family, possibly the worst since the outbreak began. Only time will verify the truth of my last statement. I'm at Drew's, along with Maxine, trying to figure out what we're going to do.

Seems Annette had sneaked out to spend the night with the horses a few nights ago, when the rest of us were sleeping like babies after a busy day of planning our move to Drew's. She told me yesterday afternoon she couldn't sleep & thought spending the night in the barn would be 'way cool'. It may have turned out to be 'way stupid' & half of me is terrified for her while the other half wants to kill her for her idiocy. We had TOLD those kids not to so much as leave for another room without making sure an adult was aware of where they were. Leaving the house to go to the barn wasn't even in the equation.

Drew & Noreen, as well as Louise were woken up by screams from the barn, then several gun shots. Talk about pandemonium! Drew turned the dog loose, (he'd been in the house because it was so cold), then tore out himself, wearing no more than long johns & carrying his rifle. He stumbled into, to be blunt about it, a God - awful, bloody disaster. Annette was standing at the barn door screaming her lungs out & white as a sheet... absolutely hysterical. No wonder.

About fifteen feet away from her was a man, lying & bleeding on the snow & just about dead. Drew nearly had a heart attack. He damned near had another one when, as he tried to approach Annette, she leveled the rifle at him & told him to & I quote: "Stay the f*ck away from her!"! That is NOT our Annette. He really feared for her sanity, not having a clue what was going on. He yelled out it was him, Uncle Drew & tried to take a few steps towards her. He hit the snow fast when she blew a quick shot over his head. Louise & Noreen were out by then & Annette yelled at them to stay back too. There was no light & to say matters were confused is putting it far too mildly.

Noreen kept her cool & told the other two to shut up & not move while she got a flashlight. Drew says even in the pitch black he could make out that Annette was shaking like a leaf. Noreen got a light, first shined it on herself, then Louise & Drew so Annette could see it was them & asked if someone could come to her. Annette was still refusing, hardly able to speak, but making her feelings pretty clear by the way she was waving the rifle around. When she was able to speak, she kept gasping out: "Stay back, stay away from me!".

They were smart enough to do so; never argue with an armed woman, especially one who's already fired & they gave her some time to get some kind of grip on herself. She finally told Noreen to shine the light on the body & her behavior suddenly became shockingly clear. The man, God only knows where he came from or how he'd traveled at night & where from, was covered in pox sores. God almighty, as if we don't have enough to deal with!

Annette said she had heard someone coming & explained that she'd been worried about getting in trouble, so had turned out the flashlight & pretended to be asleep. It wasn't until the person almost tripped over her, touching her in fact, that she realized it wasn't anyone from the house. She let out one shriek & dove for her rifle, while the poor soul staggered back outside. He must have been very ill, out of his head, for he turned & tried to come back to Annette & at that point, she freaked out & shot him.

God in heaven, what are we to do? I can't blame her, no one does after all we've heard about how bad these varieties of pox are. She was alone, in the dark & terrified & probably feared 'something else' from this man. In any case she shot him, twice & thankfully if there's anything to be thankful for, it sounds as though he died almost instantly. Drew isn't sure how long they all stood there; Annette still in shock & raving, he & the women too stunned too move, too unsure of what to do next.

It was Louise who, thank goodness, finally had a practical solution. She called over to Annette & told her they'd not come near her & to please, PLEASE put the gun down. She was too upset to be holding it. Annette did, for which I'll always be grateful & Louise encouraged her to sit down, before she fell over. She encouraged her to take a couple of deep breaths & assured her that no one would come near until she felt ready to have someone come & help her.

That was when Annette's concern with no one coming close to her was explained. She burst out, according to Drew: "But don't you SEE? He's got smallpox. So I might have it too. You CAN'T come near me!" Damn if she wasn't right either, which brought a whole new set of problems for three shocked adults later told me they had so many thoughts whirling through their heads, they couldn't pin down a single one to think through properly. Drew tells me he simply parked his butt, long johns & all, in the nearest snow bank, trying to catch his breath. It seems it took some time for everyone to calm down enough to try & think things through. Drew said sitting there, watching that little girl shake was the hardest damned thing he's ever had to do in his life. Never has he so wanted to comfort someone for such a good reason. Yet initially anyway, Annette was right. Approaching her may have put all at risk.

Noreen had the best solution. She recommended Annette get back in the barn, to the far end away from the body until the adults managed to dig some kind of grave or burial pit. Drew has farming equipment & still has some gas. He eventually fired up a digger & dug a huge hole, a good ten feet deep. He yelled for Annette to come to the front of the barn & told her what they had in mind. He would get himself "suited up" as best he could to protect himself from virus & try to drag the body to the front of the digger. He asked Annette, if she felt capable of helping him if the weight was too much for him. It took a few minutes for her to make up her mind & Drew bless him, warned her it wouldn't be pretty, but she didn't have to look; he'd have gloves on & would guide her hands to where she needed to grab.

The girl has guts, I'll say that at the very least about her. Drew did find the weight too awkward & needed her help. She refused to shut her eyes, instead insisting on taking a good, long look at the poor man's face. From how Drew described him, she probably did him a favor, he looked worse than anything Drew has ever, in his life, seen. Drew thinks he would have died anyway by this time last night. Drew told me later Annette felt obligated to look at the face of a person SHE had killed & that she also needed to see for herself how bad the disease was. She almost fainted at that point, but pulled herself together, again & helped Drew bury the poor man. They did not check his pockets for any identification but Drew made a note of his hair color, build, height & what he was wearing. He couldn't tell the poor bugger's age; his face was such a mess.

After the burial, both Drew & Annette returned to the barn. Noreen had brought out a lantern & some thermoses of coffee & told them both to stay there until she could bring clean clothes, hot water & things to wash up with. They both did so, cleaning & disinfecting themselves as best they could & Drew burned the clothes they'd both been wearing. They've both decided to stay in the barn until the incubation period is over - something no one is happy with, but what choice do we have, really?

Drew says if they get through without becoming ill, they'll then have to spread hay around until it's well chilled, that should be enough to kill any virus. The virus won't live on the horses, should any get on them. Noreen & Louise can keep them fed & as warm as possible, given the constraints they're working with - a barn full of hay!

Poor Annette; the first thing she blurted out when they were cleaned up & Drew took her in his arms was: "Don't tell Mom & Dad, PLEASE!" Yeah, as if that could be kept from us. Sam & Maxine had been told by then anyway; we all had been & were already on their way over, covertness be damned! That was their child, in a situation that would be beyond nightmarish for any parent. I followed later, after writing down some pretty detailed instructions from Anne. She’s very concerned about Annette’s mental health right now, as are we all & rightly so. This is a girl who has NEVER seen a serious confrontation, a fist fight or even a screaming argument, not in her home anyway. I’m not sure what she’s seen at school or in her neighborhood, but probably not very much. Sam & max don’t over-shelter the kids, but they do their best to keep them away from bad influences.

She’s in a terrible state right now, Drew tells me. She’s not saying much & has been throwing up almost everything she eats. I’m worried sick about her, as is Sam. Maxine says she’ll be alright; just to give her time to work this through in her own way. Drew is keeping a pretty close eye on her & while he DID keep the rifle in the barn, he made sure Annette has no idea where it is. She’s never been a depressive type, but after such an incident, you can never predict how anyone will react. Anne has given me advice about a mild sedative to give her if she continues to not be able to speak. The sooner she really reacts, she says, the better. We’re not to allow her to attempt to stonewall, to bury this & Anne said if, within a few days, she doesn’t let it out, to give her a tablet of something fairly mild. None of us are keen on that idea, but we don’t want her ending up warped over an action which, in retrospect, couldn’t really be helped.

MT sat the boys down & told them, no help for that either as we can’t be sure how long it will take for Annette to “recover” from this & we HAD planned on bringing the boys over soon. Now, obviously, we have to wait until the incubation period is over, so everything is on hold. I’m staying, as are Max & Sam. Cindy, MT & Anne can hold the fort & probably do a better job of keeping the boys in line than I can – an old softie I am at times & this is giving me the chance to speak with Noreen & Drew, (he has a radio in the barn), about plans for the spring. Man – it’s already close to the end of February & we have to be thinking about planting in another 2 or 2,1/2 months.

What has Drew & I concerned now are the mare in foal & the cattle. If, IF either of them get sick, the other person out there is stuck & no one save Drew & Noreen really know much about calving. Noreen can handle it, but on her own? Sam & I will have to bone up really fast on bovine & equine obstetrics. Well, not the horse, as she’s in the barn Drew & Annette are in. Drew tells me that he’s taking advantage, so to speak, of Annette’s silence in that he’s talking her through how to care for horses & chickens. He’s not sure how much she’s hearing, how much she’s absorbing, but he says her white faced, desperate silence is driving him crazy. He'’ terribly worried about her & keeps trying to tell her, it was something that couldn't be helped. She doesn’t seem to want to “hear” that though, turning away whenever he brings it up. He tells me she’s not sleeping well either, judging by the thrashing around that keeps waking him up. I hope the dam bursts soon. This must have been a huge shock to her, one I can’t begin to fathom & I feel so helpless, not really having a clue how best we can help her. Anne keeps reassuring me she’ll react soon, then we’ll know what’s the biggest thing on her mind; the biggest thing about all of this anyway. And knowing that will give us some idea of what to do to help her. To say it’s frustrating is understating to a huge degree.

So now what? We’d been thinking of beginning the process of moving up here quite soon, taking advantage of the snow cover we have to use the horses. Drew was certain that as long as we didn’t overburden them, that we limited each of the two animals he’s determined are trained to harness, that we could get everything done in perhaps a dozen or so trips, at least the crucial stuff. Firewood can wait until sometime next fall or early winter, after crops are in, winter needs are seen to & we have some snow on the ground in order to use the sleighs again.

Drew & Annette possibly being infected changes all of that. We’ll have to use the standard 18 day incubation period & perhaps add a day or two on to that; just to be extra safe. Drew told me privately that he can keep himself busy enough in the barn during that time period. The mare is due within another week or so & the other horses won’t suffer from extra attention from both of them. He wants to refresh his memory on harnessing horses, what things need to be kept in mind in order to keep the animals comfortable. He’ll clean out some of the dark corners he swears haven’t seen the light of day for decades! Heaven only knows what he’ll unearth up in the lofts & some of the old, back stalls that have been sitting empty for a long time. He expects to be able to move the horses into proper stalls within several days. He’ll be keeping Annette busy too; work cures many ills & if this doesn’t help her work this through, it should at least wear her out enough to sleep nights.

We adults have our plates full too. Anne left a laundry list of cleaning to be done in the rooms we’ll be taking over. Not terribly heavy work, just the sort of stale air & dusty corners you’d expect in rooms which have been shut off for a number of years. Sam & Maxine are doing the same thing in the rather larger portion of the farm house they’ll be taking over. If time permits, I’ll next do MT’s rooms, followed by Cindy’s. Andy will come over during the next few days, to bring items back & firth & will no doubt want to spend time straightening out his rooms.

The house is in great shape, structurally. I’d like to replace a couple of older windows; they still have old storm windows with putty in them! That’s something I haven’t seen in a good many years. To my surprise, Drew swears the pipes never freeze & he says they’ve gone up to a week before without power. He & his dad, years ago, removed wall paneling & wrapped all the pipes in asbestos.Yeah, we know now that’s dangerous, but not if you leave it alone, but I’d like to have a look myself. I’d hate to face next spring with bursting pipes, but I’ll defer to Drew this year & leave things be. My big concern is sewage, but Drew assures me that 30 minutes of work with his backhoe should take care of our sewage disposal needs for several years!

I’ve had a look at the chickens. Funny, a couple of chickens at once I can handle but they look intimidating when there are over 200 of them! Glad it’s the kids who will be egg hunting on a daily basis. It seems a real shame that they’re being wasted right now. We go through perhaps a dozen a day between both households, but most of the rest end up in one of the compost heaps. When I think of all those with nothing to eat… but it can’t be helped right now. Maybe after the illness passes, we can set up trade. I think we’d do rather well, although I expect it will take quite some time for any real trade network, even on the most local basis, to be set up.

The cattle are well beyond my comprehension. Drew says the only thing I really need to keep in mind is that they’re not long on brains. Again, I shudder to think at all the milk going to waste, as some of the cows are really starting to produce a lot of milk. I’m not sure what kind of “schedule” cows decide to produce milk on. It makes sense to me that they would do so when they’re having their calves, but Drew said he’ll explain all of that to me in the next few days. Somebody is going to have to!

Noreen & Louise are keeping the cattle fed, watered & as mucked out as possible. Even with all of us pitching in when we can, trying to keep the dirty bedding out of the barn is a huge amount of work. Drew says most can be used next fall, laid over the fields for fertilizer. I can’t imagine how we’ll get all the darned stuff from the back of the barn & spread over the earth. It’s a huge mountain & likely to grow quite a bit larger before Drew says we can pasture the cattle. But never mind us here, what of my place?

MT says everything is fine. The boys are well & she’s keeping them busy with chores & studies. Cindy is finally doing her share of work – I think MT had a little “chat” with her after we left. She’s making sure Anne doesn’t have to lift a finger. Seriously, Anne has begun getting to her feet a few times a day. She can’t go far & MT won’t let her, but she’s much more comfortable than she was & only needs to take Motrin now. She hasn’t been complaining, but she was never the type to anyhow. I think she’s most concerned about Annette right now, as are we all.

But, for the next several days, we’ll all do our best to keep busy & pray that Drew & Annette stay well & healthy. This is far more serious than Timmy coming into our home was -–at least with him the threat was far more theoretical; now it’s been brought far too close to home. We’ve all given some of praying time over to that poor soul Annette had to shoot. Whoever he was, where ever he came from, it’s an awful way to end your life. We’ll keep praying & making alternative plans for all scenarios.

And most of all, we’ll pray we’re spared any more heartache.

[CanadaSue]

Anne here, keeping up with the journal; shameful that this is one of only a few entries I've made, but everyone else is either too busy or too rattled right now. It's been four days, or rather nights, since Annette & Drew were exposed & I'm beginning to get nervous. Although the range of incubation goes as long as 18 days, my experience both at the hospital & care center lead me to believe that if they're going to get sick, it will be any time now. It's a terrifying prospect, especially considering where they are right now. If they get sick, they simply cannot remain in that barn. I've told Tom & Sam to clear out a room at Drew's; just strip it out completely & be ready to care for either or both there. If it comes to that, I'll have to get over there. I have the training & experience & I don't want anyone else exposed, not if I can help it.

Things here are fine. The boys have been great about helping me out, bringing me my meals & "helping" me get around. I finally had to tell them today that it was time I got on my feet more! The swelling has really gone down & so has the pain. The ankle still feels somewhat fragile, but as long as I have it tightly wrapped & walk carefully, it's fine. Mom spoiled me rotten for a few days, but enough is enough! I told her to chivvy Cindy instead; to make sure she got off her butt & got some work done. There's enough to do & she's at the easiest part of her pregnancy anyway.

She's feeling much more cheerful in any case. We were listening to the radio yesterday & a "military spokesman" was discussing the resumption of the rationing program. We're all certain that the spokesman was Jake. Cindy is convinced & absolutely delighted, although we warned her that it was always possible it was someone else. But... a happy, hopeful Cindy is a lot easier to live with!

I've kept her busy packing up all my medical equipment, at least that part which I think should go over to Drew's. Mom has been going through summer clothing & stuffing all of that into suitcases & boxes for later transport. That sort of stuff can go now, it gives us more working room & doesn't weigh all that much. It would be a good trial for the horses. Sam came over earlier & I sent him over with some supplies, medical stuff, in case either of them DO get ill. Rather do it now while I'm still calm & thinking straight then after I find out, (God forbid), that any of them are sick over there.

He left after supper to head back & we all sent him with love for all our people there. He'd brought over some eggs, so we had pancakes & omelettes for supper - yum & Mom baked a cake, a nice gooey, chocolate cake. I thought the boys would eat themselves sick!

Andy has been making himself useful moving some of the heavier items we'd like to get moved over sooner, rather than later. He's boxing up stuff, labeling it & taping boxes securely shut. We had word from Drew's that he & Annette managed to get the harness on the gelding & one of the mares & it's clear the horses are quite accustomed to being in harness. Assuming they don't become ill in the next few days, we think it's been cold enough in the barn to kill off any virus particles in the air. It doesn't tend to live more than a few hours in open air anyway. They plan to harness the horses, first good day they get, weather wise, send them out of the barn & Noreen can hitch them up to the sled. No one has any experience driving a sleigh, but as they keep saying, how hard can it be? Just to be sure, Noreen & Sam will practice in the front of the farmyard until they're comfortable with the process.

Then, the plan is to drive over the field to the back of our house - Andy is ready to take down part of the back fence is a way that we can re-install it after we're done. We'd drive the sleigh right to the back door, load it up & they'd drive back. With luck, we can start that in a few days.

Noreen is also working on plans for several kitchen gardens. She wants to separate them into 5 or 6 different plots & what she'll plant or have us all plant in each plot will be based on the soil, light & drainage. They've always done potatoes & have more than enough suitable land for spuds. Noreen is now trying to recall the best way to interplant different things, to minimize the amount of planted land we have to wed, at least for this summer. All I remember is that you can plant squash & pumpkins between corn plants! Must be a lot more you can do.

The men & Louise have apparently just about completed cleaning up those parts of the farm house we'll be using. There wasn't that much to do; a good dusting or three, followed by washing the walls & floors. Noreen had the foresight to simply have blinds on the windows * she says she has boxes of curtains as well as material suitable for curtains up in the attic. No rush for that. It gets dark early & we're likely to be up before sunrise for a time anyway.

The hardest part of getting those parts of the house ready was clearing out chimneys. Two were really fouled with soot & the men made the mistake of cleaning the front rooms & kitchens where the stoves were BEFORE they reamed out the chimneys. Idiots! I almost killed myself laughing when Sam told us. Maxine was fit to kill & told the men that seeing as they'd made the mess, they'd have to clean it up. It took them hours but they finally finished up.

Sam says the part Max & the kids will be using will be workable. It's a bit smaller than their own home, but in his mind that means less cleaning. The furniture is solid, if old fashioned & Maxine doesn't think it will take her long to figure out the stove. Apparently, it's one of those wonderful old black iron stoves with two fire boxes, four "heating elements & a warmer on top. It also has two ovens & Maxine is looking forward to learning to use it.

He also reports that Tom has picked out a nice, comfy set of rooms for the two of us. Mom's room is just off of that, so she can maintain her independence yet be close by. That sounds like a perfect arrangement to me. Andy, typical bachelor; picked a small pair of rooms & a closet turned into a tiny bathroom. The one thing I'll miss is showers - old farm houses tend to have bath tubs, not modern showers. Maybe Tom can think of some arrangement that would work. While baths are wonderfully relaxing, they're not my favorite way to get cleaned up.

Everyone is keeping busy as there's certainly no lack of work to do or planning to be done for future work. The immediate priorities are finishing preparations at the farm house so we can begin the process of moving in. Then, we have to get our things over there & unpack, set up & store what we're not immediately using. That aspect assumes that some of the back sheds & storage areas have been cleared out as well & whatever is in those areas that may be useful now & later, also has been properly stored.

Once we've pretty much moved over, Tom & the boys will need to spend time securing our house as best they can while the rest of us develop some workable, daily routines, both in our own 'mini households' & also encompassing the farm work. Drew & Noreen will have to be patient with us as we all have a lot to learn. I only hope we don't make too many serious mistakes. I think I'll have to help the boys, quite a bit at first, care for the chickens & collect the eggs. I'm not looking forward to shoveling out chicken waste; that stuffs reeks worse than pigs, I've always thought. Annette & Greg can care for the horses, watched over by Drew. The men will end up doing most of the heavy farm work, the ploughing & such & we women will have to help as best we can, as well as do most of the household stuff; cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. Cindy started lecturing me about equality, then caught herself & burst out laughing. I guess she realized how ridiculous it is these days to insist on political correctness. I laughingly told her she'd have to settle for 'separate but equal'; at least until we regain some degree of mechanization!

Soon, the pace of work will pick up dramatically on the farm. I think the calves will start being born in about a month or so & I hope the weather isn't too bad. Drew says it's best if we can get them back outdoors for a few weeks before they're due. That would let him air out & clean the barn. Noreen says getting them out isn't too bad. It's simply a question of not feeding them on time, of putting out a lot of hay at the BACK of the pasture they use in the spring. Once the first cattle get a whiff of the feed, they head straight out & the others follow. The fence is solid, as is the gate. There are 2 wind shelters for the animals & while they're out there, the rest of the folks there will clean out the cattle barn as best they can. Drew has one barn, the one they're in now, (the cattle that is), he uses for calving. He thinks most of the cows should manage just fine on their own, although either he or Noreen will be checking frequently incase any cows are in distress. He has an awful looking contraption he uses to pull out calves if that's needed. He also has bottles for any orphaned calves, formula he can mix up & medications for the most common problems. Calving should be completed within two weeks.

The end of calving season will bring the time to make sure the farm equipment needed for ploughing & seeding is ready. Actually, they're working on that now & the task is both simplified & complicated by the fact that they're using old harnesses & ploughs. Sam is cutting extra leather straps & other harness bits - spare parts he says, in case of breakages. The women are going to make sure every bit of laundry that needs doing is done before planting season & that the house is sparkling clean - there won't be time for more than the most basic housework once planting starts.

I dread the thought of all that work, but it can't be helped. We have no real idea of how much land we'll be able to plant & maintain as this is new to all of us. We can only do our best. There will be work all summer & well into the fall & I expect that we'll see the coming of the cold weather with relief. Time to relax, repair things & spend more time teaching the kids. During the farm work seasons, there will be precious little time for any schooling.

I refuse to believe that by some miracle, everything will be better by spring. We're only a few months into this plague & I expect it to take a year or two, probably two, to fully run its course. Then, there's the huge task of simply determining who is left & what power plants, telephone lines & all that kind of technological stuff is left. What can be repaired? What needs to be done first? I'll let better minds than that handle those jobs; I'll have enough to do just keeping everyone here well & as happy as possible. I figure that by caring for ourselves to the best of our ability, we'll be easing a small bit of the strain on different levels of government. If as many as possible see to their own needs, I'm hoping we'll return to a new normal more quickly. Only the passage of time will make that clear.

For now, we have our own, more immediate concerns to worry about. I have to keep reminding myself, both Drew & Annette are healthy & Annette was vaccinated. I'm assuming Drew did as well. We'll all pray hard & keep our fingers crossed.

[CanadaSue]

Anne here again; this will probably be short as I'm rather tired, but I did want to keep this as up to date as possible. First & most importantly, Annette & Drew still appear to be healthy. Drew has kept Annette & himself busy rummaging through the lofts & old, almost forgotten sections of the barn. They've heaved quite a lot of rotted old bedding out the back, thankfully taking the time to haul it well clear of the back entrance. I wonder if we can use that as fertilizer? Don't see why not...

They've done quite a bit, it seems & among the stuff they found is an old butter churn. Now that brought me up short. You know; I'd never spared a thought to butter, how we'd make it? I just kind of assumed it would be "there". Of course now, I realize that nothing is simply going to be "there"; that we'll have to already have, obtain in some way or make all our needs. That's rather frightening to think about, especially as we don't know how long this state of affairs will last.

I wonder if Noreen has an old fashioned treadle sewing machine? I sincerely hope so. Hand sewing clothing is awfully time consuming. Daing almost anything by hand is time consuming & one asset we're going to be short of is time. I know our forebearers did all of this, but they were trained up in these ways. We on the other hand, are not used to any of this & I fear we're going to waste a lot of time learning what we need to know. Right now, the prospect is terrifying to me. I was in tears earlier, after I found out about that silly, old butter churn. Now why would a churn make me weepy? Once I got the tears out & enjoyed if you will, a good wail, I realized it was more what it represented. It seems that it appeared to me to be the symbol of what we've lost, what we have to return to in terms of lifestyles.

I'll admit it, I love modern conveniences as much as the next person. There is so much WORK in the old fashioned ways. Mom tells me it's not that bad, once you get used to it. I'm just not so sure I WANT to get used to it. There, I've said it. I don't want to have to deal with our "new", old lifestyle. I'd far rather we lose all the nasty things modern living has brought. By that I mean the horrid stuff that passes for music & the singers & groups the kids set so more store by. I don't get it... what is it about a successful young pop singer that makes her turn into a passable imitation of a tramp by the second or third album? Even albums aren't that anymore, but CDs.

I hate the swearing, the rudeness, the whole 'dumbing down' thing the kids seem to think is so cool. I won't miss any of that. I WILL miss simply being able to hop in my car & going to buy what I need & knowing it can almost always be found. I'll miss being able to take sick family members to a modern clinic or hospital if I feel what they have might require verification with modern tests & equipment. I dread the new uncertainties an old fashioned lifestyle will bring. Sure, modern living has its own uncertainties, but they rarely involve life itself.

I was thinking earlier about what's involved simply in having a cotton shirt. The cotton needs to be grown, successfully harvested, turned into thread, woven, measured, cut & sewn. You need buttons. You need time to make it. And that's one lousy little cotton shirt. Don't get me started on what all is involved in putting a roast in the oven!

The kids aren't thinking that way of course & I almost envy them. They're spared a lot of the worries; simply taking it for granted that as adults, as their older relatives, we can make what they need & in many instances what they want, simply appear. We're all going to experience severe culture shock in a sense. Boy, I wish I had more old 'how to' manuals. I wish I had better emdical books. I'm not sure if what I have will do. I may need to set bones, do stitches, deal with infections, both local & systemic & I definitely will have to deliver at least one baby! Mom is not well & what if her cancer returns? By the time we figure that out, it would undoubtably be way too late to do very much.

I'm so scared & am not even sure what all I'm frightened of. Part of it is not knowing what's ahead of us; knowing we can't count on very many of the things we're used to once in a while. I think all we adults share those fears one way or another. Right now, it's easy to turn all that fear towards Drew & Annette, but even if that is resolved with neither of them becoming ill, the fears will remain.

Tom walked back here today, brought us some real milk & a dozen more eggs. He's certainly looking healthier than he was right after I returned home. I don't want him taking on too much though; we need him. I need him. I'd be completely lost without him. He came back to talk over what we'd do if we have to deal with smallpox at the farm. They've cleaned out an old bedroom which, thankfully, was floored with old linoleum. It's cold, ugly, but easy to clean & best of all, has an entrance separate from the main house. They've gotten it ready for two cases & Tom is ready to seal the door to the main part of the house shut with duct tape or some kind of tape.. think he said duct tape. Let's hope it's not needed.

He returned to the farm just after supper & reports Drew & Annette continue to do well. Noreen is getting pretty nervous; if Drew gets sick & God forbid, dies; she's left with no immediate family. Louise bless her, is keeping Noreen occupied, asking her about farming & such & hopefully, keeping her a bit distracted. The horses are well & Drew & Annette have been practicing harnessing with the older mare. Bless that horse, she's patient. Drew says it's comical. Initially, they put a few bits of it on wrong & he says the horse turned her head; he'd swear she was saying: "That's not how, silly!". They think they have it now & if the horse's reaction can be trusted, they do. Tomorrow, they'll turn two horses out, already harnessed & Noreen & sam will try to hitch them to the old sleigh, then drive slowly around the farm yard, getting used to the whole process.

As for the rest of us, we're getting on with things. Everyone is busy reading up on old methods of farming, gardening & animal husbandry. Drew is scribbling down as much as he can remember about any aspect of farming that he's not sure is in some book or other he may have. I know he's worried about becoming ill & wants to make sure we have as much information as possible. The boys are doing very well with basic reading, writing & math. They're motivated & that must be the difference. I think we'll hold certain more "adult" responsabilities over their head, kind of like a carrot. "Learn this much & you can do that work"; type of thing. It certainly has changed Greg's attitude. He HATED school & reading & now is doing way more than the minimum Tom requires.

Cindy is putting herself through a childbirth training couorse & Mom is acting as her partner & coach. Good; information & preparation helps with the anxiety. Sam, Tom & Andy are looking through Drew's farm tools & getting them cleaned up as best they can & making any obvious, needed repairs. Not much to be done there as Drew had done most of that right after he finished bringing in the harvest & 'putting the farm to bed' for the winter. Maxine is reading very old recipe & home making books; those which detail the older ways. Under any other circumstances, she says it would be fun. But as it is, it just reminds her of how much we still all need to learn.

Well, I must get to bed. I think I'm more tired that I realize; my ankle is starting to throb. Time to head to bed.

[CanadaSue]

Hello, my name is Drew. I own & operate the farm here along with my wife Noreen. Tom told me about his family diary & told me that if we were joining up families, he'd love our contributions to his journal. I think it's a great idea - wish I'd thought of it myself. If I didn't feel I was short on time here, I'd try to write my impressions of the last couple of months. I may anyway, but I have more urgent matters to attend to first.

Tom & Sam both told me how they & their families felt about my offer & asked me if I'd write something about what motivated me to offer them part of my home & my land. Knowing both the way I do, I'm sure they were straight forward & fair, but I know it came as a shock to them, so I will mention my motivations. Tom explained the rules - what we write is neither read nor commented on by other writers or anyone in the family for that matter. He says no one has yet decided how many years to wait before everyone gets a chance to read this. I have no real opinion on the matter, but that sort of thing can be decided later. However, I am doing this in duplicate, using carbon paper. Man, ,I'd forgotten what a pain in the butt it is to use that darned stuff.

I want a duplicate for Noreen. I just don't have a good feeling about the situation I now find myself in, but what the heck was I supposed to do? Leave that poor little girl standing there, frozen in shock with a steaming, bleeding body not 20 feet from her? Once Noreen brought out some light, it was pretty clear he had smallpox bad & we simply had to bury him. No way that little girl could shift that body herself & I'm not inhuman enough to ask that of anybody. I did have my vaccination, but I'm not sure how well it will protect me. That man that died, he had the baddest case of anything I ever saw. He was simply covered in those pox things. I couldn't even figure out where one sore ended & the other began & early on the tv was showing some graphic photos of what people might look like with it. Maybe he had one of those complications, the nastier types. I don't know; couldn't bring myself to look at him more than I had to. I said I'd had the shot, but I'm not sure it took real well. I only got a bit of a reaction & hardly any itching.

So going by what all the doctors were saying on the tube, I expect if I'm going to get sick, it will be any day now. I've never been much of a writer; just as easy to talk to the kids on the phone, ,but if I get sick, I'm not sure I'd make it. I want something on paper for my own to remember me by. And if that means only you Noreen, my love, remember that you've been everything to me. Not that you need me to, but if the good Lord takes me home, you can bet I'll be sure to tell what you've meant to me all these years. And you know you can count on Tom and Anne. They're good folks, always have been & good to our family.

I've written down lots of stuff for everybody about the farm; my usual crop rotations, what I do to maintain the equipment although that's hardly needed now. Maybe soon though, they'll be able to get gas. I was happy to surprise Tom tonight, telling him I had 2 underground storage tanks & enough gas in there with stabilizers to get the spring ploughing, the rough ploughing anyway, done. They'll still have to seed by hand, but if we or they are real careful, we can use the cutter & baler in the fall to bring in the hay. That will save us tons of work. I can't imagine NOT having access to gas & other fuels the spring after this one. But if not, we'll try to plant & harvest enough to carry us over 2 years. I've got the room to store it all & that old pup of mine looks like she's going to have pups of her own. She must have been busy that one night she took off. And here I thought she was after rabbits! I figure just about three weeks from now, we'll be having pups. Good timing, I was thinking a few weeks past that we sure could use a few more good guard dogs. Dagnabit Always was pretty good & assuming she didn't mate with some good for nothing idiot terrier or something, we might get ourselves a little of useful pups. I'm hoping she doesn't have more than three or four. I'd like three more & an extra guard dog, trained up might be good for trade. I figure Tom's grandsons are at about the prime age for a dog of their own. Nothing like a dog to teach a kid responsibility & care for another living being.

Annette is doing a fine job with the draft horses. I'm not too sure, but they look to have some Percheron in them. She's got a calm way about her that the horses find easy & the way she's cared for that wounded mare has been something. I don't doubt the girl would make a good vet if she's so inclined. She's been reading up on horses & chickens & she's smart enough to ask when she can't figure something out. She's asking, to my mind, the right questions too.

Now I have to admit, she's got me worried. It just doesn't seem natural for a girl her age to not be reacting to what happened that night. I would have thought by now she'd have gone almost crazy hysterical, but she just sits there, stony faced & white. Oh she's working hard, almost currying those horses to death & helping me clean out the back corners of this old barn but since that night, she's not said a word that didn't absolutely need saying. I'm going crazy trying to figure out how to snap her out of it. She's not sleeping right & she's eating less. I wonder if I shouldn't really shock her, yell at her or slap her or something... anything to get her to let it out.

I know she feels terrible about taking a life but it seems to me that if she hadn't shot that man, God would have taken him home within a few hours. I can't for the life of me figure out how he got as far as my place. Not sure where he came from either. We traced him back down the road as far as we could, but his footprints blended into old & new tire tracks from police & military vehicles, so he could have come from anywhere. I'm surprised a patrol hadn't stumbled on him before he got as far as my place. I'm sure Annette feels it's her fault that I may be exposed to smallpox, but if it wasn't me, it would have been one of the women. It doesn't matter really, anyone of us would have done the same thing. And stuff like that just.. happens, no matter how much you try to prevent it. I'm telling myself it's just God's will, although on a dark, windy night like this, it seems cold comfort. I'm kind of old to want to curl up clutching my woollen bear & covering my head with the blankets, but I sure wish I could. Instead, I'm settling for a warm bed in the straw with a purring barn cat cuddled up beside me.

Goodness, I took a short break - hand kind of cramped up & sorted through an old burlap bag of junk that was lying under an old apple box at the back of the loft. Talk about hidden treasures! It's full of things I played with as a kid, when my dad let me rest for a bit. There's an old baseball, almost rotted away - looks like the mice have been at it. There's my old mouth harp too! Later on, I'm going to clean it out; give it a good dusting & blow some of the dirt out. I wonder... would music help Annette? I don't know a soul whose hearts ain't moved by stuff like Rock of Ages, Amazing Grace & Red River Valley. If the good Lord co-operates & gives me starry night tomorrow, I'm going to light a little "camp fire" right outside the barn door. Noreen can toss over a bag of marshmallows & I'll whittle us some sticks. Then I'll just start playing & see if it don't thaw her heart out a little. That kid NEEDS a good cry. Hell, maybe I do too.

We've been too long just getting by, doing what we have to & collapsing in our beds when we can. I still have work to do in the barn, but a few hours off ain't going to make much difference. Not a bad idea to eat the horses used to music too; might help settle that mare when her time comes. Gosh, I'd forgotten I ever had that old harmonica. Hope I remember how to play it.

Just checked on the horses again & stepped right outside for a bit. It's a mighty fine night - somewhat windy, but the stars are so bright. I saw a wishing star, it flashed across the horizon & disappeared almost before I could see it & didn't I take a minute to pray to the Good Lord that he spare that little girl anymore pain. She's tiny, but has a big heart. I don't think even the biggest heart can easily bear a burden as large as the one she's carrying though. She needs the Lord's help with something this big. It IS a fine night. Even under the circumstances, it takes hearing the silence & almost smelling the cold to make me appreciate just how much I do have - a fine wife, good, productive land & fine friends such as Tom & his family.

I told Tom I'd talk about my offer. It's like this. My heart tells me my children & their families have been called home to the Lord - it's just something a daddy knows. I have no other family but Noreen. Years ago, when I was a little boy, my dad & I were in town buying some groceries & other things my momma wanted. Some redneck idiots, from out of town started giving my daddy a hard time. Being a God fearing man, he was just standing there taking it, turning the other cheek. Tom's daddy happened to step out on to the street just about then & saw what was going on. He wasn't a big man, but his courage wasn't measured in inches either. He called out those young punks just as cool as you please & didn't they just melt away like the cowards they were. I felt ashamed of my daddy, just didn't understand why he didn't fight back. I met Tom's dad a few weeks later, when I was in town alone & he bought me a soda. He was a pretty smart man, saw that something was bothering me & wormed it out of me real quick. He told me what my dad had done, just stand there & keeping his mouth closed took more courage than fighting back. He made me see it that way too & I've always been grateful to him.

Over the years, he sent a lot of business my dad's way & they became true friends. Now this isn't a really prejudiced part of the country, but back then, the colored had their place; we just didn't really see it as prejudice. Tom's dad acted as if we were the same color, as if he were truly color blind. He raised Tom that way & the 2 of us became friends in high school. Tom's taken a few punches for me more than once; never mad any fuss about it, just said: 'friends are supposed to stand up for each other". Well he's always stood up for me & I guess now it's my turn to help he & his out. I can't farm all this land, manage all these animals by myself & losing them to stubbornness & stupidity would be a crime in God's eyes, I'm sure. Tom is an honest man, a hard worker & he brought up his kids that way. I know Joe & Louise as well & they're solid people. I expect we've all got a far better chance of staying alive if we all work together & maybe once the worst of this is past, we can help the town get back on its feet.

There won't be many people left & I'll be happy to help out, showing others how to plant what they need to feed their families, how to care for livestock. Anne's a good nurse & she can help Noreen keep her blood pressure in check. She's had problems with that for a few years now. Tom's a good teacher - both my boys took his English classes & he made them LEARN. All the men & women Tom is bringing us, not to mention the children come from good solid blood. Oh, they've got a lot to learn about farming, including some hard lessons, but they'll make out just fine. I remember the first time my daddy let me take on an orphaned calf to raise. Wasn't I proud when it grew as big as any of the other steers dad kept. And wasn't I horrified to find out he had the same fate in store for him as any of the other steers. That's probably the hardest lesson any farmer's child has to learn - that farms aren't zoos for pets; that the animals are treated as best we can treat them, but ultimately, they have a purpose.

Sure, there have been some animals I've hated to send to slaughter, but you can't afford too much sentimentality on a farm. There's almost always ONE pet though & if it helps, I may do that for the kids. It will ease the transition some. Noreen will be happy to have young ones around. That's what we regret most about our children living so far from us. Precious few visits with the grandchildren. I told Drew, he's doing us a favor as much as I'm doing them one. I know they'll work hard & a big house like this needs to be filled. There will be plenty of tears in our future, no doubt & plenty of laughter. But by God, we'll APPRECIATE life like we never have, I'm sure.

There now, for a man not used to writing much, I haven't done too badly now, ,have I?

Noreen will laugh, won't you, Love Bug? I'm putting this in a plastic bag & weighing it with a rock, then tossing it towards the house. I'll have yelled at you to leave it sit until sundown tomorrow, before you pick it up & read it. I can see you sitting down with your evening tea, ,reading this to yourself. Smile for me - I miss your smiles out here. Don't you wish we were newly married kids again? Remember when we used to spend nights snuggled up in the hay - for fun? Have to tell you precious; these old bones aren't finding it too comfortable anymore. Age has its limitations. Don't worry about me, honey. I added this part just to your copy; not the one for Tom's Journal. I miss our talks in bed at night, after we've put the farm & the kids to bed. Hang in there my sweet; I'll be fine, I'm sure if God wants it that way.

Our favorite time of year is coming - calving season & I don't expect many problems with this year's cows. I can hardly wait to see the look on the childrens' faces when they see a new life come into the world. Remember when our boys saw that? Their first calf? You know, I remember that as if it were yesterday. These may not be our grandbabies, but they're even more precious now. If, as the radio is saying, ,we only have about 500 expected to survive this locally, not too many will be children. We'll all have to protect & educate those we have left, as best we can. But now, my love, Annette is starting to stir. It took her a while to fall asleep so I'd best put out the light before she wakes. God bless you my dear & hold you close.

Drew

[CanadaSue]

It's pretty late; I'm not even sure what time it is. Uncle Drew is asleep & I think the horses are too. Even the cat disappeared, probably sleeping with Uncle Drew. I don't blame her - I hate sleeping with me, even. I can't talk about it, but maybe I can write about it. I've really messed things up for everybody & I don't know how they can stand to have me around them. No wonder they're insisting I stay in the barn. Uncle Drew is probably out here just to make sure I don't shoot anybody else. I noticed, (I'm not dumb), that the rifle is gone. It's probably here somewhere, but I'm not sure.

I don't know how Uncle Drew can even stand talking to me, never mind sharing a barn with me. I want to get as far away from me as I can, I wish there was a way of doing that. I thought of sneaking out, just walking away until I can't walk anymore, falling asleep & never waking up. But I'm pretty sure God would be as furious with me for doing that as he's going to be for me shooting that poor man. How could I have done that? Why didn't I just stop & think? That was so, SO stupid. I know everybody is being nice about it, telling me he would have died anyway, but how can they know that for sure? If he could walk that far, surely he would have been alright?

Who was he? Did he have a family? Is somebody waiting for him somewhere? Oh God, I can't stand it. I'm afraid to open my mouth - I might start screaming & never stop. I'm going crazy, I must be. I don't know what everybody wants from me. Uncle Drew looks at me almost as if he's afraid of me. He hardly knows what to say to me. He keeps talking about the horses & the chickens. Can't he see none of that matters anymore? I've killed a man!

I hope I get smallpox. It would only be right, wouldn't it? But if that happens, then someone has to look after me & what if they get sick too? It just isn't fair that everybody is going to have to pay for me being so, SO stupid. I wish I had thought to turn on the flashlight or something. Then, I would have seen he was sick & I could have run out the back & into the house. I could have woken somebody up; they would have known what to do.

I'm never, ever going to be able to make up for this... not with anybody or with God. I know God forgives people their sins, but does he really forgive them when they've been so stupid? I could see Greg making a mistake like that, he's only a kid. But I'm just about all grown up. I should have known better. I've got to think of some way out of this mess; not for me so much as for everybody else.

[arfifteen]

Have enjoyed this alot! Looking forward to more.

BTT

[Lei]

Happy New Year Cananda Sue. I love your storey.

[rafter]

I keep checking in, hoping for a new chapter. BTTT

[CanadaSue]

Happy New Year to one & all. Sorry it's been so long since the last chapter. My computer decided to go postal & so did my brain...lol.

Seriously, the story was starting to head in several contradictory directions in what passes for my mind. I had to try & determine where I really wanted it to go. I'm not sure I've a 100% final determination, but I've narrowed it down considerably.

I also made the mistake of re-reading 'The Stand' which in many ways, comes a little too close to what I've been doing. I didn't want to inadvertantly end up plagarizing King in any way; even if it's only online. In some ways, that can't be helped, at least the idea part of it. Can't change my POV because a published writer has already elaborated on it...lol. Trying to keep that to a minimum, though.

I also had some family crap to deal with & that, combined with the whole Christmas season was draining.

Now, back to work with at least a chapter a day in the works. I've got a number of them outlined, so it should go quickly.

Now, who to make sick, who to kill...lol...

[CanadaSue]

Tom here again, after a rather prolonged gap in diary entries. Funny, it's not as though we've had too much to do to write. I know none of us felt much like sharing our thoughts, either with each other or with our, (hopefully), descendants. We all seemed to enter a period of 'quiet contemplation' more or less at the same time. We all had things we felt we needed to think through or work through, mentally. Funny, not one of us had had a lot to say to anyone else this past week or so. Thankfully, no one has pushed anyone else to chat either. I know, speaking for myself, if anyone had pestered me to share what was one my mind; I would have snarled. For much of the past week, I wouldn't have been able to give a straight answer to that question. My head has been roaming far & wide, thinking about family issues, surviving this crisis & ranging as far as that Big Question: What comes next?

I'm not sure I'm any farther aheasd in finding answers at any level, but I need to do that once in a while; just stay quiet & think things through. I'm glad there's enough busy work to keep my hands occupied while I ponder imponderables! I suppose I should give a report on our current situation before mentioning anything else.

First, the weather has been pretty changeable, storms one day, warming up past the melting point a day or two later. We've kept busy keeping the paths to the barns & outbuildings & sheds open & safe. Sam & Andy "borrowed" some of Drew's nylon rope & roped a path between the house, the outhouse & the barn where the cattle are kept & the one where Drew & Annette are still residing. We haven't had a storm bad enough to need to use a rope to find our way yet, but we're due. We've all been doing a fair bit of reading, trying to learn, (at least in theory), the skills we need to operate a farm in order to feed our little crowd. The physical work itself doesn't need any studying. Work is work; aching muscles tell you all you need to know about that. I dread those first few weeks though; that time period when, according to every old diary, every historical account I've ever read, days pass in a back breaking blur of labor, sweat & pain. I'm a little long in the tooth for such prolonged physical work & it will be new to all of us. I suspect, once I get used to the fatigue & once my muscles adapt; that I'll have even more reason to stand in awe of our forebearers.

Before all this happened, Annette was doing a wonderful project for American history. Instead of dry, droning lectures on opening the west & homesteading, her class was split into groups of five students each. They were given a 'game' to play, told they were going to be homesteaders & would have to make their way to new homestead sites being opened up to settlers somewhere in the midwest - Kansas I think although I'm not sure anymore. The students were given a token amount of fictional cash & with it, had to try & equip themselves for the journey as best they could. Not only that, they had to make decisions about what farming implements, animals, seeds & supplies they were to bring.

Once the group researched & made these decisions, the game could start properly. Annette explained her teacher had a large scale map of the territory to be settled up on the class room wall. Potential homesites were marked out - there for the staking. The students had to research the land, bearing in mind that new settlers would have had little real information about what conditions truly were like. The aim was to try & reach the territory safely, pick out an homestead & start working it. Each group was given a number & the 'game' was played with dice. You moved the appropriate number of spaces along the game board. As in Monopoly or other similar games, some moves were straight forward. At other times, the students would hit ther equivalent of "Chance" cards. The card might read that if they'd chosen horses to pull their wagon; that a horse died & if so, go back six spaces or something. In any case, the game was set up with lots of opportunities for the groups to have to make decisions, to take risks. Annette loved it & we spoke of it on the phone frequently.

Now in a sense, I feel as though I'm living in the midst of such a game, but this one isn't fun. I don't know who's rolling the dice. I don't know what the chance cards might say. And, if I lose; I can't start the game over again. We've already been hit with the death card & I fear that one will be repeated over & over in the next several years. And work, hard work, is another card which will be replayed over & over. I'm terrified that I will end up being a handicap to the group, that physically I won't be able to take on my fair share of the work. MT certainly can't, but no one expects it of her. Cindy will be able to do some, but only within reason. I'm thankful we have several healthy young men & women. They'll have to bear the brunt of the physical burden for quite some time.

I may be short changing my ability to contribute though. Impossible to tell so early in the game. What I AM doing & will continue to do is increase my physical work daily, in reasonable increments. I've started walking the land as much as I can, even when it's snowing & blowing. The first few days were exhausting, but I'm starting to get useed to it. Anne keeps a close eye on me & has insisted that at least one day a week, I rest. My heart & all...

We've all begun to increase our physical exertion - practicing if you will for spring. That of course, means we're eating more but my, doesn't food taste wonderful when you've worked up an honest appetite? Anne is having to take it slow with her ankle, but has found a old set of small dumb bells & is working her upper body. We've been teasing her about turning into a 'body building babe', but she has the right idea. I'm trying to make sure everyone gets a good physical workout daily - not too hard on a farm, even in winter. The three boys carry wood in, ashes & chamber pots out & do a fair bit of light shovelling. The laundry is pretty hard, physically; at least for now & housework without modern appliances can give you quite a workout.

Drew & Annette continue to stay visibly healthy & we may soon be at the point where we can be convinced they won't fall ill. In my heart of hearts, I think they're okay - physically anyway. Drew reports Annette is still in a real funk. He's not giving her time to brood though. Right now, he's keeping her occupied mucking stalls & helping him fix the stalls. A couple of them were so old, they looked ready to splinter apart. Over the next few days, they'll build a few more rough box stalls for future use & will also make any other repairs needed in the barn. When they need a break from that, they harness the horses & "work" them in the yard - just reminding them of what work is like! Annette looks to be pretty competent with the harnesses now, although she needs to stand on a step stool to reach over the horses' backs!

Drew says she still isn't saying much, but at least she's sleeping now & eating more. We're still worried aboiut her. The little I can see of her eyes from the house windows, when she's out in the yard... well, there's no life there. She has a 'thousand yard stare' & I don't know what we can do to help that pass. The sad thing is, perhaps there's not a blessed thing we can do. It breaks my heart.

Sam & Max are bearing up well, although I KNOW they're terribly upset at not being able to comfort her in person, with lots of hugs & shared tears. Soon we hope, soon. They're terribly concerned with the fact that the once bubbly Annette isn't saying much according to Drew, but are somewhat relieved to know that she's eating & sleeping & LISTENING to Drew. He says he's never spoken so much in his life. He's talking, talking, talking... about farming, about horses... about anything he thinks will be useful to her & will distract her. He relates that he's treating her, verbally anyway; pretty much as an adult, sharing some of his own fears & concerns although she doesn't answer or seem to be reacting much. She IS listening though as he's noticed she later follows suggestions or advice he's given her when it comes to caring for the horses.

Eeryone has moved over to the farm now - it's easier to have everyone in the one place. It was almost anticlimatic after all the worrying, the fuss & planning. Drew harnessedd up the horses to the sleigh a few days after a snowfall & we brought over MT, the kids... everyone & as many personal possessions as we could. The men are putting in their exercise time by goiong back & forth from our house to the farm, beinging over crucial items in backpacks & on sleds. We have several large loads to bring over by horse drawn sleigh, including our food stocks & some of the cut firewood. Drew has a fair bit of wood ready to burn, but I'll feel better with ours over here too. I'll feel less like a taker.

Sam & Andy are spending their evenings reading up on ploughing, seeding, weeding & all that sorrt of thing. For a time, they & Drew will be our primary tillers of soil. We've decidedd that the children, with Noreens's supervision, will take care of the stock & yard chores. Cindy, Max & MT will see to meals & laundry & Anne will fill in as needed whereever she can. My role hasn't been defined to my satisfaction yet, but if anyone thinks I plan to spend my days supervising from a rocking chair on the porch, they have another think coming. I've discovered I have a knack for leather work & have been spending some of my evenings, cleaning up whatever old bits of harness the "boys" have dragged back from outbuildings. There's something soothing about cleaning & oiling up leather & trying to patch together more sets of harness. A few days ago, I tackled the job of tracing out onto larger 'sheets', if you will, of leather, parts of harness that look pretty fragile. I've started cutting & sewing them together & if I do say so myself, am doing a decent job. It will get easier with time. Anne gave me a good talking too when she caught me using awls & needles without wearing a leather worker's apron. Frankly, I hadn't thought about it, but she worries about any accidental cut or piercing becoming infectedd. The woman has a point & when the kids came in later, I "'fessed up" to my own idiocy. I told them I hadn't had any problems, but under the circumstances, we were all better off safe rather than sorry.

Anne has been doing a lot of reading about health concerns. We'll have to be very careful how we treat our water & how we put down food we harvest. That kind of accidental poisoning & farm accidents are her & our biggest fears. Farming is inherently dangerous, especially so in our case when we really don't have a clue what we're doing. We have powdered antibiotics & sterile water to mix them with, but those stocks won't last forever & we'd all prefer not to have to use them.

Anne is also reviewing labor & dedlivery procedures. Cindy is due within a few months & we all want that to go as smoothly as possible. We need reasons to celebrate & the birth of a child is truly a reason for joy.

I'd mentioned we've all been a bit broody lately. I expect it's a combination of things. Winter is not anyone's favorite time. It's too dark, cold & miserable for much fun. We all have spring on our minds & the work that will need doing then. We're suffering frfom cabin fever, from lack of light & warmth even though the days are beginning to get longer. We can't help but be in each other's faces more than we'd like & even though everyone is doing their best to be considerate of others, annoying habits take on a life of their own when you're stuck in the same company. I have a habit of tunelessly whisting through the gap in my front teeth when I'm thinking. I didn't know I did it that much though until Noreen rounded on me the other day & blurted out that if I HAD to whistle, could I not at least whistle something with a TUNE? After my initial shock, I had to laugh. She's right. I didn't laugh long though as most of us were in the kitchen & everyone was in a rotten mood to begin with. Before we knew it, we were all hurling accusations at each other about our "thoughtless" actions & annoying facial & verbal tics. Noreen drives me nuts the way she says: "Well, that's that!", every time she finishes some little chore. Sam grunts more than answers when you ask him a simple yes or no question. Cindy purses her lips as though she'd just swallowed a mouthful of vinegar. Greg wasn't happy with the way Andy ruffles his hair. Sammy is irked with how Noreen calls him Little One. Oh I could go on, but you get the idea. We finally stopped yelling & agreed that habits are habits. We'd try to break annoying ones, but if we couldn't, we couldn't. Within a month or so, we won't be in each other's way so much.

I'm surprised we have the energy to notice these things about each other. We've all been really busy, using work to stave off worry & fear of the unknown. The women have got it into their heads that next week is spring cleaning time - groan! -, so over the next few days, we men will do any physical repairs needed so the women can scrub & dust to their hearts' content. Did I say women? I've already been warned that anyone NOT actively busy with some chore will be drafted to scrub, rub or wipe. What was it my drill instructor used to tell us ragged recruits? "If it moveds, salute it, if it doesn't, clean it!" That soulds about what we're in for. All I know is that the women have been sitting at the table after supper, putting their heads together & talking through what they plan on doing. Periodically, they take off in groups, swooping through room after room, mentally moving furniture & other such items. That's always a great time to make myself scarce! Truly though, they have a point. The cows will soon start calving, one of the mares is due soon & the chickens will increase their laying as we get closer to spring. We'll be so busy with the stock, then the land itself that housework will be kept to a lick & a promise for most of the late spring & summer. Might as well tear the house apart & organize it sooner, rather than later. Everyone is putting together & (hopefully), prioritizing repairs & improvements they'd like to see in their sections of the house. I'd like to get at those repairs soon, just to be doing something that feels real. Cleaning & repairing harness still seems in the realm of the fantastic - couldn't REALLY be necessary, coluld it? Hard to explain what I'm trying to say, but that's the best I can do.

Well, it's getting late & although I have lots more to say, it will have to wait until tomorrow. I promised Anne I'd start tomorrow by repairing a few of the windows in our section of the house - lots of drafts getting through. No doubt her 'honey do' list is pages long & I have a feeling I'll need my rest tonight!

[CanadaSue]

Man! When Anne said she had a list of repairs, improvements & such for me to do, she wasn't kidding! I spent most of the day patching up woodwork in our "suite" of rooms, adding weather stripping to the windows & moving furniture around in order to check the condition of the floor boards underneath the rugs. Of course, as soon as we touched the rugs, huge puffs of dust came out & Anne settled for nothing less than me dragging the damned things outside & putting them over a stout clothes line. They'll stay out there for a few days, airing out & every time one of the kids gets too rambunctious, they'll be sent out to beat the dirt of the carpets. I expect the kids will run out steam well before the dirt is beaten out of the carpets!

In any case, I had no energy tonight to do any harness work & a change is as good as a rest. I know I'll sleep like a baby tonight. Of course, there were some floor boards which were loose, as well as a few Anne thought we'd best replace. I started by replacing those which were obviously rotting & most of the loose ones simply needed nailing down. That job did lead to a fascinating discovery however. One loose board near the outside wall of our bedroom turned out to be covering a small void space in the floor. Whilke I was knocking old nails out of the board, Anne grabbed a flashlight & had a look. To our surprise & delight, she found an old, metal strongbox with a rusty padlock securing the lid.

We immediately brought the box down to Noreen, but she has no idea what could possibly be in it. We called out to Drew & showed him the box from the yard, but he too is mystified. We've decided that once spring cleaning is done, we'll make ourselves a celebration dinner, then open the box. There's an old, small padlock on it, but I think I can knock it off fairly easily. You should see the kids! Everyone is wondering what on earth could be in that box & the kids have some fantastic ideas. Drew is trying to coax Annette into guessing what might be inside. He tells me she hasn't answered yet, but seems to be thinking about it.

Anyway, that was my day; dragging stuff around, hauling out carpets, weather stripping, sawing & hammering & even a bit of planing & sanding. Sam & Andy did pretty similar things, except they didn't find any surprises. I hear the boys upstairs, making interesting noises in their bedroom. I suspected they're tapping the walls & floors, hoping to run across a secret treasure of their own! I hope they find something. Just the thought of what might be in that little strong box has lit everyone up.

The women took down most of the curtains today & washed them. Thank God I was already busy! That kind of laundry isn't my idea of fun. Cindy sewed all day - those boys seem to wear holes in clothing faster than anything & MT re-organized the spices & herbs. We have all of Anne's now as well as Noreen's & MT had fun doing some packets for freezing, sachets for keeping drawers smelling fresh & even found some medicinal herbs in one of the back pantries.

I had the boys doing some school work today. For the most part, their math now consists of figuring out such things as: if a cow drinks 5 gallons of water a day, how much water will 133 cows need in a week? That and: 4 acres of kitchen garden will feed an adult for a winter, how many acres are needed for seven adults & three kids, who need half that acreage. Funny, they work better when it's something they know will be practical here. Even the younger two are enthusiastic about that type of math. Greg is reading aloud to the younger ones as well, some old childrens' books about farm life in the eighteen hundreds. All in all, everyone had a busy day we'll all sleep well.

Drew reports one of the mares is looking pretty close to coming on to her time & Annette is showing some spark of life since he mentioned that to her. A birth, even if it's "just" an animal, might go a ways to making up for a death for her. At least; we hope so. Time is passing & while it won't remove the memories from Annette's mind, we hope & pray that time will ease the pain for her & that life's events will overlay the horrid memories.

I think we have a storm coming. Just before supper, I was looking west & the upper atmosphere was filled with long 'streamers' of cloud; the kind which always indicate a bad storm. I can still see some stars out, but fewer & fewer & it's getting warmer. The night is dead calm, but I for one am restless & Anne swears the barometric pressure is dropping. She gets a certain type of headache when that happens & it's been years since I've known her to be wrong about a storm.

Before she went to bed, Maxine brought out several blankets & changes of clothes for Drew & Annette. If the storm is bad, they'll be miserable out there. They have a heater & we made sure they have lots of fuel for it. They need to at least be able to heat up hot chocolate & such. Drew thinks the mare may foal tonight, especially with a storm coming... isn't that always the way? I hope it goes smoothly. I doubt Annette can handle another disaster right now. Perhaps calling it a disaster is stretching it, but in her mind, I'm sure that's how it would seem.

I'm really beginning to look forward to spring, hard work or not. I'm tired of the cold & the snow. I'm fed up with trudging through drifts up to my waist. Even with all of us doing our best to keep paths clear, the wind fills them back in fairly quickly. I only hope we have a reasonably slow melt this spring. If it warms up too quickly, most of the snow will run off into the streams instead of soaking into the ground. Either way, I can just imagine the mud! I'll have to remind Anne & Noreen to try & find every pair of rubber boots we have. I don't think anyone considered bringing home a number of pairs from the feed store when they did the supply runs, but I'm sure Drew has a fair number of pairs. What farmer doesn't? As for the kids, we'll figure something out. Once it warms up, they can go barefoot. I see laundry in my future - a lot of laundry!

We've all spent time monitering the radio station, hoping for better news. I'm afraid it isn't getting better yet. Deaths are still numerous & people still falling ill, in spite of vaccines. Few vaccine clinics are able to operate anymore. They've run out of supplies & in some cases, out of people to give the injections & moniter reactions. Much of the country has had unusual weather this winter - El Nino again, I suppose. Even the south has had several hard freezes. That does not bode well for food supplies in the south. In the north & midwest, storms have made many roads impassible. expect by now, a great many people are literally starving to death.

The President has spoken to the nation or whatever parts of the nation can hear, several times over the past week or so. There's really not much he can or will; tell us. He reports illness rates are still running high, especially as people are leaving their homes in search of food, water & other necessities. They unevitably run into other people & obviously are encountering people who are infectious.

He's had to admit that currently, there's no effective government in operation. Anyone alive & well is doing what they can to mitigate the crisis, but really, not much can be done until spring arrives in most parts of the country. He's simply asking people to try & be patient & to act in a reasonable manner. He's encouraging communication - from a safe distance of course. Those who have CB or shortwave radios are being askedf to scan the channels in their range & to try & establish contact with others. Initially this is simply to re-establish communication within & between communities but later, he hopes to use these informal networks to try & patch the nation back together.

The longer this goes on, the more obvious it seems to me that communication, news & information has become crucial in today's world. Or should I say yesterday's world? Never have I felt so cut off from what is happening around me. Drew's farm doesn't overlook any other homes although even if it did, we know no one is left alive at those farms. Wether they've left & plan to return or have died; we don't know. It hardly matters really, does it? There ARE people other than the military & polie alive in town. Sheer statistics point to that, even if we had no evidence of any kind.

We do hear vehicles though, although I suspect those are military & we often smell wood smoke. Many in town still have working fireplaces or wood stoves, so have some way of keeping warm. I'd love to go to town and see for myself, but that's out of the question for now. There was an active ham operators club in town, mostly consisting of retired folks & I'm driving myself crazy trying to remember what frequencies they used. Andy has promised to spend several hours a day scanning channels & Sam will do the same with the CB. I'd feel so less alone if I could only HEAR one other voice in our comunity. We are social creatures...

With what appears to be a major storm coming, I expect we'll spend tomorrow doing some of the spring cleaning - at least those aspects of it which do not require opening windows! With much of our things already here, the women are anxious to get rooms properly cleaned out & everything organized & put away before too much more time passes. After that, they want to go over clothing again & make sure the kids have items which will more or less fit them as we get into the real work of farming. Sewing - yuck; glad we have women here who CAN sew. My skills end at replacing buttons & roughly hemming old pants.

I've already warned the boys that until we're into preparing the ground & planting, much of their time will be occupiedd with school work. For the forseeable future, the concept of a regular school year is out the window; the boys & Annette, will simply have to work when time permits. In any case, they'll still be doing a tremendous amount of learning as we begin farming. They'll learn "applied" geography, sharpen arithmetic skills & the reading they'll have to do to learn new skills will take care of reading lessons for now. I've told Greg he's 'in charge' of the chicken coop & part of his responsabilities will include keeping a log, a journal of the birds. I want daily egg counts & any other observations he feels; or we feel, are important.

Well, another long day is quickly passing & Anne's been adding to 'my' chore list. I'd best do the rounds & get off to bed. If it starts storming during the night, the wind will no doubt wake me, so I'd best get in some solid sleep hours now.

[Fast5]

Well there you are! We are all glad you are back and made it though ok. The withdrawls were starting to take a toll....

[CanadaSue]

Did I say I thought there was a storm coming last night? That may have been the understatement of the month. The snow started falling at about two in the morning, according to Andy & the wind kicked in at about four. It's hard to tell how much snow has fallen as the wind is currently blowing at about 30 miles an hour according to the radio station. They're estimating that we've had close to 3 feet; unbelievable for less than 24 hours & this may go on for some time.

Andy headed out to the barn this morning, to see how Annette & Drew were making out. We figured that was safe enough as they've shown no signs of illnesss since their exposure to that poor fellow. What is normally a three minute walk to that barn took Andy almost half an hour & that was within 7 hours of the first flakes of snow. The trouble is, the farm yard at that point has no wind breaks & the path had more than filled in. Thank God they men rigged those ropes to the outhouse, barns & front gate. Andy says he had no idea where he was - that for most of his struggles to to the barn, he could barely see his hand in front of his face.

The temperatures may be fairly warm, but with the wind, it's bitterly cold. Even the barn wasn't exactly cozy. Drew & Annette were fine, but Drew is getting concerned about staying out there. The kerosene heater/cooker they have produces nasty fumes & they both get headaches when they have it running. They're trying to use it as little as possible, but if this storm keeps up, I'm not sure what they're going to do. You can only fight cold like that for so long before it starts taking a real toll.

The adults in the farm house had quite a discussion after supper & we're of the mind that Drew & Annette should 'come home' - at least, move into the so called 'sick room'. We have it cleaned up, the stove is installed & early tomorrow morning, I'm going to start a fire in there, to take the chill off that room. I'd be going mad if I had to still be in that wretched barn & I applaud their patience, especially Drew. Anyhow, tomorrow morning, Anne is going into the barn & giving them both a professional looking over. She's convinced they're past the danger point & if what she sees confirms that, she'll move them into that back room. A few more days there & they can rejoin the rest of us. We HAVE missed them & we so want to hug Annette & hold her close.

We figure we'll be done "spring cleaning" in another 2 - 3 days & that being the case, we'll take a day to rest ourselves a prepare a welcome home feast for our 'isolees'. We thought we'd bring them in, let them get a good, hot bath & a proper rest, then celebrate their good health & our continued good fortune. We'll eat early, then open the strong box Anne found. I've asked everyone to write down - for this journal - their thoughts on what might be in that box. That will be a fun task for everyone & certainly will serve as a distraction.

Radio reception has been iffy, what with the storm howling, but we have been able to get some news. Locally, it appears as though the smallpox situation is stabilizing. The case rates haven't changed in a week or so. Everyone's best guess is that something like 3,000 people will survive. That's dreadful, it truly is. I can't help but wonder who these people are? What of my neighbors, friends & workmates? How about the young lad who served me my morning coffee at the coffee shop on my way to work? What about Eric Hansen? He had such a brilliant future ahead of him as a journalist; I know he did. No... too depressing to think about today. But the fact that 'hard' numbers are already being given; a long time before we can expect this epidemic to end is upsetting - to put it mildly. Three thousand people... out of a regional population of over 30,000.

There's more to this than meets the eye - has to be. "Classical" smallpox had a death rate of roughly 30%. Even accounting for a fairly high percentage of elderly, many who were HIV positive & other conditions, that's a death rate of 90% or close enough to it for government work. Now if that percentage holds nation wide, we'll be reduced to a population of 27 or so million. Then... what about deaths from other causes? Those small children & babies left alone; who don't have the same good fortune young Timmy did in finding us? How about the infirm & the really old, who can't see to themselves terribly well at the best of times? Then, as Anne worries about, we have such things as food poisoning, bad water, other illnesses... we could see our population reduced, nation wide; to roughly 20 million or so. That may sound like a lot but boy, divided across the expanse of the country, that leaves humanity stretched pretty thin. But as I was trying to say, before I distracted myself, a 90% fatality rate implies that the weaponized strain is the dominant strain. What I'd pay anything to know is... how much protection does the vaccine provide? If the answer is 'none', we may have gone to all this trouble for nothing.

I can't begin to think of what kinds of people will be left. Will we have lost too many with essential skills? Anyone can learn to teach small children the basics, almost anyone can learn to cook & garden, even to care for small livestock. But what about when it comes time for things such as repairing power plants, transmission lines for power, water & sewage plants? Depending on how the survivors are distributed, much of the country could remain in rough shape for years.

You know, in the 'old days', when times were hard or the nation was in need, it was almost automatic that growing kids left school early & went to work to put food on the family table. When young men went to war, older boys & some girls left school & replaced them at civilian jobs. But the nature of the world then meant that other than specific work skills, young folk aged 12 or over, pretty much had the living skills they needed. Most could cook, clean, do yard work & small repairs around the home. They understood the value of money. They respected their elders. They knew what a day's work was. Now... it's so different. Few of the kids I know, including those I taught, ever did such a thing as regular chores. Money comes from ATMs or a parent's wallet. Part time work or minimum work is scorned. A good job with a decent wage takes a lot more schooling than it ever did. What if all or most of our "rocket scientists" are lost? Who then will do the specializeed work or teach the follow on generations So much we may have to relearn...

All that technology, at least the infrastructure for it remains, but will we have the skill base? If my fears are even half true, we are entering a period of decline in terms of modern technology & conveniences. Sure, we can probably cobble together telecommunication systems, but so much of the switching is now computer driven - do we have the hardware & software skills left among the survivors? Over the next decade or so, will we find that a generalized set of skills will once again become more valuable than highly specialized knowledge? I could make valid arguments for both - maybe some time later when I have more free time but I don't & in case, I still have some thinking left to do on that subject.

Anyway, I'm drifting again - a bad habit of mine lately. I WAS talking about what little news we've been able to obtain. In the state, especially the cities, things are not looking good. There's very little food left for anyone to beg, borrow or steal; never mind buy. The rest of the nation is in just as dismal a shape, although the nature of their problems vary. The big cities, at least as far as we knew them; are "lost". That is to say; conditions are extremely bad. No food left, very little potable water, little or no medical supplies & what is left of the hospitals resemble war zones. Parts of New York, Dallas, Miami, LA & other mega - cities have openly been abandoned by any law enforcement or military personnel. Conditions are simply too hazardous for them to operate in safely & the President told the nation that he'd rather keep what law enforcement & military the nation has left ready for beginning the task of rebuilding the nation later this spring.

He told us priorities include making sure major transport routes are opened or re-opened. Food production has to resume as quickly as possible. El Nino is fading & the Cabinet hopes that California & states nearby can be planted in crops as quickly as possible. Essentially & pretty much by decree, crop lands not currently being occupied have been nationalized... or will be. Sam, Andy & I have talked about this - we figure our best bet, as soon as we can easily make our way along the fence lines, is to post the land with signs stating it's still very much being worked. I wonder though; currently we're sitting on more farm land than we can operate. I expect the feds, the state or local authorities will try to "borrow" much of the tillable land in order to feed those who are left.

I'm of a mixed mind about this, as are my sons & no doubt, Drew. I can understand the urgency, the need to grow food to feed those still left. But... and it's a big but, when do we get it back? How long does it stay "nationalized". The local reporters, a few days after that speech from the President reported that various land owners & farmers across the country have stated that they have no intention of letting any government agency grab ANY part of their land for any reason. I see their point of view; I do. I also understand the need to start rebuilding our ability to feed the nation. The land is there; the question is are the people with the skills? If say... we were able to plant & harest all the land we have here, we'd be sitting pretty come fall, assuming we were some of the few with the ability. Imagine what sorts of prices we could ask for our crops?

On the other hand, we'd be sitting ducks for organized gangs of thieves, small raids & government "attention", wouldn't we? And for that matter, how do we determine the value of what we'd have to sell? What's an ear of corn worth - an egg? We don't need those. But I'm just trying to give examples. These are all issues that will have to be worked out over time, slowly, painfully & no doubt; with loads of mistakes along the way.

My inclination is for the group here to simply hunker down & "ride it out", whatever it is we have to ride out over the short, medium & long term. But is that not cowardice of a sort? By keeping to ourselves entirely, do we not rob the remainder of our community of our skills, our thoughts & knowledge? And surely these things have an intrinsic value of their own. Oh I see a lot of tough decisions & heart aches in our futures.

I think the President has it right. Rebuilding will have to begin on a small scale. First, individuals & families will have to sort themselves out & get their respective acts together. Then, they can begin to look outwards, to reach out to other individuals & groups & begin to... to talk? I guess that would have to be the first step. Funny, already I feel so paranoid; so concerned about what other people might want from us. More importqantly; will they be willing to trade & buy or will they be content to simply try & take what it is they need or want?

See, this is where lack of real communication is really frustrating. I can only really know how I feel & to some extent, how others here at Drew's feel. Am I safe in assuming others share my concerns & worries? That may be a grave mistake - that kind of assumption. But unless & until I can begin to speak with others nearby who've survived, I have nothing to go by. I'm a middle aged, not terribly healthy man, born & raised in the middle of nowhere & with a fairly conservative outlook. I may or may nhot be representative of other survivors.

Andy & Sam both tell me they think they'e heard others out there but until the storm ends, reception is too bad to be certain of that. Even the hope that they DID hear something is a morale boost. Andy thinks he can do something on the roof to boost our ability to both transmit & recieve shortwave & CB signals. That would be a blessing. My only fear is that somehow, the law enforcement types, the military might WANT something & use our signals to figure out where we are, then come calling. Maybe I'm being too paranoid. But how the heck can I be sure, of that or anything?

If the military wants something from us, surely they already know where we are. While we've been dicrete in our movements, have stayed close to home most of the time, they have to know we're here. There haven't been any vehicles near for days now, but they can hardly have missed the obvious signs of our presence. The wood smoke, piles of fresh cow manure, even the smell from the outhouse. Then of course, we have been shovelling to keep paths clear. We've had the horses out & even though the storm has filled in most of the path from our home to Drew's, traces surely remain.

I mentioned smells. I'm only now really getting around to noting the changes around us. The air smells fresher now; we can't yet smell death & there's little or no traffic to produce gasoline fumes. Nor is there much industrial activity producing noxious odors. The sky is clearer, especially at night. It's strange to no longer see contrails in the sky & at night, save for the rapid blur of sattellites passing, there is no light. I'd forgotten how many stars are visible to the naked eye when there's little ambient lighting. But look in any direection, be it towards the town or away from it & you remember how BLACK night really is. There's only one small spot of light to be seen towards town & I suspect that's what's left of the military encampment in the park downtown.

There are so few sounds anymore that we really hear those that are produced. I had stopped noticing the passing highway traffic & had forgotten how it deadens other, more natural noises. Now, I swear I can hear the cattle breathe at night & the woods seem full of noise; branches popping in the cold, twigs snapping as deer break them, even the soft sigh of sifting snow as it settles after a fall. Odd though; it must be a combination of the unexpected silence & my newfound paranoia, but when I do walk outside, I sound no LOUD to my own ears. It makes me wonder how anyone or anything ever manages to sneak up on anything or anyone else. Maybe that's a good thing. If I sound this loud to myself, anything or anyone trying to sneak up on us will be positively deafening.

Ah! Getting late again & I'm very tired. Anne has promised that I only have another long day or repairs & cleaning ahead, then a last day of minor items to take care of. Has the woman forgotten that once this storm breaks, there will be miles of paths to shovel? Sam was out to the barn just before going to bed - didn't go in, just came as far as the barn door to make sure they were doing okay & to bring them some stew & hot chocolate. When he came in, he told me that for most of its length, the rope marking the path to the barn was buried in snow. He spent more time digging it out to make sure he had it in hand & was sure of his way, then he did actually struggling through snow himself. He thinks part of the yard has been windswept bare, but in spots, he says the snow is drifted up over ten feet. Man! If this is followed by the usual cold snap we're wont to get after serious snow, clearing aweay is going to be a miserable job. We're kind of running out of places to put snow.

Well, off to bed. Everyone else save Andy has been out for the count for a few hours & tomorrow will no doubt be another crazy, work filled day.

[CanadaSue]

Greg is writing this for me, 'cause I can't write good yet. Grampie Tom asked me & Sammy & Greg & everybody to guess what's in that Magic Box. Well, he didn't exactly call it a magic box but I KNOW it is 'cause Grammie Anne found it where nothing was supposed to be. That's magic; my mommie used to say that when she found stuff where she didn't think it was at. But Grammie Anne founded it there, so it has to be magic. I know what's in it too, I betcha! I think God put it there so mommie & daddie could write me a letter because they're gone to heaven now. I don't think they wanted to go. Daddie wanted to teach me how to throw a football; not a real one but one that's kind of small so it would fit in my hands and he was going to do that this summer and now he can't. Maybe he wroted me a letter telling me how to throw one. I could play with Greg and Uncle Andy. Mommie probably wantedd to tell me if I had a baby brother or sister in heaven cause she said I was going to have one real soon like maybe this summer. And I was going to real school next uear so maybe she wanted to teach me how to read. She can probly do that in a letter I think. Anyway, that's what I think is in the box. A special letter for me.

(This is Greg. I wrote this cause Timmy dosn't know how to write real good yet.)

[CanadaSue]

It was quite a surprise when Anne & Tom rushed down with that streongbox. I can't for the life of me figure out what Drew's dad or grand dad - hard to tell who put it there, might have placed inside of it. I never knew either of them to be much of a writer & we have their 'official' papers; birth, wedding & death certificates & other such things. We have the deeds to the land & the family bible. Perhaps it was Drew's mother or grandmom. I know his grandmom kept a diary & perhaps she placed a special one inside the box. Or, could it be love letters from Drew's grand dad? Heaven only knows, but that's my best guess.

There... Tomn asked us to guess & put it in writing. I've done the best I could, so that's that.

Noreen...

[CanadaSue]

MT here again. It's been a while since I've put pen to paper & contributed to Tom's journal. I really am too busy lately, but this is rather special. Finding such a prize makes me feel like a child on an old fashioned treasure hunt. I almost don't want the box opened - silly of me isn't it? But I suspect what's inside will turn out to be far more prosaic than anyone is willing to consider.

I expect it will be a special bil of sale, perhaps for a prize bull or something which at the time, seemed most important. Perhaps it was loan papers, a mortgage, or a bill of sale for a First Tractor.

Now, if I let my imagination run riot, I'd venture that it's old love letters from Drew's parents to each other or even letters between his grandparents. I doubt it's older than that. I don't want to sound snobby or anything, but generations ago, few farmers, few descendents of slaves could read, never mind write. However, maybe that's exactly what's in there.

I guess we'll see in a few days. And let me add here, I'm looking forward to Drew & Annette returning to us.

[CanadaSue]

Hi everybody, this is Greg. Gramps asked me & everybody to guess what's in the box. I think it's treasure. Gold coins & maybe even other neat stuff like that. If it is, I wonder if Uncle Drew & Aunt Noreen will give everybody something? That would be sweet! Anyway, that's what I think is in that old box.

I feel bad, but I had to tell Gramps what Timmy asked me to write. He's still really, really small & if he doesn't get a letter frfom his mom and dad, I KNOW he's gonna cry all night. I told Gramps I'd write a letter for him, but Gramps said that was okay. I guess he's gonna do it. I don't know why, but Gramps was crying after I told him. He told me he just had dust in his eye, but he wasn't foling me. I think he's gonna write a real nise letter for Timmy.

I would.

[CanadaSue]

Hi people this is Sammy. I think the box has a magik ring to make things like they were before Santa Clas came.

[CanadaSue]

Sam here; don't really have time for this, but it seems important to Dad. I don't have a clue what's in that box. I'll admit, it's at least got me thinking, some of the time; about what might be. I don't know, but I'll list the few things I'd find interesting: old bills of sale giving prices, private diaries dealing with the problems a man of color might have had settling here, clippings from newspapers about historic events... anything like that would be interesting to see.

Whatever it is, the best part about opening that box is that it will mean my little girl is with us again. God help her, please, to be herself again... if she can be. I know she's smart & strong & I hope with all our help, she'll get through this.

[CanadaSue]

The kids are doing some reading & supper is underway - time to add my contribution to the Big Question... 'What's In The Box'? I'm almost too nervous to speculate & I like it right where it ias right now - on the wooden shelf in the kitchen above the old stone sink. I find myself staring at it frequently, wondering when it was placed under that floorboard, what was so important it had to be hidden away. I wonder if whoever put it there could have had any idea what that little piece of metal would come to represent, so many years later.

To me it's not so crucial what's in there as what it represents to us right now. It's hope. It's the future. It's an unknown that isn't a source of fear & worry. It's a tangible sign that not all is negative, not all is lost to us. It's a link between possibly hard times in the past & the times we're experiencing now. It's the ideal of what those who came before hoped would happen here, today. It's laughter, it's tears. It's hard work & sweat. It's babies being born, the old & sick dying, it's the continuation of the land & what it brings forth. It's a time capsule not so much of THINGS, but of ideas & hopes.

[CanadaSue]

A little late in the game to be writing in Dad's journal, but later is better than never, I suppose.

Personally, and this is going to sound silly; I'd love to see letters to the future - sort of what Dad started with this journal. Surely others from past times had that much foresight. Almost anything in there would be of some value, even if only as a morale booster. We have a few good weeks of hard weather left, hard winter weather anyway. Spring here can be just as nasty as winter any day. With the massive amounts of work we have coming up, opening that little thing, the anticipation of opening it, will keep us revvedd up for a few days & anything we find in it will keep us thinking & talking for weeks.

Not that any of us need much to think about - I've never done so much damned thinking with so few answers in my life. But this is fun stuff, compared to the thoughts crossing my mind most of the time these days.

In any case, whatever's in there, I hope there's 'something for everybody'; if that makes sense...

[CanadaSue]

I don't quite feel right adding to this, not really being family. I'm Louise, Jake's wife & Tom's family's neighbor. I don't know what's in the lock box. Call me romantic, but I'd love to see old love letters. And old photos would be special to see.

In my heart, I'd love to be sitting at the table after supper, oohing and ahhing over the contents of the box, then have Jake walk in the door. That would REALLY be something, wouldn't it.

I'd have a chance to tell him what I've told no one yet. We're going to have a baby.

Please God, bring Jake home to me. I miss him so much.

[CanadaSue]

I don't know what made me lift up that board & have a look in that space. On quick inspection, it looked no different from the other small spaces where Tom had removed old boards to replace them. Call it a hunch, call it happen stance; something told me to have a good look. Tom tells me my jaw dropped when I saw, then pulled the box closer. I'll admit, my heart was racing. Finding treasure may be a universal human wish & mine was sure fulfilled, no matter what we find in there.

I'm going to guess that whatever we find is of no great significance to anyone but Drew & perhaps Noreen. Noreen hasn't a clue; she can't remember anyone speaking of anything which may have been hidden anywhere on the property for any reason.

Whatever it turns out to be, it's exciting to think about it.

[CanadaSue]

Well the snow has finally stopped falling, although it's still an angry looking sky out there & the wind continues to howl. When it does die down, an utterly fantastic landscape of sculptures in white is revealed. I stood on the front porch for a time this morning - thankfully it's in the lea of the wind; & simply looked around as best I could.

We can no longer make out the gate or even the road beyond it. A huge drift of snow, must be about 12 - 14 feet high is blocking the path & the view. Yet not 50 yards to the right, near the fence line for the kitchen garden, the earth is scoured down to an inch or so of packed snow & ice. It's seems so random, huge drifts punctuated by spots where there's little or no snow. Large sections of the fence appear to be buried & the east side of the horse barn has snow up to the roof line. It's unbelievably beautiful in a way, but is going to be nasty work to clear away.

When I look along where I KNOW the road is, the only way I can tell a road is supposed to be there is because of the power poles which are still standing. With the weather we've had this winter, many have come down & others are leaning drunkenly in different directions. Imagine - only a few months without maintenance & so much is falling apart. Around here, spring always seems to increase those sorts of problems. I expect with snow melting, the ground softening up means anything standing tall is more liable to lean or fall over, especially if the wind is gusting. And this year, there a lot of it will lie. Within 50 - 60 yards of Drew's front gate, several power poles are down or about to go down. I was thinking; there may be a way to use those to block the road if need be. Perhaps we can figure out a way to use them as moveable barriers, especially with the horses to help us. It won't prevent anyone who really has the capability to move on the roads from getting in, but it would sure slow them down & give us some warning. Drew's place has excellent sight lines & that makes me feel a bit more secure.

Across the road lies nothing but snow swept fields. Drew has several hundred acres on that side, neatly bisected by a draw which fills with water in good rain years. I know the section to the east he has fenced off for summer pasture, as the access to water there is good for the cattle, especially cows with calves at foot. Drew has told me he gets good crops as a rule from the rest of that field. It's good soil, well drained & with the stream running through most of the summer, except in bad years, drought is rarely a problem on that part of his land.

To the left, off towards the large stretch of woods is... nothing but snow. The way the wind has been blowing, the fields leading to that wood look like a seascape, frozen in time. There are large, curling waves, some with large overhangs that surely will fall within a few hours. They're so precariously balanced. To the right, leading towards town, the wind is still swirling & there's little to be seen but veils of white. I expect that's as snow covered as anything else.

We can barely get around the east side eof the farm house & later we'll have to clear the snow away from the windows. Even a few of the second story windows have been covered with snow. I'm hoping most of it will shift & settle. If not, we have quite the job ahead of us. The west side is scraped clear, so no worries there. The back of the house, the areas we need to get to the most are a mixed bag. Andy & Sam have been up most of the night, simply trying to keep the path to the outhouse clear. They haven't had much luck, so we finally gave up until the snow stopped & rounded up every old pail & such we could to act as "temporary" chamber pots!

Up on the second floor, looking out the back, it's hard to tell we're living on settled land. Everything is blanketed in great mounds of white. With the binoculars, I can make out the front edge of both stretches of woods & although I can only see a bit past the initial tree line, it doesn't look too promising for whatever deer may be in there. I hope they were well yarded up, because as high as they can leap, surely the snow has them stuck fast wherever they may be standing. It almost makes me wish we had some way of dragging out a hay roll or two, to tide them over. I expect Drew would chuckle at that notion. Deer have been surviving winters here longer than we have; that's a fact.

If there's an advantage to this storm it's that if anything, it buys us time from being disturbed by others. I expect it's also keeping everyone where ever they may be staying right now. That bodes ill for those out of water or food, unable to keep warm, but it will also serve to slow the spread of smallpox & perhaps even bring it to a halt here - if only temporarily.

We haven't been able to get radio reception since last night. Andy fears the transmission tower in town may be damaged or broken. I surely hope he's wrong, but it wouldn't surprise me. There's been nothing on the radio frequencies either, be it shortwave or CB & I'm loathe to waste too much battery power on what may be a futile search for now. We have too much too keep us busy in any case, right now.

In spite of the storm which has brought the kind of weather which keeps you snuggled in your beds as long as possible, we've had a busy night. The wind woke me early, as I feared it would. Andy was restless & Sam got up around three or so, telling us that if he was going to spend the night having bad dreams, he'd just as soon be up. I kept the stove going & coffee & hot chocolate going while the men brought in more wood & tried to keep the path to the barn & out house clear. Sam was determined to get to the barn, to see how they were making out. Sure, they have a walkie talkie, but a good old fashioned look see can't be beaten.

The men will spend the afternoon clearing the path to the barn as best they can so that Anne can get out there & have a look at Drew & Annette for herself. We're convinced by now that they're safe from smallpox & we want them home. Even if they 'boys' clear the path, they'll be out a while though. As Drew predicted, the storm brought one of the mares to her time. Annette's been up all night, just watching the poor thing try to get comfortable. She's been restless, (the mare), & snapping at her flanks for hours & Drew thinks she'll be getting down & getting to work any time now.

Annette is dozing, but Drew promised her he'd wake her as soon as the mare looked like she was in active birth - is that a term? Equine delivery is something I know nothing about. Drew says Annette has everything "under contrrol". She's got some old cloth with which to help wipe down the foal, some bales of clean hay to cut open & spread out once the birth is done & some mash ready to mix up & heat for the mare. Drew has some medications ready, both for the mare & foal should there be any problems & I think, some vaccines or immune factors or something. I don't have a clue & am not sure I want to know. Labor & delivery, even after three kids & numerous pets, still makes me feel queasy!

Funny enough, that will not be the first birth on the farm since the crisis. About two hours ago, the barn cat gave birth to two kittens! No one had a cluie she was pregnant. She's a huge, black fuzzball & only allows Drew & Annette near her. Neither of them had any reason to suspect she was in the family way, seeing as she's always had a well fed appearance. I suppose Drew put down any apparent weight gain to the cat getting lucky with rodents. In any case, we have two tiny, squeaking kittens in the barn & we hope they're male. The last thing we need is a feline population explosion! They will come in handy, helping control vermin & who knows, one or more - if they survive, may be useful trade items.

My problem - our problem - will be convincing the children that in this new world, cats are NOT pets, but working animals. I've yet to tell the kids & I'm surprised they haven't noticed, but Drew's dog disappeared two days ago. With the storm, we fear the poor thing may be dead. If the weather didn't get her, it's possible she was shot, hurt or... who knows? Noreen says she's been known to wander before, but never for more than half a day or so. I hope she's lying up somewhere, out of the weather & just waiting for the wind to abate.

In any case, the wind is still whipping up wildly & I pray it eases soon. I'm getting a bit restless, wanting to get out there & start the process of snow removal. Well okay, I'm lying, I suppose. Snow shovelling is not fun when you're dealing with this much snow & so many long paths. We'll put the boys to work clearing the front & back porches - again & if they have any energy left, they can sweep some of the snow away from the wood piles. If it warms up, the resulting ice will make it impossible to pry loose wood, not to mention wet it down. I'm sick of smelling wood smoke by this point - those chimneys really need to be reamed out again.

The men will shovel & Maxine said she needs fresh air, so she will as well. Louise is already out there, clearing snow away from the out house door & she'll shovel as well. She's good troops. I've yet to hear any real complains from her & I know she's missing Jake badly. Not a word from him since he reported for duty right after the emergency started. It must really be preying on her mind lately; she's been quiet, very quiet & seems pale & tired. Perhaps it's simply lack of sunlight. We'll all be glad when the temperatures moderate, the snow begins to melt & we see the sun more. Yes, the days are getting longer & sometimes, it's almost warm, but I am so SICK of winter. It's hard on the kids too, especially with snow this deep. They almost get lost in the yard & we're not easy with letting them out unattended. Greg is almost eight, but he's a short kid & I swear if he falls into a drift, we may not find him until May!

Just had a situation report from the barn. Drew days the mare has finally gone down, that is... lain on her side & is laboring hard. Annette is awake & glued to the mare's head. I hope it goes well. We haven't told the boys. They'd want to be out there & this is Annette's special time; we all agreed on that. We'll wait until it's all done, hopefully with good results; then tell the boys we have a new foal.

I'm hoping a birth will be another reason to celebrate. We've been short of those lately or at least, not thinking of any. Anne reminded me this morning that Andy's birthday is coming up in four days! I was shocked - how could I, his father for God's sakes, forget THAT? He's turning 25. Makes me feel old. Now, I have four days to try & figure out what we can give him, what under the circumstances, will have meaning. I'm clueless right now & I'm also trying to figure out how to tell the kids without them telling Andy or somehow giving him a hint. I think Andy has forgotten himself!

Maxine is going to make his favorite meal for his birthday supper - or at least as much of it as she can manage under the circumstances. Now if I remember right, that includes inch thick steaks, MT's best gravy recipe, boiled then fried butter beans, (yech!), peas barely cooked & carrot cake with cream cheese icing. Noreen says she has frozen cream cheese squirreled away, so this is all doable. Frankly, a nice steak sounds like a GOOD supper to me! These days, any meal is to be looked forward to & we're all eating more. Even at that, I'm losing weight. I was changing this morning & glanced down at where my toes used to be. To my surprise, they're back! Hello, old friends. That more than makes up for the increasing grey in my hair.

It's hard to see what everyone looks like considering we're wearing many layers of clothes, but it strikes me that most have lost some weight or inches anyway. I haven't seen Sam look this fit in several years. Maxine has stopped bitching about her "mega - butt" & even Anne no longer refers to herself as Thunderthighs. Cindy of course is putting on weight now, but there will be lots more for her in the next few months. If memory serves me right, she'll be due in July sometime; must check with Anne. Hopefully, her delivery will come between harvests of whatever happens to be due to be picked, cleaned & done down.

Andy has hardly changed in size, but at his age, I wouldn't expect him to. He looks older though, older & more thoughtful. I hope I'm wrong, but I would have sworn I spotted some grey in his hair last night. MT appears to have put on a few pounds, something which delights Anne. I don't recommend a plague as a "cure" for cancer, but it has at least given her a new focus for her life. She's a very valued member of our family right now; we couldn't begin to place a value on her knowledge & skills & we make sure we tell her that frequently. Louise, skinny stick that she always was, still looks skinny. I said earlier she looks tired. Perhaps she's working a bit too hard. I'm not aware of any medical problems she had or has & if she continues to look this run down, I'll ask Anne to have a discrete word. It may be some sort of female complaint. Don't want to know; call me old fashioned that way.

Another call from the barn. Annette has been reading too many old novels or something. She's asked if we could boil up lots of hot water. Not sure why she thinks the mare would need that & can't imagine how she thinks we could keep it warm & get it out to the barn with all that snow! I'll let Drew sort her out on that one. The mare is close now; Drew figures within an hour she'll be a momma & probably not for the first time. He reports she's in pain, but fairly calm. Annette is right by her head, crooning nonsense words to her & anxiously awaiting the birth.

Ah Cindy just announced that lunch is ready. I smell venison stew, hot bread & I think, poached pears - a wonderful meal for people who'll be shovelling, clearing snow & working hard all afternoon., Doubt I'll be sneaking away for a nap today! There's too much work ahead & Anne still waves her "honey do" list at me when I sit down.

[CanadaSue]

I was surprised to see Dad come to the barn earlier; I didn't think I'd have to really see anybody until Gram came by later. Actually, I'd hoped they wouldn't be able to clear the path until tomorrow. I really don't want to see anybody or have to talk to anybody. It's bad enough to have to listen to Uncle Drew. I know he thinks he's doing me a favor; he's trying to help me I guess, but what is he supposed to be able to do? Unshoot that poor guy? No matter what Uncle Drew or anybody says; that man is dead. That's like, dead forever and it's MY doing.

I'm supposed to feel better not that the mare is having her foal. Well okay, it's something else to think about, but sitting here in this stupid barn, watching & waiting isn't doing much to help me get the whole thing out of my mind. I hate to sleep. I keep dreaming. I dream that I shoot and miss. I shoot his face off. He shoots me... all kinds of things. None of them are good. Last night, I dreamed I had to go to his house & tell his wife and three little kids that he was dead and that I shot him. They hated me; they did.

Uncle Drew is napping now, so I have time to write. The mare isn't quite ready yet & even the cat is asleep. She doesn't need me to help her with the kittens. They're not even cute right now. They look like little rats, squeaking & fussing. God! They make like, soooo much noise for such teeny things. We had to ask them up at the house for more food; little pieces of meat & stuff for the mother cat. She had a name, but I can't remember what it is. It's like I can't remember anything right now except that awful night. I don't know what was worse; killing him or having to help bury him.

I'm so glad Uncle Drew isn't going to get sick. I wish I would though; it would serve me right. I think I'm going to tell Mom & Dad I'm going to stay in the sick room for a while anyway... just in case or something. Maybe if they think I'm getting sick or gonna get sick, they'll leave me alone for a while. If I'm really lucky, they'll leave me alone until it's time to start helping the cows have their calves, do the ploughing or something. I've got to find a way to make up for this trouble I've caused. I've been asking God all the time what I can do, but He's not answering me yet. I guess he's pretty busy right now - all those new people coming up to heaven every day, every hour. Maybe He'll find a second to send me a dream or something.

Oops, Uncle Drew looks like he's about to wake up. I'd better hide this fast...