[FICTION]Tom & family go for their vaccines...

[CanadaSue]

I should be in bed; I'm exhausted, but Anne has made it clear that I'm to sleep in tomorrow, to take it easy, so I'll catch up here before calling it a night.

First: snow removal. We'll be at that for days but we do have the outhouse path clear as well as most of the path to the horse barn. I wonder why we bother - the wind just fills in the pathways it seems, as quickly as we can clear them. Thank God we're into March. From here on in, I hope we get more melt than snowfall. The boys managed to clear most of the snow from the wood piles & we covered them with some old tarps. If it snows again, we can hopefully simply drag off the tarps, let the snow fall off those, then re-cover the wood with the tarps. Talk about old; they're canvas for heavens sakes!

Sam & Andy, Maxine, myself & Anne shovelled... and shovelled & shovelled. What we wouldn't have done for gas for Drew's snowblower. Paths seem to triple in length & the amount of snow which has fallen, double, when you're stuck on the working end of a shovel. Shortly before supper, we decided to pack it in for the day; the paths are clean enough to at least get to where we have to go without too many problems. Anne headed off to the barn partway through the afternoon, before she lost what daylight we had & the men headedd for the cattle barn to make sure the stock had food, water & were alright. The cattle are fine, but we need to spend a few days shovelling it out. I can't believe how fast the manure piles up.

Anne came back satisfied with Drew & Annette's health, physically anyway. Drew couldn't get back to the house fast enough, but Annette was another matter. Anne came back & spent some time speaking with Sam & Maxine. The upshot of it is, Annette is still very upset about the shooting - understandable, but she doesn't want to come 'home' yet. Anne suspects she doesn't know how to deal with it, what to say or do when it comes to the rest of the family. Annette wants to stay by herself in the prepared sick room, but Sam & Max are having none of that. Neither are the rest of us. We all agree with Anne; what that child needs is normalcy. She can't hide out & if she finds it awkward to be back among us; well it won't get any less awkward if she avoids us.

Sam went out to speak with her & they struck a deal. She can spend ONE night in the sickroom; we'll bring an old tin tub up there & water for her to heat for a bath. Max will bring her her supper & clean clothes & we'll leave her in peace until just before lunch tomorrow. But then, she must rejoin us. We've spoken to the boys & explained, as best we could;how Annette feels. The boys have sworn not to bring up the shooting; to leave that up to Annete. Inasmuch as they can, they'll act normally towards her. The women have put their heads together & have come up with a list of chores for both Annette & the boys. Keeping busy may ease the awkwardness for all of them.

Sad, it really is & don't we all wish we could turn back the clock & undo what's been done? But we can't; we can only cope as best we can & try to move on. I doubt this will be the last piece of awkwardness, of nastiness, we have to deal with. It's simply unfortunate it had to happen to one of the children. We are entering, or about to enter, a very busy time however & it's to be hoped work will take care of some of the stress we're all, especially Annette;feeling.

The foal was born just before our afternoon hot chocolate break & what a little darling! It's a little colt, black; with a white snip on it's head & one tiny white patch just over its tail. Annette is absolutely entranced & we promised the boys we'd bring them to see mom & baby tomorrow after their morning chores are done. Everything went perfectly smoothly & we all feel cheerier for the event. Something to celebrate! Drew recommends we leave mom & baby basically alone for a few days, other than mucking out the stall, feeding & watering the mare & making sure they have no problems. After that, it won't hurt to spend time in the barn. The foal will get used to people being part of its daily routine & Drew says he'll put a halter on it as quickly as possible.

Drew tells me we can start expecting calves within a month. He likes to breed his cows so that brith coincides with the start of warmer weather. That way, he can get the stock out as quickly as possible which he says, is healthier for both cows & calves. Whatever - he's the farmer! Shortly after that, it will be time for us to begin preparing the land for seeding.

Drew & Noreen, (MT's idea), were given their supper in their room & everyone is under strict instructions to leave them be as much as possible over the next few days. They've both gone through agonies of worry & have missed each other desperately. They need time together; especially before we all get very busy. Drew has promised the boys that as soon as it warms up, he'll take them out to tap some sugar maples & as the sap comes in, they'll boil it down for maple syrup. That will be a new experience for all of us.

Tomorrow as I mentioned, is more or less a rest day for all of us. We cleaned out the chamber pots, so if the outhouse path decides to fill in again, so be it. We can manage to get to the barns as needed & we're all desperately tired. I'd love a hot bath, but no one has the energy left to haul water, heat it, fill & empty the tubs! Tomorrow, maybe. The day after, we'll try & finish spring cleaning, then the following day, everybody gets cleaned up & we'll celebrate Andy's birthday & the fact that Drew & Annette are safe & well.

I'm turning my mind lately to finding reasons to celebrate. Funny, most of the old national holidays suddenly seem meaningless. I think we'd be best off celebrating events which are personally meaningful to the family; the group. Births & birthdays seem a good start. The end of winter, harvest... these things will all take on a new import in our lives. Of course we simply can't discard old traditions willy nilly. Look at Thnaksgiving. No more football games for a time I imagine, but a good harvest will be especially important. We can't abandon Christmas; who in their right mind would do so?We need to keep our sense of solemn wonder, our appreciation for He who has helped us so much through this time.

And, in spite of the hardships The Ouytbreak has brought, we have plenty of reasons to be grateful, as a family. Most of us are together & we pray daily, individually & as a family, for the safe return of Jake, Joe & Drew's sons. We have shelter, heat, clothing, water & good food. We have each other, we have love & we have hope. We know, oh how we know, that many are far less blessed, but while there are any survivors, hope remains strong.

The radio station is transmitting again - they did have transmission tower problems which They'vexed & news is once again beginning to trickle in. The outbreak does seem to be slowing down considerably. I suspect it's running out of people to infect. Many have already contracted it & have either died or survived, hopefully with a full set of immune factors. The winter weather across much of the country is limiting peoples' movements, be it voluntarily or no. How can you go anywhere when roads are blocked by snow, when it's too cold to contemplate a search for others or for food?

Unfortunately, that same bad weather is making it extremely hard for people in need of food to get out there & find it. In many parts of the nation, especially cities I imagine, that search would be fruitless. The radio news anchor reports that he shares the opinion of many that right now, in the US anyway, the plague is becoming less of a problem than are other causes of death. People ARE now starving to death in increasing numbers. Disease of other types is beginning to increase. Bad water is causing intestinal problems & with people already weakened by starvation, the death toll is rising.

Naturally, much of this sort of information is fairly local, within this state & others nearby. The radio station reports it's still very difficult to get much news from other parts of the nation. The federal government is attempting to put together short bulletins from all the regions across the nation. That will at least give us some of the big picture, although it will necessarily be limited. Something is better than nothing, I guess.

Andy also has found three shortwave frequencies where people are transmitting. He can't seem to transmit himself however & tomorrow, he wants to get up on the roof & see what he can do about strengthening both recpetion & transmission capabilities. Still, it's heartening to hear SOMEONE else out there. He's listened to one family group, similar to ours,who he feels isn't more than a few miles away. The group consists of what remains of three families... seven adults & olders teens and three children under the age of twelve. A veterinarian & his wife have also been transmitting & a lawyer who's alone with four children under the age of eight. Not sure where she's getting the time to broadcast!Both these groups seem to be fine for supplies & other essentials & they've both hinted that they know of others nearby. It's a start.

Next to no information is available from other nations. I don't expect that to change anytime soon. Perhaps we'll soon hear from some Canadians - they're certainly used to this weather, although their winter will probably last longer. I have no doubt that to our south, many more have survived, at least initially. Their ability to contact us is in doubt - at least in my mind, for right now at least.

The radio has promised to get more information for us tomorrow. They're working hard to put together as comprehensive a report as possible from the local area. They'll try to see what they can get from Washington about the rest of the country. At this point, any guidance from 'official' Washington would be nice, even if it's just encouragement to hang in there...

Well, my eyes feel like sand & I have a headache - too much time squinting in the sun. Time for bed & I hope nothing wakes me early. Sleeping in would be awfully nice.

[CanadaSue]

Oh my, just where do I start? As much as bad news seemed to breed more bad news a few months ago, it seems more welcome events bring even more good fortune. I'm almost too excited to write & my hand is still shaking. The Bible speaks of "joy coming in the morning" & didn't that happen today? But wait, I'm mentally tripping all over myself here, trying to get all this down before I lose my initial impressions. Forgive me, my dear descendants, if I don't seem to follow logical trains of thought here in this entry, but my heart is full, brimming with thankfulness, love & all that good stuff. I suppose I should make at least a token attempt to speak of the last several days before I note down today's momentous events.

First & yes, we enjoyed our day off. We did those chores which had to be done, seeing to the stock, cooking, tidying up & dealing with sewage & other mundane matters but we "concentrated" on resting & regaining our energy. As I'd said, there's always more snow to be shovelled & as long as one person can clamber over drifts, we can see to the stock.

The following day, yesterday, we finished the spring cleaning - all of it. All the house, (women don't do half measures when it comes to spring cleaning), was made spic & span, curtains hung & cupboards organized in everyone's section of the old house. I grumbled when Noreen insisted that the remaining 6 empty rooms be cleaneed too, but now I'm SO glad she insisted. MT & the kids finished tidying up & re-organizing the pantries & cold rooms & redid our freezer logs. We were finished the work shortly after lunch as all heartily wanted that set of jobs completed & out of the way.

Maxine insisted the kids take baths & change into clean clothes. Sam trimmed their hair - must remind myself to find the old clippers I've had stored away for years back at my place. Supper was wonderful & we enjoyed singing a rousing rendition of Happy Birthday for Andy. Birthday gifts proved to be no problem at all. Andy has always been a keen chess player & Drew had located & cleaned up an old set his grand dad had made, carved from local woods. The workmanship is stunning & Andy was appropriately grateful. The boys put their heads together & gave Andy a "certificate" promising to take 10 hours of his outhouse duties. That was imaginative & we all had a good chuckle. Cindy, knowing how much Andy loves kids gave perhaps the most special gift of all. She told Andy that she's decided he's to be the god father of her baby & that if it's a boy, Andy will be one of his two middle names. Noreen presented him with a deed to 200 acres of excellent farm land - for the future, she says; for when he has a family of his own. I didn't realize that part of Drew & Noreen's holdings belonged solely to Noreen. Anne & I really had to think this one through & we ended up promising him we'd find him the best shortwave set we could locate in town. I feel bad about that - but bought presents seem meaningless when all can simply be picked up & brought home. Andy didn't see it that way. He reminded both Anne & I that we've helped him a great deal with his college tuition over the past several years & that has been more help than he can explain properly. Louise gave him a painting from her house that Andy has always admired - a piece she paintedd herself some years back.

All in all, it was a great feast & we went through mountains of food. Even the boys are eating almost as much as adults would have before The Outbreak. Annette was almost in tears, having not thought of anything for Andy but he took her for a walk later, to "discuss" with her what he wanted from her. It's between the two of them, but Annette seemed a little less care worn when they returned.

On the topic of Annette, the changes in her are causing us all a great deal of sorrow. She's pale, quiet & has been 'ghosting' through the various parts of the house. She spent quite a bit of time in prayer with MT & we can only pray ourselves that this will help bring her peace of mind. She shrinks from much time spent with the group & positively avoids being alone with any of the adults. MT is advising giving her time & space, treating her normally, but being sensitive to her state of mind. We're trying, although we ALL want our old Annette back. Still, she's back among us & that in itself is a good start.

After the birthday supper, we did the dishes, cleaneed the kitchen & did the evening chores, seeing to the stock & firewood & such. Then, we prepared to open the strong box. I brought up from the cellar, a few bottles of good wine & some bottles of soda for the kids. Funny, as eager as we all were to see what was inside, we hesitated to open it. We spent a few minutes just sitting there, staring at that little box until Sam started laughing & said we all reminded him of a kid not wanting to open a bad report card. So, while I held the box still, Andy tried to hammer the lock off. It took a few good blows, but he finally broke the hasp, then handed the box to Drew. Cripes, I suspeect I wasn't the only one who felt as if he were in church - talk about a solemn moment!

Anyway, Drew opened the box & what a fascinating collection of items he found! First, I should explain the box measured about 12 x 18 x 10 inches - plenty of room for documents & such. Sure enough, most of what was in there was paperwork. Perhaps the most significant item was Drew's great grand dad's manumission papers - crumpled, stained, but my!, what a treasure for Drew. Next was a piece of brown paper with very crooked writing: the same man's first attempt to write: "My name is Sampson Lacroix"; his slave name I suppose as that name has not come down through the generations. On the back of this paper was a note from the man's teacher, attesting that indeed, this was his first time writing that sentence. A small journal written by Sampson was also among the papers in the box. Drew is reading through it now & promised to share what he finds. He says it's an account of the end of the war & how his great grand dad made his way to these parts. There are a few bills of sale - one for 10 acres of land, one for a mule, plough & a milk cow. I expect those are some of the first items & animals Drew's people bought when they arrived in this area.

There were several news clippings of personal interest to Drew. Birth & death notices of his forefathers & other relatives & the first section of the local paper published the day after Pearl Harbour. There WERE love letters; between Drew's grand dad & grand mother & Drew may or may not share those with us. It will depend on what they contain. There was a little oilskin packet of soil with a note attached. It's soil from where Sampson came from in Louisiana. There was also the first coin Sampson ever owned. I wonder what he went without to keep it? There are a number of other such items, newspaper lists of local high school graduates which include a few of Drew's great uncles & a newspaper article noting how his grand dad put out a barn fire one night before it could really catch hold. Fascinating stuff really, especially when one reads between the lines.

Perhaps to us in particular, taped to the under side of the box was a "letter" from Timmy's parents to him which Anne & I wrote together. That was not a fun job; we both cried. Perhaps we're wrong in encouraging his delusion that mom & dad could write but my God, here's a little boy who's lost everything, a little boy who's shown us he's not short of courage or common sense & if a "letter" from his parents helps ease his mind, why not? Luckily, he's told us a great deal about his parents, about favorite books they used to read to him, the special names they had for him & how they said good night. We were able to incorporate that into his letter although he cried, these weren't simply tears of sorrow. I truly think he feels or will feel, better having had some final word. I pray to God we didn't make a huge mistake there & later, when he's older & must realize what we did; I hope he sees our gesture for what it truly was.

We spent a few hours after opening the box, talking over some of the things which it contained. I'll have to explain the slavery & bigotry issue to the boys & if Drew lets us look at some of the material, it will be an invaluable addition to our discussions of history. Sammy had a great idea. He thinks we should make a time capsule of our own. Everyone seemed to like that & we've given ourselves the year to individually put aside things we think should be included. If space is a problem, we can always bury a barrel! fter the year, we'll spend some evenings discussing what should & shouldn't go in. The one thing I've asked is that each take time to think where we all will be five, ten & twenty years from now, what we'll be doing as individuals & a nation.

Now for the biggest & best news. Wait - I should set this up properly. We'd all gone to bed & while I suspect we all took time to fall asleep, we all slept long & well. The early morning was typical of our days here. The boys cleaned out the fireplaces & wood stoves, dumped the ashes & did the morning dishes. Annette, MT & Cindy did a quick tidy up, while the men saw to the stock & did more shovelling. We were all indoors in Drew's kitchen, taking a hot chocolate & tea break when Annette suddenly shushed us. She was sitting closest to the front window overlooking the road & swore she heard something. We all hushed & rushed to look, but nothing was to be seen or heard. Andy went upstairs with binoculars & shouted down within a minute or so that there was something on the road, headed our way. We all tore upstairs & almost fought over the three sets of binoculars.

Andy was right; there WAS something coming down the road. Believe it ro not, there were three teams of sled dogs within about a quarter mile of the front gate! I don't think any of us could believe what we were seeing at first & when I finally came back to reality, it was to see Sam quietly checking the rifles. That brought me to earth with a jarring crash. I had MT & Cindy dress the kids in their outdoor clothing - quickly; then they headed for the back part of the cellar. The rest of us, not knowing what to expect, armed ourselves & spread out over the house, trying to cover as many sight lines as we could.

I doubt any of us knew what to think. I had the irrational thought that it might be the military, coming to see "if we were fine" or worse. Sam & Andy worried about looters & I'm still not sure what the rest thought. The adults had little time to discuss this, but we decided that Drew & Sam, as the most intimidating of us in appearance, should do any face to face dealings required. Anne of course, was concerned with smallpox, so we agreed that if they tried to come any closer than the front gate, we'd fire over their heads & warn them off. Or at least, make sure they got no further until we knew who they were & what this was about.

Of all the things I expected, dog teams had to be about the farthest down the list. Each sled appeared to have 6 - 8 dogs pulling it & were fully loaded. I could see a person on the back runners of each sled & four others, obviously armed & paying attention. Two were in frfont of the dogs & two taking up positions behind the sleds. They weren't moving too quickly for which I was grateful. When you find yourself that surprised, time is helpful.

It took about another 45 minutes for them to get close to the front gate. It was too late, had we been so inclined, to hide the evidence of our occupation. The chimneys were belching out smoke & we HAD shovelled. We could only hope & pray that whoever they were, they were healthy & meant us no harm. The wait seemed endless, but we didn't dare risk exposing ourselves to their gun sights; even at the distance they were initially.

They finally arrived near the gate & to our relief, stopped the dogs. By then we had a clearer picture of what we were facing. There were 7 adults & older teens, from the looks of it & 2 of the sleds had children sitting on them, wrapped under blankets. There looked to be four or five kids - hard to tell when your heart is pounding & nervous sweat running into your eyes.

One of the adults walked up to the gate - no farther, then carefully, in an exaggerated fashion, lay his rifle down & waved a white - towel? The others also disarmed themselves & held up their arms, trying to signal no ill intent I figured. Sam snapped out from the front door that no one among us was to get in front of a window or otherwise move. He stood to the side of the door, then slowely pushed it open & waited. We could hear yelling frrom the front, where the group had stopped; calling for Drew. Drew boomed back at him; something to the effect of: "who are you & what do you want?"

Now here was where I just sagged. It was JAKE! We had no time for anything else. Cindy had returned upstairs while we were waiting & as soon as she heard his voice, she yelped & barrelled out the front door, screaming his name all the while. She must have fallen three or four times trying to get to the front gate & I've lost track of how many times Jake slipped running to her. Well that pretty much put an end to our caution. If that was Jake, then surely they meant us no harm.

Wow! What a wonderfully, confused time followed that! The news simply got better. One of the other men was Joe of all people & I don't think I need say how Louise felt about that! There were also two women, one in her early thirties & one just shy of Andy's years, two teenaged boys, (more on that later!), a third man about Drew's age & yes, five children. The youngest is just a few months older than Timmy, two are Sammy's age & one is about a year older than Greg. And what a story they had to tell us. There's much too much to put here at once. Suffice it to say they all survived The Outbreak - all but the young woman & the three year who's her son who never became ill & over the past few months, they've found each other & now, thank the Good Lord - us.

Need I explain that the house was full of joyous confusion, happy tears & beaming smiles the rest of the day? We nearly forgot to check the stock that evening & I swear, no one has had taken a good breath between explanations & all manner of talk. We have much yet to tell each other, but for now we'll leave it at this. Our group has grown with the addition of these dozen new members. Our lost family members have been returned to us, in good health & all have tales to tell of their adventures the last few months. Thank goodness we cleaned ALL of the house. We're almost bursting at the seams now but thankfully, we're not short of good food for everyone. Oh they're all fairly well fed, but now we can fatten the calf & give them all some good home cooking. Jake has promised to tell his story tonight & I'm just waiting for the dishes to be finished, the hub bub to still a bit, then I'll join the others & we'll all listen. We've decided that's the best way to do it; everyone will tell their story one evning at a time & I'll transcribe the highlights.

But not tonight, no matter how fantastic a story Jake has for us. Tonight, I'll be content to sit back & listen, to give thanks for the safe return of my son & the others he has brought us.

God is good.

[CanadaSue]

MT here, penning today's entry. Tom has asked the other family members to take care of regular family journal entries for a few days while he concentrates on documenting the stories of those who have just joined or rejoined us. It's important to get their stories too & I'm more than happy to help out by writing about daily events. Frankly, I've been very tired lately, more than I've been letting on & having to sit & write these entries is a relief. It means I can sit down for hours on end & there's usually someone around to bring me tea.

Perhaps it's old age, but lately I find myself tiring very easily. Hiding that from everyone is becoming more difficult. At my age, 77; stress is hard to deal with & harder yet is dealing with change. The sorts of changes we've experienced these last few months would exhaust anyone, but at my age... well, it's almost too much. I find myself retreating to my bible more & more, finding comfort in those timeless words of wisdom & almost daily, finding new sources of strength & the patience to deal with so many people.

This too must be my age, but I'm finding our new community members a burden right now. How unfair that is of me! I have no doubt the adults have valuable skills to offer & the children are our future. But the noise level has more than doubled, it seems to me & watching the children race about reminds me of how slowly I've come to move these last several years. I find myself regretting that no one else my age is with us. I miss the companionship of those my age, those who've gone through the same boring medical tests, illnesses & who share my concerns. I can't figure out why God spared me & took so many far younger, healthier & more knowledgeable folk. No doubt He has His purpose, but... I wish he'd share it with me.

I am making time in my days to write down everything I can remember about life on my grandparents' farm, in the days when there was far less modern technology & we walked closer to the earth & closer to the Lord. I have over 100 pages dealing with such things as caring for pigs - grand dad always had a few around; recipes for canned meats & vegetables & pickle recipes I've not seen in years. I thought it might be a good idea to write down old recipes, before they're lost forever. I'm also trying hard to remember what Granny did when any of us became ill; she had potions & lotions aplenty & I remember going to the woods & fields, helping her gather what she needed, then helping her prepare them.

Any of these sorts of things I can remember, I write down. They may come in useful & I find the more I think, the more I recall. Perhaps it was the excitement yesterday or thinking back to summer days on my grandparents farm, but I dreamed of them last night. They were standing at the edge of the wood lot here, holding hands. It was late spring. The birds were chirping & I 'knew' they were nesting. I could see people working in the fields, but that didn't seem important. What mattered was going to greet my grandparents. How happy, they looked! In life both had drawn, careworn faces but when I looked at them in my dream, they shone. I wanted so badly to walk right to them, to hug them both but I woke before I quite reached them. That really rattled me & I couldn't help but wonder if it was some sort of portent? If so, I'll know in good time.

Well now, I'd best write about what Tom asked me to note down. First, it's time I listed all who form this community; their names, ages & what they did BEFORE. I'm MT as I'm known here, Anne's mother. I'm 77 & a cancer survivor. Before retiring, I taught fifth & sixth grades. Tom is 56, a high school English teacher & husband to my daughter Anne, who's 54 & a practicing registered emergency room nurse. They have three children. The youngest is Andy who's 25 & was finishing up a masters degree - something to do with computer systems & switching or something like that. The second oldest, Jake is a police officer. He's 27 & is married to Cindy, 25. Cindy was a successful publicist for a clothing company & is pregnant with their first child. She's expecting in July. Sam is Tom & Anne's oldest boy. He's a clinical psychologist specializing in troubled children & is married to Maxine who is 36 & was a social worker until she gave up work after the birth of their youngest son, Sammy. Sammy is 5 & in kindergarten. Their oldest is Annette; 15 & a sophomore in high school. Greg, their second, is 7 & in second grade. They've more or less adopted our foundling, Timmy who is 4 years of age & a bringht little fellow to boot.

We're currently living at Drew's, a farmer & old friend of Tom's. He's 48, as is his wife, Noreen. Noreen keeps busy on the farm & also drives a school bus part time. Tom's neighbor Joe is a 28 year old police officer & his wife Louise, 25 was recently laid off frfom her job at the fertilizer plant. That wraps up the family as it was formerly constituted. Now for our new folk...

Morgan is a 48 year old man, a plumber by trade & he's told us he dabbled in most of the construction trades before settling on plumbing & eventually opening his own company. His wife passed on early in The Outbreak. Jean is a 33 year old veterinary assistant & her daughter Ashley is 7 & in the second grade. Her husband & 2 sons died also. Sarah was studying to be a fashion designer, but gave it up last year to help her parents on the farm after her mother had a moderate stroke. Alex is 17, a senior in high school. He & his sister Carol lost their parents 3 weeks ago. Mark at 16 is on his own. His mother died early in the epidemic & he's been scrounging ever since. 2 weeks ago, he encountered Isabelle & David & took them on to care for. He's not sure where they're from - they refuse to speak of what's happened to them. Jake found Jared a few days ago, lying in a room with his dead parents & baby sister. He's not sure how he survived; there was little food left in the house.

So that's who our newcomers are. What they have to contribute is something we'll learn over the next few days, as they tell their stories. I do know Sarah can handle dogs. The dog teams belonged to her father who enjoyed breeding them & sometimes racing them. I expect they'll come in handy although I'll admit, I'm not a dog lover & I'm already finding their barking more than a little annoying. Still, they'll be good guard dogs & can literally pull their weight on the farm.

Goodness, so many new folk & naturally, new situations bound to come up. We've had to move people around in the house somewhat, to accomodate all in a sensible manner. All the young boys are bunking in what used to be a formal & rather large front parlor. Alex & Mark share a smaller room right next door, making it easy to keep an eye on the young ones. Our 2 men have rejoined their wives of course & the 2 women are sharing a room with the 2 little girls in a room right next to them. Morgan is in an attic loft above Tom's kitchen upstairs. It's not the best spot, but he says he's fine & we can re-examine all of this later - when time & circumstance permit.

So, how did we spend our day? Not in any terribly organized fashion, I'm afraid. I expect we all spent some time thinking about Jake had to tell us last night. The women put their heads together & decided to list & allocate all chores relating to the house, cooking & the outhouses. I'm pretty sure the men & older boys did the same. This evening, before we listen to Joe's story, we're going to go over a list of 'house rules', a, (hopefully), simple list of "dos" & "do nots" which will help the house run smoothly. These will no doubt alter over time, especially as we discover the skills of others & they find their own natural talents under these new circumstances.

I remember reading that some old communities, small clusters of settlers; often had fewer than a dozen people scattered over 20 or so square miles. We're in much better shape & although we may sometimes get on each others' nerves, many hands make light work. Drew has carefully counted his stock, his feed & other farming supplies & Maxine & I spent time this morning with Tom, drawing up inventories of what we have in the various pantries & cold rooms.

I expect that shortly, someone will mention that some supply runs will have to be made. We have many things here, almost all useful but with the addition of so many people, there surely must be some things which may run short. It's probably best to get what we need now, so that once spring arrives, we can buckle down to the hard work of farming.

Some practical work did get done today of course. The men hauled water from Drew's old well & all our newcomers benefitted from a hot bath with soap & shampoo. That reminds me, we're going to need tooth brushes. We barely have enough. Laundry was done so the newcomers could have a change of clothes. Most only had a few spare items & thankfully we have lots of clothing & fabric here. The men & boys did more shovelling & Sarah & Drew picked a shed in which to house her dogs - all 17 of them! Good Lord, that's too many dogs!

Annette drew a few maps of the house. With all the additions over the years, it can be confusing. She pinned one up in the main kitchen, one at the end of the hall & one at the bottom of the main stair case. Sarah has also volunteered to make clothing for those requiring it. That of course, means the children. We're short of childrens' clothing & Noreen has an old treadle machine Sarah says she can use. With Sarah doing the patterning, cutting & pinning, both Cindy & her can sew up items as they're made & there are enough of us who can handle simple sewing to take care of hems, buttons & such. As long as I'm not asked to do zippers - never did get the hang of how to set those properly.

Drew & Andy took the adults & 2 older boys on an abbreviated tour of the property, concentrating on the immediate area & he showed them his maps, explaining what land was his & what sections were used for what Morgan, Mark & Jean will have to be taught how to shoot; none of them have ever handled a rifle or shotgun. Sam spent as much time as he could with the children, trying to get a feel for how they're doing in an emotional sense. He expects that to take a few days but is already concerned about Isabelle & David. Maybe they just need time.

All have no doubt gone through some very difficult times in the past several months & we'll all share our stories. We have at least that much in common - we've all survived this so far, be it through luck, happenstance or some level of planning. There is strength in numbers & although our newcomers will add to the workload, they also bring to us their strength & knowledge.

Tom was in despair, I know, about the amount of work ahead of us. I know he worried about how much sheer physical labor had to be done & so few young, able hands. God provides, as the Good Book says & He has sent us new friends to ease our burden. Morgan is close in age to Drew, Noreen, Tom & Anne & Jean is close to Sam & Maxine in age. Sarah will be good company for our younger women & the younger children will entertain each other. Annette has seemingly come alive with the addition of two fine, young men. She's paid little or no attention to her appearance lately but three times today, I caught her at the mirror, doing different things with her hair. Maybe a few boys her age dancing attendance on her is exactly what she needs. If that's what happens. On the other hand, that's one headache I'm sure Sam & Max could do without!

Well now, it seems like supper is finished & the kitchen cleaned. I wasn't hungry, being content to sit here with my tea & a few fresh biscuits, but now I'm eager to hear of Joe's experiences. Not to mention, my hand is cramped from writing!

[CanadaSue]

Jake's Story...

I wish I had a way to write what Jake had to say verbatim; but some sections were pretty disjointed & while I tape recorded while he spoke, he encouraged me to listen to some parts again & edit as I see fit. I hope I've done so in a manner that does his experiences justice. I've stayed with a chronological account of his doings & added his thoughts, feelings & impressions as he related them to us. It's the best I can do & his story speaks for itself. I took the liberty of "writing" it in the first person.

I'm Jake, son of Tom & Anne, husband of Cindy & this is my story of the early days of the outbreak. I don't need to go over what happened when we were still all together. This starts when I left, to go join the local National Guard Unit & contribute as best I could to the relief effort. I didn't want to go - not with my family here & especially my wife, who's expecting our first child. But I felt a greater duty calling me & couldn't refuse. A lot has happened, both to me & to others & I've had the opportunity to witness much of the local efforts as well as being made aware of what was happening in other parts of the state & country.

They were glad to see me at the armory. I had my ID with me, but the local commander was smart enough to run me through a few quick & dirty tests. I suppose identification can be forged & in those first days with so little real information available, better safe than sorry was the watchword.

I'm a military police officer, a sergeant first class but in light of all that needed doing, I was given a field promotion to Lieutenant. I had a platoon of 20 or so mps under my command, not nearly enough for all we had to do, but we were so few to try & deal with so much. My initial tasking involved guarding supply convoys for the vaccination clinics. We picked them up about 20 miles out of town & made sure they got in safely. It was unnerving to say the least. At first, most of the truck drivers were civilians, the guards a combination of military & police. Things went well; the roads were in fairly good shape & people were still too stunned to try any nonsense. They were glad to see the supplies arrive & few made even the slightest attempt to make life difficult for us. Morale was fairly high among the troops. We'd all had our vaccines & were more than willing to do what we could to limit damage.

I heard stories from some of the other men about what conditions were like at the clinics. Panic was never far away & there were all kinds of unfortunate incidents. A number of terrified members of the public attacked staff at various clinics, fearing that they'd not get vaccine or that the vaccine was what was spreading the plague. Some just... lost it; for reasons no one could determine. Under the circumstances, I suppose that's to be expected although I never thought so many would lose their wits. We quickly gave up on trying to control looting. Most were simply after food for themselves & their families, not to mention medical supplies. If we'd try to keep that alone under control, we'd have had time for nothing else.

We had details delivering rations for a time but that system quickly broke down. We couldn't get adequate amounts of food after the first week or so & by then, so many were sick & dying that in some neighborhoods, few came to pick up supplies. We gave up on body collection too - simply too many to deal with & with it being winter, what's the point? I wish we had. The corpses will have to be dealt with before they begin spreading disease & before the vermin multiply too badly. Who will do it is another question. Those who remain alive here have other, more basic concerns; such as keeping alive themselves.

Anyway, they kept my detail on convoy protection for the better part of 2 weeks. Over that time, many convoys we expected simply never showed up. Whether they were stopped by storms, lack of fuel or were ambushed by those desperate for what they contained is a question I may never find an answer to; someone would have to find out, then spread the information. Again, no one is left with time to spare. We lost most of our civilian drivers after the first week. They may have sickened, may have simply quit - we may never know. We were down to only 2 vaccination clinics open by then anyway & few people were risking leaving their homes. It was known, or at least strongly suspected by then, that at least one of the circulating strains seemed to be able to circumvent the vaccines. And let's face it, working in biological warfare gear doesn't allow us time to do very much, even in the dead of winter. Most had stopped wearing more than a mask by then I know, in spite of my haranguing them, most had stopped being careful about hand washing & other basic hygiene measures. It's hard to fault the troops really, we often had no warm water, little soap & even less time.

By the end of the second week, the unit had a lot of troops ill, in spite of the vaccines & we weren't able to do much more than offer emergency snow clearing around the town hall & hospital. We also did some limited patrolling near the hospitals & care centers & kept an eye out for fires & other obvious hazards. Man, that's hard stuff to take. That's not the sort of scenario we train for. In all my regular & Guard time, we trained with the assumption that for the most part, we held the balance of power. If we didn't outnumber the enemy, we had the better equipment & training. Now, all those presumptions are gone. They fled quickly in the face of new realities. How do you outnumber fear & starvation? How do you overpower disease, storms & lack of communication? How do you compensate for a power vacuum at all levels? Don't get me wrong; I'm not faulting the different levels of government, our commanders or troops. It's simply that circumstances overcame the resources we had far too quickly.

I was losing men to disease, death & desertion by the end of January; the whole unit was. When I left last week, we were down to roughly twenty men, some rations, a few generators & no fuel. I was the senior officer left, a captain by then.. The CO & XO were dead & those senior to me sick or simply... gone. Can't blame them. They all have families, friends & neighbors & with the sights we've seen, it's a wonder so many stuck it out as long as they did. I took the liberty of formally disbanding our unit's attempts to work in an organized fashion. I told them there was little we could do until spring comes, that we'd all be best returning to our homes & seeing who was left & what manner of things we had left to work with. The three young lads we had, those with no families they knew of, volunteered to remain at the armory with the radio sets. There's enough fuel left to maintain enough power to monitor radio & other frequencies. Those boys will do just that & if there's any significant news we need to be aware of, they'll mount a green flag from the top of the transmission antenna. They'll leave that up for 72 hours, giving those of us remaining a chance to get into town to find out what the news is. None of us who left fear the disease anymore; we've all had plenty of chances to catch it & haven't. As for our own safety, we're all armed & I can't see why too many would be inclined to bother us. I cautioned everyone not to appear as though they're carrying food or other essentials; THAT could bring them unwanted attention. Other than that, any news beats no news at all & while I hope no one takes too many risks, we could all use some good news.

I'm a bit out of sequence here & I'm sorry for that, but much of what I did & saw blurs together. You remember coming across your first bad case, your first death but after that; your mind thankfully becomes numb to the horrors around you... most of the time. I had to check homes, to see if there were any inside sick & alone, in need of help - as long as that sort of effort was able to be maintained. It was heart rending to find homes where everyone was gone & it was clear that the very young had died last. Some died of cold & of starvation, not of the illness itself. In more than one home, it was obvious that starving pets had killed babies. But, I don't really want to talk about that. I have enough nightmares.

For all the disease & death, for all the countless tragedies playing out, some ARE alive & show every sign of staying well. Or to put it another way, I doubt they'll get smallpox. Other things might kill them. It became frustrating to not be able to answer questions after a short time. Many homes still had one or more survivors & many of those had taken food & other necessities from the homes of the dead. They have enough for months in some cases, but want to know what happens after that. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to not be able to give them a straight answer? They expected, because I represented authority I suppose, that I'd be able to hand them the answers all tidily wrapped up in a neat package. "I don't know" was not at all what anyone wanted to hear. Mind you, most took those words with some measure of grace. I was being honest; I'm not about to lie when the situation is already so dire. All I could do was advise them to do their best to stay alive & well, to at least put a few drops of bleach in their water, to try their best to make sure food was safe & to not take unnecessary risks. I suggested that those who've been ill & recovered, or who had been exposed & not contracted the disease might think about trying to contact anyone left alive in their neighborhoods. I reasoned that groups of people have a better chance than do individuals & told them what I was saying had been suggested by the President himself. I was blunt with most, telling them that we'd have to rebuild a bit at a time, starting at the local level. I think most will rise to the challenge. Oh they'll make mistakes, but they'll do their damnedest to survive & improve their lot. But there are a number who seemingly are still waiting for someone, anyone, to bail him or her out. "Helpless hand wringers" & I have limited patience for those.

I saw more than one household where a single adult was caring for either a number of very young children, the infirm or elderly & they were doing a damned good job. They didn't have complaints as much as concerns. Then there were, are; those who I had to fight not to slap sense into. Young, healthy people but devoid of common sense & guts. One stupid b*tch, (sorry, but she was), whined something about HATING to work in dirt: "It's full of WORMS & bugs!” That was her reason why she won't think of gardening this spring. Yet there she sat in a house with a good acre of land out back & obviously good health. Okay, I was patient with her, suggesting that perhaps she had valuable skills she could trade for food & other needs. That was no help; she whined something about not being able to figure out what her services were worth. No, I didn't ask what services she had in mind, but I think she made that pretty clear! I'm afraid we'll be saddled with more than our share of these conniving, self centered idiots & I can't be bothered. There's way too much to do to help those willing & able to work hard. Screw the con artists & manipulators!

Too many homes are altogether empty. Some of these have been checked for food, obviously but many others stand silent & cold, undisturbed since their occupants died or fled. In a way, that's good. It means some food, canned & boxed items, is there for the taking when people are ready to venture out. It may be enough to tide many over until they can begin to harvest crops. We've lost or are losing about 90% of our people throughout all of this, so surely there will be something to eat this spring & summer. What I wouldn't give to know more about gardening, about farming. Well Drew & Noreen will teach me everything I need & I only hope I learn quickly.

I suppose I should, at this point, tell what I know about the rest of the country. In terms of numbers of sick, dead or dying; we listened to local radio too & they were giving it straight. We were getting the same data. I don't envy the federal government or what's left of it & that's precious little. Most of the Cabinet is dead - probably because of their age & the same applies, I'm afraid, to the branches of Congress. For all intents & purposes, we have NO effective government at any level right now & that won't change quickly. Too much needs to be rebuilt, reconstituted before we can begin to even think in those terms. The President, in his radio messages, has it right. Everyone must look after themselves & their families first, start rebuilding their communities as best they can & only then will we be able to look to rebuilding at state & national levels. Our work was tiring & tedious, but required little brainpower. I had lots of time to talk to my men, members of the unit at large & others I ran into. I heard some pretty good ideas & I'm convinced that practical wisdom of that sort is not limited to our local area.

The best one I heard is to reconvene what's left of our local Guard come mid April or so, before too many get too busy trying to grow food. We'll write out & post signs all over town & ask those with CBs & short waves still operating to transmit the info. The radio station will as well. We'd like to convene a meeting of as many as possible who remain alive. It will do us all good to see other faces & we may even be able to do a rough count of who's left. We're going to recommend people find land, several acres per person & do their damnedest to plant what they need. There must be other farmers left with lots of land, seed, but little labor. This would be a good opportunity to put together the farmers with potential laborers. Yes, it will be back breaking work but may be our best hope for next winter. Forgive the terminology, but perhaps collectives of workers, those with some valuable skills & also knowledge can form up with the aim of growing food for next winter. I think if we can get most of who is left by spring, through the winter, we'll have the roots of a good solid community - people who know what work is & what's required to rebuild.

I'm not holding out any hope for more of a start than that. It HAS to be local. When I think it through, the disease looks like it will leave us with only 28 million survivors. That may sound like a lot, but how will they be distributed? How many of those will survive the first year? There will be accidents, famine for some, disease, stupidity & natural disasters we can't foresee. The cities are hellholes; that's what we've been hearing. Some of those gangs ran nuts during the first few weeks. Any of those who survived - well I don't know if they can change their mind set. It seems ridiculous to me to fight over turf when the whole damned country is open, but they're urban hoods. They'd probably freak if they were in a park big enough to block all view of 'civilization'. They may prefer to rob, raid & pillage for what they need in terms of food. I expect after a short time, they'll find they'll have quite the battles on their hands, but until then, how many on either side will die?

We may have states relatively unscathed while others will have been picked almost clean by variola. It may be a long time before we discover what situation fits what area. I'm glad to be here. Yeah, winters are miserably cold, but it's good farmland. We're prone to tornadoes, but not many & not often. Blizzards we can deal with. I doubt we'll lack for combustible fuels for quite some time yet & later we can trade fuel for food with other regions - once we get to that level of rebuilding.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about priorities for this year, thinking & talking to other folk. We all agree that needs are pretty basic for the short & medium term. We have to stay alive. To do that, we have to feed ourselves & pay attention to basic safety. I fear we may lose a lot of young children to accidents. They probably won't be as well supervised as they were pre-Outbreak. Our ancestors almost took it for granted that they'd lose children along the way & we may be back to that state for a time. We need to find those with medical skills, like mom & animal husbandry & farm skills, like Drew, Noreen & Sarah. We need teachers - our kids need to start learning very quickly. I hope some of our specialists in crucial fields, farming, animal health, medicine, food safety & such can teach what they know. The students will probably be far more willing to learn - more motivated & we simply need, on a local level, to identify those with the skills, those with the willingness to learn & match them up. I predict the apprenticeship system may come back for a time.

Law enforcement is something we need to examine carefully. I don't want to see all the stupid local ordinances or invasions of privacy brought back. But we need some basic rules & people to make sure they're kept. We can't have pedophiles, thieves & murderers roaming the streets at will. For that matter, considering how little personal property now has living owners, what exactly would constitute theft in this new time? And if we have some kind of local government, how do we handle dealing with other regions nearby? Man, it makes my brain spin to think of all we need to consider, plan for & execute. I'd love to simply start filling the old slots, but the old systems were ponderous, overburdened & probably unnecessary. We first have to pare everything back to the minimum needed. But that's not my headache - certainly not right now. All I want to do now is do my share around here, keep Cindy & the rest safe & see my baby this summer. Everything else is going to have to take a back seat to that.

It's later now, after nine & the young ones are in bed. We took a break for coffee & simply to catch our breath, but now I'd best bring up those matters I didn't want to bring up in front of the little ones. First, orphans. There are more than I expected; maybe several hundred with no one to care for them. Most have gathered in small gangs if you will. They're fiercely loyal to each other & determined to stay alive. Many shy away from adults, fearing we'll somehow make their lives worse. I don't expect they think much of us as a whole. It wasn't kids that did this & they know it. There have been some scum preying on these babies. One of my privates found a man trying to rape a girl; couldn't have been older than 10. He shot him, summarily & none of us were prepared to dispute his decision. There are rumors of men & women holding children & forcing them to perform unspeakable acts. I don't doubt that, even in our quiet corner of the country. Evil is everywhere, even if it remains dormant until trying times appear. Those running the orphanage & yes, it's still running, now have over 100 children between the ages of a few months to almost 16. We've put out the word that it's there & have tried to leave crude maps showing where it's located, for those children still out there inclined to find help. A number of men, now bereft of families, are providing the labor & guard services needed to keep it running. They have plenty of food & we saw to it they have fuel; firewood for fireplaces & wood stoves & diesel for the few generators they have. They have lots of clothing. I 'liberated' the kids’ clothing & shoe sections of 2 of the department stores & we trucked that stuff over. Anyway, we hope more children will find their way there. It may not be ideal, but it's better than being on the streets.

Those we encountered over 16, we encouraged to group together, not to form street gangs, but to protect each other. Safety in numbers & all that stuff; right? Some, those who swore they were sixteen but appeared younger; we reminded that the orphanage is there. They might find hot food, warm beds & clean clothing there in exchange for help with the younger ones. Some took us up on that. Some preferred where ever they were. Some of those kids we'll lose, but I think most have proved resourceful enough to make it. We have to, as a community; place a lot of emphasis on those kids. They're almost adults, but still need to be tempered by experience & knowledge. We'll have to consider how to teach them what they need to know as adults, without insulting them by treating them as ignorant & inexperienced, which most actually are. Maybe Sam & Dad will have some ideas there.

I think our drug problem, that is; addicts is about gone. We secured most medical equipment, the unit did, as quickly as possible to keep it out of the hands of druggies. The remaining doctors have some, the hospitals & care centers have most of the rest. Dad, I figure you & mom made sure you have plenty of that sort of stuff on hand. The drunks we're stuck with until they either end up killing themselves somehow or run out of booze. That won't be for a while yet. The stores selling alcohol had stocked up for New Year's. We did find a lot of drunks & druggies dead - whether through overdose, freezing to death or accidents doesn't matter; they're weeding themselves out pretty fast. The idiots are too - harsh as that may sound. We saw a lot of people who we presume died of carbon monoxide poisoning, heating with kerosene & other flammable liquids without proper ventilation. There have been fires, I'm sure you've seen some even from here. Several downtown blocks are burnt to the ground. There have been car crashes. With all the vehicles lying around, people simply helped themselves. I saw one crash - about 8 teens squashed into a car, obviously had been drinking & hit a tree at speed. Not fun to see & we couldn't do a thing. We'll see more dumb accidents over the next few months, be it stupidity, ignorance or people simply trying what seems like a good idea at the time without properly thinking it through.

The last month or so, I've simply done the best I could on any given day. I tried to bring the mayor any important information I had, where we thought people might still be living & what areas appeared abandoned, especially farms. Drew, I knew someone was still here, but I'll tell you now, farmland not occupied is going to be assigned to families & groups. People have to feed themselves. I'm glad you're still here, Drew. I thought of you often & somehow I knew that I'd find the family here. If not actually here, I figured you'd have been in contact with them somehow. Anyhow, I couldn't do much in town other than try & check homes which I couldn't be sure had been checked. Not even entirely sure what I was looking for. Well, I do. I was trying to find survivors, anybody at all. When I managed to locate people who'd not been sick at all or who had been ill & recovered & were living close to others, I suggested they get together. Some did, others chose to wait until spring. Any young children I found I brought to the orphanage. The older ones, well I couldn't really force them, but I made note of where I found them & tried to check back to see how they were doing.

Lord of the Flies wasn't far off. It doesn't take much for kids to revert back to an almost prehistoric mind set. You against me. Everybody out for themselves & their group, that sort of thinking. Most looked upon me with extreme suspicion. I played it cool, never getting too close & trying hard not to appear to be threat. In some cases, a few visits convinced these kids I truly meant no harm & some eventually made it to the orphanage or found other kids with whom they could stay. I did come across some kids who unfortunately didn't believe death is permanent. All those guns around - there have been some terrible accidents among the younger kids. I'll leave it to your imaginations, but it was ugly sometimes.

Medically, the news hasn't changed much. The disease is running its course although the care centers, what's left of them, are expecting a resurgence come spring when more are out & about. That makes sense as some have managed to avoid all contact with others for a fair period of time. They may not be immune & many didn't choose or couldn't get the vaccine. That brings me back to the bodies. We're going to have to deal with those somehow. The rat population is already increasing & feral dogs are becoming a major concern. We need to talk that over with the kids & soon. There are all sorts of new hazards out there & I'm not comfortable with the idea of them roaming around the place without an adult nearby or one of the older kids; Annette or the boys. We need to think that through & set up some strict rules for them.

If it's any consolation, a number of women who've survived or didn't get sick are expecting. I don't know how they'll make out, but it's encouraging to think we have babies coming. It's hope for the future. I pray they prove immune, as there must be a fair bit of virus lying around - everywhere.

Now, this next part is going to be hard to talk about & forgive me if I need to take a break now & then. Forgive me period. I've had to do things I never dreamed I would have to do. First let me explain something; I'm not used to being seen as the bad guy. When I wear my uniform, I'm defending my country & what it stands for. It was a shock to have so many viewing me as the enemy, especially children. And what after all, was I doing? I was helping bring through essential supplies, trying to locate the sick & the dead & wanting to be sure people were as well as they could be under whatever circumstances they found themselves in.

For the most part, that was how I was received & seen; as someone trying hard to help. An unsettling number of people however, chose to see me as the enemy. They were convinced I was there to take them away somewhere or take their food & other essential needs. Not at all. God almighty, if we'd wanted to do that, we would have needed a hundred times the men we had available, somewhere to take everyone & the means to care for them. Sadly, many couldn't be convinced of that & all my men & me could do was assure them others remained alive & that we'd patrol when we could. I had more than a few rifles & shotguns pointed at me.

The first incident came on the third day. We came upon a house where all were ill, terribly ill. It looked to me as though three of the four had confluent smallpox & the fourth, a young girl of about twelve was ill as well. I'm not sure she had smallpox, but she was absolutely raving. She was convinced we were there to kill everyone & she fired a few shots in our direction. Thankfully she missed, but when she reached for a shotgun, it became even more frightening. She actually shot one of my corporals, not badly thank goodness, but we had to take her down. No, we didn't shoot her, but in the struggle, she struck her neck on the edge of the kitchen counter & snapped it. She must have been dead instantly, but that came as no comfort to any of us. In retrospect, I'm not sure what we could have done differently. We couldn't get close enough to her initially to disarm her & weren't in a position to se the shotgun. When we did grab her, she lunged towards us before pulling back. A jar of some kind of oil on the counter fell & smashed, leaving the floor very slippery. I slipped, she slipped & then the accident. I think God may forgive me for that; the question is can I forgive myself. I badly mishandled that one & must try & think of what I could do differently. I wish I'd had a taser or something, even mace would have helped, but that was back in the truck.

The second & final incident was the worst. We were doing an evening patrol & as darkness fell, we began taking shots from a very dark alley. We couldn't use flashlights without giving away our positions but repeatedly called for whoever was there to stop firing; we weren't "after" anybody. We simply were trying to pass by, but we'd not be able to let them stay there if they were firing at people passing by. They refused to answer other than firing off more rounds. One of my privates lost it & ended up lobbing in a couple of grenades without checking with the squad leader or myself first. That certainly ended the shooting, but when we eventually, cautiously made our way in, we discovered four... children, young boys were couldn't have been more than 10 or 12. None looked ill, they were well dressed & looked well fed. My soldier saw what he'd done & before we could stop him, before we could disarm him until we were sure he was alright; well he turned his rifle on himself.

I'm a lousy leader. I should have made it clear, well before we encountered any such problems, what the troops were & were NOT to do. I'm just as glad the unit has broken up; God knows who else would end up dead because of me. I really screwed up & I'm ashamed to have to tell you all. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't though & if you can't accept this or forgive me, I'll understand. Cindy & I can move back into Dad's house if you'll let us or some other house. If you somehow find it in your hearts to accept the unacceptable, please understand that I need a bit of time to work this through. I have nightmares where it happens over & over, both incidents & I'm not sure how to deal with it. I'm not sure how to deal with any of this, frankly...

Now I was going to tell you about these last few days, but I was the last one to find my way to the group which joined you yesterday. I think I'll leave that for the others. Let's just say I'm glad I found them & even more grateful I found you all well. You don't know how much I've thought of you all, MT - your wisdom, dad & mom; you always give me good advice & my brothers for their support. Cindy I missed more than words can explain & when I thought of perhaps never seeing my baby, I wept. It will be a long time before I feel I've seen enough of you all or spoken to you enough. If you do allow me to stay, I'll do my best to work hard & keep us fed. Drew, you'll have to walk & talk me through farming; I don't have a clue what's involved, but you can count on me to contribute.

My throat is pretty dry & I'm getting a little upset again. If you all don't mind, I'd like to take a little walk, then spend time with Cindy. You let me know soon please, if I can stay...


And that pretty much ended Jake's story, although I'll add quickly, if he thinks we're going to ask him to leave because not everything he did worked out perfectly, he's crazy. I know, he's been under a lot of stress & frankly, there's not much I would or could have done differently. I hope Sam can talk some sense into him, Sam or Maxine. They're our professionals after all.

Tomorrow night, it will be Joe's turn.

[CanadaSue]

MT here again, Technically, I should be writing these entries late in the day, but if yesterday evening was any indication, I'll be far too tired after hearing the latest tales; to put pen to paper. I tire more easily these days & with very busy times ahead, it's best I ration my strength. I had difficulty listening to Jake's story last night & I expect all the others to be as harrowing, if in different ways. My, these are trying times & while I know in my heart that tough times breed tough people, it pains me that we seem to have come to this. It seems we only too rarely, as humanity, hit high points. Between those rare sparks of brilliance, we seem mired in the muck. I mustn't be despondant though; if all can keep their heads for the most part, we stand a chance to regain what we've lost & are losing. I must confess, much of it I won't mind losing. I loathed the decadence our younger folk seemed addicted to for the most part & I despaired that we'd ever find value in good, old fashioned values & hard work.

I'm far from qualified to comment on judgements from God, but perhaps this is His way of winnowing out the weak, those who don't have the moral fortitude to carry on with dignity & strength. I'm not speaking of The Outbreak, that was purely human evil; but these times which must inevitably follow. I know Jake spared us many details of what he must have witnessed, but I've lived a long life & while I shun the worst aspects of our society, I'm not blind to their presence & their effects. I know he's a strong young man, inside where it truly counts & while he has much to wrestle with in his own heart, he's done nothing to be ashamed of - not in my mind or in the minds of the others here. I could read that in their eyes, even those people I've yet to come to know.

Jake left rather abruptly after he finished telling us what he'd been through, taking himself on the walk he'd said he needed. I'm not sure what time he came in; I was fast asleep by then. But the rest of us sat for a time after he left & thought over what he'd said. No one faults him in any way for what's happened, for what he'd done & not done. He's but one young man in the midst of chaos & I'm not sure I would have had the courage he surely must have needed to carry out some of his grimmer tasks.

We're proud, especially myself & his parents, by how thoughtful his observations were, how much time he seems to have spent in thinking ahead. That's the beauty of a varied group & of times to speak the way we're doing now. We have much to learn from each other & much to think about as individuals & as a group. We can all learn from Jake presently, how he's dealt with his experiences & how he continues to deal with them. I couldn't help but glance at Annette when Jake came to tell us of the deaths. That definitely got her attention & I'm hoping they'll talk. Sam has told Jake & Joe what's happened here & in time, quietly & when she's ready, they'll try to help her through it. Both have had similar things occur to them because of The Outbreak.

After agreeing we all had to reassure Jake that his actions did NOT make him unwelome here, quite the contrary; we discussed what he'd told us about safety concerns, especially when it comes to the children. He's right, this is a harsh new world we find ourselves in & it will be difficult to make the children understand. Sam reminded us there can be a fine line between instilling a healthy sense of caution in them & filling them with crippling fear.

For now, our concerns are centered around staying safe here. Farms are dangerous places for those not accustomed to the equipment, the livestock & the routines. Until we judge they're properly trained up, the young ones are NOT to go into the barns unattended, not the ones with livestock or equipment anyway. Drew has a small, almost empty shed near the house. He's going to empty it, make sure it's safe enough & tell the children it's "their" place. That sounds like a reasonable compromise to me. Drew & Noreen will also introduce the young ones to the animals, warning them what not to do around them & making sure they're supervised until they're well aware of how they can accidently be injured. They are NOT to go near the dogs. Sarah isn't yet willing to vouch for their ability to handle the attentions of excited children & she needs time to make sure all the dogs are safe. She also assured us that any of the dogs which does not appear to be friendly; well we have her permission to humanely destroy any such dog. We'd all hate to do that, but our safety comes first. For now, the only ones allowedd near the dogs are Sarah & the 2 older boys. Sarah says they work well with the animals & the animals have shown them the proper respect.

Drew took the younger ones around the farm yard this morning, a sort of guided tour with special attention paid to dangerous areas. He explained some of the equipment that's lying about & the ways any of it could injure them. He repeated several times that medical care is up to us now & that while we have some skills, there are certain injuries we can do little about. None of the little ones were terribly interested in the cattle, which is not unexpected. I think once the calves start coming along, that may change. They were far more interested in the horses, especially the foal. Drew told me at lunch that It was sweet to see Ashley, who's only 7, crooning over the injured mare. She had all kinds of questions about how we were healing her leg & has of course, fallen in love with the foal. All the young ones have, even the 'older' young ones! It seems Mark, the 16 year old, is a bit horse mad & he's offered to help Annette care for the horses. I noice she wasn't shy about accepting the help!

We've decided the young ones are not to leave the fenced part of the farmyard under any circumstances; not unless they're on an authorized outing with an adult. The snow is covering the pond & streams & in places, the snow is deep enough to be dangerous. And, when the wind picks up, the white outs can be intense & arrive with no warnings. That's not a healthy proposition for children that small. Under the snow, I'm sure water on the property is frozen solid, but why take chances?

We also walkedd the children through the house again, explaining whose rooms belonged to who & what the daily routines were. This week, Sammy will walk Jared through his, Sammy's; assigned chores & Greg will do the same with Ashley. Timmy doesn't have many chores, but he'll "show" Carol what he does so she can take her turn. They've already started that & it's helping the kids get to know one another. It's also helping the new children begin to feel as though they'll fit in, as though they have a role to play. Carol of course, fell in love with the kittens. She's already named them, Spunky & Sparky. We've told her she's now 'in charge' of the kittens. Twice a day she goes out with Annette or another adult - or she will be now & makes sure momma cat has plenty of fresh water & food & that the kittens are "okay". We've cautioned her that it's best not to touch them too much for a week or more, until they're older & at least have their eyes open.

The older boys will be working with the men. Sam figures at their age & with what they've lived through, they've earned the privilege of being treated like young men rather than boys. Of course they have lots to learn yet about being men, what that really means. But they strike me as bright boys, the both of them & their strength & energy is certainly welcome. So far, I've found them to be well mannered, hard workers & prepared to learn & contribute. They're both great with the smaller kids & although they're awkward with Annette, that's just the age. They're somewhat awkward with all of us, but they have a lot of new people to get to know quickly & not under the best of circumstances. I made it clear this was no time to stand on ceremony; we all need to get to know each other as quickly as possible. For now, the boys will spend time with Drew & Noreen, learning how to care for the livestock & within a week or so, Drew hopes to have them working with the horses. Mark is ready to learn about harnesses as he's accustomed to horses. He's ridden for years he says & from the way he is around the horses here, Drew believes he's not exaggerating. Alex is a total novice but eager to learn.

Drew had Jean look over his cattle today as well. She doesn't see any causes for concern, but as she said, Drew knows his stock best. He likes her attitude & told me she seems to know what she's doing. She's had plenty of experience with birthing cattle & Drew is glad that he & Noreen will have a third person to spell them off. Tomorow, if the weather holds, Drew wants to get the cattle out front for a bit, only so we can properly clean out their barn. It will also allow him to get a good look at the cows, especially those expecting & make sure they're fine. The fresh air & sun will do them good as well. It will be a massive job cleaning out all that bedding & replacing it. Cindy & I, as well as Louise who really looks peaky, will see to meals & the kids. Must get the men to bring in lots of water. I think they'll all want baths when they're finished.

Tom will keep the younger ones out of the way as best he can. They'll be able to watch from a safe distance & he can find chores for them to occupy themselves with, fetching coffee, tea & hot drinks as well as snacks. When & if they get cold & tired, I'll read stories to them & hopefully get the youngest ones down for naps. They have a lot of rest to catch up on.

Tom is looking a bit less strained with the addition to our group. I know he's happily working through a plan to make sure the three teens still manage to get in some schooling. He's got the text books & other material he needs as well as the expertise of the other adults to help cover fields which are not his strength - math & the sciences, specifically. I'll help with the little ones, all of those are at the earliest stages of their schooling. I love this age; they're so eager to learn & so proud when they master a new learning task. Goodness, we may all be living in cramped quarters, the weather poor right now, but over the last several days, our hearts have been lightened by so many blessings. Our men have returned & we've added to our family. I hear more laughter now & the young, sad as they are at their losses, will recover quickly.

Meals are busy times now, especially suppers with much conversation. We had to move things around in the kitchen, clearing out a few old dressers in order to add a second table. The adults & older children have one table & the younger ones their own. We decided that each day, a different adult would join the children & one of the younger children would eat with the adults. That way, the children are supervised & each gets a special day to eat with the grownups. At those times, they can share their special concerns & have the limelight for a time.

We still have to work out a practical way to parent these kids. We can't simply add them the list of Sam & Max's burdens. As did the Israelis, ,we're going to have to care for them as a community. I think that's healtheir myself. They'll learn different ways of doing the same tasks & will soon learn that every person has different strengths & weaknesses. I hope all will find at least one adult they feel comfortable confiding in. It's true Ashley has her mother & Carol has Alex, but sharing the responsibility will ease the load on them, especially Alex. Carol is quite shy & until she saw the kittens, kept her face buried in Alex's side. She's taken quite a liking to Annete, I believe & in time I hope she'll blossom.

It was a while before the children fell asleep last night, especially the boys in their dormitory, but they eventually did & there were only a few bad dreams. We've agreed to take turns the next week or so staying up late & keeping an ear tuned to the childrens' rooms. It will take them time to settle & as busy as we'll be keeping them during the day, once the lights go out they're alone with their memories, fears & worries. A couple of them don't have teddy bears or other stuffed animals & Sarah has drawn a few dedsigns for the children, hoping they'll pick one she can make them. I think she plans to make one for each child, no matter their ages; as a comfort & reminder that we're a group, a large family now.

Right now, the young ones are out in the back field with Alex & Annette. We thought it might be a good idea to get them into the fresh air. It's a fairly mild day, just a bit below freezing & they're busy clearing snow away from a large, square space; must be planning some kind of game later or tomorrow. Drew suspects we're in for a mild spell with temperatures reaching above freezing. If that's the case, we'll be concentrating on outdoor work; cleaning out the barns & removing snow before it freezes again. If it subsequently ices up, Drew says we can use manure on the paths to prevent slips. Sounds smelly, but I doubt any of us notice the smell of cows anymore. It will get far smellier around her once spring truly arrives.

Speaking of spring, Drew is also wanting to hunt for another old fashioned plough. We have two in working order now & 2 teams of horses, but a third would save time should one break. He & Jake will visit nearby farms later this week, looking through outbuildings for any such thing & also looking for stone sleds. I remember those; large flat sheets of metal upon which you stack stones culled from the fields - and there are always stones! Sarah says as long as the stones are limited in number, her dogs can pull such a thing. That will save the horses some work & allow them more time to rest.

Now one important matter has come up. We're a Christian family, as are Drew & Noreen. Joe & Louise were of no particular faith & Mark is his firm in his convictions of atheism. Jean calls herself an agnostic, as does Sarah. Alex has informed us that if there is a God, he hates Him. Fair enough. He's young & has gone through the mill. We wanted to make clear to everyone that while we as a family are fairly strong in our faith, we were not inclined to shove it down anyone's throat. I explained that to me, Christianity is shown by living example; deeds more than words. I said we had, as a group earlier, decided to keep Sunday as a day of rest. It's the Sabbath for those of us who are Christian & a rest day for those who are not. All are welcome to the informal services we will hold after morning chores & we're always happy to answer questions anyone may have.

I feel strongly that this is a time when we should strive to be right with the Lord, but I realize that cannot be forced on anyone, especially the younger adults. I'll simply continue to pray for all, answer any questions as best I can & trry to be a good example. I brought this up last evening, as I thought with our group now larger, it was not unreasonable to expect that some had different faiths. I suppose as long as no one is eating babies or doing anything truly against my principles, I'll accept that God knows best & He has different plans for different people.

Well, I don't suppose I gave a very clear account of our day so far, but there are so many things happening with everyone; small groups of 2 or 3 off do do various tasks, the children playing & a few of the women preparing supper. I expect my accounts will ramble somewhat as we settle into new routines, but so be it. Our lives are 'rambling' right now, so this journal will be an honest reflection of that.

Hmmm... just had a thought I must bring up with Drew. Does he have seed potatoes & if not, where are on earth are we going to find some?

[CanadaSue]

I know Tom told us he'd be willing to write our stories down, but I'll take this one. He has more writing ahead of him than he knows & has faithfully carried out the responsability of noting what's been happening to his family, to Drew's family & Louise. I owe him for giving Louise so much halp & encouragement. The least I can do is write my own story. I'm a plain speaker & writer & Tom likes to add lots of details; to give impressions & feelings. I don't as a rule. He'd go nuts trying to relate my story. Oh, I've tried to add as much detail as I can, but probably fall short of what Tom would prefer to see.

I don't need to repeat what we all know, how we first heard of The Outbreak & was happened once it hit here. What I'll write is what happened to me. I half expected to be called in for extra shifts over the holidays. We're always short of officers able or willing to cover all shifts I know few cops who get their whole holiday period days off. I didn't expect the reason I had to go in - none of us did.

The shift supervisor who called me just told me to come in & be prepared to stay "a while". I figured that meant a 12 hour shift or double, but didn't bother bringing anything much more than extra underwear & socks. Toothbrush & stuff I keep in my locker anyway. There was nothing on the radio to give me a hint why I was called in - no big fires or interstate pileup; nothing. So, I couldn't figure out why the parking lot was crammed with personal vehicles & why our maintenance guys were checking over each squad car - especially over Christmas time.

The locker rooms & shift report room were as full as I've seen them since just before Ace Halway's funeral. All the senior types were there, milling around, on the phone or going through papers. They brought us to order fast enough & the Chief himself let us know what was going on & what the mayor feared might happen. You could have heard a pin drop in that room & damned near every face was as pale as it could be. The Chief had one of the Public Health doctors talk to us. He gave us a reminder of what smallpox is, what it looks like & what it could do. We've had all that stuff since the anthrax attacks anyway, but the way the guys were concentrating, you'd have thought it was brand new information.

To make a long story short, we were told the nation had some confirmed cases & that pretty much meant we could expect to hear of more. The worry now was that we MIGHT be incubating cases here or cases might end up in the local area & spread the disease before we knew it. We got a quick rundown on how to evaluate people we come across in our normal duties, what symptoms we might see & where to take them, who to contact. We were all given cheat sheets of gross photos of the rashes, symptom lists & phone numbers, dispatch codes for reporting any suspected cases; items like that which could be useful.

The Chief then spoke again, telling us the town was preparing for all levels of emergency, from a watch for smallpox to a complete lockdown on a national level. I certainly hoped it would just end up being a week or two of simply keeping an eye out for anyone who might have symptoms, then the whole thing would simply go away. I figured once the news got out, we'd have a busy enough time just trying to keep people calm & answering questions. Funny, the minute you put a uniform on, people figure you've got all the answers. Yeah, right.

Those of us with some seniority were either already or right then & there; designated as squad supervisors with the squads reworked. I was given 9 men & 5 cars, one for me as a command vehicle & four two man patrol cars. Our first duty was to patrol a section of downtown, including the strip joint & bar. Wonderful. We were intially given a patrol schedule of 12 hours on, 12 off & were told that was subject to change as circumstances warranted. That lasted about three days - being able to catch any more than a snatch of 2 - 3 hours of sleep.

I'm pretty junior for supervisory roles & I figure that's why the chief assigned me some pretty experienced people. The only real question mark was the kid I picked to be MY patrol partner, essentially to work the radios & act as a gopher. Brian's a good enough kid, but he's only three months into the job & hasn't done much more than assist with the paddy wagon, work the holding cells & do some vehicular patrols with a way more experienced officer providing close supervision. Under the circumstances, I expected putting the newbies with experienced guys was the only realistic option. The shift supervisor had we had called the squad supervisors in for a seperate meeting later & told us to make sure the kids came up to speed on procedures as quickly as possible - probabtionary time was over.

The kit we were issued was enough to scare anyone not already pretty badly freaked out inside. As well as the usual riot type gear - just in case; we were given masks, lots & lots of gloves & a box of thumb cuffs per car, in case some citizens got really stupid. Scary to think they expected that here - the last thing we had approaching riot levels was when the high school basketball team made it to the state finals for the first time ever & the team decided to tear down the streamers at the gym & broke a few plastic glasses along the way. The most excitement we see here is when the feed store has a loss leader on calf halters. We were also given a fair number of tear gas grenades & even some body bags. That last bit didn't ease anyone's mind. I couldn't help but wonder why, if this was all just precautionary, we were bring given them now. Not to mention spray bottles full of bleach & water. We didn't have much time for shooting the breeze before getting our squads together, but a couple of the other newly minted supervisors what we WEREN'T being told; if anything.

You remember how quiet the town was the first few days. I think everyone was too stunned to think of getting the hell out of Dodge or acting the fools. It took a few days before folks figured if they might be stuck at home, they'd best stock up on food & such. I felt sorry for the squads having to cover the malls & areas with big grocery stores then - it got pretty hairy at some of them. Some people were simply clearing shelves with no idea of what they were taking; Others were trying to grab all of some parrticular item - all the ground beef, for example. Oh the store owners, managers & clerks tried to reason with people but panic tends to be 'logic proof'. The stations started getting calls for help pretty quickly & it took a lot of officers to calm down these situations as they arose. There were incidents where people simply left with baskets of food, unpaid for; some using guns to force their way out. Some folks got to the checkout & didn't have the cash or the amounts in their bank accounts to cover cheques or debit. Some simply abandoned their stuff & left while others punched outclearks, other customers or tried to hit police officers. We were pulled from downtown a few times as backup.

Our patrol area actually wasn't too bad that first little while. Once people began hearing of local cases, they got a little drunker, a little more stoned, but most were too out of it to cause many problems. A lot of noise, incoherant ranting... that was the extent of most of the problems they caused. The hookers simply melted into the sewers & the night, along with their pimps. The dealers, hard to find anyway at the best fo times; vanished. Don't know how they expected to get resupplied anyway. The street drugs ran out fast & that's when our problems really started. Raving, shivering, sickos - more than I would have expected for this town & as to WHO they were? Well! You'd be surprised. We all had some surprises there. The real problem with that is a lot of withdrawal symptoms aren't far off early signs of smallpox. Had to bring each & every last one of them in to be checked. Not sure what happened to them after that; I expect most died & as they couldn't have been in very good phycial shape to begin with & by nature of being addicts, they were among those most likely to encounter those sick & who were at the stage where the disease could be passed on.

After the first week, most people seemed to have vanished; into their homes & I KNOW a lot left town in spite of blockades & such. Can't hide tracks in the winter too well... Most stores who sold food were out of the obvious things & junk food. It took the liquor stores longer to start seriously being drawn down & with the population starting to get sick, there wasn't a whole lot of drinking going on. There wasn't a whole lot of anything going on outside of peoples' homes. We were having power problems by then & it was tough geting through on the phones although I think that may have been more from overuse than anything else. We were working damned near every waking hour by then, stopping just long enough to wolf down some food & slap some cold water on our faces.

It went to hell in a hand basket pretty early on, in my mind. Even having the Guard activated & some regular force troops didn't help as much as I hoped. Just too much work to do & after a time, we were so busy we got sloppy with masks & gloves. I don't know that being careful would have mattered much. That bioengineered strain justs shoots right through the vaccine in most people. Hope they find some new vaccine before we lose everybody. I lost 3 of my men early in the third week & 2 more the following week. None survived the illness as far as I know. One man simply vanished, deserted if you want to call it that & Harold, an 18 year veteran was too blotto to realize one night that he'd fogotten his Kevlar. Some assh*le took him down for God only knows why. And what could Brian & I do? The kid had guts; did everything I asked of him & more.

The whole force was down to thirteen men by about 10 days ago. The Chief is dead, as are four of the 5 watch supervisors. We have one dispatcher left & I don't she's left headquarters since this whole thing started. There's no gas left, no batteries, not a whole lot left to work with. All the city departments are down to bare bones & beyond that. The mayor did what he could, using us in a way I can only describe as fire fighters. He'd send whoever was around to whatever emergency seemed most urgent at the time. For a time we helped pick up the sick. We picked up bodies. We cleared roads & even, literally, fought fires. We tried to get a feel for where survivors were, although that wasn't easy. AS lot spent most of their time laying low, then when they ran out of food, they died coldly & quietly where ever they were.

There's next to nothing left of the town I grew up in. Oh most THINGS are still here, but as for the people... I'm not entirely sure where the mayor is getting this idea that 3000 will survive. I don't disbelieve him; just wish I had a source for those numbers. I know for a time, fairly early on, I had regular contact with some of the troops in communications at the armory. They never had good news. What we were seeing here was being repeated all over the country & was far worse in many areas; especially the cities. I don't know how the hell we're going to go about getting things back to normal. I think we'll have, over time, invent a new normal. We simply aren't going to have the people left to go back to anything close to what we once had.

I'll leave the philosophizing on those issues to Tom & others with a way better education than mine. All I can really think about is the whole issue of crime from here on in. I dunno, some things seem pretty obvious to me. You don't blast your neighbor with a shotgun because you don't like the look he gave you this morning. You don't take over a neighborhood because you've got the nastiest people with you & the biggest guns - or do you? Who the hell is going to be able to stop them? You don't steal someone's cow or their last row of potatoes.

I think it's going to have to be a question of people, whatever groups they eventually form up into, deciding for themselves what goes or doesn't in their community. Everybody's going to be too busy staying alive to mind anybody's business for them. Yeah, that's going to mean some pretty bad shit goes down; stuff nobody likes to think about or talk about. Kids will be slaves & worse, as will many women. We won't be short of petty tyrannies. But we're just going to have to hope that most people remember the Ten Commandments or whatever reasonable code of conduct they used pre-Outbreak & that if they face some jerk who wants to take over their spot or community; that they have the guts to say no & make it stick.

I don't want to be a police officer anymore; not for a while. I'm not in the mood to describe all I saw, but a lot of it flat out sucked. I saw more death, more tears & more crap than I want to think about. I want to stay home, be with my wife & family & wait for my son to be born. Hell, I don't even really want to be a farmer, but we all have to eat. I suppose I can learn to drive a plough or stone sled or whatever the hell I have to drive. I'm scared to death of horses though; maybe Drew will let me handle the cattle or something; they don't bother me a bit. I'm actually looking forward to seeing calves born, what with Cindy expecting soon. I told Drew that & I'm still not sure why he... giggled is the only word for it. When I asked him he said: "You'll see." I guess I will, it seems like we'll being seeing baby cows or bull or whatever they're called pretty soon.

Anyway, maybe I won't have to do any ploughing, but I'm holding my breath. Drew is trying to figure how much we can plough & plant, how much we need to do. Probably, they'll need me for every bit of it. I can always volunteer to remove stones & put them somewhere else, I guess. We'll see. I'm hoping we can find more animals. A few goats wouldn't be bad, but they're probably all dead. I was always partial to goats' milk anyway.

I'm not sure what's going to happen, but I'm here now. I guess I should talk about last week some; about how we all came to be together before showing up here. What day is it today... Thursday, I think. Anyway Friday, the mayor told us all to go home if we wanted, if we had families to go back to. If not, we were welcome to come back to city hall; a lot of people who're otherwise alone have chosen to do so. He told us at noon, we were free to go. I crashed, must have slept for a good 18 hours. I only woke up because my stomach was touching my backbone... I got cleaned up some & tried to figure out where to go. I knew no one was home; another officer had been by & said the place seemed empty. The house is fine apparently, but empty. It made sense to try Drew's; if anybody was alive there. Tom's was empty to & I was pretty sure someone from that family was alive. Drew has a farm, food & animals for more food & I was pretty sure I'd seen wood smoke from this direction. Trouble was, city hall is a good six miles from here, the roads no longer exist & the weather was pretty putrid.

I spent Saturday morning going around town, getting some clean clothes, a couple of changes of really warm things & got really lucky at the sporting goods store. There was a shipment of freeze dried food in the back, looked to be a shipment that had never been processed. I grabbed what I figured would be about 2 weeks worth - you never know what's going to happen, a small tent & really good sleeping bag; lighters & a bunch of severe weather camping stuff - what I could find. A lot had been taken already. I grabbed 2 pairs of snowshoes; they're not heavy & I had lots of room on my pack frame to tie them to.

I didn't much like the idea of staying to what used to be the roads anyway. You just don't know what's out there & I figured I'd be safer in the woods. I kept my hand gun & grabbed a shotgun. That will keep most people away & if I came across a rabbit or other small game I really had a hankering for, that seemed the smartest way to get it. I forgot water purification pills; but there was no shortage of clean snow to melt.

Saturday afternoon, I ate, then ate again, hauled snow, melted it inside then took the coldest damned bath I've ever had in my life. I spent the evening & night sleeping, eating, resting & thinking.

Sunday morning I was up early & I spent that day just carefully clearing town. I really had no inclination to encounter anyone at that point & the miserable weather made it slow going. I ran into Sarah, Jean & Ashley at around noon on Monday. They were hard to miss with dogs all over the place. Sarah's place was obviously occupied & I "met" them when I turned to find a shot gun damned near shoved up my nose - Jean, although she hadn't a clue how to use it. Never mess with an armed woman, especially when it's clear she doesn't know how to use the freaking thing. She told me to get the hell out of there & I was happy to do just that. It was about an hour later that I heard the dogs. I turned to see a dog team of all things, heading for me with a figure on the back runners waving like a maniac - Sarah.

She pulled up the team about 20 yards from me & just stared at me for a minute. I stared back - had no idea if it was a man or woman, as whoever it was was so bundled up against the weather. I'm not sure who spoke first; I think we both said: "Hi" at once. We went from that awkward start to tripping over each other telling each other who we were, where we were from. Neat, she knows Louise in a vague way from some aerobics classes in the past few years. She explained about her parents' dying leaving her alone with the dogs & a house too big to be practical. I'll let you explain how she encountered Jean & Ashley; that's rightfully her story. She apologized for Jean & explained about the "welcome" I got from her. I'll have to let Jean tell that one.

Anyway, she invited me in for a HOT meal of real food & I met Ashley then, as well as getting to know Jean a little better. After getting cleaned up - again & having our meal, we chatted for quite a long time; trading the highlights or lowlights of our stories. Until Jean & Ashley arrived, Sarah was planning on making a few exploratory runs with her dogs, trying to find a smaller place in which to live; something easier to heat that still had room for her dogs.

I told them about Drew's farm as well as Tom's place & we tentatively agreed to try & get over here, to see who was left & what kind of shape they were in. Sarah & Jean never became ill. Ashley recovered from what Jean thinks was a light case of smallpox. She was a few weeks past the last scabs falling off, so we were content that it wouls be safe enough.

Sarah asked how I'd feel about driving dogs. I'm in fairly good shape & she said she could run me through the basics in a few hours. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I 'lost' the team a few times; you really do need to keep a tight grip on the sled & they tipped me over quite a bit. I swear they were grinning at me, I really do. But I got the hang of it fairly quickly, enough so that we could plan on trying the next day. We got ready what Sarah wanted to bring, as well as Jean & Ashley's things & had a few hot meals as well as a ton of sleep.

We left the day before we arrived here & the first part of the trip was completely uneventful. We didn't rush, having more than enough food & warm sleeping bags to overnight out & I still wasn't 100% convinced I could control the dogs all the time. We encountered Morgan about three hours after we left. I nearly wet my pants. We came around a small hill in some field & there was a man standing there, waving a white sheet. Surrender sign be damned; I lost control of the team grabbing the shotgun.

Morgan wasn't stupid, he dropped the sign & face planted - right into the snow, shouting all the time that he was alone & simply wanting to know how we were. I had Sarah keep him covered with her rifle & walked over to him, checking him out. He told me he had a van a few yards away with some of his things, a couple of rifles & shotguns & that he had a handgun in his front right pocket. He did, on safety too, thank God. We stopped in his van & heard his story & to make my story a little shorter, he decided to join us.

We ran into Mark, Isabelle & David just a few miles further on. We literally stumbled over Isabelle & quickly encountered a loaded for bear, pissed off Mark. It took a few minutes to calm him down but when he did, he called David out & we all introduced ourselves. They were in pretty rough shape, cold & hungry. Mark had been ill with variola, a bad case frfom what he said & judging by the scars he has. He said David & Isabelle had found him when he was looking through buildings for food. They were in rough shape then, absolutely starved & he says... not far from dying from lack of food. He'd had them for several weeks & I thought they were still awfully gaunt looking. He sure looks after them well from what I've seen. I mother tiger wouldn't be as protective.

Alex & Carol flagged us down; A;ex told me later he figured anyone driving a dog team & with kids & women, couldn't be that bad. They too were looking for a place to finish out the winter & for time to decide what to do next.

We ran into Jake last night. We were down in a hollow, getting some cover from the wind & if I do say so myself, I had a pretty cheery fire going. I was trying to entertain the kids by singing an old camp fire song I'd just remembered. I'd been singing a while & trust me, I can't carry a tune in a bucket. I was taking a break when Jake hollered out a hello & said right away it was Jake & was that Joe? Boy, talk about a happy reunion; almost party time. He had Jared with him, had found him a few days previously in a farm house peopled with the dead & was heading for his dad's.

You pretty much know the rest. Jake reminded me that his dad & Sam were likely, if they were here, to be behind closed doors with rifles & shot guns & he expected the same from Drew. We agreed to come up openly & stop at the gate, then start yelling out who we were & who we were looking for.

I've never been so glad to see a front door burst open like that in my life. As soon as I figured it was Cindy, I knew someone was here; probably more than Cindy. And to see Louise almost immediately after that & healthy, was more than I'd hoped for, although I've prayedd like you can't imagine.

I still can't believe all these good people are here, alive, well & planning hard for the next phase; growing our food for next year. I'm still worn right out - policing ain't what it used to be & after several months of so few people willing to talk face to face, it's almost overwhelming to see so many in one room - a warm room I might add.

I hope the next week or two aren't too busy. We all have a lot of catching up to do & a lot more planning. I neeed several more hot baths before I'll feel halfway clean. I need to do a ton of reading & I'm hoping Drew will take me around with him when he sees to the cattle. I need to spend as much time as I can with my wife. God, I didn't know just how much I love her!

So that's my story. Probably too long & still short on details, but I guess the others will fill in some of it. I need to grab Annette & get her away for a few hours if the weather co-operates. There's a couple of things that happened to me that I won't bring up here, but that I need to talk to her about. She's got nothing to be ashamed of & while I know she can't help feeling rotten about what she did... well, there are worse things; trrust me. Jake & I can probably help her some with that & I suspect she's not the only one who's killed people since this miserable mess started.

We'll see.

[CanadaSue]

Hi. Mom said I should practise my writing by putting something in grampa's jernal. Jornal? Whatever. I'm going to talk about all the new peopel we got with us now. It's really neat. Sammy & Timmy were pretty scared when Dad tols us to go downstairs & hidee, but I wasn't worried about it. How come Dad won't let me help look after everyone, with a gun or something?

It was so cool to see uncle Jake again and Joe and David and Ashley and all the other people that came here. Those dogs are neat too. I hope Miss Sarah lets me drive them. It's not hard. Not if uncle Jake can drive one too.

I like everybody sleeping together. It's kind of like going to camp. All of us in the room like that is like having a party every night. I have to tell the little guys to hush up a lot & I think Jar is having lotsof bad dreems. He screemed last night & he crys lots. Dad says he won't do that for long speshly is we play with him lots.

This afternoon, uncle Druw is gonna bring the baby horse out and put that halter thing on his head. He sed he hasta do that so the horse will kno whose boss. Seems kind of small to need a boss but maybe hes gonna grow real fast. His mom is relly relly big. shes waaaay bigger than uncle Druw even.

I want to go sliding off the roof of the barn cause its got snow right up to the roof but I'm not gonna tell cause mom or dad will tell me I could get hert or something like that. No way with all the snow there. Maybe later when everybody is getting ready for supper. Im just gonna try it one time and if its okay Ill tell them I didnt get hurtt and theyll let me do it again. Maybe even Sammy and Timmy and the other guys if someone helps them get up there.

[CanadaSue]

MT again, scribbling a quick entry before I go sit with Greg. I swear, it doesn't matter how often you warn children, how often you caution them about the dangers inherent to activities around here; one of them is bound to NOT listen, if not outright disobey. No one thought it was necessary to tell the children to stay off the barn & shed roofs; I doubt it occured to anyone that such a warning would be necessary, but in retrospect, I suppose we should have done exactly that.

Greg got the notion in his head that climbing on to the barn roof using Drew's old ladder, then sliding off into the snow below it would be harmless, not to mention fun. I expect it would have been relatively harmless, if he'd not forgotten one of the wagons was parked outsidee & right below where he planned to leave the roof. Yes, snow will certainly break your fall but unfortunately, it was too fresh, too soft to prevent Greg's arm being broken as it hit the wooden side of the wagon.

Thank the Lord Morgan was outdoors, having a cigarette before supper. He just caught the last bit of Greg sailing off the roof & rushed over in time to hear him scream. The lad fainted right after that & if Morgan hadn't been right there, we might not have found him until he's smothered in the snow. As it was, there was a frantic few minutes as the men & Max shovelled away snow & wiped Greg's face clear of it & made sure he was breathing. We weren't sure of that for an awful few seconds. Even through his coat, it was clear something was wrong with his arm & Sam carried him straight in to the kitchen, placing him right on the dinner table.

We simply cut his coat off & it's a terrible break. It's not through the skin, thank goodness, but the arm, the left arm; was visibly crooked. Thank goodness for my Annie. She sent Annette for her first aid & medical supplies & thankfully, had enough to do what was needful for now. Greg is small & very young but Anne gave him a small does of morphine by injecction. We were glad of that when he awoke shortly thereafter. Even after the medication took effect, he was white faced with pain & shock.

Annie was terrified. Greg is not only a very little boy but her grand son. No one likes having to treat family, especially when so much is at stake. Tom & Joe very firmly but kindly got Sam & Max out of there. What had to be done next wasn't pleasant & both were on the verge of hysteria anyhow; no matter how calm they usually are. This after all, was their own, small son. The two, with Andy's help, helped them dressed & took them outside to get them as far away as was reasonable. I think they made sure the cattle had water.

Annie waited a little while to see what effect the morphine would have; she'd only given him ten millisomethings, then when he appeared very drowsy; she did her best to set the fracture with Drew's help. That is the most unpleasant thing I've had to listen to in some time. The poor lad let our one unholy shriek, then mercifully, fainted dead away. Anne had to give it a good pull, trying to straighten the bone, although it's hard to tell how well she succeeded. Drew & Jake helpeed a great deal, keeping Greg still & providing the muscle power.

Once Anne was as sure as she could be the bone was set, she gave him another small injection of morphine, then splinted the arm as best she could. She also injected some anti-tetanus; the wagon may have been rusty, as well as some antibiotics. That poor boy is going to feel like a pin cushion. Thankfully, he stayed 'out cold' during all of this & well after. Sarah kept watch over his general condition, his vital signs and his overall state while Jean & I prepared a rollaway cot in Sam & Maxine's room. They'll have to watch him at night & Anne & Sarah will set their alarms to wake every few hours to see how he's doing medically.

When he did was up, we was awfully woozy, but still feeling a great deal of pain. We're all worried sick. A fracture like that is bad news. It can take a long time to heal, may not heal straight & can, Anne told us all, lead to other problems. He could develop an infection where the bone is snapped & she'll be keeping him on antibiotics for a time. He could end up with other medial problems, but Anne didn't elaborate on those.

Needless to say, few felt like eating much supper. We hadn't planned on anything major, Max simply planned on using up leftovers. I spent some time mixing & baking biscuits, more from a need to do something with my hands than out of need. It's sweet to see how quiet the other children are trying to be. They're tip toeing around & whispering rather than speaking.

They've been tripping over themselves trying to be helpful. Those not doing anything are sitting quietly as mice, trying to stay out of the way. Cindy is upstairs with them now, reading them stories to try & settle them down somewhat. I hope they manage to sleep. I doubt any of the adults will sleep well. Even our newcomers have become fond of the children already here & it was hard not to really like Greg. He'd gone out of his way to try & be helpful to our new friends; even going as far as to "find" Morgan a nice windfree corner where he could smoke without bothering us with smoke in the house. He'd offered to help Sarah with the dogs even though I think he's somewhat afraid of dogs. He'd tried to be a true big brother to the new children, especially little David.

Well, I really must get going & take my turn sitting with Greg. I'd best find a few of his favorite books to read to him. I think the pain may keep him awake for some time & listening to favorite stories may distract him. Anne is loathe to give him anymore pain medication. He had two injections already & while he's tolerating them well, she doesn't want to risk him becoming too dopey.

[CanadaSue]

Hear our Prayer, Lord. Let our cry for help come to Thee.
We are ashes, and our cup is filled with tears.
O, Lord! Do not hide your face from us. Lift this agony.
We're all alone. O Lord, we need You near.

Lord, we wither. We are like the evening shadow.
Lord, Your mercy would reveal throughout the years,
to all future generations — a people not yet born —
that You are Lord. Your love is ever near.

Be it written for all future generations:
all else passes, but our God remains the same.
O, Lord — source of all creation! God, You alone endure.
Be with us as we call upon Your name.


Sometime this past night, as he lay mercifully asleep, our Lord called Greg home to Him. I sat with him until midnight & he managed to get through then evening fairly well. Oh he was in pain, but seemed able to tolerate it & assured me, his parents & Anne that he'd be alright without another injection.

Sam was sitting with him when I went to bed & just before dawn, he simply stopped breathing & his little heart stopped beating. It had to have been that way. Sam was sitting near him & saw or heard nothing of any crisis. It seems one moment he was sleeping peacefully & the next he was... gone.

My heart is bitter right now & tears scalding my cheeks. I can find no comfort & have no heart to try. Anne, Tom, Maxine & Sam are almost beside themselves with pain. The children, Sammy, Timmy & Annette are beyond comfort right now & we can do no more than hold them as they weep. Sammy has literally been sick with grief, throwing up every time he tries to so much as drink a small glass of water.

Thank goodness for our friends. As oblivious as I am to much right now, I see the help they're trying to provide. They've done the chores, have cooked meals no one eats & are simply doing their best to get us through this agonizing day.

I can't bear to say anymore right now. God bless you, dear Gregory. May you sit at his side, with your new friends & may your heart be light with eternal joy.

You were SO loved.

And you will be so missed.

Please God, help us all to bear this most personal, terrible burden You've seen fit to bestow upon us. We need Your love now as we never have before.

[CanadaSue]

I don't have much heart for writing what's happened here the last several days, but someone has to; this must be noted. I need to do this, I suppose & Greg deserves to be remembered as best we know how.

MT wrote a bare bones account of his death. We'll never be sure why he died; it may simply have been the shock but Anne suspects a clot of fat dislodged from the marrow where the break was & later, lodged in his heart or brain. Had it been his lungs or another part of his little body, we'd have seen obvious distress. The fact that he simply died in his sleep suggests the heart or brain.

That's no comfort - not to me, his parents or anyone else here. I'm so angry at God; I know that's wrong but I'm only human. The trouble with that is, it makes me wordless in the face of the childrens' questions as to why God saw fit to take Greg from us. I remember all the old sayings; God takes the innocent before they can become corrupted by mans' doings, Only the good die young, Children are only borrowed & not given & God only gives us what we can bear. Well He's certainly stretching that "what we can bear" part.

Sam has been white faced & silent; eating very little & sleeping less. He reminds me of a zombie, wordless, expressionless & slow in his movements. Maxine is having a tremendously difficult time with this. She fainted dead away yesterday morning; I don't think she'd really eaten since Greg died. Oh my Lord, that's so hard to write! Greg died.

Greg died.

It doesn't seem any more real, no matter how often I tell myself that or how often I stare at it written here. I've just blanked out for the past twenty or so minutes. That happens whenever I think of Greg.

Annette has been a real treasure. I can't begin to describe how loving she's been with Sammy & Timmy, with the other children as well. She's been shadowing her mother too, since Maxine fainted, making sure she eats a little bit at least, every few hours. She's tried her best to take over Max's jobs & MT finally had to tell her that she too, needed some rest. She broke down then, telling MT she can't bear to not be doing something, that she's afraid she'll go crazy if she thinks about Greg too much. I doubt that very much, but she must feel especially fragile; to have 2 such momentous & terrible events occuring within such a short span of time. What a terrible trial for all of us, but I fear it may be impacting her the most right now.

MT suddenly looks extrmely old & frail. She's very tired & is spending much of her time sitting with her Bible. She's barely eating herself & I fear for her if she doesn't find some comfort, some source of strength.

Jake & Andy have taken on the task of building a coffin for Greg. We plan on burying him tomorrow before sunset & Drew has, I know already planned where he'll dig the grave site, although he hasn't said a word directly. I hope it's a peaceful, quiet place, a location where we can sit quietly & grieve when we must, remember him when we choose to. But oh, it will be a long time before I can think of the dear boy without my heart aching unbearably.

Jake & Andy... and Cindy are as heartbroken as are Sam & Max. They've been pretty quiet, all of us have & have been working themselves to the bone these last few days. Work brings no comfort, but it helps the merciless string of days pass. I'm not even sure what they'e been doing. I know they've been caring for the animals, keeping the yard cleared & moving manure around. I think Andy has done some work sharpening the plough shares we have. The women have been sewing in a frenzy, repairing those items of clothing not already repaired & making from scratch other items. Somehow, I find I don't care what specifically they're doing, as long as it keeps them out of my way & fills some need.

I can't stand looking at anyone; speaking to them is even more difficult to contemplate. I don't know what to say. I have no words of comfort, no wise advice... not right now & not for anyone. How can I when I can't comfort myself to the least degree?

I'm still too shocked & numb by turns to think much of the effect this is having on individuals save those I've already mentioned. They will in time, probably speak for themselves.

I've spent a very difficult day with Sam, Maxine, the children & MT, planning a funeral. I've written & given eulogies before, some for dear friends, but this... this is impossible. Nothing I can think to say can do such a beloved child justice. Don't get me wrong, he was not perfect. He did his best to avoid school work & could be ruthless with Sammy. But his true nature was that of a kind, caring person. He was bright, just hated school work. I like to think he would have been a fine man to work with animals. Like Annette, he had patience with dumb creatures & since The Outbreak began had shown an increase in real maturity, caring for the younger boys & being pretty patient with them.

It's hard to plan a funeral under these circumstances. We have no flowers, no wreaths, none of the symbols we're so accustomed to. We have no headstone, nor a 'proper' coffin. And oh, God help me; the thought of that precious baby lying under the icy, sharp snow is almost more than I can bear. I know it's not Greg that's there, but still...

Andy told me that he, Jake, Joe & Morgan will carry the coffin from the house after we hold a service here. Andy wishes to speak of Greg fora few minutes & Annette has quietly asked me if she can speak of him as well. I think his brothers , Sammy & young Timmy also wish to say a few words. Jean has told me she used to sing in a competitive choir & will sing a few hymns if Sam & Maxine wish... they do.

Morgan will speak a prayer over the gravesite & the 2 older boys have volunteered to fill in the grave. We'll let them; I don't think any of us who knew him can bear the thought of doing that. Greg told me he buried both his parents & can deal with this; bless the boy.

I'm not sure what else I can say at this point. This is still too raw for me to think of memorializing Greg properly on paper. I have many memories of him I wish to write, to share with his descendants of sorts. Whoever you are, I wish you'd have known him. He was a good boy.

He would have ben a wonderful, honest & true man.

God watch us over all in these next, very difficult 24 hours...

[CanadaSue]

Well, it's done. We've buried Greg. I didn't realize how much I was dreading having to do that. It was miserably tough enough trying to believe he was truly gone, but BURYING him... made it too real.

Yesterday morning was pretty quiet. We all took baths; took much of the morning to heat the water & get everyone & everything cleaned up. The women & kids tidied up what needed cleaning in the house, as quiet a bunch of people as I've been around in a long time. MT is beginning to really worry me. She's very shaky on her legs & needed Alex to help her out of her chair this evening, after pushing a small amount of food around on her plate. The others are all upset, obviously and the immediate family is naturally the most upset. How grateful I am to have our new friends with us. They're doing the thinking for us & 'doing the doing' too. I keep trying to take on fairly smasll jobs & come around to find I've been staring blankly, tears running down my face for any numbers of minutes.

Right, we bathed & dressed in the best clothes we could assemble. We gathered in the front parlor, where Greg lay in his coffin. The boys did a wonderful job on such short notice & Sarah fashioned a lining of some lovely, warm looking material. I don't know how any of us bore it. Sam & Maxine were utterly unable to speak & stood together with their arms around each other, looking as though they were propping each other up. Timmy & Sammy huddled together in front of them, white faced & voiceless as well. MT, we insisted she sit for this & she sat shivering, even with warm sweaters & a lap robe, clutching her Bible closely to her chest. Andy & Jake stood by Sam & Max & everyone else sort of filled the room. I don't rightly recall where they were all positioned.

It fell upon me to give the service, such as it was. It wasn't professional but it was heartfelt. We all recited The Lord's Prayer together & the 23rd Psalm, although it brought no comfort - not at this time. It was at that point that I asked Sam, then Max if they wished to say anything. I think Sam wanted to; he took some time to answer me, his face working terribly all the while, then finally shook his head no. Annette stepped forward & spoke of her brother, how much she loved him & what, specifically she'll miss about him. She turned to Sammy & Timmy & promised to care for them as Greg did; she admitted she couldn't replace a brother but that she'd do what she could. She recited a short poem she'd written about Greg & placed a copy into the casket. I have a copy, I'll write it down some other time.

Timmy, very bravely, said he might not be as big or stong as Greg, but he'd try & be a big brother to Sammy. He almost broke my heart, placing his beloved & much bedraggled "Night Time Bear" in the casket. He wanted Greg to have it, to 'help him sleep better'. Timmy had nothing to say - too shy & fearful of something so solemn & new I suspect, but he placed a little wooden toy Greg had given him in with Greg.

Andy spoke for a good ten minutes, sharing with us some of the "adventures" he'd had with Greg. There was a camping trip last summer where Andy was to teach him to fish & did. All too well it seems, Andy caught nothing but perch while Greg landed a nice 6 pound walleye. Greg offered to keep it a secret that HE'D caught the fish - because he was "too new to be good at this". He made Andy promise to take credit for the catch. Andy also told of a time when he saw Greg rush up to same a smaller child from being pushed off a piece of playground equipment. Greg took quite am pounding for that & Andy said it took a good hour to clean him up. Greg didn't want his parents to know "he'd been fighting", even if it WAS in a good cause. Jake next told us of how once, not long ago, Greg had told him he was a hero of his, because he was a police officer & helped keep people safe. Greg had painstakingly drawn him a special thank you card after he heard Jake was involved in a rather spectacular bank robbery; ending up running down & arresting 2 of the perps.

Morgan spoke for our newcomers, reminding us that none of them had had time to really get to know Greg, but that from what they'd seen so far, they all wished they'd had time to know him better. He expressed everyone's sorrow & sympathy. Jean has a lovely voice. She brought us to tears with a superb rendition of what's always been a favorite of mine - Amazing Grace. She then sang a Catholic hymn Maxine loves, the Ave Maria. Utterly moving.

Alex & Mark then waited until we had a chance to each say our private good byes to Greg, then waiting until we left the room, closed the coffin. Sam stayed with them; I can understand why.

We walked Greg out to the gravesite Drew had prepared then, under the dim light of a cloudy, aging day. I don't think I could have borne harsh sunlight this day. Drew has him near the house, under an old maple which will shade the grave site & give us a quiet place to sit. He told me later he'd put a small fence around the area, when time permits.

Morgan, bless the man. I've been so upset about not having a proper headstone & imagined that later I'd fashion together at least a rough cross. He must have spent long, lonely cold hours in one of the outbuildings but Morgan made the lovliest wooden "headstone" I've ever seen. I wish I could draw. He fashioned a rounded topped "stone" out of a fine piece of maple. On it, as well as the usual name, dates & a simple epitaph; he painstakingly carved the figure of a small boy, sitting in a tree, a few feet out from the trunk on a limb. How on earth could he know that Greg loved to do just that - sit there in the shade on a drowsy summer's day & watch the world go by? It's done like an old fashioned silhouette & is very evocative of Greg at his most carefree. You can almost feel the warm sun & hear the insects buzzing about. We can't place it in the ground yet of course; it's too frozen & would heave badly once spring really arrives. Drew has wired it to the tree; it looks pretty rough but we had to have something there.

We had just arrived at the grave site when a shaft of sun, pale peach & lavender in color, burst forth as the clouds started breaking up. That was pretty & moving for all of us, I think. Sarah read a short prayer she'd written at the grave site, then we all recited The Lord's Prayer one more time. Alex & Mark waited patiently until we were all in the house before beginning the grim job of filling in the grave. Drew went out after a time, to see how they were doing. They both had tears running down their faces but were determined to complete the job they'd assigned themselves.

They worked as quietly as possible, but the clang of shovels hitting small rocks couldn't be completely avoided. After the third such sound, Sam broke down. I left he, Maxine & the remaining children together to mourn privately for as long as they needed. Anne & I took MT to bed while they were in the front room. She was exhausted from emotion & we both felt she needed sleep. Anne had slippeed a mild sedative into her tea, feeling she needed an unbroken night of sleep. Louise & Cindy, with the help of Sarah & Jean, fed the youngsters, entertained them quietly for a while, then bedded them down as well. Somewhere in all that, Drew & Noreen saw to the animals.

We sat quietly in the kitchen, we adults, through what was left of the evening. No one quite knew what to say. We have practical things to discuss but my Lord, it seemed so disrespectful to bring up such mundane matters. It was Maxine that finally broke the ice, as it were. She took a long, shuddering breath & in a weak, faltering voice told us that she knew we were all as heartbroken, as distressed as the immediate family. But life goes on, she continued & we still had to LIVE. We did have things to talk about.

She allowed that she wasn't quite ready to speak of cooking & cattle & community just yet, but was steeling herself to carry on as normally as possible starting in the morning, (today). She told Anne she was exhausted but couldn't sleep; neither could Sam. Could Anne see her way clear to giving them both some sort of light medication to help - just for the one night? Anne could & did.

This morning was as difficult as the last several mornings, but we're struggling to resume the activities which kept us busy before Greg pased on. I am keeping a close eye on MT. This has hit extremely hard & she's not even close to being 'herself'. She forgot Louise's name this morning, then Morgan's. If that continues, we'll really have reason to be concerned.

The children did their usual chores, then Andy offered to take them out for a long walk towards the woods. The temperatures have moderated greatly & they brought some hot chocolate & extra mitts with them. They arrived in time for lunch & almost all napped for a few hours. Drew, once they woke up, took them back out to watch the foal being led outside by his momma for the first time. That was a treat, even under the circumstances & we all at least smiled. He stopped cold at the door & his little eyes widened as much as they possibly could. He stood with his legs braced, as though the very air would be enough to knock him over. It took almost 20 minutes before the mare could coax him out & she finally nudged him out with her great head. Oh was he frightened & excited, all at the same time. He couldn't inhale fast enough to process all the new odors. He was very cautious in the small paddock area Drew has fenced off. He sniffed every inch of fence & most of the ground beneath his feet.

He's a gutsy little fellow though. He checked everything out carefully & didn't bolt until one of the dogs charged up to the fence, barking. That was too much & he bolted right back into the barn. Drew had put a very soft, foal halter on him & he doesn't seem to mind that at all. He's fast asleep at his mother's feet now; too much excitement for a first day probably.

Noreen & Sarah agree the first calves will be starting to arrive within a few days at most. Not having a clue how to tell, I'll take their word for it. Drew told us he'll talk us through an explanation of basic bovine obstetrics - what we're looking at, what's normal & what isn't. He warned us not all cows or calves make it but sometimes an orphaned calf can be matched with a cow who's lost a calf. If there are too many orphaned calves, we'll have to bottle feed them. He also was pretty graphic in explaining what's involved in "helping" a cow deliver a calf that appears to be stuck fast. That's a use for a come along I wasn't aware of & I'm still not sure I want to see that. Sarah, Drew & Noreen know their business & Anne will help. I think it will do her a world of good to help life come into the world after seeing a young life exit so precipitously. Joe is eager to learn & Mark & Alex as well. Annette & Mark will be busy. There are 2 more foals expected any time & one may show up tonight, judging by how restless one of the mares is. Mark will sleep in the barn tonight as Drew suspects this mare is too young to have had a foal before.

Max is right now in the kitchen with Jean, preparing a meal between bouts of tears. I'm staying out of there; women have a knack of comforting each other in ways which escape me. Sam & Mark have taken some snowshoes & have gone for a long walk - Mark's idea. He wants to get a feel for the land & Sam felt better going along with him. I think the outing will help him in some way. I sure hope it does.

Cindy is looking through fabric; I think looking for something she can make up into baby clothes & Louise offered to help her. MT is napping & here I sit.

Sarah is working her dogs, trying to adapt her harnesses for heavier work come spring.

I think I'll pull on my coat & walk up as far as the edge of the woodlot. It's only a few hundred yards, the temperature is mild & my head is pounding. It may give me an appetite for supper.

[CanadaSue]

The last several days have been quite busy & for that, we're grateful. It has stayed fairly warm; just below freezing & with the sun becoming stronger, some of the snow is starting to melt off the roof & the windows are thawing. The warmth has it made it so much easier to get around outside & to do the farm chores. No longer do we have to bundle up to the point we can barely move.

The children have spent much of the day outdoors. They're all quite nervous & tense with Greg's death & its visible effects on his family. Sarah bless her, harnessed up four of her dogs & has taken the younger ones for rides around the property. The dogs needed the exercise & they needed the relief, the laughter & fun. Louise & Sarah helped them gather what eggs we had this morning & showed them something of how to care for the chicken coops. They'll learn to take on that chore with supervision initially then hopefully, on their own.

The foal has been out in the yard again, any number of times & is more curious than nervous now. The weather is much more suitable for babies of any sort & we're beginning to add to their numbers. A second mare had a filly early yesterday morning; VERY early yesterday morning. She's a pretty little thing, a ripe chestnut color with four black lower legs. She's much shyer than the first foal & it's good that the kids have a small bit of experience with that little colt. They understand it's important for little ones to have a quiet, calm start to life.

Drew has reminded the children to feel free to visit the foals, but to stay out of the stalls & fenced area; just to look & pet them gently; if the foals are inclined. Poor kids, they've been terribly inhibited by Greg's death & hardly dare breathe without permission. I hope with the warmer weather & more access to the yard, they'll eventually get swept away wiuth the playing they can do. I'd just as soon they play now while they can - work will be upon us all too soon.

Max & Sam as well as their children are still moving very half heartedly through their days. Of course they are; they've been devastated. All are trying their best to give them some space, some time to mourn. Annette is spending a great deal of time, with MT, making sure she eats, drinks & gets some little walks in, even if it's only in the house. I've asked her to keep an eye out on MT's medications; she's beginning to forget to take them on occasion. Lord, I hope she picks up soon. If we lose her, we lose our soul.

Maxine has simply been making meals & working in the kitchen. In between those jobs, she's spending a great deal of time with her children; especially the younger two. Sam is, as well; when he's not shoveling cow manure & bedding from near the barn to closer to the site for the kitchen garden. He's done nothing but that & see to the children - whatever it takes.

Andy & Jake have also been doing a tremendous amount of yard work, as have all the men, Mark & Alex. Drew wants to use some of the older, rotted manure as fertilizer and... dear, I've forgotten the term - that layer of material which covers the ground, keeps most weeds away & keeps moisture in. It will come to me. There's a tremendous amount of the stuff, certainly enough for the kitchen gardens & perhaps even one or more of the closer fields. So, they've been moving the stuff around, better get it closer now while it's easy enough to drag around & we have the time.

Drew has, in the evening, been working with Noreen & Jean, trying to determine what they'll plant in the kitchen gardens & how much land we'll need to plant there. Obviously, potatoes, carrots, onion, turnips; any crop we can do down in the fall; as well as salad vegetables - lettuce, radish, spring onions. Assuming we have, or can get the seeds; we'll try to plant at least some of everyone's favorites. The children will take care of some of it; each is being given his or her own small plot on which to learn. Any experimentation they wish to do they'll have to do on their "own" land - we can't afford to mess around with the main crops.

Drew has more than enough hay fields & will plant as much cattle corn as we can manage. It may come down to not bothering to plough much, simply hand planting seed, then interplanting squash, pumpkin, cucumbers & other such items. We'll hardly have the time for much weeding, so whatever we plant will have to make it on its own. Our energies will have to be concentrated on feeding people. We need other grains in fairly large quantity as well, wheat, barley, oats - Drew assures me he has a list of what's required & has more than enough seed.

We've got seed potatoes as well; Drew did have quite a few put by & we've put aside quite a bit of what was to be our eating potatoes. We have loads of rice, pasta, can make bread... we'll just appreciate potatoes all that much more when we harvest them again. And how I long for anything fresh, green & crispy - lettuce, cucumbers. We've become so spoiled these last 40 - 50 years. Such items as oranges, bananas & other more exotic fruits may be gone for quite some time.

Drew also explained to me how he resumes operations in the spring. With the wind he has here, the snow melts fairly quickly & this year, much should absorb into the soil. His soil is on the sandy side, which allows him to plant earlier than many other farmers. He used to be able to irrigate later in the summer when the soil dried, but isn't sure what we'll do this year. With the streams & ponds on the property, it will be a matter of moving the water from where it is to where we want it to be.

Once he can turn out the cattle for the summer, usually by early May, they simply need to be checked on every few days for problems & moved from pasture to pasture to allow grazing to replenish itself. There's some nasty work ahead with the male calves, but he told me not to worry about that - yet.

Most of our spring/summer/early fall work will involve caring for crops; planting keeping the sprouts as weed free as we can manage & dealing with kitchen garden items as they come in. The foals will only need a bit of work - they're too young for any real training & we'll free range the chickens, or at least some of them. If we let them all range free, I expect we'll lose an awful lot of those to foxes, cats & people...

Jake & Joe are concerned about others trying to "help themselves" to our animals & crops. We'll have neither the time or energy to properly guard everything, not full time. Sarah is working on that. She has a few dogs she thinks she can train to be guard dogs & she'll be rummaging through our extensive book collection to see if we might have anything that might help. I doubt it, but we're thinking of going back to town, using the dog teams, to pick up quite a few such items we think we'll need. If the main library has no books left, I expect the hgih school library might. Boy, do I miss the Internet. Anyhow, with dogs strategically positioned at night & liable to bark at anything unusual, we'll at least be able to sleep & they'll wake us up. The problem Sarah tells us, will be trying to train them so they don't bark at passing steers & other normal farm inhabitants.

I'd mentioned Mark & Sam had gone for a long walk a few nights ago. I didn't mention they returned with a surprise. I'd mentioned Mark is horse mad, but for riding & draft horses weren't quite his thing. In the fields near a few farms, in a sheltered draw, he & Sam stumbled upon a "herd" of 7 or 8 riding animals. They were able to lead home what Mark tells us is a quarterhorse mare with a week old foal at foot - ery emaciated but alive! They also brought 2 geldings back with the them; the other horses there were still too shy. Most of the horses were delighted to see people & using their belts, Sam & Mark led home the mare & a gelding. Two more followed, a gelding & a yearling colt. They're all very thin, but followed willingly enough. The rest were too weak or simply too shy.

Annette was certainly delighted & Mark was absolutely thrilled. We simply turned them loose in the paddock for the night, save for the mare & foal; a filly, Sarah tells me. They were placed in an empty box stall Drew & Annette had fixed up while they were immured in the barn. Sarah says they're starving, but should be just fine if they get good care. Between Mark & Annette, they'll be loved to death. Poor things.

Mark, Alex & Andy went out yesterday to some local farms, using one of Sarah's dog teams. They were able to find bridles & bits, reins, saddles & saddle blankets as well as extra hoof picks & other paraphernalia Mark says will be useful. It's far too soon to think of addling the horses. They need good food & rest, but the way they are with people, they've been ridden & treated well. Some personal transport will be very useful & Mark swears he can teach even an old fart like me to stay safe on a quiet horse! I'll leave it to Sarah & him to decide what horse is quiet.

There are two small, still fairly fat ponies left with the horses who wouldn't follow. Mark will go back, with Sarah this time & try to coax them to him. If they can catch them & bring them in, we'll even have some horses for the little ones. They can care for them - good responsability & learn to ride on something their size.

That means even more feed to be planted, grown & harvested, but no one is complaining - yet. The horses can 'live off the land' all summer anyway. The animals can be used to check fence lines, crops & cattle. They can be used for tasks a bit too light for the draft animals, thereby saving us the bother of harnessing those beasts & giving them somewhat more rest.

We have no calves yet. Drew says any time now & he & Sarah, with Joe & Annette's help, have been preparing what medications they might need. They've mountedd a few chainfalls - I don't want to know - are encouraging the women to cook up what beef we have already in the freezers. I think Drew is anticipating losing one or more animals & extra freezer room won't hurt. I won't complain. The women have been culling the older poultry & I'm tired or roast chicken, fried chicken, chicken stew & cold chicken plates.

I spent about half an hour, early this morning, by Greg's grave site. The earth is still exposed & looks so raw & dirty. I won't mind seeing some fresh snow, something soft & clean to blanket the grave. It's hard to see as it is. Call me... whatever you want, but I stood out there & "spoke" to him for a time, telling him we were missing him very much but that we were carrying on. I told him about how Sammy is carefully watching Timmy to help him out, keep him out of trouble & to help him learn new things. He was trying to teach him to add yesterday, telling him he needed to learn so he could count the chickens & eggs. It was so sweet. I cried; I did. I cried again telling Greg about it. I'm not sure it helped me much. My heart felt no lighter when I left, but I still felt I was doing something needful; for me, for Greg... I don't know. But what harm can it do?

Young Jared has taken to following me around, very silently. He's barely spoken a word since he joined us but oh, does he WATCH. Something pretty horrendous must have happened to him for he startles at the slightest sound or unexpected sight. Noreen tells me he spends a lot of time sitting in the loft of the cattle barn. He can get up there from outside quite safely & Noreen says he simply sits & looks at the cattle. He doesn't try to get down IN the barn or anything, just sits & watches. Noreen let him know she knew he was there & she didn't mind - as long as he didn't try to get down with the cattle. She offered, when he wished to acompany him if he wanted to get close to a cow. He shook his head no, but maybe we have another budding herdsman on our hands. I'll have to make sure Joe is aware of Jared's apparent interest & see if he can develop some kind of relationship with him.

In the meantime, Jared is almost always behind me; whether I'm walking, looking for a snack or trying to use the outhouse! Initially, he turned away when I noticed him, but doesn't bother to do so anymore. He's still not really responding, but I'm assuming he has some interest in what I'm doing. When I think of it I talk "at him", telling him what I'm doing or preparing to do & some of what I'm thinking. Soon, I'll ask him to "help" me with minor tasks he's capable of doing. I wish I knew his story, but we've yet to resume our evening "story times". We're exhausted, both physically & emotionally by dark fall & we'll need a few more days before we feel like listening to the others.

Morgan is proving to be a real boon. Having spent years in construction & most of the last ten years in plumbing, he's trying to think up ways to run water to the fields & perhaps find easy ways to pipe or pump water to the house. He's already fixed a few windows that seemed permanently sticky & is trying to figure a ducting system that will let some of the heat from the wood stoves & fireplaces travel more freely around the house.

We'd be happy if he could figure a way to water the cattles without the backbreaking work that currently involves. You don't want to know how much water they go through, but we seem to carry over 150 buckets of the danged stuff to the barn daily. Can't do it all at once either, without it freezing so we do it morning & night.

Speaking of night, it is that & I'd best get to bed. Sarah is bunking down in the loft of the cattle barn tonight, along with Annette, in case some of the cows decide to deliver in the wee, small hours. If there's any action, Sarah will send Annette to wake Noreen & possibly Anne. I'd prefer if Anne is permitted to sleep as best she can & as long as possible. I'm convinced she thinks she might have some way prevented Greg's death & it will be some time before she convinces herself otherwise - if ever. Sleep is a great healer.

So, I'll check the barn one last time, then head for our bed.

[CanadaSue]

I don't know what time it; it's pretty late & I think it will be getting light soon. Sarah's asleep at the other end of the loft, but I can't sleep at all. I've been trying since about midnight, but I keep seeing Greg in my head & I don't want to do that right now. So, I'll write something down for the journal & just wait to see if any of the cows are going to have their calves in the next few hours. I think so & Sarah does too. She told me it would kind of be like the horses; they'd get restless & maybe moo a lot; then, when they're ready to deliver, they lie down & get to it. It won't be any messier than the mares & that wasn't bad.

Sarah said with this many cows expecting over the next few weeks, over 60; there will be some problems. Some of the calves may not make it or even some cows. She says we can trick cows into adopting orphan calves if a cow loses her calf, by rubbing her nose with something smelly & rubbing the calf all over with it. That way she's fooled into thinking the calf smells like her & she'll let it drink; no that's 'suckle'. There, got the right word.

If we get some orphans & no extra cows, uncle Drew has bottles for the calves & formula we can mix up. He said it's cute to feed calves the first few times, but I can expect to get tired of it pretty fast. I've seen how often the foals suckle - it seems like every time I turn around they're taking a drink. I expect we'd have to take turns.

With so much snow out there, uncle Drew has kept the pregnant cows that are due any minute now in the barn. The rest, he's turned out into the field right by the barn. We'll check them every few hours & he says any cow that looks like she's going to have a calf, he'll get inside. A cow outside will try to get away by herself he said, but he also said there's so much snow this year, it would be risky. When he gets up this morning, he'll check the ones outside. We have 11 in here now & 5 of them ARE pretty restless; they've been so for hours - most of them. Sarah told me to wake her if one goes down, then we can watch & be ready to help if we have to. Calves can get stuck, especially if their front hooves don't come out first or if they're really big. Then, we'll have to pull them out. Uncle Drew says that takes a lot of muscle & he'd rather I watch, at least for this year.

I love our new foals & the one Mark found & brought back here. They are so sweet & so trusting, even the little one from the field. If you stay really quiet & move slow, they'll let you come right up to them & pet them - usually. Sometimes they're silly, like kittens & let you get so close then turn really fast & run to the other side of the stall or paddock. It's funny. Soon, uncle Drew is going to let me help him train one to be led. He says it's easy, he'll just show me the trick. He's told me I can have one of the 2 foals from here for my very own - whichever one I want! I can't make up my mind which one I want for my own. The little colt is beautiful, but the filly is so shy & sweet. She has the longest eyelashes & I love her black legs. Other than uncle Drew, I'm the only person she lets get close. I'll probably pick her. In a few years, she might have foals of her own. That would be like being a grand mother.

I'm really thrilled that Mark found the riding horses. But the poor things are SO skinny. Mark said we'll have to feed them up & clean them up before we try to do anything else with them. He's going to teach me to ride in exchange for me teaching him how to harness up the teams we'll use on the farm. He says riding at first is kind of scary - you feel like you're so high, but once you get used to it it's the BEST sport going. He says if I get pretty good, he'll teach me to jump, even using these western saddles.

Sammy thinks we're going to be cowboys & use the riding horses to work the cattle. That's funny. I can't see us galloping into a bunch of cattle & roping one of them. Sammy wants to try though. He grabbed an old, thin rope & has been practicing his lassoing. Sarah got really mad at him when she caught him trying to practice using her dogs. I told him he was dead meat if I caught him trying to lasso the cat! He promised he'd stick to fence posts for now & maybe Timmy if he wants to try something moving. He can't even make a proper loop so I don't think we have to worry for a while.

I think spring is almost here. It's been above freezing during the day for a few days & after they checks the cows & do their chores this morning, uncle Drew, Dad & Jake are going to go to the woods & tap some tres for maple sap. Once it starts running, we're going to boil some up for maple sugar - that will be awesome. I LOVE maple syrup. Uncle Drew says it's a lot of work, but I think it's worth it. Jean wants to learn how to do it, so he's going to show her how.

Everybody's been working really hard; I think we're all trying not to think of Greg all the time. It's hard though. I keep turning around & expeccting him there. It's really hard at supper time. Even with all the kids at the table, you see right away that he's NOT there. I miss him so much. I'm crying a lot, but not as much as mom. She's SO sad & dad is so quiet. I keep giving them hugs but that doesn't even make me feel better, so I'm not sure if it's helping them much. Sammy misses him a lot too & he woke up crying last night. I was in the kitchen getting some water & he came down. He was really upset, not because he dreamed of Greg but because in his dream, he couldn't see Greg's face. He asked me if he'd forget what Greg looks like; he's really worried about that. I told him I didn't think so, but we had lots of pictures of Greg we could look at when it doesn't hurt so much & that will help us remember.

Uncle Drew is worried about the fences, if they stayed up okay this winter, but there's way too much snow to tell. It's going to take an awfully long time to melt & I hope we don't get a ton of rain too. We'll be in mud all the time & will have to wait to plant our stuff. It's better if we get it planted sooner than later. Uncle Drew says some things HAVE to be planted early, when it's cool but if there's too much water in the soil, the seeds will rot.

At least we should have enough water to get through the summer, even if it doesn't rain much. Morgan is trying to find a way to pipe water to the fields. The cows will be okay, three of the pastures have either a stream or pond in them. I HATE carrying so much water all the time & it's easy now because we just have to bring in snow & melt it & there's tons of snow. Later, when it's hot, it will be a real pain. The men will be too busy & the kids are too small to walk all that way with pails of water. Morgan is going to fix the eavestroughs & put rain buckets under some openings in them so we can get rain water. He's going to put some on the barn roofs too & if it rains often enough, at least the kids can get water frfom the barrels.

I really miss water from the tap. It tastes better. We've been boiling ours & treating it with bleach. It tastes kind of flat & boring. Who would have thought WATER could be flat? And going to the bathroom isn't fun when you're trying to pee in a pot at night when it's cold or in the outhouse during the day - yuck! It's going to STINK in the summer. Uncle Drew says it won't, but I think it will. And there had better not be spiders in there... ewww!

I'm so sick of this not being able to hop in the shower when I feel grubby & wearing dirty clothes. I HATE not being able to call up my friends & talk even if we're really not talking about anything. I really miss my CDs. I have my Walkman but there's no weay anybody's is going to let me "waste" batteries on that, they say. I don't think it's a waste at all. It's MUSIC & it's so profound.

I wish there was a girl or two my age here. Aunt Cindy, Louise & Sarah are close in age, but not close enough. Mark & Alex are nice, but it's not the same thing, ya know? I try to talk to them & Alex goes quiet & Mark is all red in the face all the time. Honestly, back at home I wouldn't bother with them - they're nice & they're really helping out, but I think they're such DORKS! Morgan is shy, but awfully nice, even if he's old.

I haven't talked to Jean much, she's a little strange, really really touchy about stuff & she WON'T let Ashley out of her sight for more than a minute out of her sight. Sarah is really nice & being a veterinary nurse, she'll be able to teach me a lot about caring for the animals. Her dogs are cool & I think it's pretty neat that she can drive dog teams. I'm not that crazy about dogs; they're okay but I prefer horses. Still, they'll come in really useful & later on, we're going to try & build smaller wagons they can pull. Dad said we can use lawn mower wheels & other wheels like that & we can build wagons. Don't know how we'd steer them; uncle Andy says he'll try to figure that out.

Man! There's just SO much to try & figure out these days. It's kind of scary. I feel like I don't know enough about anything to be really helpful. Almost everybody has said they feel that way & it can be so quiet some evenings & afternoons when the weather is bad. When we're caught up on chores, we all read. We read, read, read; evrything we can about about farming & animals & stuff like that. We're all learning different things & Grand dad thought it was a good idea if have two experts or kind of experts in everything we need to know. He means if someone gets sick & can't work or explain things or worse. I understand that now.

You know, Uncle Drew, mom, dad, all the grownups kept talking about how dangerous life can be on a farm. I knew it, but like, I didn't kniw it? With Greg, God, it was so fast. He was just sliding into a stupid snowbank! What's going to happen when we start doing really dangerous stuff? It's scary to think about. I don't know if we're going to have much time to watch the little kids; maybe MT will & Cindy is going to be pretty big soon. She's really starting to have a big stomach now & she has to pee all the time. I'm scared about when she has her baby & I know mom is too; in case something goes wrong.

I think Gram feels it's her fault Greg died. Like no way! She worked so hard to fix his arm & make sure he wasn't hurting too much. Grand dad explained to me later what they thought had happened & mom couldn't have done anything about that. We don't have any x ray machines or machines to do blood tests or stuff like that... we were just so unlucky. I tried to talk to her about it; I think I kind of know how she feels. I told her & told her, she did her best. She couldn't do more than what she knew how, but I get the feeling she really doesn't believe that. I don't get it, but I hope she convinces herself soon that she did her best & God took care of it His way.

I took a walk yesterday after supper with uncle Jake; he wanted to talk to me about what happened when I shot that poor man. I really didn't want to talk about it, but he insisted. I was pretty shocked when he told us all about those people who were killed, that little boy, then that young girl who died when he was trying to get the gun from her. He said he felt terrible, probably as badly as I did. I guess that's right. Uncle Jake wouldn't want to kill anyone, if he could help it.

We walked for a couple of hours; it was easier talking in the dark & not having to look at Uncle Jake. He said later, he felt the same way about it; that he didn't like having to talk about it & look at anyone when he did. I told him everything that happened, how scared I was & How fast it all happened. I didn't even have time to really think. He told me it's like that sometimes when you work for the polie, that most of the time it's pretty boring but when it gets exciting, it's too fast. I guess he does understand. He keeps trying to tell me I did my best, that I really couldn't have done anything else considering that all I could see was a man coming towards me who wouldn't stop. I suppose he's right, but like I told him, I still feel awful about it.

He told me I always would feel that way, probably; that no one with a conscience can feel good about killing people. He said it's not like tv cop shows, where they blow away bad dudes, then just get on with their day. He said with a good cop, it's NEVER like that. Even bad guys have families who'll cry for them & good policemen & women never forget that. He told me not to try & make up for it either, that it's not the kind of thing you can "make up" for. He said just to try & live my life well, to learn as much as I could, to be a good person & thoughtful of others. I'm not sure what that has to do with me killing that man, but he's older than me & I guess he's seen stuff like this before.

I just wonder what Mark & Alex would think; I haen't told them & I don't know if anyone else has. Maybe that's why they're nervous around me? I dunno. The little kids are gonna freak when they're older & realize what I did. But maybe by then I'll have a better way to explain what happened - I dunno & I don't want to think about that right now. We're not having a good time of it lately & thinking about it all just makes it worse.

It's getting pretty light out now; I'd better make a trip to the outhouse & check the cows. If they're okay, I'll go in & start coffee. Bet Sarah would love to wake up to the smell of hot coffee.

[CanadaSue]

I'm on a designated 'rest break' right now, until about 9 tonight. I thought I'd write a little before I go in & enjoy some fine steaks. The women went all out tonight; egg noodles, steak, biscuits & gravy, string beans & carrots with just a touch of cinnamon sugar on them - nice! For dessert, apple & pumpkin pie. No real reason to do up such a fine meal, other than to satisfy appetites made sharp by hard work.

It's really warming up now & the snow is starting to melt away. There's a fairly strong wind blowing & it's taking away a lot of snow on its own. The fences are starting to reappear & water is drip, dripping until well after sunset. It's wonderful to find a sunny spot in the lea of the wind & turn your face to the sun - you can feel the warmth now.

In spite of our terrible loss, it's hard to to feel spirits lighten with the return of more reasonable weather. Oh we'll get more storms yet & cold, but winter's back is broken. The children are full of energy & I had them widening the path from the horse barn & outhouse to the porch today; not that the sun won't do it, but I hope it will keep some of the mud out of the house & it kept the kids out of the way for a time. They'll sleep well tonight. They also brought in several days worth of firewood & clean snow to melt for tonight's baths.

The women are delighted to be able to open the windows & give the place a good airing. With so many people in the house, it doesn't take much for it to get stuffy. For 2 days in a row, they'e been able to open every window & that gave them a chance to clean out the grotty junk that tends to accumulate in the old window frames. Joe went around the house & knocked off the huge icicles forming under the eaves - we'd hate to be thumped by one of those. Some were getting on to 3 feet long.

Drew had most of us, the men; out in the yard working with the horses. He demonstrated how to harness them & we all had a try, first as a group then alone. Boy, do we have a lot to learn & thank goodness the horses are so patient. Isabelle stood in front of the team we used, feeding them shrivelled carrots & apple sections - keeping them motivated as it were. Actually, once you've fumbled your way through what each piece of harness does & how it's assembled, it's not too difficult, just takes practice. Drew pointed out spots we'll have to watch on the horses, areas where rubbing can lead to nasty sores. We'll have 2 teams to work with as long as we don't mind having a foal underfoot! Drew & Mark took a good look at the gelding, assessing his potential as a plough horse. Mark's not thrilled with the idea, but we can make up a third team for later in the summer if we can train the animal to work under harness. He's too thin now & we have no idea of what sort of work he's used to as a riding animal, but Mark has bridled & bitted the horses he brought back & they all are used to a bit. Gives us a good head start.

Once we figured we had a tenuous grip on harnessing, we gae the horses a break & stopped for lunch. Drew barely had time to eat, preferring to give us lots of advice & warnings about working with ploughs. He admitted most of this "advice" is second hand. He played with a horse drawn plough as a youngster, but has no experience to speak of. Obviously, a plough is out of the question right now, so we practiced driving the sleigh. That at least, gave us a feel for the teams & what pulling each rein does. It's a start. As soon as we have the least strip of land bare & dry enough to practice ploughing for real, we'll do so.

Joe is absolutely hopeless around the horses. He's so nervous, they're picking up on it, so Drew 'excused' him from working with the horses. He's quite happy to learn 'Dog Teams 101' & to work with Sarah. She already has him driving a team & will next teach him how to harness a yard full of yipping, bouncing, energetic dogs. She says he has the "command presence" needed to make an impression on them. Sarah is also training 4 of her lead dogs to obey choke chains - that is, doing simple obedience training with them. Heel, sit, stay, etc. She figures if she combines the harness with a choke chain, one of the children can "walk" each team as they pull the stone sled or the wagons Andy & Morgan are trying to figure out. The sole problem there will consist of giving the lead dogs plenty of room, leash or not. They are very much the alpha dogs & as is needed, must turn back & growl, bark or snap at the dogs behind them. More new problems to figure out.

We now has 6 new calves & so far thankfully, no problems. One needed to be pulled out & Joe came in looking pretty green after helping with that. He didn't eat much supper - that was yesterday afternoon. The calves are already out with their moms & 11 new cows have joined those in the barn. Noreen, Sarah & Annette are handling the supervision of the cows as they give birth with Noreen & Sarah giving the calves the medications they get when born; whatever those are. It would be great if all the cows are done by a week or so from now but Drew says it's never that easy. He puts the bull out with them for 2 months & says there's always at least 1 late calf.

Cindy & Louise have been starting tomato plants as well as cucumbers & other vegetables which require an early start. That's required shifting rooms around again - something Drew apologizes for not thinking about. Heck, we've had enough to ponder. The best room for seed starting is right over the kitchen annex. It has windows on three sides, making it well lit & being over the kitchen, is warm. That's the room the boys were using as their dormitory & we've simply put them wherever there's room for now. Sammy & Timmy are bunking down in their 'front room', Jared is in with Anne & David chose to join Morgan in his little attic room. The kids at least, think this is a great adventure. We're late getting that stuff started, but better late than never & Noreen reminded us that sometimes it's best to get them out a bit on the late side, to be sure of warmer weather.

The kids find the whole idea fascinating & there has to be a kid checking for sprouts every half hour or so. Speaking of sprouts, some were started as well, simply to give us some greens or "whites" for variety & vitamins. Cindy offered to be in charge of seedlings & Ashley wants to help her water the starters as needed.

Morgan has been measuring the roof lines as best he can, getting a rough idea of how much eavestroughing he'll need. We're waiting until it drops below freezing for a few days, then we'll make another run to the feed/supply store. Drew's pretty sure he saw some out back in the warehouse. It's a quick trip with no real concern left about authorities trying to stop us & it will give us a chance to grab more items we may need. Rain barrels we have a-plenty.

Our 'sugar bush' is, happily, doing well. Drew says by tomorrow morning, we'll have enough sap to start boiling some off. Sam & Jake went out to the general area & dragged in deadfalls with which to light the fire they'll need for boiling the sap. They'll start the fires tomorrow morning & later today, will drag out a metal grill on which to rest a humungous kettle. We've been scrubbing that puppy for days, making sure all the rust is out. We really need some stainless steel kettles. The restaurants in town probably have some in their kitchens. Drew promised maple syrup by tomorrow evening & Maxine will make some sweet biscuits. I promised to make pancakes for the morning after next.

I still find much of my mind remains on Greg & I worry myself sick about Sam, Maxine & MT, not to mention Anne. Anne is really down in the dumps & I'm desperately trying to think of some way to bring back the spark in her. MT is failing & I pray we don't have to bury another family member. She's told me she wants to see spring flowers again - just once, but won't talk about anything past late spring. I don't know if we can bear it. Her memory seems to be fading & she spends much of her time these days remembering the past & talking about it. It breaks my heart to listen for I fear what it may mean to me, to us all. She's so frail now though & needs help to do many things. Perhaps I'm being selfish. It may be her time to go home to God & if so, that's the way it will be. But oh my, how will Anne bear it?

The children continue, for the most part,t to be pretty thoughtful of us all; those of us who feel the loss of Greg the most - his family. Our only 2 behavior problems arte Jared & Isabelle. Jared still isn't speaking & Sam isn't getting anywhere with him. He's still shadowing me & Sam has told me to be patient, to continue speaking to him as I think of it & to be very cautious. Something serious has robbed that young man of trust & we must treat him very carefully. He alternates between a thousand yard stare & looking like a deer caught in headlights. With Isabelle, it's that damned kitten - Spunky. It's only a few weeks old but she seems to have named it properly. It's already decided Isabelle is it's person. Momma cat allows Isabelle to carry it around the barn & since yesterday we keep finding Spunky 'hidden' in the house. Usually we know to look for her when Momma cat chows up demanding the return of her kitten. We kep telling Isabelle Spunky will be a working cat, but she refuses to "hear" us. Maybe she needs a pet right now; we'll play that one by ear.

Well Louise has just announced supper & I'm starving. Time to eat then take a nap before spelling ASnnette on birth watch for calves.

God bless us all...

[CanadaSue]

My, it's nice knowing we don't have a huge day ahead of us tomorrow. I've just wrapped up a family meeting with the entire group & knowing we have months of back breaking months ahead of us, we've declared the next three days a long weekend. Other than caring for the animals, cooking meals & doing what work is absolutely necessary, we're all going to rest & try to do enjoyable things. We need the break after the months of excess, extreme emotions we've all been through. I get to sleep in tomorrow! So, I can stay up for a time & catch up this journal properly.

It's been a harrowing period of months & all, especially the children, were delighted to be told the next few days will be somewhat of a holiday. The women have been told to limit their efforts in the kitchen to leftovers & easy to prepare items. Laundry & hoiusework can wait. The weather is mild & looks to be staying that way for a few days, so we'll spend time outdoors; making snowmen, snowball fights & walking around where we can do so without getting too wet.

Drew & I had been speaking & I'm not sure which of us came up with the idea of a long weekend - probably Drew. We were discussing where we stand in terms of preparation for planting, etc. & how much time remains before we can work the soil. We agreed all were burned out, especially after Greg's passing away. We can't continue to work our way through our grief; we all need time to reflect & perhaps speak to each other on how we feel, how we're doing these days. Early this morning, Drew told everyone we'd have an early supper, then spend an evening talking about what comes next; the timeline & who'll do what. Those with specific areas of expertise were asked to let us know as a group, how things are progressing in their "fields", what they'd like to do next & what help they may need. We'll also clearly determine who will be in charge of what areas of endeavor - more efficient that way.

And so, shortly after supper, we got together & had a long family meeting. Everybody looks so worn down & I'm glad Drew saw so clearly what I could not - that we need a break. We began by telling everyone of the impromptu holiday - that lightened more than a few faces. Drew asked if he could open the meeting by reminding everyone of the amount & nature of property we have to work with; where we are in terms of preparatory work & what comes next.

Effectively, the house has seventeen real rooms, most of which we're now using either as living quarters or storage spaces. We have 5 more or less operable kitchens though for now, we're using the main farmhouse kitchen. It has 3 indoor toilets, which are all in full bathrooms. The bathrooms are being used mainly for washing & baths. The house is in reasonably good repair, but will need some work this year. The house sits on about 20 acres of 'farm yard'; land which is fenced off & which contains the main outbuildings, 2 working wells, two outhouses, 2 small paddocks & 12 acres which we'll be using for our main eating gardens & other tasks. The paddock off the cow barn leads to a 40 acre pasture which, in turn, can access 3 others equally large or bigger. He rotates his cattle through these pastures as weather & conditions permit. He has or had, hundreds of acres under cultivation but this year we'll be lucky to plant & maintain 250 acres or so & some of the maintanence will be rough indeed!

He has a 40 acre wood lot, mixed trees for the most part, from which we get firewood & run the maple bush. Another, smaller wood lot he leaves pretty much alone, leaving it to the deer & small game. Well to the back of his property, he has 25 or so acres of swamp bordered by scrub. That's full of deer too & will provided good hunting. A long established beaver dam helps regulate the amount of water running into a large pond or small lake, about 3.5 acres in size. It's full of pan fish we can catch & Drew says it's safe enoiugh for swimming. He has another creek fed pond which tends to be more seasonal. Early in the summer, it's really nice for swimming & is only one field over. The stream which drains it crosses the road through a drainage tunnel & runs through a large pasture Drew owns right across the road. It's his main summer pasture as he has water worries most years & any problems are readily visible from the house.

This summer, Drew suggests we make do with the house as it is, save for any emergency repairs. He repeated the welcome he & Noreen offered our newcomers - if they wish to stay with us, we're happy to have them join our family. Should some decided, in the fall, to live separately, Drew will help them pick homes nearby from other, empty farms, if they wish.

All adults, those 14 & over, are to be equal partners in this community. There's work enough for all, support for all & there's strength in numbers. Drew said he's convinced that with much hard work, good planning & more than a bit of luck, we should be able to plant & harvest all we need for our own table & to feed the animals we have & may aquire. We'll be able to put aside seed for next year & currently, Drew says we have more seed than we need for one growing season.

In terms of animals, we have the 5 draft horses & now... THREE foals. No more foals expected & with a colt among them, future breeding should be taken care of. 4 of the animals seem well trained. The younger colt needs a bit more time & Drew & Mark can train up the quarterhorse gelding, we may have a third team for farm work. The horses, both the draft horses & the riding animals Mark & Sam found, are recovering well from a hard winter. Minor cuts, scrtaches & infections are healing & the animals seem to trust us. The adults are being strict with the children when it comes to the animals, They're vital to our success & there's to be no 'messing around' with them. In terms of the horses, that means not approaching them without an adult present & making sure movements are slow, deliberate & above all, calm & quiet. Mark's horses are eating up a storm & visibly improving in condition. He did get those 2 ponies home, so we now have those, the mare with foal at heel & the 2 geldings. Mark thinks the mare & one of the geldings are quarter horses or quarter horse crosses. The other gelding has some thoroughbred in him - to me he appears huge & thing in comparison to the others. The ponies? Who knows. They're young enough Jean says & reasonably calm although she says with feeding, that may change. Ponies can be tricky. So in horses now, we have 8 full grown adults, the 2 ponies & 4 foals. Mark & Annette will have their hands full. We have 64 cows, 17 of them now with calves at foot. No orphans yet, thank goodness. Drew also has 7 young steers - meat for this year & next, as well as possible trade items. We had more but had a problem a few days back - one which normally would have merited first mention here, but which took a back seat to Greg. They managed to break through part of the paddock fence & took off some time during a mild night earlier in the week. Thank God, most of the cattle stayed close to the barn. We lost quite a few cattle & weren't able to track them farther than a few miles. We found 2 dead which had been killed by animals - feral dogs, Drew thinks. 6 he found frozen to death & the rest have simply vanished. We found some snow shoe tracks & are assuming that some were 'appropriated' by other survivors. In principle, that's fine right now. We had far more than we could easily see to or need, but we'll have to be very careful in the future. We're down to about 60 hens & 2 roosters. The cold took a heavy toll on Drew's poultry & we're glad it's warming up. We collect roughly 4 dozen eggs a day & what doesn't get used in cooking Sarah uses in her dog feed mixes.

Now for planting, Drew estimates we have another three weeks & crossed fingers before we can hope to start working the land. Too many factors are at play; temperatures, rate of melt, any rain we get & runoff. We don't know what shape regional storm sewers are in & down the west side, along the road, the land is lowlying. If drainage ditches are fouled, the land will flood a bit & delay planting.

Drew plans on sowing wheat, oats, barley, human & cattle corn, canola, soybeans & rye. He'll have smaller quantities of beand we can dry, sorghum & perhaps lentils. He'll put potaoes & other root vegetables in a field close to the house - those vegetables which will be our mainstay next winter. We need to be sure we plant plenty of vegetables we can can & other wise preserve next year.

Nearer the house, the kitchen garden will have the usual things & Noreen's small herb garden will be left strictly alone. We have plenty of dried & boxed herbs from the grocery stores & want to ensure we allow those Noreen has planted to multiply - that may be the mainstay of our future herb supply for some years. MT has volunteered to research herbs we may grow successfully here that we simply haven't thought of.

Each of the children will be given a tiny patch of land; perhaps 3 square feet, as their own gardens. That's where they can do any experimentation they're determined to carry out & will help keep our main crops safe from little hands & big imaginations! The kids will have plantry to keep them occupied in any case, so any bigger pieces of land might prove too discouraging.

We have firewood for at least the next winter, cut, dried & well seasoned wood. Drew says that between the 2 wood lots & the swamp, we can simply by dragging out deadfalls & storm downed trees. Not too far away is a larger wood, government land that we can obtain wood frrom if it becomes necessary.

In terms of areas of responsability, we've determined to do it the following way, after much discussion. Drew is our unquestionable farming expert - he & Noreen. He'll "run" the farm, making all the crucial decisions about land use, what's planted - when & where. He'll train up & supervise our labor force. Noreen will serve as his main assistant. Jean, being our resident veterinary nurse, will assume responsability for overseeing the use & care of the animals; even Sarah's dogs although that generated some heated discussion betwen the 2 of them! Morgan will handle all repairs to the house, outbuildings & fences & hopefully, be our main innovator of new items & systems, which will make our life easier. Maxine is in charge of food production, processing, preparation & storage. She'll manage the freezers in season, the freezer logs & the root cellars & cold rooms.

Sarah will train up her dogs, supervise the others as they work with them & train up some of our crowd in how to harness & run dog teams. As an expert seamstress, she'll also handle clothing production & repair. Jake will maintain the machinery as best he can. Joe wants to train himself up to care for the cattle. Mark is our best bet with the horses. His mother owned & trained several different breeds & Mark's been riding since before he could walk. Alex says he's not sure what he's going to end up liking, so will serve as general labor for now; over & above what the rest of us will do.


Anne will be our resident medical authority - for people & will help Noreen with the herb garden; she hopes to incorporate some medicainal herbs into her health supplies. Sam also prefers to serve as general labor before picking a new field to become a pro in. We'll certainly find use for his skills as a psychologist! Andy is general labor & in "spare" time, wants to see what we can do for alternative sources of electricity.

Cindy offered to "run the house", at least until she's too big & close to her time for that to work. She'll supervise the kids as they clean & with help, will do the laundry & all that stuff women seem to find to do in the house. Louise will "run the yard", keeping it reasonably clean, critter free & do what's needed to keep the outhouses from smelling too badly. She'll also spend a lot of time helping Cindy's who also helping Sarah with clothing maintenance.

MT will be 'reisdent granny' to all the little ones; bandaging small cuts, drying tears, calming fears & reader of stories. She'll serve as a source of advice & inspiration for us all. Annette wants to learn as much as she can about the animals, how to care for them properly. Mark will happily help her learn about horses & if she & Jean can overcome the mutual antipathy they seem to have developed, I'm sure Jean has much to teach her. I'm not sure what it is between those 2, but they sure don't seem to like each other.

Even the children have chores. Ashley, Carol & Isabelle will feed & water the horse, closely watched by adults, maintain their gardens & keep the front room, hallways & front porch tidy. Sammy, Timmy & David will feed, water & muck the chickens, (with much help!), & collect eggs.

As for me, I'm dedveloping into a half decent leather worker - that will be MY baby. Between learning that trade & making sure the kids are getting some kind of an education, I'll keep busy enough. Jared is still sticking to me like glue & we'll slowly get him helping me. He's willing enough to work - but still not saying a word to anyone, not a one.

All of us of course realize that once it's time to work the land, areas of specialty come second to getting the real work done - ploughing, disking, harrowing - whatever Drew deems necessary, then planting. Our specialty areas will be worked on as needed & otherwise, around the main summer jobs. Noreen made sure everyone was clear on that; not that I think it really needed saying.

Goodness, intentions to catch up or not, I'm drifting off here. Perhaps it's best that I head for bed & continue this tomorrow. If the weather holds, I may even sit on the porch & write there.

[CanadaSue]

A fine, warm morning here & I've been able to keep my promise to myself to write this out on the porch. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the wind is just the tiniest breeze & the thermometer is registering almost 50 degrees. I'm propped back on a chair, feet on the rail & my jacket open. If I lean to the right, I can see a squad of kids running through the snow having a ball by the looks of things. Oh oh, the war should start soon, Joe & Jake are sneaking up on them with snowballs!

DC for "Damned Cat" & Spunky & whatever the other is called, Sparky I think - yeah, that's it, are curled up in an old laundry basket right beside me. DC stirs herself only to clap a paw on straying kittens. They're old enough to almost look like cats now. Their eyes are open, their ears somewhat larger than a comma & their tails are inch long stubs. Sparky is a nice orange tabby color & Spunky looks like Momma, a thickly furred coal black wildling. Having lived in the barn so far, they're having no problems with warm sunshine & soft breezes

Mark & Annette have turned the horses out into our little corral & they're hanging off the fence watching the foals & younger geldings play. It's even making Annette laugh once in a while watching the foals. Silly little buggers! They'll dash up to one of the bigger horses, stop dead, then squealing in mock fright, wheel around & dash back behind momma at full speed. Then, they peek around the mares' flanks to see what reaction they're getting. The older horses look terribly unimpressed. I swear they have smug, superior smirks on their faces.

There, the war is on. The first volley of snowballs has been launched & the kids are retaliating. But they have help coming too. Andy is crouched down behind the side of the porch here, making snowballs as fast as he can. The other 2 idiots haven't spotted him yet.

MT is reading her Bible & we've promised her a good, long soak in a hot bath later today. Maxine is doing that right now. Cindy is dreaming over old baby clothes & Louise is curled up with an old copy of Little House on the Prairie. With a twinkle in her eye, she promised me she wasn't "studying"... I guess not. She's confessed before to still re-reading childrens' books, especially the classics. Anne & Noreen are off walking in the woods using the snowshoes. It's still pretty deep in there. Sarah & Alex went on a long walk too, down the road. They brought sandwiches with them & promised to be back for supper. Not sure how afr they plan to go, but they promised it wouldn't be too far; they'd probably just make large circles in the snow!

What a perfect day for doing not very much. When I don't feel rushed for time, doing this journal is fun, not work. We've already filled a 2 inch binder as we'vce included copies of Drew's land boundaries - property maps as it were & the kids have also done drawings they insisted be included. I had mentioned planning on sleeping in this morning. What a time for the 2 roosters to pick to get into a crowing match. I lay there listening to the fools for about 10 minutes, wondering how anyone could possibly sleep through that when peals of laughter from Joe & Cindy's room proved I wasn't the only one awake. Most of us were & the others soon followed. We had a ncie big pancake breakfast & got through the morning chores as quickly as we could. We're up to 28 calves now & Drew hopes we can soon put them out on one of his higher, drier pastures. All we'd have to do then is hay them & make sure they can safely reach the water tubs. We'll put out a salt lick & just be prepared to bring them back in if the weather turns.

I'm not sure what plans anyone has for the afternoon. I know Mark & Annette want to lead the horses around the yard, one at a time. They want an idea of how quiet the riding horses are & Mark wants an idea of how they move - whatever that means. He also wants to get bridle the ponies & get on them; see how they react. He's heavy enough so that if they decide to buck, they'll have a time getting him off & should he fall, it's not far to the ground. The back of the biggest one only comes up to my waist - or what's left of it.

Now that I think about it, there's quite a bit of my waist back. I've lost about 25 pounds. Anne says I've trimmed down more than that, but I've put on muscle so there's less weight loss than you'd imagine. I know I've taken my belt in 2 notches though & my butt is looking baggy. We're ALL looking physically better in different ways. All the women claim they've lost weight, except for Cindy of course. The men are muscling up & Drew promises they'll tone up a lot more by then end of the growing season.

The kids are growing like weeds - ours are anyway. Sammy has put on a few pounds & Anne is making a point she tells me, of weighing them every few months from now on. We've always weighed our kids & measured them at the start & end of summer, birthdays & whenever they ask. It's a good idea to keep track of their growth this year. We'll have to be thinking about winter clothes & making sure the kids have enough to fit. We'll also need many, many pairs of good boots, hats, gloves & all that. Amazing how kids go through those.

I should go on with the details of our meeting the night before last. Drew clarified his plans for the next few months for everybody. As I said yesterday, he'd love to start planting in 3 or so weeks, but says that can start any time from three to six weeks from now. Before that, he'll be spending a fair bit of time working with the horses & teaching everybody strong enough to handle a plough how to work the teams. That will include myself, Anne, all the adults save Joe & Cindy; Annette & the 2 teen boys. The women may not be able to work as long as the men, but the more often we can spell each other off, especially at first, the better. It will be safer as anyone is more prone to making mistakes when they're exhausted.

Drew has determined what crops will go in what fields, but is keeping open the number of acres we'll plant, He says he knows what he'd LIKE to plant, but that will depend how it goes, how quickly we learn & what problems we run into. He has five metal ploughshares in good condition & has asked Morgan to fashion replacement plough parts from wood. He's asked me to concentrate on preparing spare harness straps & such.

Before we plough the main fields, we'll prepare the few aacres around the house & get the house crops planted. By house crops, I mean those vegetables we'll want for eating & to can for the winter. We'll have salad items, peppers, tomatoes, all the sorely missed goodies; beans, string beans... yum! Puting that garden in will give us practice for planting the main crops.

Drew ended by saying that until well past the next freeze up, we'd all be working - He went on to say we will have time to relax, but not on any regular schedule. Initially we'll turn over the land & smooth it down, ready to recieve seed. We'll seed by hand & Morgan reminded us of that little gadget K Tel or someone marketed some years back. You put your seeds in the top; it's a small plastic container, then spin a handle & your seeds are broadcast fairly evenly over the field. Something else to add to the shopping list.

He says once sedlings are well established we'll weed only enough to keep weeds from overpowering the plants & using up too much water. The word I was looking for a while back? Mulching. He says we'll mulch as much as can, certainly the kitchen garden & the potato fields. Come fall, the mulch can be turned in to the ground.

The cattle, once they can be left out in the field, can be counted on to see to themselves. They'll have be looked at daily, just to make sure there are no real problems but they'll be fine other than that. The fences will have to be inspected regularly too. Drew concluded by saying while there was lots of hard work ahead, we weren't having to reinvent the wheel & barring unforseen disaster, should enjoy a decent crop.

Noreen spoke next, beginning by saying she was looking forward to the resumption of hearing everyone's story; we'll start that tonight & that after months of being on her own with Drew & terrified, she was glad to see us all. Not to worry she added, she'd grown up in a large family & the house was happiest when filled. She re-affirmed Drew's words that the work would be hard, but do-able & that with this crowd, it would no doubt get done. She offered to teach anyone any skills they feel they need.

We asked Jean to speak next, to talk to us about the animals. Surprisingly, she bagan by apologizing for what she's interpreting as rude behavior on her part. She stated briefly that she's had some very unpleasent experiences until finding her way here, experiences she'll discuss this evening, but that yes, it HAD affected her behavior. She even apologized publicly to Annette saying Annette had done nothing wrong, but that again, her telling of events would explain that. She went on to talk about our animals.

The cattle are fine & calving is going well. She's hoping most of the 44 cows still with calf calve soon. She's pleased at how well the horses are doing - all of them. They're eating well, putting on weight & those who had various injuries are recovering nicely. The foals are healthy & she gave Mark the go ahead to start working 2 of the horses with a saddle; the older gelding & the mare with foal at foot. He can start getting the ponies into shape too. Mark & Annette were delighted with that & we had to take a few minutes to calm the younger ones. Most of them were insisting on Mark teaching them to ride as quickly as they could. That will have to wait, I'm afraid, but maybe not for long. The dogs are healthy U& she complimented Sarah on the good care she's been giving them. Hens were hens she snickered & as long as they were scratching, eating & laying the way they are, we should have no problems.

Morgan spoke next, telling us he'll soon be ready to put eaves troughing up around the roof lines of the house & the barns. He's found some barrels & will caulk them up & drill holes for spigots. He hopes to get a rain water system ready to go within a few weeks. It sounds like good timing - we'll not have snow to melt much longer & that reminded me that we should refill all our water barrels while we can. Morgan plans to work on the barns as well, replacing some rotting boards & building a few more box stalls for the horses over the winter.

Sarah says she's having problems trying to train the dogs to work on a leash, but that will come with time. They are going to be fine working with the stone sleds she thinks, if only because it will be heavily loaded quickly. She's still trying to determine how best to teach some of them to be guard dogs. On the sewing front, she says all should find they have sufficient clothes in good repair to take us through planting time. She'd love some iron on patches though, for quick & dirty temporary repairs.

I spoke next, telling Drew I'd be able to outfit him with enough straps, etc. to replace all sets of harness 5 times over if need be. I'd like more leather though & perhaps I should start reading up on tanning, just in case. We have plenty of raw material on the hoof. I warned the kids they'd all be doing several hours a day of school work until we get working in the fields. I have lesson plans of a sort for all of them & MT will hekp supervise the work. They weren't thrilled to hear that.

Anne asked to speak next & Anne being Anne, she tackled the difficult thing first. She spoke briefly about Greg's death - how she's determined it was probably a blood clot which eventually killed him. She tried to apologize again but none of us would hear of it. There is no way on God's green earth she could have prevented that. She mentioned her major concern now is accidents, obviously & becoming sick from eating bad food or drinking untreated water. She explained to the children they must NOT drink water which comes from anywhere but the house. She reminded them that any food item they open which "smells funny" must be checked by an adult before they eat it.

Jake stated that as far as he can tell, the old ploughs simply need a bit of oiling & he's sanding off rough spots. The disk is almost ready for the fields & chainfalls as well as other barn & yard equipment seems to be in good working order. He implored everybody to treat tools & machinery well, to prevent 'down time' we can't afford.

Cindy & Louise shared the floor, telling us that while we're planting, we were to try & keep as much dirt & mud out of the house as we could, to save on laundry. We're to wear our field clothing until it's standing by itself, then hang it on a line they'll have strung. Dirt is to beaten out as much as possible before the stuff gets washed. Cindy reminded the kids to pick up after themseles - always. She's starting to find it hard to bend over & get back up! Louise asked if there was gravel to spare anywhere on the farm, suggesting that laying gravel or stone chips on the path to the front door would cut down on dirt coming in. Good point & Drew will check the back sheds for any extra which might be there.

Maxine spoke briefly, saying that for the next few weeks, she'd be doing her best to empty the freezers as we have no way of keeping food frozen once the snow banked around the freezers melts completely. Come work time, we'll be eating more fresh poultry & she'll be learning to salt down meat. She mentioned that we may not, as it stands, have enough jars for canning. Good point.

That pretty much summed it up for "state of the union" speeches. Young Carol asked for the floor with an idea she had. She says at her school, in her class last year; when the kids were sitting in a circle having discussions, the teacher used the "stick rule". She had a large stick, brightly painted & no person was allowed to speak unless they were holding the 'Speaking Stick'. Might that be useful here? Out of the mouths of babes... Morgan grinned & said before the weekend was out, we'd have a sanded stick ready for use & would the kids like to help paint it? Of course they would.

We sent the kids off to bed at that point & took a break ourselves. Some things are best discussed among the adults only. We continue to be concerned about Jared. Jake told us how he found him. He was resting on the front porch of a house some time after leaving the armoury & went insided after being sure he heard noises, yet got no answer to his hails. He thought if it was a pet, he could at least free it & maybe give it a meal to get it started on its way. He found Jared, backed in a corner, holding a kitchen knife & terrified. His parents & what was a little girl were lying dead & Jared was recovering himself. He refused to speak & Jake says it was a few hours before he relaxed enough to put the knife down. In the meantime, Jake covered his family's bodies with blankets & said a prayer, aloud. He cooked up a light, hot meal for Jared, then told him what he was planning. He added Jared was welcome to join him; that he was seeking out his family. And that's really all we know about Jared. Poor kid. We know he can hear, but is he mute anyway? We can't tell & Jake didn't think to check the house for any signs of a permanent disability.

We're having no real problems with the other kids although Isabelle is showing signs of being a real handful. She still is trying to sneak Sparky into the house & Isabelle gets a closed, stubborn look on her face when you remind her she's not to do that. She can be a mite slow to follow instructions when you ask her to do something she doesn't want to do. David has wet the bed a few times, but he's only 4 & we really don't know their story either, his & Isabelle's. We've offered the kids a chance to tell THEIR stories. Even those with older relatives will have their feelings to relate, feelings which may be quite different from those whom they accompanied.

Sam wants us to try as best we can to make sure the kids get some play time, an hour or more a day if we can manage it. Kids in the good old days may have been used to days filled with nothing but work, but these kids are not. They don't have the habits, training or experience. Mark joked at that point - asking if that included the three teens. It was funny, to hear at least 4 firm adult voices coming back with a resounding: "NO!". Our laugh for the night.

I plan to walk out some yards from the house tonight, plant a couple of old lawn chairs in the snow & do some star gazing. The stars have never seemed so numerous with so little ambient light. I'e asked Anne to join me - a date, if you will. I'll surprise her with a thermos of her favorite mocha coffee mix & some chocolate truffles I've had hidden away for a time. Who says we're too old for romance?

But, I expect star gazing will lead to far more solemn thoughts - to Greg, to what's going to happen to us all over the next few months & what's going on in the world. Andy & Joe plan to spend much of tomorrow simply listening to radio frequencies, seeing what they can pick up of news of the outside world. Sometimes, it's hard to remember that there's a whole world out there & that some people, everywhere have survived. Some may be alone, others may be clustered in tiny pockets. But there ARE survivors & that brings hope.

Time to rummage around the kitchen & make myself a sandwich before the kids troop in, wet & hungry & the house turns to bedlam. The men will be just as bad. The snowball fight seems to have turned into World War Three & frankly, I think the adults are having just as much fun if not more, than the kids. Then, maybe a short snooze to make up for not sleeping in.

[CanadaSue]

You don't realize how badly you need a holiday until you get one. I was so excited yesterday, I misdated the Journal entry, although I suppose exact dates don't matter so much, do they?

Anne & I had a wonderful time sitting out in the yard staring up at the stars last night. We haven't done that since last summer. Funny neither of us can name more than a few stars, a few basic constellations, but we've always loved to just sit & stare at the night sky. With so little light at night now, no street lights or glow from the town, we see so much more. Sitting, staring at stars has always been special for us, simply because that's when we do do our dreaming, dreaming of the: "wouldn't it be nice if...?" or "What if we could...?" That's always beween something we both loved to 'sneak away' & do. No kids, no pets, no phones or tv; just us time & a chance to remember that before all of that, before kids & mortgages, we were simply a young couple with dreams.

It was the same, yet different last night. Our dreams have changed abruptly & there was a new poignancy in our thoughts & speech. As never before, the future is a question mark with absolutely no parameters with which we're familiar. We spent time of course, thinking of Greg, of when he was born, the joy & tears he brought us all & what he could have been as he grew older. It's difficult for both of us to think of him for long without getting terribly upset. I expect it's even worse for Sam & Max. Max looks so worn down since Greg died & Sam is so still much of the time. Both will need much time for this to begin to heal.

It's difficult too, to know what directions to take dreams & hopes in. What's possible now? I suppose anything is, just as it was for our forebearers, but this mind set is unexpected & new. They planned their journeys west & their new beginnings; we did not. It's true we have many advantages they did not. We have land that's been tilled for generations. We have standing homes, warm ones; especially when you compare them to the soddies & rough, wooden cabins many of the first settlers here had to live in. We have a large, strong group of people & know the local conditions. We DO have many modern conveniences earlier settlers didn't have & the ability, for now, to simply take most of what we need.

What we lack is direction, a plan. Our grandparents, great grandparents - it was simple enough for them in the most basic sense. They were seeking better conditions, better times for themselves & their families. They wanted new opportunities. We partially want a return to previouis conditions. Partially in the sense that we both feel we've lost much of what was good. Undeniably, we've lost things I won't miss.

Have we lost them though & if so, what are the chances that systems or values replacing them will be any better? It's frightening to imagine what we could see once the snow is melted, the land had dried & the roads passable. People who've survived the winter may be hungry, desperate & when you have children to feed, you may do things you'd normally not contemplate.

I'm tired of the sense of isolation I feel & although we've just increased the size of our group, I'd love to see more & different people. It would be wonderful to hear from or see someone I know. But I have an absolute paranoia about running into people at the same time; what might they want from us. In comparison to a great many, we have much. Many would argue we have more than we need. I suppose that depends on how you define need. As far as we're concerned, this state of affairs will probably go on for several years, slowly improving perhaps, but who can know for sure?

With the snow melting this quickly, it won't be long before the fields are muddy but passable, as will be the roads. I expect we'll see signs of life in another few weeks. Morgan & Joe plan on first of all, making sure our fences are in fairly good shape which will help keep our cattle close to home. We're pondering the usefulness of setting up some kind of barrier on both sides of the road approaching the front drive. By both sides, I mean the north & south. A couple of power poles are down or leaning badly. We could lay them across the road, as long as we can move them ourselves as needed. And they wouldn't really stop anyone, but if we could somehow rig alarm systems, even tin cans, along the fences on either side of those parts of the road, or chain up the dogs nearby at night, we'd at least have several minutes warning. What I wouldn't give to have a couple of bad tempered bulls! The men are working on it, thinking through what's possible.

Anne & I spoke of the kids, what their futures might include. It's strange - are their current interests true interests, situation based or a combination of both? Sam told me a few weeks back, that Annette has always been interested in animals & was leaning towards preparing herself for veterinary college. Seeing she's still fairly young though, he & Max thought it might be a phase, right up there with her interest in Avril Lavinge & that absurd boy band - Out of Phase or Out of Brains, or whatever they're called. But no, it seems it may be a true interest. Drew, Noreen & Jean tell me she's very good with livestock, is interested enough to spend hours simply observing them & smart enough to ask what their behavior means.

It's hard to tell about Sammy & Timmy; they're so very small yet. Oh they'll learn a great deal of practical skills during whatever period this crisis may last, but I hope they don't miss too much. The same can be said for the other youngsters.

Mark & Alex intrigue me & I'm eager to hear their stories. Mark is certifiably horse mad, an interest he comes by honestly through his mother. Mark seems happy enough to teach Annette about horses & riding. He's also expressed interest in learning more about general farming operations, but I edxpect that's pure survival instincts kicking in. Whatever it is, I'm not knocking it. Alex is honest about having no specific interests right now, none that match our current requirements. He was leaning towards studying English literature & I find him quite well read. How many 17 year olds, working a part time job at a convenience store read Coleridge for personal entertainment? That made me chuckle. We've already had a few discussions about books we've both read & enjoyed & I love having someone who genuinely loves literature to discuss & debate with. That may distratct us during somne of the more laborious, boring aspects of farming. Currently, we're both reading Walden Pond again; just to sharpen up for debate. He appears thoughtful, taking time to reason things out & is no stranger to hard work. I suppose a background in athletics helps there.

We all look a bit more rested today after sleeping in. Drew locked up the roosters in a shed as far from the house as possible. If they crowed, no one heard them. Sarah was up at 6, voluntarily, to see to the stock & she gets to sleep in tomorrow. She had a surprise prepared for the little ones, herself & Joe. They had the sleds ready to go, having promisedd the children some rides. Sarah explained the dogs need a good run every few days anyway. Max & Cindy had packed up sandwiches & simply had to prepare drinks both hot & cold & off they went. Sarah, as well as wanting to give the dogs a good run, wanted Joe to get in some practice running the dogs. With 7 kids piled on the sleds, as well as a few spare items of clothing & the food, Sarah figured there would be enough weight on the sleds to keep the teams from going too far too fast. The snow is pretty waterlogged & heavy by this time anyway. By the time thery returned mid afternoon, everybody was tired. They hadn't gone far, just ran through the back fields & avoided the road. Sarah reports that parts of the field are bare where they're south facing & windswept. Another few weeks & much of some of thew fields will be drying well.

Mark & Annette spent the day with the horses. Mark had shown her how they're saddled & made her do it, over & over until she was beyond irritated, but he was convinced she knew how to do it properly. As he told her, if the saddle isn't cinched on right, she could find herself falling sideways. Or, the horse could end up with sores, especially now that they're shedding their winter coats. After a few hours of practice saddling & unsaddling, leading the horse around & figuring out how to get a bit in one's mouth without getting her fingers chewed off, Mark determined she was ready to get on a horse.

He made her take a break first, to grab a snack & drink & to use the outhouse. He'd already talked her through some of the theory & having 'field tested' the older gelding, determined it was safe enough for Annette. I suspect she would have felt better on one of the ponies; less distance to fall, but he said it was best in the long run if she learn on a proper sized horse. Watching her mount was funny. She couldn't quite manage to get her right leg up over the saddle. I was watching 'in hiding'; wanting to watch & learn myself, but not wanting to intimidate her if I could help it. She finally managed & Mark took a few minutes to make sure she was seated properly & comfortably & that her stirrups were the right length.

Once she was ready to move, he took the reins & insisted she fold her arms in front of her chest. He'd explained to her that the biggest beginner mistake is to either pull too hard on the reins, jabbing the horse's mouth or to grab the horn in front of the saddle. He told her it may be frightening, but it was best to learn the right way the first time, rather than have to correct bad habits later. As they moved off around the paddock, her face was filled with a mixture of nervousness & elation. There she was, on a real horse for the first time, but with the quickly growing realization that she had so much to learn. Well, she'll enjoy learning if I figure this right.

After he walked her around for half an hour or so, she became a little too relaxed, in spite of Mark telling her often that a horse was another living being, one that had to be monitered constantly. She got a little cocky & he taught her a lesson. When she wasn't expecting it, he urged the gelding into a slow trot & after about 10 strides, Annette slid off, splat!; into the mud. She was madder than a wet hen & tried to storm off in a real teen aged tantrum.But Sam was watching too & was having none of that. He brought her up short with a quick bark & insisted she turn around, go back & find out how she'd messed up. Boy, it's hard to maintain your dignity with mud all over you & a big streak of it across your nose, but she tried. Mark had to work hard not to laugh. He explained again - she HAS to pay attention at all time on horseback & he made her get right back on. He put the horse into a trot again for about 30 seconds later & this time, she managed to stay on; not well, but she stayed on.

She asked Mark to dedemonstrate what CAN be done on horseback once he concluded her lesson. He showed her how you can open & close a gate or fence without getting off, if your horse is well trained & this one seems to be. He showed her too, how responsive the horse is to commands using reins & legs & even jumped a few small logs for her. She was suitably awed & impressed & I think she'll pay closer attention from now on. He did point out that initially, there wouldn't be much time for more than very practical riding skills. Later though, as she bcomes more comfortable on a horse & if she's still interested, he'll show her more.

Just as well the little ones weren't around - they too would have wanted lessons immediately but I'd prefer to wait until he have hockey helmets or something similar & for Mark to be certain the ponies are reliable. He says many are notorious for nasty little tricks, especially with very young riders. On the plus side, they'll learn more quickly because of their age. Even David he said can learn to be comfy on a horse fairly quickly.

Hmmm, Annette is calling me now, she's on barn duty tonight, seeing to the cows yet to deliver. Either something neat is happening or something's not going well, I'd best check...

[CanadaSue]

Just back from the barn & enjoying some hot tea. No wonder Annette called me; we're now the proud owner of twin calves! Drew wasn't as impressed with that as he was amused by our oohing & ahhing. Hey, none of us have ever seen newborn twin calves, so it was special. The cow is on the thin side & Sarah thinks it's best that the smallest of the 2 be bottle fed. The cow doesn't quite look up to it & Drew says she was on the young side for breeding anyway. We're up to 48 calves now, now many left to be born. Drew has already turned out most of the cows & calves in the small field immediately behind the cattle barn & they're sure enjoying the weather. The only thing he had to add was a salt lick, a big cube of salt, mainly for the cows. Some of the calves are getting pretty frisky, discovering what running is all about & I swear they play.

Good thing I went to the barn anyhow. DC was prowling around anxiously looking for Spunky. Yup, a quick peep in Isabelle's bed found one small kitten, looking for momma & food. That does it, she's been told dozens of times the kitten is too young to be away from DC & in any case, is destined to be a WORK cat; keeping vermin out of the barn & granaries. Monday, she'll have extra chores to do & play time will be limited. We can't afford to tolerate willfulness, especially now.

Before Annette called me away, I was writing how we spent our day today. Sam & Max packed themselves a lunch & took off on snowshows, (slush shoes?), & headed off to spend quiet time by themsevles. They came home late & both had very reddened eyes. I think they'll lseep better though. They've taken sleeping pills twice since Greg died, only because they've been exhausted, yet still are having difficulty sleeping. Perhaps a prolonged day of vigorous exercise & some unrestrained grieving will help. I hope so. It breaks my heart to see them this distraught, especially at this, the most hopeful time of the year. We're still all feeling terrible about Greg, but parents of children experiencing an untimely death bear a heavier burden.

MT has been spending time on the porch in the sun. She sat out with me this afternoon, wrapped up well & sipping hot tea. We chatted, about nothing in particular & thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. I think the changing season is perking her up a bit too. Her memory has returned as has her strength. She had the audacity to apologize for having been such a burden to us since Greg passed on. In a sense I empathize with her - I know how I felt after my little heart incident, yet I don't think she appreciates what she means to us all. As I've said, she is our soul, our pillar of moral strength. Even our newcomers find her easy to talk to, to be with. Jared is still shadowing me but now if I have to leave MT for a few minutes, he'll stay with her when I ask him too. Oh his eyes follow me, to the outhouse, the kitchen, the yard; but he stays. MT spoke for a time with Jean this afternoon, of what I don't know, but Jean seemed easier in mind after. She should be better after speaking to us all earlier this evening. It was quite the story she had to tell us & it explained much of her behavior, her excess caution, since she & her little girl joined us. But that's a separate entry in this journal; one I'll pen tomorrow.

Anne spent a happy hour or so near where the herb garden will go in. She's determined to plant flowers as well, firmly stating that a garden doesn't have to be solely a purposeful item. She's right of course & I'm looking forward to some spring color. Noreen tells us there are large numbers of spring bulbs out back of the house, just far enough away to get the sun & we can soon expect crocuses, grape hyacinths, snowdrops, early daffodils & later, the larger daffs & tulips. She has a job for the kids later this summer. Some of the daffodils are getting overcrowded & she'd like to move some nearer the edge of the tree line. The cows won't bother them there & over the years, they'll give us a fine show. Noreen also reminded me we can expect flowers from some of the shrubs. In season, we'll see quince, lilac, weigela, honeysuckle & several others, I've forgotten.

It seems Morgan loves to garden & actually competed at local fairs. That's excellent news as it means he's well up on gardening tricks which may increase our yield. He was more into trying to grow the largest specimens of different vegetables he could but said he's quite comfy growing for total yeild. The man grew orchids for heavens' sake & I'm sorry he doesn't have any. He said this summer, when time permits, he'll try & find seeds for houseplants. Apparently garden centers carry them & some can be grown over successfully in the winter. I think that would make a fine, cheery addition to dreary winter landscape. Morgan spent much of the day on the porch as well poring over old seed catalogues. Noreen teased him that he'd soon see more sprouts & seedlings than even he would care for. He took a few short walks around the property as well, familiarizing himself with the location of all the outbuildings & what's in them. Drew has made it clear to everyone that they SHOULD have a working knowledge of what is stored where & if anyone should notice something dust covered, hidden in corners or simply missed, they should check it out. Something useful might well be found that way.

Sarah & Cindy have hit it off well, something I'm glad to see. There's not a whiny bone in Sarah's body & she quickly brushes aside any of Cindy's attempts to feel sorry for herself. Cindy was a bit taken aback at first, but I think some female company in her age range, especially females used to putting the best face on things will do her good. God help us all if she gets terribly broody towards the end of her pregnancy! The 2 women spent the day laughing about babies, little ones they've known & seen. Cindy is happily putting together a goodly collectuion of small clothing & has sewn together a ton of soft, flennel diapers too. Boy, I vaguely remember cloth diapers & more than vaguely remember the sour, urine smell. MT chuckled at that & told me there was more than one way to prevent the odor from penetrating the house.

I should return to Morgan for a bit; he's had a couple of good ideas. He's going to rig a shower in the house, linking 2 water barrels together so we have plenty of water. The sole drawback will be that the water will have to be put into the barrels, hot before the shower is used but the little kitchen in the 'apartment' Anne & I chose is on the second floor. I've told Morgan to feel free to put the barrels there & if he can rig a type of boiler on the wood stove, I'd happily live with a hole in the floor where he attaches a shower head. Man, what I wouldn't do for a HOT shower! Morgan also thinks he can rig a clothes washer of sorts, an agitator anyway using an old bicycle Drew has out back. Boy, would that save time. He's found a couple of old wringer washers in back sheds Drew forgot were there - they were up in lofts buried under other stuff & said if he can clean up the hand cranks, we can wash without killing our arms, wring more easily & process laundry that much faster. Never mind the women, I felt like kissing him! Washing is HARD when it's all by hand.

Louise was snoozing again today for quite some time. I had asked Anne to discretely ask her if she was ill & she did, reporting that the girl just seems to be a bit run down & anemic right now. She's put her on vitamins & iron supplemnets & told her to rest when she can. Has to be something else going on there. I keep forgetting, no it's not quite fair to say forget; I keep putting to the back of my mind that ALL of us have lost coworkers, family members, close friends. We've not had time really to grieve for all our losses & I'm going to discuss a little plan I have with MT. Once spring has truly arrived, the air softened & flowers are beginning to bloom, I'd like to take everyone to a lovely spot near the woods, just short of the tree line where you get a lovely view of the valley where we're located. We could hold a sort of Memorial Day of our own. I'm not sure exactly how we'd do this, but it seems fitting that we formally, solemnly, remember our great losses, perhaps each can speak of a particular friend or family member who is gone now. That would make it more personal, more meaningful & I have the strangest sensation, a deeply rooted feeling that we cannot afford to forget our collective dead. I wonder how Morgan would feel later, about planting a small memorial gardedn & perhaps building a bench for quiet contemplation. Maybe we need a designated place for when we want, when we need to think of what we've lost these past several months. And if course, those who have yet to pass on - & there will be more, no doubt.

By times, Andy, Alex & Jake monitered the radio & amateur frequencies, seeking any news they could find. They have raised a higher antenna & Andy says after some tweaking, reception on the shortwave should be better & he thinks we'll be able to transmit fairly well too. Perhaps because of weather conditions or sheer luck, the men garnered quite a bit of news today, both from the radio station & shortwave. I really hate to use up battery power this way, but we MUST have some idea of what's going on out there. The local station we've discovered, does as extensive a broadcast as possible four times daily. They're on the air at 9 & noon, six in the evening & again at ten. Andy caught an important note from them. If they have something particularly important to announce; they'll start their newscast by stating that the particular item or items of interest will be aired at fifteen past the house, giving folks time to gather up other people they might be with or to prepare to take notes or tape record the news. Grand idea & kudos to the broadcasters.

It's been a bit over 3 calender months since the outbreak now. Although personal contact with many survivors hasn't been achieved yet, the newsies gave word that there ARE pockets of people still living in & around town. As suggested by the President, Governor & mayor, people alone have been grouping together & seems to e successful on several counts. First of course, the whole idea of safety in numbers is proving itself true. As well, different people bring skills & resources others may not have. Psychologically the concept of no longer having to cope alone must be tremendously encouraging to those who've been forced to do everything as individuals. I don't know how people have borne that although you do what you must. There have been incidents where some people have not proven to be what they presented themselves to be & the journalists warned people to exercise caution until they got to know new group members.They warned the young especially to be extra cautious for obvious reasons. Young women were given the same warning for reasons which I need not go into here.

City Hall, such as it is, still is "staffed". The mayor has refused to leave. The poor man's family is all gone; a wife & two young children & he's said he feels better both staying busy & hopefully, helping out the community. 2 city clerks have remained as well, either they were single or lost their families too. They state they have enough food for months yet & will operate as a municipal level government as long as they can. Some individuals & groups have gone to city hall & informed the mayor that yes, they're alive, this is their age & their former profession & here's how they're coping now. The mayor has resurrected an old hand cranked copy machine & typewriters & has actually drawn up forms. If people wish to register their presence, they can give their name(s), ages, professions, addresses & other basic items of information. Funny, it seems many have begun doing so since the mayor told how some chose to do so without any requirement or request. It seems there's some kind of instinct operating here. Remember that old story from Dr. Suess; 'Horton Hears A Who'? A tiny pink fluff ball that was its own little world, about to be squished. The citizens maded their presence known by shouting: "we are here, we are here" until they were heard. It seems many survivors have that same inclination, to make their presence known. Sam finds that interesting, he said it could come from many motivations. Perhaps a sign of defiance as in: "This disease hasn't licked me yet!" Or, the comfort that is drawn by knowing others are present & ensuring they know you are as well. Man IS a social animal.

I'm drifting here - apparently some 600 people have already chosen to register their presence directly or through a group representative. I'm strongly considering doing the same, but that properly should be discussed as a group first & voten on. I'm also loathe to give our exact location for reasons of safety & apparently many people share that view. Quite a number of people were coy about giving their exact addresses. Fair enough. You really don't know who's listening, do you? Groups & individuals will end up being found regardless, but not giving exact locations may buy time for those who don't feel prepared to properly look after/defend their people & possessions.

The mayor has stated that he'd very much appreciate if people, especially individuals noted down their professions & any skills they have which might be pertinent to our current situation. He'd like to facilitate skills exchanges as a first step towards rebuilding of lives, families & eventually, the community Some groups may find themselves with 3 plumbers for example & be short a doctor. It may be another group has the reverse situation & wouldn't mind relocating or exchanging groups. Others may choose to trade their skills for other services or items. One doctor is already stating that he's going to set up a more formal practice, right near city hall in a former dentists' practice. He simply wishes to clean up & set up the facilities, equip it as best he can & would love a nurse or 2 who wishes to engage in that type of practice. Kowing that nursing skills are in short supply, he's willing to take on former practical nurses, nurses' aids & anyone who'd like to try the profession.. A front office person would be great too & he's stated his location provides living quarters or can be made into such, right aboiut the suite of rooms. He's working out a mehtod of payment, perhaps food, other services... he's openly stating he's willing to barter.

Well now, that's a tangible sign of rebuilding & is encouraging. The mayor kept stressing that one; repeating that this is the sort of initiative we need to see in order to rebuild our town. The other over riding need right now is body disposal. Remember that Stephen King novel, 'The Stand'? I may have referred to it before in this journal but if not, I just have. The survivors who gathered in Denver made body disposal a priority as the fall rainy season approached. Here it's worse. We have no mystical absence of bodies & spring is here or almost here. The disease risk is very much a problem, not to mention the sheer lack of dignity. The mayor actually mentioned that book & synopsized the appropriate section. He'd love work teams willing to take on this grim task & for their efforts, has offered them living quarters & food. He says if he has to, he'll cook their meals & do their laundry himself, but would dearly appreciate help along those lines.

This IS going to be a problem of growing urgency & the mayor spelled it out pretty clearly. We are swamped with bodies, bodies riddled with disease which must be buried before smallpox can spread to those who've not had it. Other diseases may result from leaving these bodies lay where they expired. Vermin will be an increasing problem, rats & carrion eaters particularly. They'll breed like flies & once that "meat" is gone, they may pose a threat to the rest of us. The mayor admitted that giving up time & energy to this task will mean no time or energy to grow one's own food. He is entreating any farmers, gardeners or those with a source of food for next winter to think seriouslly of donating what they can to this effort. Noted. We surely can contribute our fair share & this is not as much charity as it is grim necessity. This work MUST be done, for the good of all. Andy & Joe are contemplating going into town, registering our groups' names if they so choose & spending a week or so cleaning up the dead. We can afford to 'lose them' until planting time & if Sarah drives them in by dog team, they can bring their own food & other supplies. I expect the sooner this job is done, the better for everyone & the mayor sees it the same way. He estimates that between local dead & visiters, perhaps 15,000 people are laying where they fell. He's imploring people who are waiting the change of seasons to volunteer. Just a half mile from the town center off to the south east, is an old quarry. The bodies could be dumped there & hopefully burned. If they have to pile the bodies between stacks of combustibles, so be it. Luckily, there's no ground water close to the surface, according to maps filed at City Hall & the prevailing wind blows AWAY from the site. There are no other communities or farms for a good 3 miles. It's not the "nicest" solution, but it will be a relief to deal with our dead as best we can.

The mayor says he estimates, simply frorm what he's seen in town, who has registered & the rumors he hears, that we may have as many as 2,000 people surviving in the area. Many fled early in spite of the travel restrictions, heading for warmer climes. As it were, that means any number of homes in town are available or will be once the dead are cleared. The mayor has stated that any house now occupied remains "Owned" by those residing there, whether or not they're the legel owners. Those who wish to add some measure of officialdom to this may come to city hall & give their address. The names of 1 resident only is all that's required & again, the mayor has drafted an "offical form". Once homes are cleared of the dead, the addresses will be taken to City Hall & these homes will be considered available. An individual or family wishing to take possession of such a home simply have to note the address & be prepared to swear an oath that they have not forcibly evicted, through any means, folks who may have already been residing there. He warned any those with ill intent that most survivors had by now, picked up all the survival skills they needed, including skill at arms of various sorts & that attempts to forcibly take a property would no doubt be greeted with resistance.

The next major issue raised by the mayor was the issue of farm land, land for the purpose of growing food. He stated baldly that many farms are currently lying empty & that he is going to allow families to occupy & use this land in order to grow crops. He further stated that he couldn't offer practical help in this matter, except provide locations where seed can be obtained, feed stores & such. Again he said that property lines are well defined for tax purposes, that maps are exact. He's offering families of 4 a quarter section of land per family; that is 160 acres of land per 4 people. The mayor may not know squat about farming he states himself, but he knows that will be more than most families can handle, even if the land has previously been worked. Again, such land claims can be properly noted & 'registered' at City Hall.

Furthermore on the subject of farms, any land currently occupied by farmers who own or have been leasing the land; well that land will remain in their possession & in the case of those who own the land, it will remain in their ownership. He reasoned thus. The land is undeniably, legally THEIRS & as the owners, they know the land best & can make the best use of it. He urges such farmers who may find themselves with many acres and or livestock & few or no workers to try & get news tof their situation to city hall. He may be able to match them up with workers willing & able to learn large scale gardening & who will be willing to work in order to share in the results. Drew about bust a gut on that one. He said his great grand daddie share cropped for a time, until he raised enough money to travel here. Wouldn't it be something is HE, a black American, had ended up needing sharecroppers, especially if they were right. It WAS funny, in an ironic way. As it is, we're fine for labor & I think this is a good plan for those willing to work & learn skills, who wish to assure their family's food for the winter. It will mean that more land being actively worked, more sustenance for the community & more hope for the future. I sincerely hope that plan works.

Such local news can't help but cheer me up considerably. It helps mitigate the ongoing bad reports of smallpox. The outbreak is far from over & warmer weather, easier travel will no doubt bring a resurgance of it. We're into the seventh or eighth wave of it now & plenty more to come. I'd hoped against hope it would die out over the winter but many parts of the country don't have winters per se & the disease is moving along with people. We're seeing secondary illnesses now too, in increasing numbers & the mayor has promised a more extensive list of things to watch for, ways to prevent illness & how to treat those that may unfortunately arise. He's urging people to eliminate any vermin they may encounter, feral dogs & cats, rats & other rodents & carrion birds. They're being seen in larger numbers unfortunately.

Oh my, it's already past one in the morning. I'd meant to speak more of local events, national issues & information of other surivovrs, but iut's getting very late. I'll lay this aside for now, get some sleep & resume my account tomorrow. I'm the only one up & right now, that fels a litle too lonely. Time to bank the kitchen fire & join Anne in bed.

God bless us all...

[CanadaSue]

Another breezy, warm day & half a dozen of us are sitting on the front porch, enjoying the sun & the laughter of the children as they enjoy this last day of fun. MT is out again & has just finished what is for her, a decently large breakfast. Anne is sitting here going through baby albums & sharing memories & stories with Cindy about how Jake was as a baby - cranky if I remember corrctly. Morgan is whittling & telling DC what a wonderful momma cat she is. Alex is sitting in the corner, writing something - a journal entry I hope. I'd love to get contributions from the others as they begin to fit into our lives. Jared is crouched down beside me watching Morgan whittle.

Mark & Annette have been with the horses most of the morning. Mark has been riding the ponies around the yard, wearing off some of their energy so he can start putting the younger ones aboard later today. Annette has also been on the gelding quite a bit. Now that she's beginning to feel more comfy in the saddle, Mark is working on teaching her "steering & brakes". She's looking pretty good. The others are of doing their own thing, walking, looking around, just relaxing as they wish. Noreen was beaming earlier. She found a patch of blooming snowdrops & the first yellow crocus. We all trooped out there to have a look. My, isn't the first crocus a fine sight after a snowy, cold winter!

Drew feels we have colder weather coming soon, perhaps in a day or 2. That's not a bad thing. The snow's been melting so fast, the drainage ditches are overflowing & some of the fields look like lakes. A colder spell will help the water present drain away before the melt continues. We warned the kids about staying away from the ditches, streams & pointed out the general direction the ponds are in, making sure they all knew they weren't to head off in those directions alone.

It's been good to relax a while, collect our thoughts & discuss our little world. Alex is a keen student of humanity it seems, a budding social scientist as well as literature buff & he, Sam, Drew & I have had some long enjoyable chats about the changes an event such as this bring to systems as we know them. He was questioning Sam closely on the role of the formal social sciences & Sam gave him a pretty good nut shell explanation of them which of course led us on to more chat & speculation. Sam explained psychology as an attempt to explain human behavior, concentrating on individual behavior. Anthropology he defined as the study of cultures, their rituals, knowledge & paradigms. Comparative anthropology compares the differences & similarities in cultures. Sociology explains larger groups, including the roles of individuals, cultures & the interactions of different societies.

That led to a general discussion of the various structured systems we use to teach & enforce societal norms. It was wonderful to see the teens struggling with new ways of looking at things, to watch them begin to understand some basics & express opinions, ask questions. We spoke of education for a time, (my field of course), how we use it increasingly as a social tool rather than a method of imparting a general knowledge base & skill set. We spoke of codified law & Jake had an interesting point about much of our legal system having developed reactively as opposed to proactively.

That led of course, to speculation about how these systems may change over the next several years. Obviously many of our old structures have faltered & we pondered to what degree they'll return. Far too early to tell at this point, but interesting to speculate about. It was also a good way to learn how our newcomers think to some degree. Our police officers are concerned about lawlesslness once the weather really warms up. As before The Outbreak, a certain percentage of people will be more interested in acting solely in their own interests, no matter the cost to others. Now though, they may find ordinary people more likely to defend themselves & their interests. We are increasingly thinking about our own safety in the coming months & how we can best ensure it.

Just thinking about how different groups of people will constitute themselves will prove interesting. I'll be very eager to speak to others this year & once I feel secure enough to trust them to some degree, comparing how we've survived, how we plan to carry on this year & how we're all coping will be fascinating. I hope to be able to note down, or have others do so; how other people & groups are coping, how they plan to lie this year & what their thoughts are on the future.

Before hearing Sarah's story last night, we discussed what the mayor had said about local conditions, about how he'd like to allocate housing & farmland. With reservations, serious in some cases, we reluctantly accept the need for these measures. You know, you work so damned hard all your life to buy your own home, your own land. It grates on me that people will simply be able to register intent & be granted 'ownserhip' of homes not theirs. On the other side of that issue, there are far more homes available than people to occupy them & we need to rebuild our communities across the nation. People need the security of knowing that where they live, they may feel safe. They need goals beyond putting tomorrow's spuds on the table.

We've all decided to have Andy & Joe go to register the community, that is, give names, ages & location. It's important that the Mayor be aware that Drew & Noreen are still occupying their land & we plan to work extensively to harvest as good a crop as we can this fall. Andy & Joe will spend 2 - 3 weeks locating & moving bodies. Joe has a few ideas about that work detail he wants to run past the mayor. Check houses & property thoroughly & find an agreed, common marking to indicate homes have been 'cleared'. If the work starts at the center of town & moves outward, expanding the circle of activity, it's hoped by our 2 that the bulk of the work can be done before spring really arrives. We've also decided we can spare SOME of our supplies of food for whatever work crews are constituted. More importantly, it's important to all of us that a civic presence be maintained in town; some semblance of authority. The ability to enforce that authority may be severely lacking, but somehow, we all feel a need to know someone is in town, working as best they know how on community issues.

Andy wants to suggest some systems for passing on important community news. Some of the younger survivors, too young to do hard physical work but old enough to be resourceful, could be used as messengers, riding through town on bikes, posting bulletins on previously determineed & piblicized light poles or something & a shortwave network of a sort would be fantastic in the future. A community gathering, once we feel reasonably safe about smallpox would be outstanding, but in the meantime, radio news should continue & 'Messages From the Mayor' should be a priority. Cindy liked that idea & is offering, through Andy, any help she can provide in terms of writing speeches, announcements, etc.

I was writing yesterday of news, local news to begin with. The mayor announced we'd had 2 births in town these last 2 weeks, the first 2 he's aware of although he admits more & slightly older babies may be out there. That's great news. He further told us that while many town roads have winter damage, most are still passable. We'e had quite a few fires but very few lately. He reminded people to be very careful of fire as we have no method of putting out fires other than bucket brigade - assuming water is available. Speaking of water, with melt well underway her reminded people water should be treated with bleach & gave the 'recipes' for both household bleach & pool bleach. The doctor setting up a practice has apparently promised to pass on valuable information about health & safety issues; what to watch for in food, how to treat common illnesses & perhaps most importantly, what NOT to do.

Noreen & Sarah will go into town with the men tomorrow. There's still enough for snow to be able to use the dogs & before reporting to City Hall, the men will make the rounds of different businesses with the women, looking for supplies we would like to have. I need saddle soap & oil for leather, as does Mark. We wouldn't mind some small hand tools for the kids to use gardening. Anne wants sun screen & bug juice, again, mainly for the kids. We'd like to find rubber boots & more tennis shoes for the little guys & the women have a failr long list of things they'd like to find. We'll eventually need more tools for butchering beef & doing down food & they'd like to locate a supply of canning jars, rings, lids & perhaps another large pan or 2. That, we will go & get later, preferably after it chills down a bit. The snow is hard to move over right now.

More news, from the rest of the state this time. Highways are beginning to open up & there is some movement of people beginning, although it's pretty sporadic. In the main, people are leaving the cities & seeingly looking for smaller locales in which to settle. The rest of the nation is beginning to show a similar pattern, especially areas already quite warm. Los Vegas, without electricity is pretty much untenable & people are getting ouit now before the heat becomes unbearable. Most people, whether they're staying put or moving to different areas, are concerned about settling quickly for the year, planting what crops they can & harvesting as much as they can handle. There is land, seed, surviving animals & tools. What is required is some knowledge & plenty of work. Radio stations still able to broadcast are beginning to run "Farming 101" type mini courses, telling people what they HAVE to do in order to plant anything. Tilled land near water is quickly being settled & in the south & west, crops are beginning to go in.

Washington continues to try & address the nation when it can. The President has pretty much given up on nationalizing farm land. He doesn't have enough military left to turn into instant farmers on a large scale & the population is spread out too thinly to distribute the food. Insread, he's urging state governments, local authorities, to find local solutions. Many are adopting what our mayor has done & that's probably the most common sense way to start. But man, it's just so difficult to think of our country reduced to pockets of people scatteredd here & there. How does a place like New York City cope? Apparently, they're attempting to do so by moving to Long Island & out into farming areas. Makes sense to me. Many of our largest cities are clustered in the northeast & assuming larger pockets of people are still alive, it may be more difficult to find suitable tracts of land for farming. I don't know the area well at all & hope people are as resourceful there as they are most other places.

I expect fishing communities will do well. As long as there remains one working boat & enough manpower to crew her, these villages should survive. They should easily be able to set up trade with locals who farm rather than fish. Man, am I going to miss the occasional lobster! I'm just beginning to look at different parts of the country, mentally anyway & try to remember what were localized special industries. Once some systems of transport are developed, even if it's horse & wagon, we'll see a resumption of trade at local & perhaps, area levels. First though, we'll work locally, as individuals & as a community.

I like our mayor. He's young, energetic & not afraid to admit when he doesn't know something or can't do something. He has more work than he can handle & enough concerns to swamp a massive bureaucracy. I hope & pray, we all do, that individuals with nothing else going for them other than talents & energy, no family concerns, no source of food, will determine that for, their efforts might be best expended helping the community through the mayor. I wish there were some way for we survivors with assets to get together & discuss this NOW, to determine how best we can support the town government, such as it is; efforts. Andy & Joe plan to mention that we WILL help supply city hall, as much as we are able to.

But nationally, it is indeed a mixed picture. Timely news is difficult for our local station to come by & almost impossible to confirm. I pity those choosing to stay in the larger cities. Imagine all the bodies; the smell, the vermin... housing of sorts may be plentiful, but the land on which to grow food is not to be found in the cities. Joe & Jake had heard rumors picked up from military units deployed across the country. Many people are planning to relocate this spring & I hope at 150 or so miles frrom Chicago & over 50 from Springfield, we're far enough off the beaten path to avoid much notice. The Spoon River is hardly likely to become a major route for water traffic either. I hope we'll get at most, a trickle of settlers. Next year, more would probably be better prepared to relocate. The shock will have worn off to some degree & people will hae survival skills by then & another winter in which to teach themselves skills, think more rationally about possible relocation sites & a better grip on where the nation seems to be headed.

Hard to say what will be happening just in our small group. Some may choose to move on, either to another location altogether or a new home of their own nearby. Living like this is fine for now, but will become harder. Sam & Max may choose to grab one of the homes a bit down the road & the young couples may as well. There are smaller homes nearby that would serve nicely. They'd be close enough not to feel isolated, to continue to easily work the land with us, but would have a measure of privacy. This year though, we've made the committment to continue to stay together. We can still reconfigure our housing in order to make everyone more comfortable. That's a job will think through, plan & carry out later in the fall. Goodness, are there are enough minutes in an hour, never mind hours in a day? So much to plan & do... makes me yawn today.

We'll have a short family get to gether tonight; mainly to discuss our job priorities for this coming week. Then it's early to bed, up with the birds & back to work - refreshed. This afternoon, I'll be writing Jean & Sarah's stories for this journal, then quickly making sure I'm ready to teach the little ones tomorrow. I'll be doing some basic spelling, a little reading & arithmetic. I think we'll count eggs & calves. It's practical & will make it more fun. I"m looking forward to being able to access the fields & woods for some nature stuff with them. That's always fun & will be very practical. Farming is applied science in many ways & as long as I make sure they get some of the theory behind it; we're laughing.

Time for a light lunch now, then back to writing...

[CanadaSue]

Here is Jean's story, as she related it to us the other night. It doesn't make for pleasant reading, so parents may wish to censor this from younger children. Again, I've chosen to write this in the first person. I should mention here, that before I enter these into the binder, I have the person whose story I'm relating, check what I've written to allow them to clear up any errors or mis-statements I may have made.

... Before The Outbreak, I had a GOOD life. I was raised in Mendota & met Gareth, my husband when I was studying veterinary technology. He was a year short of finishing an accounting program. I concentrated on agricultural practice & he studied accounting systems & practices oriented towards farming. We married when I was 2 years past finishing my program & had been at a good job here in town for about 18 months. We'd moved here, buying a smallish house with about 10 acres. We had three children; Jonathan was 1, Ashley 7 & Marcus was 5.

We both enjoyed living here, very much. The schools are good & while we weren't in town, the kids were close enough to friends homes to easily play with others. We had a dog which disappeared early in The Outbreak, but no other pets. I think we ran into trouble when we realized we didn't have nearly enough food to get through more than a few weeks. Gareth decided to go into town, to try & get as much food as he could. He even went at night, long after we figured people would be home. Others were doing the same thing though; trying to get food & Gareth must have encountered someone who was actually infectious.

He brought home enough food for all of us for several months with no real problems. No one interfered, he had no trouble driving back, but he had picked up variola. He hadn't come close to anyone, but perhaps several people were infectious by that point; we'll never know. He'd also brought home some basic medicines; Tylenol & cough syrup, as well as throat lozenges. I wish he'd brought more.

6 days later he was obviously sick & I hoped against hope it was simply a winter cold - he's prone to those. It was clear a day & a half later that he had smallpox. I'd been listening to the news & checking his throat. He had the sores in the back of his throat & was really feeling terrible. Ashley became ill the next morning, in apite of my best attempts to keep the kids in a different part of the house. The boys both fell ill 2 days after that & by supper that night, I was sick myself.

I don't recall much of the next week or so, just pain, whimpering, a terrible thirst & the horrible, horrible smell. As a vet tech I've smelled some pretty sickening things, but this... oh my God it is AWFUL. Both Gareth & I crawled around as best we could trying to see to the kids. We kept them full of water & juice & as much soup as they could keep down. Marcus died 4 days after he fell ill & Jonathan died that same night, sometime before dawn. All we could do was drag them outside into the separate garage & hope it didn't warm up before we could somehow bury them.

Ashley was lucky; she had a very light dose of the disease & after 2 weeks was actually healing. I wish I could say the same for Gareth & me. It took a further 5 days for him to die & he was so weak, so ill before he went. He slipped away while in some sort of coma. I never got to say good bye or hear him speak any final words to me. I got him out to the garage too, although it took me almost 3 hours to do so. I was so weak. Ashley slept through that, thank God.

The next few weeks were pretty rough, burning, hurting, itching & trying hard not to scratch. I dreaded secondary infections. Explaining or trying to, to Ashley why her dad & brothers had died, what death really meant, was not easy. I still wonder if she truly understands that she'll never see them again. It took forever before I felt I had any strength again & what I had early on was quickly burned through caring for Ashley.

Then, I had to try & clean the house as best I could. By then, I decided we were going to leave as soon as we could. I had no interest in remaining in a home now full of horrid memories. So, I simply swept most of the refuse out the back & dumped the sewage we had piled up in containers out at the very back of the property. Poor hygiene, lousy public health practices but it was winter, I was weak & my only real concern was keeping the smell out of the house.

It was a full 10 weeks after Gareth fell ill that I judged both Ashley & I fully recovered - physically at any rate. She had & still gets terrible nightmares about that whole period & can't speask of it - not even to me. I took another week or so to grieve & to try & decide what we'd do next. I figureed our best bet was to try & get to town; surely there were people there who'd survived. I didn't want or need to live with anyone, just desperately felt a need for company.

I wish we'd left sooner or that I'd been more cautious but damn it, I was so tired, so sad & so scared. One evening, just after dark, I got Ashley settled & walked out back, just to the edge of our property. There's another yard right behind us, a few houses lining a street that runs behind ours. I must have been in a real daze & it wasn't long before I was howling. I didn't see or hear a thing.

There's no easy way to lead into this or soften it. Three men; not sure what age they were, grabbed me & dragged me into the hosue behind mine. They kept me most of night, repeatedly raping me until they were too drunk to stay awake. They hurt me pretty badly, but you'll understand if I don't go into the details. They were bragging about the girls & women they've "found" since The Outbreak & their only regret was not catching a young girl about Annette's age. She had a rifle & shot at them - missed them unfortunately but scared them enough so she could run off. I think that's why I've been so snarky with Annette. The girl they described sounded much like her & I found myself envying her innocence. I owe you a huge apology now that I know what you've been through. I've been a bitch & for nothing. We can't help many of the circumstances that befall us, but we CAN control our attitude. I'm so sorry Annette, you;ve been nothing but kind & welcoming & I've been a real snot. I hope you can forgive me.

Anyway, I waited until they were sound asleep, then eased away from them. I was sneaking through the kitchen on my way out, almost to the door & it was then I found the rifle. Annette, you have nothing to feel bad about. I picked that thing up & shot the three of them - dead. Then, I walked home & did my best to clean myself up before Ashley woke up.

We had to stay a few more days as I was pretty messed up, physically & emotionally. I'll admit I stll am & may be for a while. Sam I know you're a shrink or psychologist or whatever, a profession I'll admit I've never had much use for, but I think I need help with this. There's something getting bitter & twisted inside of me & I don't like it. I gotta deal here, but I'm gonna need help.

Anyway, as soon as I could, we got the hell out of there & met Sarah. I was comfortable with Sarah quickly, but still felt pretty twitchy in general. And as to trusting me? Sorry guys, but it's going to be a while. I managed to keep frfom Ashley what had happened, but she knows SOMETHING happened. I told her I took a bad fall - but she's not stupid. How do you tell a child that age what happened though; you can't really.

We left mid morning - I don't even remember what day & after walking several hours, encountered Sarah. Oh man, I cried. Just to see another living face, one covered in smiles & not pox. She'd just finished a supply run with her dogs & offered us at least, a bed for the night & a good, hot meal for the both of us. All those dogs were rather overwhelming but thankfully we're used to dogs, so once Sarah had them down for the night, we could relax more.

Sarah didn't ask for our story right away but told us hers instead. Sher'd great that way - not trying to force issues when it comes to finding out who you are, what you're like. I needed the company but not the stress, you know what I mean? She'll tell you tomorrow what she's been through.

We were at Sarah's 3 - 4 days I think, forget now, until Joe showed ujp. Joe, I'm sorry about the rifle, but I wasn't inclined to take chances, you know? I'll probably be nervous for a while, easily startled; but I like you people & I'm happy to be part of this group. I feel safer & I know we can pull this off; we can supply ourselves, take care of ourselves & I never expected to find so many children near to Ashley in age. That will be good for her. She's already looking less strained, is eating better & hasn't had nightmares in a few days. I'm still going to be protective of her - you just can't be sure who's out there & what they have in mind, but I can relax a bit more & over time I'm sure I'll be even better.

I'm delighted too, to have a practical skill to offer. It's encouraging to know we have so many healthy, useful animals. We'll eat, have leather & meat to trade. The children will learn much that is useful too. I'm finding I have a lot in common with people here; I share at least 1 interest with almost everyone I've really had a chance to speak with. And I'm delighted that Cindy is going to be a mom. A baby here will be lovely. I get to be an aunt, sort of, which is great. Both Gareth & I were only children - we have no family remaining & all I have is Ashley.

Anyway, that's pretty much my story, nothing terribly unique there. We've survived, have taken some hard knocks, but we're ALIVE & plan on staying that way. Ashley & I want to thank you all for offering us a home & security. I just hope we can repay your hospitality & generous welcome with real contributions...

Thanks again.

[CanadaSue]

My name is Sarah Dunningham & as you all know, I'm alone in the world now. Before The Outbreak - no wait, let me back up a bit here... I was born & raised here & couldn't wait to get out. Don't get me wrong; I love this town, but I figured I'd move to a big city, New York, Chicago, Dallas; something like that & maybe come home eventually. See, I've always wanted to be a fashion designer & there's no real demand for that here, is there? My parents thought that was funny; their tomboy daughter who spent much of her time in overalls fishing & climbing trees could also whip up a mean Barbie gown on mom's old Singer. By the time I was 12, I was designing & sewing a lot of my own clothes & within a few years, some of the local women had me designing dresses for sepcial occasions; weddings, reunions, that sort of thing. Making money was easy, I did clothing repairs at the dry cleaners' & Mr. Simpson often let me take home items that people never bothered picking up. I had subscriptions to most of the serious fashion magazines & had a great looking design portfolio by the time I was 16.

Dad doesn't know a thing about clothes but whenever he had to go to Springfield or Chicago, he'd try & pick up different magazines for me. He was so sweet that way. Mom would try & buy fabric she thought I'd like to work with when she visited the city & they did what they could to support my ambitions. I was accepted into a really good fashion design program coming out of high school & oh didn't I LOVE that first year! I learned the theory behind a lot of what I was doing; pattern making, finishing stitches & all sorts of little tricks I wished I'd known sooner. I even learned how to make my own buttons. I was flying. I still came home when I could. It's good to touch base & I always felt more grounded when I came home & work the cattle. Dad had a pretty big herd of dairy cows & that occupied most of his time; that & sled dog racing. Dad's been doing that for a good 30 years & loves it. You've all seen the dogs; he's always treated them well & they're reasonably well mannered - for sled dogs.

Dad had a stroke just after I started my second year & mom just couldn't handle the load by herself, so I came home. Don't misunderstand; they didn't ask me to & dad was expected to recover all of his mobility. It didn't happen that way, but I didn't mind too badly. This was my dad & he & mom had looked after me all my life; right? The hospitalization, medications, all that stuff cost more than we expected & the HMO didn't cover a lot of it. Once dad was starting to recover & could at least care for himself, I went to work at Wal Mart. Okay, not the highest paying job in the world, but I could get a lot of overtime if I wanted & because of my background, they moved me into assistant manager spots through a few womens' clothing departments. The pay was better then. I had enough time most days to help mom with the cows & we hired students during busy seasons anyway. We were doing fine & I hadn't given up on my dream to finish college & make a name for myself.

The Outbreak changed all that, as it changed life for everybody. Oh we were careful, we really were. Dad & mom both got the vaccine; I did too of course but that didn't help mom or dad. I don't know, maybe they actually caught it at the clinic although that's not supposed to happen. I'm not sure how it happened as we had no visitors. Maybe the virus was on something we brought in to the house. Mom actually got sick first & I thought she'd recover. I don't know if she relapsed or caught something else, but about a week after her pox appeared to start healing, I went into her room one morning & she'd died. That was an awful shock, I really thought she'd turned the corner. Dad of course was sick by then & not doing so well. He became sick about a week after mom. I didn't know how to tell him mom was gone & I didn't for a few days but dad was never any hay short of a bale. He knew. Once he asked me directly though & I told him, he failed fast. He died 3 days later.

You've all heard enough about that disease to know how bad it can get. It IS as bad as they say. I was sure I would catch it, but I got lucky. I was so busy looking after mom, dad & the place though that everything is kind of a blur. I eventually had to turn the cows loose & hope they'd make it. I kept 2, for milk & I dunno... security, I guess. The dogs were more than enough work. Once mom & dad died, I was really on my own. I was able to bury them. Dad has a small back hoe I can drive & it had enough gas to dig the grave. I buried them together, deep enough to prevent the disease getting out as well as making sure no animals got to them. God, that was a rotten day. I could barely see to dig through the tears. Finaaly though, I got it done.

I spent the next few days wandering around in a daze. I sort of remember seeing to the dogs & the by now ONE cow I had left. The second storm took down the back wall of the barn, unfortunately just when I was busiest with dad & I didn't know one of the cows had strayed off until later that day & I never did find her. I caught up on sleep & meals myself but oh God, the lonliness hit hard then. Ever find yourself talking to yourself? Okay, so we all do that a bit but when I started asking rhetorical questions then answering myself, I figured I'd better find somewhere else to go before I completely lost it.

Funny, the 3 of us listened to the radio, watched tv & got all the information we could right when the outbreak started. We took notes of symptoms to watch for, how to deal with the sick, how to make sure we didn't accidently poison ourselves or get hurt but I don't recall anyone ever talking about what something like this does to your mind. I don't think it's just me. Maybe this is going to sound like whining but it's not; really. It's just I have so many questions without answers, we all have so many things we don't have a clue about & that's really scary.

Okay I don't mean us here, growing crops & looking after each other. I know it's going to be a hell of a lot of hard work but I think we can all deal. This isn't Fifth Avenue or Rodeo Drive. This is FARM country where sometimes I think you get some kind of tool placed in your hand right after you learn to walk. We'll do okay.

But what about everything elsse? What about the government? I'm not even sure what we've got left in government anymore. Notice the news hasn't really said lately? Is any of the Cabinet still alive & if so, are they trying to work on this nationally or are they too busy keeping themselves & their families alive. I mean, look at us. We have 2 dozen people, all kinds of skills yet we've been busting our butts trying to learn, study & get ready for farming. So how about the rocket scientists who work on this stuff; disease, vaccines & treatments & that kind of thing? How do we know anyone is left working on this problem?

And that's only 1 problem. What about getting roads back into shape or power plants & that kind of thing? I mean, I'm not even sure technically who's responsible for that kind of work. Where the hell would they start? God, at home we always had the tv on you know? My dad turned into a news junkie when he was bedridden & with the networks we always knew pretty quickly when something was going on in the world. Now, we don't have a clue what's going on 2 miles down the road. That really freaks me out. What if... a couple of months from now, we're doing our thing - planting, doing laundry; whatever & a bunch of scumbags come down the road & try to kick us off the land. We'd have no warning they're coming.

Andy & Joe here are going into town to help get rid of bodies. This is going to sound sooooo selfish. That work HAS to be done but my first reaction was: "Damn! We're gonna lose 2 workers!" I mean, I hate myself for thinking like that but I seem to be getting so selfish. I'm more worried about me & about us. I don't like that in myself. It makes me feel callous & cold, self centered & all that stuff. Am I?

But God, this last period of time has been awful. We've all lost people; family, friends & all, but we've pretty mush all been able to find food & stuff we need. By this fall, that's not going to be the case, is it? The stores & homes may be emptied out of everything useful. That means nothing will be easy anymore, nothing. If we can't grow what we need, fish & hunt for meat, learn to butcher cattle properly, we're screwed - big time.

You know one thing that really bothers me? I'm not sure I can feed my dogs properly. They are going to need a LOT of food & there can't be that much dog chow left around. Dad used to order it in huge quantities. I'm going to end up trading or giving away some of them & as much as that makes sense, these are DAD'S dogs. It breaks my heart to think I'd be letting go a piece of him.

Sorry, I really went off topic there, didn't I? I was talking about just after my parents died. I really lost it for a few days. I wasn't crying, I was wailing. How many tears does a person have? Every ime I thought I was finished, was pulling myself together I'd stumble across something of mom or dad's; something I had memories of & I'd lose it again. I had to pull myself together though before I lost it completely.

I didn't want to stay at home I'd said. I felt too isolated & so damned small. This landscape can be overwhelming - too much open field, too much sky if you're alone. No wonder some of the early settlers went nuts. My problem was the dogs - no way I was leaving them so I had to find a place with a small home, easier to heat & maintain, outbuildings & room for the dogs & some way to plant enough to eat. I can shoot, so figured I'd hunt for meat if it came to that. Safety? I wasn't too worried about that with the dogs.

I took a few runs into town, the outskirts, just scouting around for a good place & picking up dog food & other supplies. I had one nasty encounter. I was coming out of a grocery store, hoping against hope I could find a bottle of mustard & damned near got jumped by what I THINK was a junkie. Man, did he look bad. Skinny, pale, shaking like a leaf & sweating bullets even at about -30. He asked if I had any "aspirin" or something stronger. Well, I didn't & if I'd had, I would have used them all for mom & dad when the pain got bad. He first asked, then begged, then tried to threaten me - right! He'd let me back up near the dogs & they picked up something wasn't right. Stupid ass, he tried to grab me & my lead dog grabbed HIM. He got chewed up pretty bad before I got the dogs off him & took off pretty fast. I didn't get hurt; just rattled, but that made me more determiend to trty & find a safe place & maybe some decent people to live with or near.

The last time I went into town, I managed to find some food, Boil in a Bag dinners if you'll believe it & just piled my sled high. I was almost back to dad's place when I ran into Jean & Ashley. Oh my God, I can't begin to tell you how glad I was to see them. Talk about the safest people to run into - another woman & a little girl. You know, I had so much I wanted to say, I couldn't get started? Jean said the same thing.

I thought I was stressed out. It was pretty clear Jean had been through a lot too, but I had a feeling I shouldn't push it. After hearing her story, I know why. I invited the 2 of them back to my place. They needed some warmth & rest frfom the looks of things & I sure needed the company. Thank God they're not allergic to dogs or anything. After they agreed to come home with me, I pretty much decidedd to wait a few more days before making any more plans. We needed a feel for each other before deciding if we wanted to set up a household together for any amount of time - you know?

We talked that over & decided there wasn't much of a rush - not yet & agreed to just get used to having company again & get to know each other. And... they still were recovering from the illness themselves. We hadn't really made any decisions about anything yet when we ran into Joe or rather, he ran into Jean. That was dicey for a few minutes - Jean isn't keen on men right now & who can blame her. But I got them both settled a bit & invited Joe to come back with us for a meal.

He told us his story & let us know what he was planning. He was pretty generous inviting us to join him - after all, he didn't know us from Adam, did he. It made sense though that some of his people might still be alive & if not, someone here at the farm. What did we have to lose? He said if no one was at the farm or his place, we could move into his or Tom's house. It was probably a bit bigger than we'd need, but he really hoped Louise was still okay. Three or four of us & Ashley wouold be better than any of us alone.

He's told about our preparing & leaving & some of the details of our journey. I did have to teach him & Jean how to drive sleds, but they both caught on fast. Ashley loved riding on the sled - sure beat walking. The rest of the group, well they'll tell you about meeting us, how they felt about it. I know how I felt, after the initial thumping heart type reaction. I was SO glad to see our numbers grow, especially as all seemed decent people; kind & with useful talents.

Remember when she showed up at the gate? You won't believe how my heart was pounding. I was so hoping you people would be fine. Joe had told us a fair bit about Louise & Jake talked about his family. I won't pretend I felt like I know them or anything, but I had a glimmer of what they were like & was so glad frfo Joe & Jake that their people, were alive & safe. It seemed like bedlam coming in here; all these new people, all the excitement & joyful reunions. It was almost too much. I'll be honest, a lot of the times I went to "see to the dogs", I was simply trying to get time alone - away from the noise.

Don't get me wrong, I love being here & really like everybody. But I'm one person with a whole bunch of strangers here. There's a lot to learn about everybody yet & a lot to get used to. I think you all know what I mean, right? But each day it gets easier & with all the work coming up, we won't be getting in each other's hair. I don't think we really have been to this point, it just seems that way - all the snow & even if the house is big, there are a lot of us. It's nice to have so many people to talk to, to work with & to share things with.

I'm glad too that we have all these little ones. God, I'm almost 24 & even before The Outbreak, there was no prospect of kids. Hard to have kids, a husband, a family when there's not even the prospect of a boyfriend right? And between mom & dad, the farm & the dogs, not to mention work, I never had a chance to meet anyone.

Maybe I never will. Watch me end up being 'crazy old aunt Sarah' with her million dogs. That's not bothering me right now though. If I get an itch to hold a baby, Cindy's is on the way & who knows; maybe Joe & Louise will decide to have one & we may end up with more people.

So that's my story - nothing too dramatic, but there it is. I handle & train dogs, sew very well - if I do say so myself & I can hoe a row of corn in no time flat. I'm pretty handy with a paint brush & I don't do windows - just kidding. I love kids. I hate junkies & corrupt politicians.

If you neeed to know anything else about me, you'll have to ask. I'm pretty much out of thingsd to say & it's getting late.

[CanadaSue]

MT once again resuming the responsability of keeping the family journal up to date. After our three days of rest & contemplation, we've resumed the process of preparing for ploughing & planting. I see a string of work filled days stretching to the horizon but we feel somewhat refresheed & prepared to take on the task God has deemed us ready to perform. I'm glad I have faith in His wisdom for personally, I don't feel very prepared for the hard work that lies ahead. No, I'm not expeected to take up a hoe & begin grubbing up weeds or to fetch endless, heavy pails of water from the well, but at my age, minding the children, writing in this diary & trying to co-ordinate the activites of others is burdensome enough. I pray for strength & perserverence.

We began last night, properly speaking, by holding a rather long family meeting to discuss what the priorities were for the coming week. Tom started the meeting by trying to make clear to the children that we were entering a very busy period of time. Whatever family rules they had or hadn't operated under in the past, they had to understand that circumstances are very much different & that disobedience, wilfullnes & mulishness would NOT be tolerated & would bring consequences.. He spoke specifically to Isabelle, reminding her she was not the youngest of the smaller children; that she was almost 8 & it behooved her to set a good example. He reminded her that she was to spend most of today doing extra chores because she had deliberately ignored our rule that the cats were not to come in the house & that she's been showing signs of not obeying other instructions either. The little snip didn't much like that, I tell you, but too bad. Give a child an inch, they'll take a mile & I suspect under the right circumstances, that one would take a hundred miles.

We repeated as a group of adults, the general rules for the children. They were to obey the adults, that is; everyone from Annette upward in age. Their chores come first, followed by school work. They will get play time but they have to understand that some days, that will necessarily be limited. They are to pick up after themselves, making sure their things are kept in good order & properly put away. They will have weekly schedules of chores posted in the kitchen & it's their job to make sure they know what they are to do, weekly & each day. Failure to do their work would mean losing play time & if such behavior persisted, further consequences would fall upon them. They are never to leave the farmyard without an adult present & if they're playing, must immediately come to the house when called. We have no time to spare to hunt for 'missing' children.

We decided at that point to make it clear to the children that the adultsd have rules too & pointed out these rules were not an attempt to impose a tyranny on anyone, but our best effortt to ensure the safety & wellbeing of all. No one is to leave the property without another adult knowing about it. Any expedition to other properties or elsewhere must be discussed in advance, voted on & generally agreed with before it can be allowed to proceed. Adults will have their weekly & daily chores as well & all will be listed on paper posted in the kitchen. It will be part of my job to make sure these lists are made up, up to date & posted in the kitchen for all to see. I also assured the youngest that I'd help them read their jobs, until they learn how for themselves. The little ones seemed more than a bit intimidateed & Sam had the wise idea of telling them that they might be young, have few talents or strength but their contributions would be very valuable. They would save the stronger, more skilled members of the family time & energy to pursue other tasks. He assured them that as they grew older & stronger, as they matured, they would learn new tasks that were more 'adult'. He also assured them that we're always prepared to hear ideas, ANY ideas that may save us time, energy or resources. That perked them up. It is important that they understand they are contributing members here with as much at stake as well all have.

Before we sent the children to bed, we outlines their chores for them. The three girls will dialy ensure all the horses have ample fresh water. Until we're certain they can safely perform this task, they're simply to make sure water buckets outside the stalls are filled. Older community members will fill the water containers in the stalls. They are to measure feed to the animals as well, in preparation for Mark or Annette feeding them. The boys save Jared will see to the chicken coop, watering & feeding the chickens & gathering the eggs twice daily. They'll shovel out the coop as needed, with help.

All children will be taught to dust, sweep, tidy up, set & clear the table, stack dishes & where items are kept in the various pantries. They'll learn to clean the bathrooms, something we must do often. They'll be responsible, in turn, for knocking dried mud off boots & other footwear & for gathering laundry once a week for wash day. They'll learn to sort loads, fold & put away clothing. They'll make & change bedding & linen. They'll keep the farmyard free of debris & to some extent the corrals & near pastures - but only when no animals are within them, as we're not convinced the children know how to move safely around large farm animals. They'll keep the wood oxes full of wood & kindling. They'll have at least an hour a day of basic schooling to contend with for the next little while, learning reading & writing skills as well as arithmetic. We made it clear they'd have playtime too, but on some days it may be limited; depending on the workload.

We sent them off to bed at this point , assuring them we'd let them know at breakfast what chores had been decided on for the adults. We'll all be up at 6 tomorrow to start a busy day & will hae a few minutes to clarify taskings at breakfast. After a weekend of hard play, they were more than ready for bed. Sarah bless her, has completed the bears she'd stitched together for each child & before bed, we made a little ceremony of introducing the "adoptees" to the children. Louise brought in big mugs of hot chocolate & then, each child was called & given their own 'family bear' complete with specific adoption certificate. That was a wonderful idea of Sarah's; the kids really loved that & were delighted to take their "exhausted" bears off to bed for a good night's sleep. I expect we'll be seeing bears all over the house & farm, "following" the children through their daily tasks. Thank goodness they're durable & washable!

We took a short break to bed down the kids, then resumed our discussions. We have much to do in the next few weeks & little time to waste. We went over the plans for today's trip to town by Joe, Andy, Noreen & Sarah. The men will stay in town & help with clearing away bodies. The women, once they obtained those items we feel we need, were to head straight home. Both were armed & there should be no problems. The snow is still prety deep in spots, which should slow anyone trying to catch them for nefarious reasons.

Drew is spending this week finalizing ploughing & seeding plans. He's making a final determination of where crops are to be planted & in what numbers. He's being assisted by Noreen in conjunction with Anne & Maxine who are making the same calculations for the various kitchen gardens. When she needs rest from that work, Maxine is reading up on the smoking & salting of meat. If we lose any cattle this summer, we must either find a way of preserving them or eat beef until we're sick of it in order not to waste meat.

Sam, Jake, Morgan & Alex are to walk the fence lines, marking any fences which need repairing, then getting on with that job. Mark & Annette are spending time making the horses are ready to work quietly in harness. Mark is also giving Annette more riding instruction & Tom has decided he'll try to learn to stay upright on a horse as well. Might be easier on his heart iof he rides more than he walks, I think. If the fencing job isn't too bad, Morgan will start working on a shower system for the house, assisted by Tom. Alex will make small repairs needed in the yard fences, as he can & generally handle physcial tasks a bit too heavy for those remaining nearer to the house.

Andy was able to improve our antenna in order to improve both commercial & shortwave radio recption. We'll take turns listening & hoping for more news. We were glad he accomplished that before leaving. He couldn't do much about us transmitting, but if we need to get any news to either Andy or Joe quickly, we can somehow get someone to town; to City Hall. That will have to do for now. We're all sharing mixed feelings bout their leaving. We're fully aware of the importance of disposing of the bodies - we are already noticing a faint odor of decay some days but will miss them & worry about their safety. We'll also miss their strength & labor. Still, needs must...

Tom will also spend time making sure the children keep up with basic school work, reading, writing & arithmetic. Later there may be no time available for a spell, so best do some now. He'll help me teach the children what's involved in doing their chores properly. He's chafing at this, but Anne is not satisfied that his injured heart has had sufficient rest or time to heal, especially after Greg's death. She'd prefer he take another month before taking on too much physcial labor. Jared appears to be the focus of much of his conern right now & with reason. That boy still hasn't spoken a word. He minds well, does what he's asked, but not a word crosses his lips. He moves about in a fearful way, always looking around him & startles so easily at the least unusual sound. What could have happened to him? Tom & Samn hope that with time & patience, Jared will settle down & trust us enough to open up. Heavens, the only way we know his name is through a class photograph that was on a side table in the front room of his house!

Cindy & Louise are caring for the seedlings we've started in the house & we have quite a few now. Some have even begun to sprout. They're also once again looking over room allocation, trying to ensure we're making best use of the space we have available to us. Did I forget to mention laundry? They're keeping up with that as well as assisting greatly with meals this week. Sarah & Jean are working the dogs & helping by using the dogs to skid out logs before we lose all the snow. The closer we can get wood to the house, the easier it is to cut & haul to drying piles. Drew reminded us that we already have to be thinking of next winter in terms of heating.

This should more than occupy our time this week & after 3 days of relaxation & perhaps a litle too much time for contemplation, we all seem eager to get back into hard work. We're still very much grieving Greg's death & it will be quite some time before that burden begins to ease to any degree. I was shocked at how badly my body chose to react. It's true I'm old but I was troubled with my memory loss, even if it only proved to be temporary. Oh how our bodied begin to betray us with age. I found myself angry with God by times; could he not see my family needed me? If I couldn't provide actual help, surely I could be more than a burden on them physcially. I have to to keep reminding myself that Godf always knows what's best & grants us no more than we can cope with. Perhaps he had lessons for others to learn, using my frail person as the tool.

Now, it's mid afternoon on another fine day & the work proceeds well. The men checking the fences are encouraged as there's far less fencing needing work than they'd anticipated. All the near pastures are in reasonably good condition in terms of fencing. Drew says only 5 poles need replacing & he has extras on the farm. A few other will need to be hammered in to make sure they're solid enough to take the strain of the fencing. Stretching fencing wire may be more difficult. Drew says normally he attaches the wire to his truck & pulls it taut that way. We may be able to use the horses for that, but Drew admits the fencing may not be quite as solid as he's used to. I reminded him that pickups were a fairly recent innovation - our ancestors managed fine using horses & sheer physical stength. He had to concede that point!

Tom & I had a hilarious time teaching the kids how to collect & sort laundry. They came down to the kitchen with far less laundry than we'd epected initially & earnestly protested that they had it all - honest! They didn't check under the beds, behind doors or at the bottom of various closets. I told them to check everywhere they tend to "hide" dirty clothing & the second time, they came back with more. Throughout the day we had the chance to show them just how involved laundry is when you're doing it by hand & why we're stressing that clothing & linens should be really dirty before making it into the wash. I think they're getting a grasp of the time & work involved. Mark showed them how to measure feed. The ponies take the least amount & with the other animals working, the only difference in calculating their feed is the size of the animal. Mark marked a plastic bucket with each horse's name & a black line which is the level each bucket should be filled up to. Louise did the same with the chicken's feed bucket, so rthey're all set there. They were shown what goes on the table for each meal & each had a chance to set the table a few times, starting right from scratch. Only 2 glasses were broekn. Maybe we'd best stick to platic for a time though, especially when the youngest are setting & clearing away.

Sarah & Jean returned for a quick lunch break. They're working hard, but judging by the laughter, working well together & having a ball. There's quite a bit of down brush & smaller trees & the dogs are having no problem hauling it closer to the house. Drew's indicated the piece of ground they're to drag the wood too & it's filling fast. Happily, there's lots more available & Tom may go out with them tomorrow, perhaps Maxine as well for a few hours, to speed things up a bit. After all, the dogs are doing most of the work.

Mark & Annette have 2 teams about ready to start work & the younger team is trtaining up well. The riding horse they're trying to convert to harnes isn't sure what this is about, but seems willing enough to learn. Mark says he'll take it slowly, he doesn't want to stress out the animal through confusion.

Drew has pretty much settled how much of each type of seed he wants to plant & is now determining where. There's still a bit too much snow to be sure. He thinks though, that within 2 weeks, we can start working the kitchen gardens. It's on slightly higher ground, drains well & parts of it already look as though the surface at least, is starting to dry. The women want to start soon with cool weather crops, peas & such & my mouth waters just thinking of it. There are already tiny weeds sprouting & as we have nothing planted yet, at least not anywhere but the herb garden, we can show the children what's involved in weeding. Next time they display a surfeit of energy...

Tom has just told me the children neeed some quiet time. He'd like me read to the smaller ones while the older ones work on doing some penmenship & arithmetic. Lovely, my hand is cramping now. I have more to say but will wait until I've worked with the children, taken a stroll around the yard & perhaps had my supper. Oh we do have Morgan giving us his story tonight, so if the mneeting runs long, I may wait until tomorrow morning.

May the Lord keep us all safe in his loving embrace.

[CanadaSue]

Well, I did enjoy a fine supper & a turn around the farmyard previous to that. We have more crocus blooming now; purple, yellow & the lovely tiny cream ones. I see iris bulbs poking through the ground & we'll be enjoying the rich purple & blue of those soon enough., Goodness, you can smell spring now, the rich loamy smell of earth seasoned with just a smidgeon of worm. Even the cattle barn smells welcoming - at least from a distance.

We all finished a long day's work & it was a good day for all. Drew is delighted. He's been around most of his fence line & has very little repair/replacement work to do. He thinks by Wednesday lunch, he'll have completed all those repairs. All our calves have been born now & tomorrow morning, assuming the weather remains pleasant, all cattle will be turned out into the 'home pasture'; which Noreen tells me measures about 40 or so acres. I hope to spend a bit of time by the fence simply watching the babies discovering the wider world. Within a week, Drew thinks it will be safe enough to turn the horses out with the cattle. There's enough room & both calves & foals should be accustomed enough to new sights, smells & sounds to enjoy the running room & fresher air. Drew says he'd love to give the barn a good airing, cleaning & finally, another long airing out. I doubt that will happen soon; the weather is likely to turn quirky on us. It still is very early in the season - not even spring.

Noreen & Sarah returned shortly after 4 o'clock. Andy & Joe are safe at City Hall & were gratefully, warmly recieveed. Sarah said the mayor almost cried. Since his appeal, he's had over 40 men, women & older teenagers simply show up, most with food & supplies for several weeks. He's also been given several wagon loads of food by local farmers & promised more if the effort must extend past growing season. If these people can work for the next several weeks and are joined by others, this may be taken care of quite quickly.

The woman were happy to unpack the sled & we stood around as though it were Christmas, eager to see the latest treasures. They went to the garden center & came away with small hand tools, perfect for the children to use for weeding. The seeder Morgan told us about; the one you fill with seed & then spin with a handle, was found in a back room & they brought home 3 of those. Best of all, at the back of the center in an office, they found a colleection of old books; whimsical accounts of farming in the old days. The books are signed & several were presented as school prizes for spelling bees & good test results. Their owner must have passed on, but he can be sure his books will be put to good use.

They also brought home various sized cheese graters frrom a department store & several very large pots in which we can boil canning jars. The pots took up a lot of room on the sled, but they managed to stuff many smaller items inside, so it worked out. Noreen had the foresight to stop in the same store's toy department & brought home some goodies for the kids. Most of those they didn't take out until after the kids were busy elsewhere. We'll use those as rewards & morale boosters. They did show them the Junior Scrabble & several other word games & fun games. They grabbed a number of workbooks & chapter books meant for young ones as well. Tom was delighted with that.


And the dear, dear girls. I'd mentioned I missed my old sweater coat that I wore at home constantly. They brought me TWO; one of them the softest wool mix I've ever felt. Lovely. They also brought me a 'joke' present. The most ridiculous looking caterpillar slippers imaginable. They look absurd, but my, they're warm.

They brought a little something for everyone. For Drew a small wooden plaque saying: "Make your life easier, do it my way" as well as some premium pipe tobacco. I love the smell of a pipe of a cool spring evening, as long as it's outside & Drew was very pleased. Noreen was given a lovely quilt, something she'd mentioned admiring in the craft store & one she admitrs she could never have afforded. It's all hand stitched with a farm motif that manages to be realistic rather than kitschy. For Sam & Maxine, a wonderful tooled leather covered scrapbook with heavy, creamy paper pages. They offered this as a memory book - a scrapbook where they could collect memories of Greg. Oh we all had tears in our eyes at that. For Morgan they brought a few new whittling knives, good quality ones. He never sits without a bit of wood in his hands, making some toy for the children. Mark & Annette were both treated to a lovely pair of riding boots. For Tom, an old wood bordered chalk board of the type children would have used in the last century & some reference books on elementary lesson planning. They also brought him a beautiful RED cartridge pen, saying no one is a proper teacher without a red marking pen. For Anne, a field guide to plants as well as a refernce book on herbs for medical use. They reminded her she can cross reference plants she finds & identifies with their potential medicinal use.

For Jake, a "fully loaded" tool kit with every concievable bit of tool he may need to repair what machinery we have left. Drew has tools of course, but Jake appreciated a set that's "his". For both Cindy & Jake, a lovely baby album for the little one arriving soon & a wonderful piecec of counted cross stitch needlework with a sweet poam about newborns. I'll have to write it here in the next few days. For Louise, they brought back about a year's worth of Clairol hair dye. She's vain about her hair & looks wonderful when it's a warm auburn shade. She's one of these women who's begun to turn grey early & she hated that. SHE cried after getting the dye, causing the rest of us to laugh. To add to that treat, they smirked & presented her with a lingere set & some exquisitely decadent perfume, telling her they don't think Jake & Cindy's child shouldn't be the only baby on the farm! My, didn't she blush.

For Sarah, they found a deluxe sewing kit, finely machined needles, a thimble of chased silver & some bolts of silk. Not everything they said, needs to be plainly made or serviceable. She was thrilled to have a supply of finer things to work with. For practicality, they brought huge bobbins of thread for the sewing machine, zippers, iron on patches & some sewing tapes - tape measures that is. Alex was delighted with his gift - as smart leather jacket that's short & rather form fitting. He's a good looking young man & pays attention to how he looks. He blushed but was thrilled & ws pleased with the cowboy boots in a matching leather. He too is eager to learn to ride & that gift made up for the joke gift of baggy, farmers' overalls.

For Jean, they brought perhaps the most unusual gift, a huge case full of veterinary medical tools & medications. The women admitted they didn't have a clue what any of it was or what it was for, but they thought it might come in handy. Jean was delighted saying this added greatly to her ability to treat any problems with the cattle, dogs & horses. They accidently & with great luck, picked up vaccines for the cats & dogs; rabies, distemper, feline leukemia & others I know nothing about. Jean says in our situation, they'll provide a margin of safety. They also brought a large basket for all the women - full of bath lotions, oils & fancy handmaded soaps - some of which smell good enough to eat. They had finely perfumed talcum powders & loofahs. Now THAT I plan to use, as do all the women. Jake broke us up by whining he would have liked some fancy soap; couldn't they find any Calvin Klein scented, finely milled soap? Presents aside, we were relived to see them home safe & in good spirits. The presents lifted all our hearts, something much needed.

On a hunch, they stopped by the radio station & introduced themselves. They are down to 4 staff members & look SO weary, Noreen reports. They're also not eating very well from what Sarah could see & she's vowed to herself to, on her return trip to pick up the boys in 3 weeks, bring them a supply of solid food & some goodies to go with it. Sarah gave them a quick synopsis of our family group here & what we were planning to do. They asked permission to talk about it in one of their newscasts & Noreen agreed cautiously. The deal is that they're not to identify us or our location in any way, but are free to pass on our opinion of the work we're becoming involved in, what things we're thinking about & what they called 'human interest' stuff. They think that if people hear of another group doing some solid planning, it may encourage them to work that much the harder. I pray it does just that.

Jean & Louise did a good day's work skidding out logs. I must have been more fatigued than I'd imagined earlier today - I said SARAH & Jean worked in the woods when I should have said Jean & LOUISE. I write small so couldn't really correct it in my last entry - my apologies. However, they did much work & if we didn't bring another log out, we'd probably have enough for most of next winter. We may not need to bring over wood remaining at Tom's. They'll skid out more tomorrow, then pack it in for now. Sarah will want to be training the dogs in any case & the women have offered to start chopping off smaller branches in preparation for sawing up the logs & splitting them. Now that's work I'm glad I'm too old to do - never had to do much of that but it leads to some painful shoulder muscles.

Mark had Annette on the gelding twice today & in the afternoon, had her trot a bit while he led the horse around. After a few minutes of that, he slowed her to a walk, then unclipped the lead line & told her to go ahead & try it on her own. Ouch! This may be cheating considering we'll be using western saddles for the most part, but he taught her to rise to the trot, saying it's much easier on the bottom. I'll bet it is! She's dedlighted to be able to move a bit faster & is eager to learn more.

Tom was next on the horse, looking rather comical when he realized he was quite a ways above the ground. He's quite content to stay at a walking pace until as he says, his rear end grows some insulatiohn against saddle sores! Mark suggested weaking 2 sets of long johsn under his jeans. It's adds padding & helps preent chafing. A good idea to my mind. Each of the children was able to mount on one of the ponies & were delighted to be led around for about 10 minutes each. Jared couldn't help but smile - a HUGE grin. That's the first time I've seen that child happy, really delighted with life since he arrived here. After supper he went as far as to shyly trail Mark & Annette to the barn as they did their evening care routine. Mark noticed & casually asked him to bring a feed bucket over. He showed Jared how much the pnies get fed, by the measure on the pail & asked if Jared wanted to fill the feed trough in the ponies's stall. He nodded vigorously & did just that. I suspect those 2 have a new apprentice & Tom may get a bit more peace now.

Cindy is looking fine these days as she's into an easy time of her pregnancy. She's done a good deal today, especially in the childrens' room, setting up plastic bins in metal shelevs, bins where they can easily & quickly put away toys as well as other bins for socks & underwear & school related items; paper & pencils & chapter books. She moved some of the beds & cots around to give them more floor space to play. She's turning old burlap bags into laundry bags which can be hung on door handles is spending some evening time painting color coded wooden pegs which Morgan will fasten to the wall in the entrance behind the kitchen. It will be easy for them to hang their jackets if they each have their own pegs. Each child took time to choose a color & they're different enough to make it easy to determins which pegs are yours.
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Isabelle had a wonderful idea this evening. It's her chore this week, along with Carol, to set & clear the table. She suggested that the breakfast dishes be set before bed in order to save precious morning time. She also came up with making sure there was a lot of water ready for the morning & that a fire was freshly laid to start early. Now that much we've been doing since we lost electricity, but we still heaped praise on her for good suggestions. Perhaps she simply needs this sort of motivation in order to improve her behavior.

Tomorrow, we'll continue with the work we began today. Louise & Jean will work on the massive pile of wood, hopefully reducing it in size. The children will be tasked with lossely stacking the resulting kindling & smaller brbanches. The men who were doing fence work today will finish their initial survey & hopefully get through some of the needed repairs. Mark & Annette will do 2 harness training sessions with the young draft animal & the gelding. They'll put Tom & the children on horses again for a bit & I'll go over some sums with the little ones as well as listen to them read. Maxine is drawing what she hopes are her final plans for the herb garden & Noreen doing the same for the kitchen gardens. Maxine is going to try & salt some meat, a chicken Noreen says is ready for the cooking pot. She's not laid an egg in weeks & Noreen says she's getting old anyhow. Morgan plans to caulk several water barrels & drill bung holes in which he'll fit spigots he's fashioning from metal taps & lots of silicon caulking. Tom will help him plan the system & put it up in test fashion. If it works, they'll "plumb" it in properly & by the weekend, we may be able to enjoy showers! Louise has deecided the yard in is disgusting shape & has drafted Alex to help her clean it. The snow is gone from the yard now & it looks like a sty. There's litter everywhere, blown in frrom across the fields & some of it reeks. It's rubber boot & glove time for them & Louise has announced that by supper, she'll be ready for a quick bath to 'decontaminate'! If there's time, some of us will take a turn at ironing some of the jeans. They dry quickly in the open air, but my they dry stiff. A light touch with an iron may help & Noreen has resurrected some old flat irons she's used as door stops as long as she can remember.

Maxine pointed out that quite a number of us need haircuts. Funny, I never noticed dthat so the next bath day, Tom will clip the boys' hair & Cindy will do her best with the younger girls' hair. Isabelle prefers hers cut almost as shorrt as a boy's, so she's "given permission" to Tom to clip away! Cindy needs to let out some of her maternity trousers. She'd plannedd on buying larger sizes as needed but my goodness, she's become huge in the past few weeks. She must have a lot of water in there with that baby. She's laughing now at how much the baby is kicking saying she's beginning to feel bruised from the inside. Anne measures her abdomen weekly & says that's going to be one large infant.

The only real amount of snow left is that covering Greg's gravesite. Just as well, the turned earth would look too much like a fresh wound in the soil. I love the idea of a little garden there, pretty, calming shade plants & a small thinking bench. Morgan has promised us one by fall. What a kindly man he is & he'd make someone a superb grand father. Well I suppose he is that now, isn't he? Maxine's parents we presume are passed on & Morgan is wonderful with the kids. He can even coax a smile out of Isabelle when she's in a scowly frame of mind. Jared can relax around him it seems & Morgan has given him a small pen knife. Jared is trying his best to whittle, just like "Grampa Morgan". Still no word from that child, but he smiles, yes he does, when he's on a pony. Mark thinks he may be able to learn quickly & he has no fear of the animals. We've not convinced him to read aloud, but he writes well, prints rather, taking his time & forming his leters neatly. Instead of having him read to me, I sit him right beside me & slowly read to him, tracing words with my finger & rreading slowly when a word is long or perhaps new. He IS paying close attention & a few times, out of the corner of my eye, I swear I can see his lips moving ahead of my reading.

I've been able to observe the children a fair bit these recent times. It's wonderful that they're fairly close in age. Sammy & Timmy are only a year apart, but a year at 4 & 5 makes quite a difference. Sammy works hard to "look after" Timmy & Sammy looks up to him. They're almost inseparable, espedcially since Greg's death. Timmy is bright & is learning letters & simple words at the same rate as Sammy. They're almost the same size too but whereas Sammy is towheaded, Timmy has dark, almost black hair & the bluest eyes imaginable. Timmy has announced he wishes to learn to fish this summer, & "fish as good as Greg". David is our quiet little mouse. He's on the young side of 4 & not ready to try & keep up with Timmy & Sammy. Oh they give him plenty of opportunities, but he's more timid by nature & clings to his sister still. He's just learned to sing the national anthem, something he was bent on learning & now goes around singing it loudly until we entreat him to give it a rest. Then he hums it, albeit quietly. His new bear hasn't left his arms & he's taken to wearing overalls, so he can stuff 'Daddy Bear' in them when he's busy with his hands. He's teaching "Daddy Bear" what letters of the alphabet he knows. He's very fair, almost white headed but his eyes indicate he'll darken up as he grows older. We'll have to watch him in the sun this summer though... Isabelle, his sister is not quiet; that's for certain. She's blonde too with pretty eyes & a lovely skin & a long streak of determination which verges on sheer stubborness; wilfullness. She's a little slow with the reading, not enough practice I think; but was only in first grade. She's pretty quick adding simple numbers though & tells me she will be reading properly by next Christmas. She loves cats & seems fearless. She's not afraid to get dirty & thank goodness, she's not afraid of work. She seems eager to take on responsabilities. She's very conscious of her role as David's older sister keeps an eye out for him.

Carol is Alex' younger sister, a pretty average 8 year old from what I've seen so far. She's settled in quite quickly & is content to let Mark do his thing while she occupies herself with her chores, her interests & playing. She too rides, far better than the other little ones, but isn't as horse mad as Mark. She's a dedlicate looking little thing with beautiful chestnut hair & the greenest eyes. She looks too frail to do much, but is strong enough for her age. She chums around with Ashley who's almost 8, although like many little girls, it's a combination of friendship & rivalry. Both are determined to best the other in almost everything, which if we're smart, we'll use to our advantage. She's ordinary looking, brown hair & eyes & Jean tells me she was a bit chubby before she became ill. She's lucky - has very few visible pox marks & is regaining her strength quickly.

Our mystery child - Jared, what can I say about him. He's observant & quick to learn. He's not teribly interested in hanging around the other children. He reminds me by times of a little man in a child's body. He's quite tall & I would have pegged him as 9 or so, but his class picture lists him in second grade as well. I doubt he was kept back a year, he seems too bright for that. He follows Tom closely, seems to be developing a fascination with the horses & seems also to be trusting Morgan more now. He needs time & that we can give him.

Goodness now, it's late & I can't handle too many long evenings, especially as I tend to be up with the birds. I'd best trot off to bed & get a good night's sleep. I'll pick up this account tomorrow.

God keep us all safe in His loving thoughts...

[CanadaSue]

March is finally over, thank goodness. I've never liked these last 3 winter months; they're cold, wind swept & dreary & we see too little of the sun; too little light. It's just past lunch time on another busy day. The men are now finished inspecting all the fences & are repairing those sections which are broken or appear weak. They may be finished by this evening. Louise & Alex are happily mucking about the yard, collecting & burning refuse & plan to nail down some loose boards on the front porch. We had the children helping them for a time, picking up wet paper, tin cans & all sorts of things. Amazing how much garbage blows around when there's no one left to pick it up. There's quite the bonfire going out back, thankfully not too close to our early crocus. The rest of the women are keeping busy. Wood is being skidded out of the woods at a fast pace - I think we have more than enough but Jean & Louise are determined to get out as much as they can before all the snow up there melts. Tom's been helping them, but will spend a more quiet afternoon teaching the little ones.

Jean has vaccinated all the dogs & DC; our momma cat. DC wasn't happy about that & Jean is sporting a ribbon of slash marks across the back of her hand. Sarah worked her dogs this morning but will help Cindy in the house this afternoon, as will the other women. Cindy thinks she can complete her reorganization of the house by supper time & things already appear more orderly. Morgan is out by the horse barn now, calking barrels & I of course, am sitting here on the porch writing this entry.

Our evening meeting last night was short as we were all eager to get to bed. We discussed rest days & decided to rest on the Lord's Day as much as possible, holding a service in the morning after breakfast & occupying ourselves with more quiet tasks in the afternoons when we can. The children of course will be free to play within the safety restrictions we've imposed on them. This Sunday, I promised to teach them how to make simple cats' cradle figures & we'll play cards - Go Fish or something similar.

Drew told us this morning, just before lunch, that he thinks we have bad weather coming tomorrow. The sky does look as though it's changing. There are long streamers of cloud such as usually announces snow or heavy rain. It's a bit cooler today & the temperature is dropping. Before we have our supper, we'll have to make sure everything is secure outdoors. A lot of things are outdoors now, on the porch or airing on lines; broms, shovels, boots drying out, etc. We'll bring all that in & Drew insists we run the ropes to the barns again. We'll make sure the animals have a lot of feed & the men will play cowboy later, moving the cattle back as close to the barn as possible. The horses will be moved inside for the night & Sarah says the dogs will stay out, but she'll brace the shed door open for them so they can escape the wind if they're so inclined. We have plenty to keep us busy indoors if the weather stays wild for a time.

We've heard more interesting news from the local station today, something that's always welcome. 63 people are working hard at the gruesome task of body retrieval. While no numbers were given, it seems the work is going well. Several farmers or members of their families are assisting by having brought in teams of horses & wagons in which to transport remains. We can see the smoke pillar frfom here, so they've begun the burning. May God keep them close to His heart during this difficult task. The mayor also passed on that with more assistance available than he'd hoped & prayed for, supplies are needed. He'd love to see some more gloves & masks, if people have any to spare. Blerach would be helpful too & dramamine is running low. Those poor, poor people; to think they're being made ill by this task. I'll take extra time to pray for them this afternoon during my quiet time.

Some homes have already been cleared for others to move into & the mayor stated that anyonw wishing to move in simply has to reporrt their intentions to City Hall. 936 people have now made it known that they're alive & well, planning to work hard this spring, summer & fall to grow food for themselves, their families & some extra for emergencies. We've heard several groups on the shorrtwave & that's heartening. Some are alone & sound so saddened to be stuck where they're presently located. Many of these would like to move closer to town & are getting together over the radios & making plans. How grrateful I feel, that we already have a good grroup of people together, plans for work & the will & good health to carry out our plans.

We had quite a aurprise earlier this morning. Jared came belting into the house shorttly after breakfast & spoke! Two words only, but it was so welcome. He tugged frantically at Tom's sleeve & said: "Man! Horse!" & pointed to the road. Sure enough, down the road we could see a man slowly approaching on horseback. We took precautions of course, making sure the children were safely inside & most of the adults had rifles in their arms before much more than a minute passed. The man, a fellow by the name of James from an outlying farm, was on his way into town to help with body retrieval. He stopped well back frfom the gate, keeping his hands clearly in view & said he was simply glad to see other people, to drink in the sight of living, breathing human beings. He's lost his family & says his land is low lying & won't be workable for weeks. He hopes to work disposing of bodies for a time then, if he can find willing workers, will return home & plant his crops. He has no livestock left; he was ill himself & his animals died before he recovered enough to see to them. Drew offered him some chickens & a few cows when he returns. He's simply to stop by, enjoy a hot meal & if he's bringing people with him, to try & let us know by radio before returning. We cautiously brought him a few notes for Andy & Joe & he said he'd happily deliver them. My, it was nice to see someone new, someone not settling here. It's our first visible proof of someone else planning much the same work we are. James grows cattle corn, hay & oats, livestock feed basically & is certain he'll find a market for it. He told us his farm is about 4 hours away by horse & that sometime over the summer, he'd like to visit & of course, we're welcome to drop in. A bit easrly for such plans, but we'll see.

I'm not sure what was more exciting; seeing James or hearing Jared finally speak. Tom took him for a bit of a walk later & told me a short time ago that while Jared spoke no further words, Tom praised him, telling him that what he'd had to tell us was important & exactly what we needed from all folks here, warnings of anything unusual. He told Jared that as a 'reward', he'd ask Mark to give him an extra session on a pony this afternoon. Now normally, I'm not inclined to reward children for doing what they should be doing anyway, but Jared is a bit of a special case & we hope that such a reward will encourage him to use his tongue more. "Children should be seen & not heard" is a fine adage, but this child overuses it somewhat!

It's odd today, in spite of the warmer weather & our excellent progress in planned work, I feel a bit blue. No I must be honest, I feel sad. I've been choking back tears since I woke & even the usual sights & sounds of laughing children, calves frolicking in the pasture & Maxine managing a few smiles hasn't been enough to shake that feeling. It's been many weeks now since that first horrifying news of what was going on with The Outbreak. We've felt great fear, our faith has been tested & there has been no shortage of tears. Our worls, what we knew of it & how we percieved it & dealt with it seems irrevokable changed. Perhaps that's not the case, but it certainly sppears that way from where we are here & now. Might it be making you smile, my descendants, if I tell you I feel as though I'm the only "little old lady" left alive? Surely that can't be but what I wouldn't give to see one other person over the age of 70! At the very least, we could huddle quietly & discuss the ravages of time, arthritis, lost friends & fading memories. Oh, this IS silly & God must be shakihng his head & tutting, but I can relate to Annette's stated feeling that she'd kill for just one girl her age to chat with.

We're well spread in age here. I'm 81, Tom is approaching 60 & as Drew likes to state, he's "kicking 50 in the teeth". We have people in their forties, thrities, twenties & teens. We have young ones & a baby on the way. We know numbers of surivors locally are approaching 1,000 & while we'll undoubtably lose more, we have the beginnings of a resurrected community. Why then, do I feel so alone among my family & with my God? Perhaps it's simply the whinsical inclinations of an aging woman, one who's life is approaching it's end. After Greg died, I simply wanted to see another spring, flowers bursting from the rich earth, birds nesting & the land slowly waking. Now, I want more - don't I always? I want so see our crop safely in. I want to celebrate a birth. Yes, I want, I want, I want. It seems endless & you'd think at my age, wants would be few & far between but no, there's always something new to want.

Oh dear, so much for thinking on paper. There's a bit of commotion out in the yard; I'd best see what that's about.

[CanadaSue]

Well, that was certainly an exciting afternoon, but not the sort of excitement we'd normally be seeking. David came racing through the yard screaming at the top of his lungs that: "Izzy hurted herself bad with blood everywhere & I think she's all dead now!" Oh my, my heart sank. He finally managed to tell us she was in the cattle barn & most of us tore out there. She was lying on the floor, just below the edge of the loft & Jared was holding her in his lap, tears rolling down his cheeks. She wasn't quite unconscious, but very drowsy & had quite a gash on her head. It seems she'd been rolling around up there playing with the kittens & simply rolled a little too far & fell. She hit her head right on the edge of a floor board & is now sporting a shaved tonsure like hairdo & 6 stitches.

What a fright she gave us all. Anne determined she did not have a fracture of the skull, not one that's apparent but has a moderate concussion. She's not thrown up or anything that serious but is still very much 'not with it' as Sam used to say. I'll give her this, she may be willful & foolish at times but she's brave enough & can handle pain. With a concussion, Anne simply cannot give her anything very strong - not yet & anyone who's had stitches knows how badly freezing hurts. Anne took her time explaining what she had to do; freeze the area, give it a good cleaning then stitch it together. She was honest in telling Isabelle that the freezing would burn, but that she'd feel no more than the merest tugging during the stitching process. Isabelle gave one small yelp, then brightened up quite a bit as the pain was numbed. Once the blood was cleaned up, the cut wasn't that bad; fairly extensive but not deep. Anne did a good job with the stitches & because they're in her hair, no one will ever see the scar.

She'll be spending the next day or so in bed with her head raised just enough to prevent too much pressure or headaches. As she improves, she'll be allowed to sit up, but Anne wants to try & keep her as quiet as possible for a good week. Thank goodness this didn't happen right when we're to be planting! We had to calm David too while this was going on - he wanted to stay with his sister but at his age, that's a bit too much blood to deal with. Little ones almost always are so upset by the sight of blood. We let Jared stay though. He had clamped on to her hand & did not seem inclined to let go. His eyes never left Isabelle's head or Anne's hands as she carefully did her work. He's as tough in his own way as Isabelle is. Once she was cleaned up, bandaged & Anne pronounced treatment complete for now, he leaned over & gave Anne a great big hug. So, some good may come from this.

Anne asked Jared if he'd be willing to sit with Izzy for a while as we cleaned up the mess, calmed down & prepared a light meal for everyone. None of us were very hungry but food was still needed. He nodded, then hesitated & croaked out a quiet: "Yes." Anne made it clear to him that he was to watch for certain things, Izzy feeling like she had to throw up, breathing strangely or if she complained of any real pain or other problems. He'd have to come & TELL us that or at least call for us - could he handle that? Again, he was able to answer verbally, saying: "Sure!" Anne reassured him she'd be in quite often to check on both Isabelle & he & that he didn't have to worry about staying there too long. It seems he did see what happened & Tom will take him aside later & ask him to please explain how she came to fell out of the loft; what he saw. I'm sure it's as she managed to tell us, she was rolling around & simply rolled too far. It was be nice to have that confirmed however as we must now watch for other injuries. Anne says she'll no doubt be quite stiff & sore tomorrow, especially her neck & she may bruise up pretty badly.

So that's been our excitement for the afternoon & evening, really. Jean has offered to spend the night with her or rather, move Izzy into her & Sarah's room & she's willing to wake up every hour to wake Isabelle, to make sure the concussion isn't something worse. Anne will of course be woken should anything out of ordinary be noted & she'll be waking every 3 hours or so regardless, to check for herself. Frankly, we're more concerned for Anne than we are for Izzy. The girl will be fine but coming on the heels of the last acident here, Anne is understandably shaken. I know she's asking herself, over & over, "Have I misseed anything? Will she be alright?" Unfortunately, only time will ease her concerns. Tom will stay close to home & to Anne tomorrow, to prop her up should she upset herself too much. Once she helped put Izzy to bed in Jean's room, she sat in the kitchen & shook & shook for a good half hour before she could let go enough to cry. Pure reaction & memory of what happened to Greg. Sam & Maxine were also having a tough time, but I think they're in better shape. Anne after all has the responsability of treatment & is bound to see the issue differently.

Most of the rest of the day was spent finishing up what outdoor tasks we could. The men finished all but one section of fence repair & that pasture is at the edge of the property, off to the back. Most of the rest of our community helped cut the smaller limbs off the trees the women had skidded over, then got those piled up. We all made sure windows were well fastened & that we had extra water in the house. The stock is either in the barn or all in the home pasture with access to the barn. They have hay rolls spread both in the pasture & barn & the horses have been seen too & extra bedding put in their stalls. Every loose object that has managed to find its way to the porch or yard has been brought under shelter or fastened down Drew now thinks we have a BIG storm coming. We started this morning with a barometric pressure of 101.32 millibars - I like that system because it's more precise & now it's at 100.68 & still dropping. The wind is beginning to kick up & it's almost below freezing. It's clouding up fast now, with very dark cloud visible to the west. And my, do I mean DARK! If it were summer, I'd be worried about severe thunderstorms. It's at times like this you miss the weather alerts. The radio says we should expect quite a mess, perhaps ice pellets, snow & strong winds. Well, we've battened down as best we can & we all have indoor work to keep us busy.

Annette, Mark & Alex have offered to put on a bit of a show for the little ones tomorrow after lunch, assuming they can't get out, they've done their chores & any school work om has assigned them. They won't tell us what they're planning, but promise it should generate some laughter. They've spent the last few hours in Noreen & Drew's room planning whatever they're doing with much giggling. Jean is also involved & Morgan. Well, I'll have to contain my curiosity, won't I? Maxine baked a half dozen pies for dessert as well as a dozen or so various meat pies for tonight & tomorrow. If we're stuck indoors she announced, we may as well simply east wehen we're hungry. We have a warming oven in the old kitchen stove & she'll make fresh bread in the morning. She also told us she's planning on a bubble bath tonight, using some of the delightful stuff from the goody basket Sarah & Noreen brought back. I laughed to hear both these women explain how they "smuggled" surprises for each other back on the sled - quite the accomplishment. Neither had any idea what the other was doing.

I'm quite worn out all of a sudden, must be a result of all the excitement. Under any circumstances, Isabelle's accident would have been a shock to any family she had but right now, all such events seem magnified in importance. It may serve to settle her down some, making her less heedless & more inclined to think through her actions. She is going to get one unexpected benefit from this. Once or twice a day, the kittens will 'come in for a visit'. With a storm coming, we've moved DC & the kittens into the back pantry & it weill be easy enough to bring the kittens upstairs. She'll have to understand this is simply temporary though, but I suspect that like it or not, we're going to end up with a kitten moving permanently in the house. Jean finally was able to sex them - they're both little males & she says she can handle neutering them when the time comes. Good, we hardly need a farm over run with cats of all colors, sizes & ages. 3 cats to keep down vermin is plenty.

Annette is still bottle feeding that calf; the one who's mother had the twins. Doing that during a storm is going to be a chore, especially doing it every 3 hours. We'll have to arrange for others to spell her off. The horses are all healed as far as cuts, scrape, scratches & such goes & their only 'problem' right now is that they've begun shedding their winter coats. So have the cattle for that matter. Such scratching! Every fence post & available piece of wood firmly nailed down or in the ground has become a scratching post. I expect birds pick up the shed hair to use in nesting.

Speaking of nesting, we've seen & heard geese for several days now & Drew is convinced a flock of geese in hunkering down in his back swamp until the storm passes. Drew was up very early this morning, wanting to take a bit of quiet time to himself. He walked out into the woods & hunched down to listen & see what animals might be passing. He says rabbits are about & he could hear deer moving., Does will be having fawns anytime now & the birds are more numerous & louder. I'm glad only the crocus are up; they can handle a blanket of fresh snow as few other spring flowers can.

Maxine, Anne & Cindy have been going through childrens' sized clothing, putting together spring wardrobes for all the children. Their winter clothing will soon be too heavy & summer isn't here yet. One annoying aspect of spring is frequently, you must begin your day fairly bundled up. By mid morning, you're shedding layers & by midafternoon, you may have a glorious hour or 2 in shorts. By 3, you're adding layers again. At least mosquitoes aren't out that early! Spring here can still bring very cold nights, so winter bedding will certainly remain on our beds & cots for a time.

We're restless for spring now, REAL spring, even with the hard work it will bring. I long to hear the muted song of water running off through the woodlands & the breezes whistling through the first newly minted leaves on trees. I want to smell sun warmed pine sap & freshly turned earth. Annette dreams of the time she can gallop a horse alone through a field. Drew said that will wait until she can ride much better & he's checked at least one area of field for animal dens & other holes. He says we must be constantly vigilent for those as they can break a cow or horse's leg quite easily.

I must return to the coming storm. I always get a bit of a headache when a bad one is coming & right now, I feel as though a copper band is squeezing my head together, just above the eyes. The children are edgy & Sarah can't sit still. We all seem snappy & even the animals are restless. The pressure is now down to 99.72 mb & the temperature has dropped to 33 degrees. It's almost sunset & the sky is very dark - it seems darker with no city lights. The wind has died & we may be in the 'calm before the storm' period. The radio station has a small weather station on the roof, a barometer, one of those thermometers that measures, current temps, highest & lowest over 24 hours & an instrument that measures wind speed. They confirm air pressure is dropping fast & some of those who visited the radio station today are saying they "feel" a bad one coming. Healed broken bones & arthritic hips are aching, some are succumbing to migraine & others simply feel very uneasy.

How wonderful to be safe & warm inside our rambling yet cosy home here. We have fires laid in all the stoves & fireplaces & Tom is going to read the children a bedtime story involving a fierce storm & a little boy who had to help get medecine for his mother after they were snowed in. I know the story he means, it's dramatic enough to give the little ones delicious shivers without seriously frightening them. He'll ask too if anyone is really afraid of heavy snow falling & high winds. A few are bound to be nervous. It seems to be instinctive in kids somehow.

We're going to eat early, more a very late lunch or early supper - could I call that a "lupper" or even "sunch"? We can snack throughout the evening & we've decided instead of our regular meetings to have a family singalong & games night. Alex says he can do some pretty good shadow figures with his hands & he's writing out a story for Tom to read which he can act out with shadows. We'll do up popcorn, hot chocolate & perhaps we adults can allow ourselves a small tipple. Why not? The aftermath of the storm will bring clean up & repair work & we'll have to wait through the next melt period, hoping it's the last of the real bad snow. Our shovels are ready, as are buckets of sand & road salt for melting any ice patches that appear.

But now, everything is quiet save for the kids being a bit rambunctious. Maxine & Louise are threatening dire chore loads if they don't settle down. I'm hoping Andy will take them out for a last run around the yard before the storm starts. Cindy looks like she needs a nap & I'll admit I could use one myself. I think I'll disappear for an hour or 2 & hopefully doze until I'm called for supper. I may write more tonight, if we don't have too much fun during out sing - along.

[CanadaSue]

Goodness, I'd forgotten yesterday was April Fool's Day; we all did. Perhaps the weather was Mother Nature's April's Fool trick on us. It was a fine morning, warm with only a few clouds - a fine early spring day. I had no sooner put this diary down to join the others for our evening family gathering when the storm struck. And struck is the right word. We had a short period of calm then the wind hit us like a hammer, a few minutes before the snow began falling. What a wild night we had & it's still going on. The snow is that horrid, heavy stuff & is falling very thickly. Never mind seeing out to the front gate, several hundred yards away; we can't see the one woodpile only about 20 feet from the kitchen door.

I expect we'll have wind damage before this is over. The children had trouble sleeping as the room they're in has a gabled roofline & 2 dormer windows. It makes for strange noises as the wind rushes past these interesting roof & window angles. Actually, no one slept terribly well. Jean was spending the night with Izzy anyhow & Anne was getting up every few hours to see to her condition. Sarah spent the night with the other girls & Jake bunked in with the boys. Jake said the wind startled even him so he can imagine how frightened the kids got. We heard one tremendous bang about 3 in the morning, but we can't see what caused that with visibility so poor.

Sam struggled out this morning, moving about 40 or so feet from the house. He says the snow is almost up to his knees on average. Some spots are bare while drifts are forming again in more sheltered areas in the lea of the wind. It's bitterly cold with a base temperature of 22 & a wind Sam estimates is blowing at a good 40 miles an hour - real blizzard conditions. I hope the animals are alright. Sam had wanted to see if the cattle had moved back into the barn, but couldn't make it that far, even with a guide rope.

There was little to do this morning. We all pitched in & tidied up the house & Sarah, Maxine & Anne measured the children for clothing. Some of the lighter spring clothing needs shortening & other adjustments. Might as well do that now & most of we women are spending some time on that today. Morgan had the forethought yesterday evening to bring in what he needs to rig the shower system from Tom's kitchen & several of the men are currently working on that. Alex has been trying to moniter local radio, with very little luck. He's getting more static than anything else.

We're having problems with the firplaces today; the chimneys refuse to draw properly & periodically smoke billows into some of the rooms - not pleasant at all. Tom & Drew are letting those burn out until the wind dies & we'll simply spend most of our time in the kitchen & the several other rooms where the wood stoves are drawing properly. As long as it doesn't become too cold, this should not be a burden.

Isabelle is doing well. She's in a lot of pain of course, but her condition did not worsen during the night, so it seems that other than needing stitches & being concussed we have no other concerns with her. She is VERY stiff in the neck & shoulders, especially her right one. Jared said she seemed to hit on that side. She even has a black eye on her left side. We had to wake her every hour during the night to make sure she wasn't getting worse, but Anne has judged we can cut that back to 3 hours tonight. She's napping now, after a light meal of soup & a dinner roll. Her stitches Anne report, are fine & she'll remove them in another 8 or 9 days.

I'd mentioned the pain. The most Anne is willing to do for her is give her a crushed Tylenol #1. That is helping but it's unfortunate she can't have a slightly stronger dose. She's complaining of a fierce headache. I can just imagine. She's drowsy & no wonder. That's a tremendous shock to the body & of course having to wake her hasn't helped. I've spent some time reading short stories to her & helped wash her up this morning. She was pleased to see the kittens this morning, but less enthusiastic than I'd expected - surely a sign that she's feeling poorly. Jared has been slipping in & out of her room quietly all day; very anxious about her condition. It must have frightened him half to death to see her fall like that.

He was able to tell Tom what happened & it was exactly as she related to us. She was lying down up there, playing with the kittens & simply rolled too far. The most important part of that account is of course, Jared actually TELLING Tom what happened. He hasn't said too much more to any of us, about anything, but that's a fantastic start, we all feel. Sam has cautioned us to not push him on the issue of speech; to let him begin speaking with us as his comfort level allows. I had planned on going into see Isabelle earlier when Jared was visiting. I didn't go in as I heard her speaking to Jared. She'd ask him if he could say a word & he would - just that word, then he'd wait. After a while she got silly, asking if he could say words such as: "poop" & "cat pee"; childish nonsense like that. They were obviously having fun & he was speaking, so I simply turned around & tiptoed away.

Tom, Alex & I spent some time with the younger children doing school work. Alex has a wonderful reading voice & can make a childrens' story come alive. Tom has asked him to periodically read to the kids. Right now, he's started them on Swiss Family Robinson. Our children know that story but it's new to the others. After each day's reading, he'll ask them to do some sort of work based on what they listened to that day. Perhaps they can write a "wish list" for survivors on desert islands or add up how many coconuts one would need for 2 meals. It's an ideal story for our situation & Carol seems fascinated. She kept asking 'what if' questions & thinking hard when encouraged to try & find her own answers. She & Ashley can hardly wait to plant their little 3 x 3 foot gardens. It's hard not to smile. They are agonizing over what "crops" to try & each has enough planned to fill half an acre.

I'd mentioned we were going to have a family gathering of a different type last night, more of a family gathering, a singalong & games night. We began that with a wonderful surprise for all of us. She was going to wait until Joe returned if should could stand to, but Louise admitted it was hard to keep secret. She too is going to have a baby! It seems she must have become pregnant just before Joe was called in to duty as she estimates she's now a litle more than 3 months along. No woinder she's seemed tired. She had asked Anne earlier if she might be pregnant & Anne was quite certain she was, but it was not her secret to break. We are SO delighted by this news. She'll be having the baby at harvest time, in September. The timing isn't great, but when is it ever with a baby? It is good in the sense that Cindy's baby will be 2 months old by then & may already be sleeping through the night. Cindy will certainly have some advice for her & the 2 will share a major interest.

That news certainly changed our evening agenda. We felt we had to celebrate immediately of course & we broke out the hot chocolate for the kids & even a couple of bottles of champagne for the adults. Anne told Louise she could safely allow herself one glass, but she says she prefers to wait a little longer. She settled on a huge mug of frozen orange juice. She couldn't stop blushing for quite some time & she was just beaming. Drew & Tom immediately told her she was to "take it easy" but she wasn't having any of that. Good for her! Pregnancy is NOT a disease & I have no doubt she'll continue to be sensible. She & Cindy are close in size, so Cindy will pass on to her maternity clothing she's outgrown.

My, what an evening. It lightened all our hearts & we even carried in Isabelle for half an hour or so, to celebrate with us. We then spent almost 2 hours playing charades & sang together for over an hour. What a pleasant evening - the fireplace was flickering away & the wind was just a pleasant backdrop to laughter & music. We discovered some rather pleasant signing voices among our folk & Morgan plays a mean harmonica. We have a couple of guitars & Mark, as well as Alex can more or less play the songs we enjoy. They've promised to learn more of everyone's favorites.

We also spent time simply chatting & enjoyed the chance to let the children speak of their concerns & interests. Everything has been business & work lately. Even Jared spoke, saying: "I like it here & I like the horses." The kids all want to learn to ride as soon as they can. They also asked about swimming this summer, ,would they be able to do so in the pond, could they fish? Would they have time for picnics; all these things vital to young ones. Of course we'll fit in time for such things. They sound like perfect activities for a Sunday afternoon.

The evening went on longer than we'd planned on but simply because we were enjoying ourselves so much. We discovered Sarah also sketches pretty decent caricatures & she did a hilarious one of Morgan, ,standing there with a tool belt bristling with tools & a length of pipe in his hands. He has a very large, beaked nose; an easy feature to caricature. Then of course, each child insisted on having a caricature done of them & those were quite funny. Each child is planning on hanging their 'portrait' in their bedrooms & Tom has asked Sarah for the occasional sketch of farm life for the Journal - a wonderful idea. She's offered, as the weather gets better, to do a drawing of the farm house from a few different angles.

Jean sang a few solos for us, what a voice that young lady has. She tells us Ashley sings well too, although she was too shy to sing alone. We discovered Mark is really good at charades. He admits to having done drama club for a few years but his workload at school was too heavy this year. Oh it was a wonderful evening & we ended by praying together for strength to do the hard work approaching, for the health of our family & livestock & that The Outbreak would end soon.

There does appear to be some encouraging news on that front. One of the departments still working hard is the CDC & military unit that handles disease - I never remember their name or acronym. They have been examing the virus & are almost ready to announce they know how it was changed. Knowing that, they hope they can create a new vaccine fairly quickly. I'm not holding my hopes up too highly. At the best of times, these vaccines can take years & these are not the best of times. They've lost people too & I'm not sure if there's any manufacturing plant left which could do the work under present conditions. We'll have to wait & see I guess.

Well, I really should rest a while. My hand is stiff & cramped frrom writing & I could use a cup of tea. Tom mentioned writing down Morgan's story sometime today & I'll probably have something else to add. But for now, hot tea & maybe some quiet reading...

[CanadaSue]

Morgan's story...


I'm not from around here originally. I was born in Chicago & lived there until I was 25 or thereabouts. I wasn't a nice person as a kid. I managed to get into all sorts of trouble - hated school & did my best to avoid it. I just didn't care about getting an education; figured if I was willing to work, I could always find a job. That was my problem though; I was allergic to work. I think I was only 4 days past my 16th birthday when I quit school. Hell, I was still in ninth grade. It wasn't that I was too stupid to learn; I could read & write just fine & did okay in math too. I just couldn't be bothered to pay attention in class or do the work. I spent most of my time day dreaming - about being rich, having a fast car, getting the pretty girls. I was shoplifting by twelve & thought I was a real tough guy. Oh I eventually got caught & did some juvie time, but I didn't learn a thing. You've heard the definition of stupid; the one that goes: "A stupid person is one who does the same thing over & over expecting different results"? Well, that was me. I was going to pull off bigger hauls, not get caught; all that nonsense. My parents kicked me out the day I turned 18. They were fed up bailing me out, paying for lawyers. You think I appreciated it? Not a chance!

At 19 I got caught shoplifting again & this time caught a judge who saw right through me. He sent me to prison for 6 months. Let me tell you, prison is a whole different ballgame. Boy, you want to meet tough? That's where you will. Tough & mean, ruthless & merciless. I was scared out of my mind every minute I was there. It got so I didn't want to leave my cell. You never know what people are going to want from you & it's never to your advantage.

When I got out, I pulled a decent probation officer for my 9 months probation. I was lucky; a friend was able & willing to give me a bed until I got myself squared away. I couldn't find a job though, not with only 8th grade. That was a shock, I'll tell ya. I think that's when I got the most scared, when I realized that I might have messed up the rest of my life dreaming stupid dreams instead of doing what I should. Hang on now - dreams aren't stupid. But you can't JUST dream. You have to ask: "How do I make my dream happen?" I somehow hadn't figured that out yet. My probation officer gave me a real chance. A friend of his is a contractor & was looking for a kid to do Joe jobs. He told me if I worked hard & kept my nose clean & found I liked some aspect of the business, he'd see what he could do to help.

Maybe I was ready to hear it - I dunno. But all I could see was years & years ahead, scrambling to fill my belly on not much pay. This guy built houses & only handled 3 or 4 at once, a real small contractor. That worked well for me though. His crews were small & really knew their stuff. There was no BS tolerated from jerks like me who knew squat. The boss took me out for a beer, ONE beer & read me the riot act. Or told me the facts of real life, if you will. He told me I wasn't the first wanna be bad ass punk he'd taken on. I was starting with a clean slate as far as he was concerned but if I messed up, I was gone. This was the real world & I'd be dealing with grownups that have been around the block more than once.

He gave me a ride home & before he left me, gave me present of sorts; what he called his "new employee starter kit". It had a mother big alarm clock; the old fashioned kind that would wake the dead. It was already set to four thirty, as I had to be on site at six. Hell, back then, I didn't "do" six. Had to, I guess. There was a loaner pair of work boots & a promise that if I stuck out the week, he'd buy me a new pair & take it out of my pay over a few week period. There were also work gloves & a lunch pail. Inside the lunch pail was a voucher which read: "Alex, fill this kid's pail with enough food for a q14 hour shift" & the address of an all night diner.

This was scary stuff for me & I couldn't help wondering what the hell I was getting myself into. But it was that or probably end up back in jail & I knew I didn't like it there or have much chance of making something of my life. Oh God, that first day was hell & the rest of the week a blur of racked up muscles I'd never used in my life, sore back & neck, not to mention my arms & shoulders. I'd never come close to working that hard & I hated it. I'm not sure what made me stick; probably the other guys telling me I didn't really have what it took & openly taking bets on how long I'd last. The boss, at the end of every day, told me how much I'd earned that day & gave me a cumulative total each day of that first week. I might only have been doing menial jobs, but the pay worked out to $12 an hour. I'd never seen that kind of money in my life.

My probation officer kept pretty close tabs on me. He made sure I understood that room & board payments come first & that the better I acted at my friend's, the longer he'd probably let me stay. I was starting to understand that an ex-con, even a short timer, isn't going to get much of a break from anyone. My officer told me I was probably not going to be able to rent my own place until I had a clean record for a year with steady employment. Oh that really ticked me off; but the probation officer was having none of that. He kept telling me I'd put myself in that mess & I was the only one who could dig me out.

Funny, after a couple of weeks I wasn't quite so sore & tired anymore & didn't hit the sack the minute I came home. When the boss gave me that first pay cheque, my probation officer, Mark his name was, made sure he met me at work - smart man. He made me open a bank account; I'd never had one before. Then he had me figure out how much I owed my buddy for room & board. He suggested that on my own, I up the board amount. He knew I'd be eating more as I got better at the work & stronger. He was right too. My bud sure appreciated it & my room was safe.

I worked from early May through the end of October & the boss had to lay me off then. He warned me in advance that this was seasonal work & that this would have to happen. He suggested I grab any decent job offered me. His definition of decent was honest work, with a pay cheque & never mind anything else. Even with a good recommendation from him & starting a few weeks before being laid off, it was tough. I was ticked off having to settle for dishwashing & cleaning a restaurant after it closed for the night, but it was honest work. I did that all winter, until the Boss called me back to work. The second season was a lot better. He had 7 houses to do & I was able to work as an assistant in most of the trades involved in building houses. I found it weird that I really got off on plumbing, but I did. There's something neat about magically bringing in water & getting waste out, I thought. One of the 2 senior plumbers had worked some pretty big jobs, skyscrapers & some underground shopping complexes. I found his stories of jobs & problems he encountered & helped solve fascinating.

It was a good summer. Some days, it was 18 hours on the job but the pay mounted up & I was still at my buddy's house. He was having some money problems & renting me the extra bedroom helped him out. I'd kept my nose clean & gotten off probation but Mark & I kept in touch. He suggested I take some GED courses over the winter while I worked. I didn't find that nearly as tiring as the construction jobs & the work itself was easy. I mean, ninth grade English & algebra? Not a problem. The Boss had made sure I do some of calculations for board lengths, dry wall; that sort of things. Oh he didn't depend on MY measurements, but wanted me to try them on my own. I got them right most of the time & soon - all of the time.

So I did that. I managed to get a job doing night shift cleaning in a mall. I'd work from 11 at night to seven thirty in the morning. I'd do any errands I needed to do, go home & usually sleep from about 10 until 4 or 5. At 20 or thereabouts, you don't need that much sleep. That first winter, I took English, math & American history. I don't know why, but I loved it. I could do it; I was good at it & the history teacher I had as wonderful. I ended up doing those subjects at 9th & 10th grade levels & finished just before it was time to go back to working construction.

The boss had a proposal to me. He offered me a chance to help the plumbers all summer & make sure I like it. If it worked out & the plumbers thought I had what it takes, he'd sponsor me as an apprentice. I jumped on that & spent the next 4 years finishing high school through GED & working through my apprenticeship. It was long & hard work, but I kept at it. God, I wanted to pack it in so many times but I'm stubborn & I wanted to know I could make it at something.

My last year of apprenticeship, I met Judy. Talk about timing; just as I was really at a low point, feeling like I'd never get ahead, I met this wonderful girl. She worked at the building supply store & man when I saw her... they talk about love at first sight & it was sure that for me. It took me almost a month to convince her to go out with me, but she finally did & after a rocky start, we found we got along really well. She encouraged me to stick with it; to finish up & get a good job. And I did just that.

We married when I was 27 & Judy 26. We stayed in Chicago almost 10 years, both of us working hard & saving for our own home & perhaps a business. We wanted kids, both of us but it simply never happened. We learned to deal with that in our ways & both of us spent quite a bit of time working with disadvantaged children when we could. We wanted to adopt, but the lists were so long. The fact that we were childless though, helped us save money & we moved here.

We loved it right away. Compared to Chicago people are warm & friendly. I got hired on at the feed plant almost right away & by 6 years ago, had enough to start my own business. At first, I offered weekend/night & evening service only & kept my day job until I started getting a reputation as someone reliable to call out. By this fall, I had a fleet of 4 trucks & 9 plumbers working for me. Man that was exciting. It's scary opening your own business; are you going to be able to make it work? Can you earn enough to eat & pay your mortgage or rent? Judy kept her job & helped me with accounts, licenses & other paperwork in the evenings. We hoped that within another year, we'd have enough of a safety margin in the bank to allow her to quit & work as a full time partner, handling the business side of things.

Holidays are always a busy time for me. Not many tradesmen like to work Christmas, especially when they have kids, but it was fine for us. We developed a custom of celebrating Christmas in January, usually around the 10th. We saved our gifts to each other for then & sometimes squeezed in a long weekend to Florida or Arizona - nothing expensive, just warmth, sun & relaxation. We weren't going this year. We were both pretty tired after a busy year & we just wanted to hand over the day to day running of the operation to my senior employee & spend a quiet weekend at home.

I was preparing a supply order the day the news came & Judy called me from work. I don't often have the TV on when I'm doing paperwork. We were both pretty scared. We both deal with the public & we were afraid we might have already contracted it. Neither of us knew anything about smallpox. We'd had the shots as kids & figured we were fine, until we heard that the shots we got as kids were now pretty much worthless. Judy had her credit cards with her & when she left work, she stopped at the grocery store & filled her van with food. She was 3 hours doing that, but we figured 3 months ought to see us through, assuming we didn't get sick.

But we did get sick. I had a real light touch of it but Judy... poor Judy had the one where you don't see anything much - just a lot of bleeding right at the end. I don't even like thinking about those last days with her. I sat with her & held her hand for most of it & talked when she was awake. We shared memories, especially funny ones. She knew she wouldn't make it; I was the one who didn't want to let go. I think she may have tried to hold on a few hours longer, until she felt I could handle her dying. But after some time, she just couldn't anymore. She squeezed my hand & just... faded.

I'm not proud of how I reacted. I got drunk. Blind stinking drunk & stayed that way for about 2 days after I dressed her in her wedding gown & buried her. I dug through that damned frozen ground for almost 16 hours; it got easier once I got through the frozen layers. I had that first drink or three because my hands hurt so badly. They were blistered & bleeding, but I got my Judy buried.

The hangover was fierce, probably worse than the pain from my hands would have been without the whiskey. It was 2 days before I could keep food down & I spent a lot of that time just walking around the town. I can't even tell you why, I just did. I suppose I'm lucky I didn't get mugged although why anyone would mug anyone now escapes me. It's not as if money means anything.

I couldn't go on acting like that though; I had enough sense left to know that would kill me slowly. Judy was gone & I'll never, ever find her like - I don't want to. But you can't spend life feeling sorry for yourself. I knew I was still alive for a reason, if I didn't know why. I figured maybe it was time I found out. I spent a few days eating properly & resting. We had a small wood stove in our study thank God, so I could eat & stay warm. I always keep gas at home as sometimes you're called out pretty late & you don't want to run out. I remember only feeling pretty numb during those days; numb & exhausted, yet I couldn't sleep very well. I spent hours huddled up on a chair in the study, staring at the fire & trying to think. But either my brain refused to go into gear or it went so fast I couldn't pin down a thought long enough to focus on it.

After several days I had to shake myself together before I fell apart. I knew I didn't want to stay in that house; I couldn't bear to. But where should I go? I didn't have a clue & never since I was a dropout did I feel so aimless. I almost panicked for a few hours. Man! Talk about feeling like a baby again. I didn't feel safe going out to find other people quite yet. I hated the thought I might make someone ill & I still had a few scabs. By that point, I'd forgotten how long after you started getting better you were not infectious. Did that make sense? I mean I thought I might still cause someone to get sick. So I paced around the house, desperately trying to figure out what to do next. The place was cold & getting colder. My plants were all dead or dying & it felt like the whole damned world was dying.

It eventually occurred to me that I hadn't turned over my van's engine in what had to be almost 2 months, so I gave that a try. No way Jose. Well, at least I had something to do. I disconnected the battery & brought it in to warm up. No way I could warm up the rest of the garage though & I could only hope that once that battery was warm it would put out enough amps to turn over the engine. I did as much of a tuneup as I could though - not that it needed much of one; I keep my fleet in working order. No van, no contracts, no pay, right? But I gave the battery a good 24 or so hours, then put it back in. It did finally start the engine, just when I was afraid it was running out of steam. I had to try about 6 times. I vowed then NOT to let that puppy go without turning it over at least once every 6 hours if it stayed that cold. I cleaned it out too while I was it. I figured even if I was stuck where I was until snow melted, I could pack it up with what I needed, and then hit the road for parts unknown.

I spent some time going through the house & packing up what I absolutely couldn't live without - some photos of Judy, momentoes; you know the sort of thing I mean. I packed some of my favorite clothes too & then hit different stores in town trying to stock up on what I needed. I've always gardened & I grabbed many large packages of seeds. Hard work I can cope with & I figured if I could move out early enough in spring, I wouldn't have to go too far before I found a nice little piece of land. I'd be able to hunt & fish & there had to be some loose cattle out there. I figured I could always catch me a cow & learn to milk. With luck she'd have a calf. Nope, I don't know a thing about cows, but that's what books are for. I made sure I stopped at the bookstore & picked up some basic manuals; "Cows 101" type of stuff & a few books on wilderness living. There's always good information to be picked up in those books & I made sure I had some which covered hunting, dressing meat & turning hide into useable leather. It didn't take me that much time to collect a whole bunch of stuff; the hard part was trying to be sure I had what I need. Lists from old settlers were only partially helpful. Oh their lists were fine, but did I need everything on their lists? No, not really. After all, I wasn't planning on going too far, just leaving my house & getting a bit farther out of town. Plus, whatever land I picked would probably have a house of some sort with useful things in it. What I didn't have, I could travel into town to get. I planned to keep as much gas as possible & one of things I picked up was that gas stabilizer stuff - Stabil or something.

I still ended up with a vanful; after all, I figured I'd best grab all the food I could. I'm glad I'm NOT on my own, because did I think to pick up salt, pepper, ketchup, mustard & the like? Hell, no! But I had lots of Boil in a Bag meals to tided me over & every canned item I liked, instant this, that & everything... I might not be eating tasty, but I would eat. I planned on picking out a place, cleaning out whatever or whoever needed to be cleaned out, then moving my stuff in. If I didn't go far, I'd have well more than enough gas to make more food runs. I know a few places where a lot of the food stores are kept in the back because the shelving out front is too small.

When I left, I had just enough room to shift things around so I could sleep at night. The driving wasn't great, but I really needed to get out by that point. God, I don't think I got more than 10 miles before bogging down in a drift. I had the feeling I was going to be stuck there for a good long while & decided I'd best start looking around for a place. I did have snowshoes thank God. I brought a rifle with me & a big, white towel to wave around in case I ran into anyone unexpectedly. Look, I was looking for an EMPTY place but these days, who's gonna trust who? I wouldn't look kindly on someone casually walking up to me; would you?

I'm not sure who was more shocked when I walked around that snowdrift, Joe or me. God, I heard dogs, but never imagined a dog team. I was hoping maybe a nice friendly big dog would be there; I sure felt like I needed a friend by that point. I'm not sure what expression he had on his face though; the only face I was looking at was the seemingly LARGE black face of a rifle barrel. Screw towels, I just dropped down. That was stupid, I ended up with a nose & mouth full of snow for my efforts. I did lift me head & tossed aside the rifle & after a few minutes, both Joe & me calmed down enough to at least look at each other. I don't know what he saw, but I saw one startled fellow, but one who didn't appear to be wanting anything I had. I told him who I was & what I was doing there, even told him where my van was - he would have seen it if he walked 20 feet past me anyway & we cautiously introduced each other. I met Jean, Sarah & Ashley then. They were looking pretty wiped out from walking & controlling dog teams all morning. I invited them to lunch at my place, the van & we cautiously got to know each other a little.

You all know the rest. We showed up here after meeting the others. That's their story so I'll skip that & you invited me to join you. Now from going to a temporary bachelor to having a huge family has been a wonderful experience, it really has. Sarah mentioned she's still getting used to this happy mob. Let me tell you, I could handle a whole lot more of you, especially the kids. You can't imagine how, for someone like me, who's had no children of his own & no nieces or nephews, how much of a gift this is. Now if some of you parents think I'm trying to take your place, not at all. I want the kids to think of me as Uncle Morgan or even Grampa Morgan - whatever they prefer. Either one works for me. I can hardly wait to take you guys fishing & wait until you see the kites I plan on making for yas! If anyone wants to learn to carve wood, I can teach you. I can teach you to play a harmonica - it's not that hard. And when your parents decide to let you play in the woods I tell you, if we're playing hide & seek I can hide so well you'll never find me. I don't read stories as well as Alex does, but I can sure make up some dandies.

Now that's just playing kind of stuff, isn't it? Let me tell you & your parents what kinds of things I can do to be useful. You all know by now I'm a plumber & that means I can put pipes together to carry water & steam & other stuff - whatever's needed. That is, if I have the right pipes & tools. I'm trying to build a shower right now & that will be a lot faster than a bath. Sure, we'll have to get water upstairs first, but I'm going to work on that problem too. I'm not a bad carpenter either & I do a great job fixing bikes. Later this spring, I'm going to find all you kids some bikes & get them working properly. You can't ride the ponies all the time - they need rest too. Maybe we'll find time to build a tree house in one of those maples out back. Moms, dads, not to worry, it doesn't have to be too high. I'm going to build Sarah some special wagons for the dogs to pull. She'll teach you how to drive the dogs & if you learn well, why Grampa Tom & I will personally sign drivers' licenses for you all. Bet you never thought you'd have drivers' license at your age, did you?

I'm a good gardener & if you have any questions about your gardens, I'll be glad to help you. We can see who can grow the biggest carrots or beans or peas... gardening is a lot of work, but it's fun. Oh we're all going to do a great job together, kids, grown ups, the animals, all of us. But... somebody is going to have to teach me how to milk a cow 'cause I can't do that yet. There's lots I can't do yet, but we're all going to teach each other the things we're good at. I want to learn how to make that cool shadow hawk Mark does. Do you think we could scare the chickens with that David? We'll see.

Drew, your hospitality is gratefully received. You've given me a new purpose. I'll miss Judy until I die, but we've all lost people, haven't we? I have to remind myself of that; that I'm not the only sad one these days. Noreen, I love your laugh; it sure gets me going. Louise & Cindy - it's been some time since I held a newborn baby & I sure hope you let me hold yours really soon after you’re delivered of them. And when you need a break, I change a mean diaper! Tom, Alex, I'm not a well read man & I'm hoping you can suggest good books to me & help me understand them. I'm ashamed of my lack of education & would sure love to improve it. Sarah, but next Christmas, I hope you'll tell me I'm good enough to drive a team, even if it's only 2 dogs. Jean, I'm mushy when it comes to looking after sick critters, never could stand seeing an animal suffer, but I'm always there to help. Mark, I want to learn how to get along on a horse too, when time permits. Maxine, when you feel ready, Sam you too - I'd love to hear all about Greg. He was a good little boy & I hardly knew him. Anne if you're going into the medical business, maybe you can fix up my balding head here; can't seem to do anything about it myself. MT, I could use some solid preaching right now. Maybe you're not a qualified preacher, but you sure know more about the Bible than I ever picked up. Maybe there's something in there to help me understand all of this.

Now maybe I'd better fill you in on my bad habits. You all know I smoke, although I only do so outside & I expect cigarettes will soon be too stale to be enjoyable. I tend to eat too much especially anything chocolate. I hate doing dishes & I'll probably grumble if I have to too often; don't mind it. I'm lazy, hate to do more than I have to if there's an easier or better way. Maybe that's a good thing; I might come up with some handy tricks to make things easier. I can be pretty moody & I apologize in advance. When I get like that, all I really need is to be left alone for a time, usually just an hour or so. Oh I can & will still work & all, but I can't stand company when I'm in a grump. But don't worry, when I have days like that, I'll warn you.

Anyhow, that's me, Morgan Lambert. I'm sure glad to be here with you & I know we can make this work...

[CanadaSue]

Will this wretched storm ever end? Goodness, it's been blowing & snowing now for almost 2 days & we're getting bad cases of cabin fever, As the hours pass, I'm noticing that everyone is finding reasons to be alone for a time - taking a nap, reading, thinking, planning & other euphemisms for: "Leave me alone please!" I'll be next. The daily chores take very little time when everyone is housebound. After all, there's only tidying up, meals to prepare & clean up after & personal hygiene. We've not done enough hard work to require baths. The only work we've done, really, is pack snow down into what barrels we have empty - free water is free water & make sure we have enough wood & kindling in the house to not have to go outdoors.

Sam did go out earlier to see to the stock. Their water was almost gone & he simply gathered up snow in one of the large pots the women brought from town & melted it over a Coleman stove. He made sure he was close to the barn door, in case he had a problem with fire, but when he was done, he reported no problems. The cows are keeping warm enough in the barn, even with the barn door propped open enough to let them move in & out & add ventilation. The horses are also doing fine; eating up a storm. A few days rest will only help put much needed weight on then. We have lost some chickens & right now, the frozen corpses of 7 pullets are on the back porch. We'll do those down tomorrow. Plucking should be fun when we're trying to defeather 'hensicles'. Sam couldn't do much in their shed. He did try & add some planks of wood to the bottom sides of the chicken wire, to try & keep some of the wind out. They have plenty of feed & warmed water & all we can do is hope the weather abates. If it looks like it won't, we'll simply have to move the darned things inside the house somewhere; perhaps one of the store rooms can be turned into a temporary coop. Sarah had suggested the sick room because it opens directly to the outdoors. On reflection though, a clean sickroom separate from the rest of the house should be kept as such. Hopefully, we needn't be concerned.

Maxine & Cindy, watching the kids grow more & more restless finally went up to the boys' room & moved all the beds & cots up against the wall. They even removed some of the smaller ones from the room altogether in order to give them room to bounce around. They piled as many mats & carpets as they could on the floor & told the children if they must run & jump, so it there until bedtime. They simply bunked down on the floor tonight as we're not sure the storm will have ended by morning.

It seems we've had about 3 feet of snow & I sure hope it's easing off. Right now, we're getting snow squalls lasting roughly an hour, a bit of a break, then more snow. Morgan says it reminds him of a large hurricane with outer bands of rain. Maybe we're at the outer edge of the bands & it will end soon. I won't miss the wind. We're toasty warm, but the sound alone is enough to give one the chills. We'll have much shovelling & clearing away to do immediately it ends as if it's followed by a thaw, it will pack down too heavily to move easily.

Drew says without a fast thaw, we're at least a month from being able to plant. I'll admit that makes me nervous. I'd hoped for a long, gentle growing season. Perhaps we'll have an extended, golden end of summer, making harvest easier for us. God's will be done. It is frustrating though. We feel ready & had set our minds to being able to start in a few weeks. We were eager, fairly fit & excited. Oh we loved to complain that there weren't enough hours in a day to properly prepare, to read, to practice. But in our hearts we really did want to get going.

Drew reassured us that was common feeling. Late in the winter or early spring, most farmers feel the same way. They've spent the winter assessing last season's results. They've completed their plans for the coming growing season; what crops to plant where & have repaired equipment they use or have replaced it. They've had the winter to catch up on sleep, to make needed repairs at home & to outbuildings but many have had nothing but regular farm chores when it comes to outdoor work. They're chafing to GET GOING.

I suspect we're experiencing the same thing, but with an added twist. We've all experienced stunning shocks, great grief & a shared, yet very individualized experience. We felt rudderless & many no doubt, still do. Our usual sources of leadership & of inspiration have been lost. I feel so badly for those with little or no faith. I don't understand how they're managing to get through this terribly difficult time. They must be of far stronger charactor than I for without my Lord & God to guide me through His Great Book, I'd be lost. True, sometimes answers evade me but either they are not meant to be revealed to me or I'm lacking something which would enable me to understand. When that occurs, all I can do is pray more fervently & humbly for guidance & strength.

But even with my Bible with me & the faith most of the group has here, we were heartened as our planning came together; as we formulated ways in which we could look to our own needs & perhaps assist others less fortunate. God helps those who help themselves. So bearing that in mind, we've all worked hard to prepare to help ourselves. We've still faced challenges, great grief & unless Tom has mentioned these things; perhaps not, we have lots of rough edges which can be slow to file down. We, in other words, grate on each other a lot but as we learn about each other & how we react to things, that should slow down. Getting outdoors will help as well. I swear people become more irritating when they're confined in close quarters for long periods of time.

Isabelle is doing very well. Her bruising is beginning to fade & she's less sore than a few days ago. She still has headaches but they're intermittent now. We've allowed to get up & walk around somewhat & tomorrow mid morning, Anne will let her get for as long as she can handle. She'll be glad to be able to leave her bed. Her stitches look clean Anne says, with no signs of infection. That is very good news indeed. She's been pretty subdued still, from being injured & I think - I hope, from realizing she must be more careful & less willful.

Between Greg's terrible accident & death & Izzy's close call, the other children have had some very valuable lessons in how eaily one can be hurt. It takes little thought & even less time. Carol seems almost afraid to try anything on her own now & we're telling the children that while accidents can & do happen, a little forethought means most activities can be quite safe. Tom asked each of them to think hard - what are the 2 or 3 things on the farm, the whole property they feel are the most dangerous to them & why. We'll discuss those early in our evening gatherings. Goodness, they may come up with hazrads we hadn't thought about at all. Tom wants to have each child read their list, suggest things which could be done to make certain locations or activites safer & over time, assign each child a few days of being a "safety moniter". If they have to watch for hazards, they may become more aware of them.

They've spent a fair bit of time doing school work, even our teenagers. The littles have been practicing penmanship. Even David has a fair hand printing, albeit scrawling very large letters. He's as far as the letter 'o' now & hopes to know how to print each letter, both large & small cases, by the end of the month. I expect by then, he'll be well into simple words - & only 4 years old! Sammy & Timmy are not far behind & are determined to catch up. Where they have David beat is in counting up to 50 & very simple addition. He wants to catch them up there. A little subtle competition is useful!

The 7 & 8 year olds are doing times tables & adding more complex numbers. They're still subtracting fairly simple numbers - no borrowing yet! They're able to read & Tom now has them taking turns reading ahead to me. To our delight, jared has joined the readers & it's obvious he's very bright. He reads fourth grade level material with ease & Tom is putting together a small collection of slightly older books to read with him. He'll be able to handle the language, but the concepts may need explaining.

They're all doing simple map work, using copies of Drew's land holdings that Sarah & Annette carefully drew for them. Tom has a lot of tracing paper & they're doing their work using those as overlays. He's starting with the basics - compass orientations & explaining common map symbols. He's told me, Tom that is, that later in the summer he'll take them on a few field trips to outlying areas of the farm & encourage them to draw their own maps. Ive been tasked with taking them to the woods, the small stream & later the cattle pond to show them minnows, tadpoles & do "nature studies" with them. As long as I get a ride there in a wagon, am equipped with a sun umbrella & plenty of water, that sounds like a perfect way to spend a day. What Tom has forgotten is I'm a whizz at bird calls. I can teach the children to identify birds by their songs & with luck, call birds in near to us.

It all sounds rather buccolic, doesn't it? I'm not forgetting that such nature studies will have to be stolen from work time, that they may have to occur on days where it's a little too cool or rainy for field work. Well, I'm old but not terribly breakable. Keep me warm & dry & I do just fine.

Morgan & Tom have finished our shower project & are preparing to test it. They're heating water close to the boiling point & carefully filling the barrels upstairs. By the time the 2 interconnected barrels are full, the water will have cooled to tolerable. If it works properly, they'll then caulk everything in solidly & clean up. If it works well, that will be a grand excuse for a celebration! Morgan has promised that he'll next tackle a kid powered washing machine, using bicycle gears & chain to turn an agitator. He's remembered seeing such a contraption in a book of "odd inventions" he looked through once. He thinks he can create such a machine & wouldn't we be happy. We have 2 old wringers, so that's not too difficult but the pounding & scrubbing takes it's toll on the strongest back & arms.

He's whispered to me that he might be able to find a way to pipe water into the kitchen, making some sort of tank arrangement on the porch roof using more water barrels. First though, he'll want to reinforce the roof. There will still be water to carry to his cistern, but the women can more easily work in the kitchen, especially our expectant mothers. I whispered back to him that I thought it was a grand idea, but he should do something for himself too - perhaps learn to ride? He'll want to get awy on his own once in a while & a quiet trail ride for an hour or so on a quiet Sunday might give him some peace of mind & relation.

Sam & Max are 2 others who need to relax. I know what they're doing - they're trying to work hard, to work past the profound grief they feel. I can tell them from experience that as a solution, that only works temporarily. They need quiet time to really GRIEVE. To weep & wail if need be in an attempt to come to some kind of terms with Greg's passing. But Tom & Anne know them better than I do; perhaps they'll have some good suggestionS for them.

Now, I must take some few minutes to try & catch the radio news...

[CanadaSue]

The Perfect Storm? Would you believe the Endless Storm? Tom here again, relieving MT of 'Journal Duty' for what's left of the day. She's worn out from listening to restless kids race around. She's spent a lot of time helping the younger ones with school work I'd assigned them. They've been well behaved & have worked well & hard, but it's still tiring for her. She's not used to so much constant chatter & the noise typical when this many people are in the house. I suggested she take a quiet rest a few hours ago, shortly after lunch & she's doing that now.

All the adults & teens have managed to keep themselves busy; finishing small projects, reading up on skills they wish to aquire or perfect. Alex & Morgan are reading Walden together & discussing it. Morgan is really enjoying it & says he doesn't think he would have appreciated what Thoreau had to say if he was any younger. I'm glad he's enjoying the book & the discussions with Alex. I join in when I can. Alex is very much enjoying an analysis of the book's passages from an older person; one who's had some experience at life.

I told Morgan to take a break too. He's been working flat out, trying to make our lives easier & now that we know the shower works & have finished that job, he should take this opportunity to take at least a few hours for himself. We all have to make a point of doing that when we can. It's not selfishness, but a time to privately recharge batteries. It can be & often is difficult to be around so many people all the time, even if over half of them are your nearest & dearest & the others generally pleasant & hard workers. It's true that in our fomer lives, we all ran into a large number of different people on a daily basis. However most of these contacts were casual at best & short in duration. I spent a maximum of 90 minutes with any one of my classes & engaged the class as a whole, not as individuals. Any of the adults & most of the children here would report the same thing.

But now, we're a group of 2 dozen, living in what is a fairly rambling house, but it's difficult to find yourself alone for more than a few minutes at a time. Storm bound as we are, it's even more difficult. Then there's the matter of everyone seemingly knowing your business. For example - Annette was bathing yesterday in the big bathroom. Somehow, when she cleared away her things, she dropped a bra. David just happened to be next in the bathroom & came out trailing it - all excited, saying: "See, I can TOO read numbers & stuff. Look at this"... (holding up the tag); "It says 34 & a big B". Well we all split a gut laughing, NOT at Annette but simply at the circumstances. She didn't find it at all funny. The background to that is that Carol & Ashley were teasing David about being too young to read. But Annette dissolved into tears & ran from the kitchen while the rest of us tried to get a grip on ourselves.

I've been a "target" too. I ate something that didn't agree with me the other day & was in the outhouse for a fair bit of time. When I came back into the house, Ashley looked at me & solemnly asked me if I knew I'd been in there a whole three quarters of an hour; did I always do that? Should we dig another "poo pit"? Okay, minor & yes, even laughable, but multiply that by a factor of twenty or thirty & this is our day to day life. We need some ROOM. Hopefully getting back outdoors will let us all gain a more humorus perspective on such incidents. After days cooped up together though, even I find myself taking such innocent comments in a ridiculously personal way.

We've not been able to get news from the radio station for several days - the storm is probably to blame, but we did get a good report just before the storm hit. I should here tell you what sorts of items the news team gives us when they do their four times daily news broadcasts. They've been following a consistent format, which we all find helpful here. First they introduce themselves & repeat the times for their broadcasts. They encourage any in the listening range who have news or information for the community at large to drop in for a chat. Next they give the latest count of those 'registered' as residents in town. The mayor tries to give them twice daily updates on numbers. They also like to announce any births & so far, we have 7 new babies.

The local doctor who's trying to get an office set up right by city hall is handing over short daily briefings on health matters. He's started with basics; reminders of what variola symptoms look like & numerous reminders that the virus has not run its course yet. But I'll speak of that later. He's also repeatedly given instructions on how to purify water & sckowledging that some must use snow for now, advising on what areas might give the cleanest snow. He's warned of the dangers of hypothermia. He's also cautioned people about the use of heaters & fuel stoves indoors; how they must ventilate & other precautions to take.

The mayor intends to give daily briefings on how the body clearing teams are doing. The storm has stopped them from doing their job for now, so it's reported they are helping out in other ways. Some are assisting the mayor make clean copies of resident lists & annotated maps of what residences are occupied & whah others can be occupied. They're clearing away rooms in the building, making them clean & converting some into new, post Outbreak purposes. Those handy mechanically are trying to rig various systems for cleaning up, doing dishes & larger scale cooking, etc. They're also taking time to draw up detailed plans for their later efforts; dividing into teams which will clear certain zones. Apparently, they've obtained enough walkie talkies & batteries to equip each team with 2 communications devices. Teams will consist of 6 people each: someone to drive the wagons, 1 person for security & 4 to check houses & remove bodies. They'll alternate positions as circumstances warrant.

Other volunteers have come forward, not to help clear bodies but offering to do ancillary chores - cook for the teams, handle laundry, care for the horses & keep city hall tidy. That's excellent. I'm sure many would like to help but simply cannot bear to handle or even see the bodies. This is perfectly understandable to me & if there are some who can handle this aspect of post plague, even better. Now, they just need some co-operation from the weather.

There hasn't been a lot of significant news lately. People are moving around in small numbers, usually individuals or small family groups moving to better quarters. Some individuals are scouting out farms, looking for those suited to their purposes. It seems those who have survived thus far, are less inclined to take risks. I'm glad of it, as we'll need as many people as possible to survive & work hard in order to rebuild our community.

Statewide, we had a rather exciting development. The morning of the day the storm hit, 4 travellers made it here from Chicago! The group consists of three young men & the teenaged sister of one of them. They're in their very early 20s. They made the trip in snowmobiles, taking 4 days to travel the 150 or so miles, not wanting to stress their machines too badly & wishing to be as cautious as possible, too. They're stopping here for at least a week & may choose to stay here. They were open about their lack of further plans. As one put it; events have been so extraordinary, so unpredictable, they'd prefer to rest & reflect before making further decisions.

They had a pretty horrifying, stark diary of events in Chicago to relate to the radio audience. The newsies interviewed them & summarized most of what they had to say; with their permission. I can't help but wonder what horrors were left out. We all know Chicago had some of the earliest cases. City & state officials did their best to keep people calm & acting rationally. They had vaccination clinics up & running within 48 hours, a phenomenally short time frame for such a large city. However because the city is so large there was a problem establishing sufficient numbers of clinics in enough locations. In some of the poorer, gang run areas of the city, attendence at clinics was initially low in spite of overwhelming clamoring for these clinics. It turned out some armed, local gangs were trying to charge a "vax tax" to anyone trying to get through their lines to get to clinics. It took the Guard to sort that out & they did so quickly & efficiently. After a few deaths, these scumbags melted back into the sewers from whence they came...

Sddicts, drunks, hookers... other lowlifes were the first segments of the population to suffer in increasing numbers from the disease. It only took a few more days for the general population to begin to fall ill in large numbers. Supply convoys were highjacked & stolen. In some areas, huge barricades were thrown up by paranoid locals. They didn't even want to let supply convoys through. Unfortunately, arrests had no effect & some ended up dead. Hospitals were overwhelmed within a matter of days & almost the entire city ended up looking like a war zone.

I don't understand why people feel wanton desruction has to be part of a disaster. It's bad enough to hear of looters after tornadoes, hurricanes & earthquakes but especially in this case, people were destroying the very things which would have been the most helpful. Medical clinics, grocery & department stores. Insanity is catching it seems, for as soon as many saw others looting & destroying, they joined in. One of the voyagers said that in an interview close to a riot scene, local tv reporters asked some looters & rioters why they were acting that way. They got blank looks, shrugs & "I dunno; why not?" Idiots.

The suburbs fared somehat better. Those at some distance from the more urban areas had an easier time getting to clinics & getting food & other supplies. Some smaller neighborhoods set up patrols, blocking off their streets & not letting anyone in unless they lived there. The death rate from variola was bad enough, but deaths from sheer stupidity & unbridled aggression were high in number as well.

The 4 travellers are all neighbors & like many here, have lost all their families. They spent their time up to now hiding out in 1 house - not hiding really as they had a fireplace, but they certainly kept a low profile. It became clear to them early that Chicago was rapidly becoming untenable & they resolved to leave before any signs of a mass migration. One lad had the 2 snow mobiles in his garage; his family have enjoyed that mode of witer transport for years & all they had to do was try & get enough supplies to get as far out of Dodge as possible. They did have some gas & that got them about 30 miles out of town. They were lucky enough to find more fuel & they added more food & supplies as they went.

Encouraging news... communities between here & Chicago do have people alive. They avoided most villages, simply waving as they passed & in some towns, it was made quite clear they were to keep right on moving - something they planned on anyway! They had no intention of getting shot, catching on passing on the virus or otherwise getting involved when they simply wanted to get as far away as possible. They had a small radio with them & it was hearing one of the newscasts which made them decide to stop in here for at least a few days. They took the news team's invitation to drop in share news & info at face value & seeing as they were on snowmobiles, they were heard well before they arrived.

They were looked over, then made welcome given a hot meal & the opportunity to clean up using hot water. When they'd rested they were invited to speak to the news crew, to tell what they had to tell. They were more interested in giving news of the city than they were personal stories. Understandable as these are painful at best.

Their assessment that Chicago isn't worth staying in right now is interesting. These folks are of an age where energy, enthusiasm & optimism is highest. Yet, they weren't willing to stay there & try to rebuild. While these kids are used to winter sports & being in the outdoors, country like will effectively be brand new for them. Yet they preferred to take that risk. Heck, they may even decide to stay here.

They took some time to describe Chicago as it was when they left last week. The last news or rumor they heard was that roughly 1 million people were left alive in the Chicago area & most were scattered far & wide in small groups. There is no power of course, little if any food left & water is either taken from the lake & nearby bodies of water or snow is melted. Houses are being broken into, restaurants - any potential source of food is being investigated by starving people & little is left. They expect a mass exodus of desperate people very soon.

Some roads & bridges are blocked, either by accidents or deliberate action. The El train tracks are wrecked in several locations. Water treatment & sewage plants are a mess. The stockyards were raided early & no animals are left there. Many surivors have apparently gone insane. Churches have been ransacked & professionals, ministers & government officials killed. People can be seen hanging from trees, light standards - anything that will hold a noose.

Their mayor died early as did many of the first responders. Order simply could not be maintained & right now, they describe it as frontier like in atmosphere currently, like a bad western. few venture out on to the streets without visible arms & hardly ever alone. Vermin are running rampant throughout the city. Rats & mice in large numbers, feral dogs & cats. People have started trying to kill them as food & squirrels & other small wildlife have all but vanished.

There was more, but I've given the most important points. All pretty awful, in my opinion & we all had drawn, sad faces after hearing the news. If this is what Chicago is like, it stands to reason many of the other large cities have suffered as badly. I can't begin to imagine what honest people intent only on survival are going through. Even the news caster had trouble speaking this part of his report & who can blame him? Are we now at a point where the vital centers of our nation are once again small communities? Perhaps so. I have some idea of the work required to rebuild here & we have no fancy structures, no skyscrapers, no complex infrastructure to maintain. What we do have though will for a time be almost beyond our capacity to repair & maintain, at least until we can once again be sure of being able to feed ourselves & identify willing locals to do the various jobs which will have to be done.

How the heck are we going to "run" a town with no tax base per se? Many including ourselves, have volunettered to supply the volunteers at City Hall with food & other necessities, but at some point, it strikes me that some more formal arrangement will have to be made. Oh man, headache time again! I can't spend too much time worrying about bigger pictures right now. Our little family 100 piece picture puzzle seems complicated enough. I'll have to join MT in praying for guidance & simply do my best to care for my family.

And now, with a break in the wind & snow, I really muct get outside, if only for three minutes of fresh air. Good chance to asses how much cleanup work we have after the storm too. Perhaps I'll have time for another entry tonight.

[CanadaSue]

Finally, the storm has ended & while the sun has yet to appear, we can at least see past the end of our noses. And... What a sight! The storm didn't really break until just before dawn. I couldn't sleep anyhow & was sitting in the kitchen having stirred up the fire & putting on some tea. In the 45 minutes or so I sat there, letting the hot tea seep into me & warm my joints, the wind died down to a mere breeze & I noticed the snow finally seemed to have stopped. It was deathly still upstairs & I imagine the silence, after several nights of frightful howling, simply caused all to burrow more deeply into their blankets. Well, let them sleep I thought; they deserved the rest especially as they were likely in for a big day.

There was enough wood & water in the house to see us through the morning & for the first time in weeks, I felt able to move without a lot of stiffness & pain. There was no one standing about telling me to be careful, to slow down, to rest.. so I did what I've been itching to do for weeks - start the bread! My that felt wonderful. There's nothing like mixing up a good batch of bread, then kneading the warm dough. My mother always said warm yeast dough felt as soft & warm as newborn puppies & she was right. I found the old bread, sliced it up & mixed up a bowl of French toast batter, then got the coffee going. Between kitchen chores, I managed to get a peek out some of the windows. Some are completely snow covered again, while others show a huge amount of white stuff all over the yard.

By about seven thirty, I could hear noise from upstairs & shortly after the children came racing downstairs, all excited about what they'd seen out their bedroom windows. Snow. Snow & more snow. I reminded them that meant work. Work & more work, but they're young enough to still be enthusiastic about a day of digging. And that was just the beginning of what continues to be a major job. As soon as everyone was fed, I shooed the adults outdoors to evaluate what the storm had done while the young ones & I did dishes & tidied the kitchen. I kept them busy with the usual house chores until the adults straggled back in. The major task was going to be shovelling paths to the outbuildings, but Jake had already been to the horse barn, chicken shed & cattle barn using a pair of snowshoes. He was rather grim faced.

We are down to 25 hens & only one rooster - not disastrous by any accounts, but until we can get some eggs laid & hatched, we're going to have to be extremely careful with our remaining poultry. The horses are fine but unfortunately, we've also lost 7 cows & 4 calves - frozen to death. Jake says several of the cows are barely sticking out of drifts. He thinks they may have become confused in the wind & snow & simply not been able to find their way back. That mess will have to be dealt with, but it wasn't highest on the list of priorities. The grownups & teens took fifteen or so minutes to plan their day & warm up with tea or coffee, then returned outdoors. It took 6 of them over an hour to clear a path to the cattle barn. They almost planned stupidly & dug a completely separate path to the horse barn, but Jean pointed out that if they waited until half the distance from the house to the cattle barn was cleared out, they could branch off directly to the horses & save a lot of work. Drew burst out laughing at that point, groaning that he'd never thought of that himself. "Habits", he said sheepishly. "You do something a certain way for so many years, you forget there might be an easier way!"

So they did it that way & that freed up some of the older ones to get to the chickens - less work there as the wind kept much of the snow scoured away. Others dug to the outhouse. Actually 1 started at the house & dug to it, while Alex snowshoed to the outhouse & dug back from there. We kept calling out that their lives depended on the paths meeting perfectly. They didn't of course, but it was fun to josh with them. Clearing the barn door took some heavy work but that was finally done & there was enough free space in the pasture to let the cattle out for a time. This afternoon, they're trying to clear the barn of as much bedding as possible. It's filthy & frozen & a mountain of hard work. By this point they were piling it on toboggans & the kids were dragging it as close to the kitchen garden fence as they could while Cindy & Louise tipped the filthy stuff out. I don't think the toy company ever had that use in mind for toboggans! A lot of bedding spilled, but this is a farm & we're not prepared to be that fussy.

Currently the outdoor work continues. Cindy, Louise & Tom are inside seeing to supper & heating water for showers & baths. The children are packing water barrels with fresh snow again & bringing in more wood for the stoves. If they manage to finish clearing out the barns & coop today, they'll be well satisfied. What a mountain of work. It will no doubt be an early supper, after bathing & an early bedtime for all. When I look out the window, everyone is walking more slowly, stooped & weary looking. I've already got a number of mittens, gloves, hats & scarves steaming dry on lines in front of the wood stove in the back sitting room.

It will take all of tomorrow to finish the outdoor work, clearing snow away to the point where it won't be in the way or dangerous when it begins to melt. I'd hate for anyone to have a bad fall as a result of slipping on a badly located patch of ice. I'm almost feeling guilty about not being outside helping them all. I'm, limited to keeping hot drinks on the go & heating up some lovely chicken stew & adding dumplings to them. I've made a bread pudding for dessert this evening, but haven't told them that. I also mixed up pie dough in secret & am just waiting for fruit preserves to thaw before I put together the fillings. Once they smell them coming out of the oven, they won't think to scold me for "working too hard".

In any case, Isabelle has been keeping me company most of the day. It's a bit too risky to let her outdoors yet. If she were to slip & hit her head again; goodness those stitches might have to be redone. We've had quite an enjoyable time today, Izzy & me. She helped me cut the piecrusts & just loves fluting the edges & trimming them - especially when she gets to pop the trimmings into her mouth! She measured out some of the ingredients for me, quite accurately too & asked about different pies; how the fillings are made & why is it that my fruit fillings don't run when her mother's always did. I whispered my secret to her - add an egg to the filling & it will set keeping the killing firm, but never be tasted. She got a good giggle from that. I had read the recipes to me too; not that I don't know them in my sleep, but the reading practice doesn't hurt & she was able to see that measuring involves math, recipes involve reading.

Tomorrow, I've promised to show her how to make peanut butter, chocolate chip cookies as well as oatmeal raisin & she'll help me put a roast of beef in. We might as well eat all the beef we can with 7 dead cows lying in the home pasture. We'll certainly gut & dress them & I have an idea about what we can do with some of the meat. I thought we might cut up some steaks & roast & Sarah along with one of the other adults can bring it into town to City Hall. I bet they'd love a good roast of beef after a miserable day's work. Maxine is going to try salting, corning, pickling - any old method of preserving she can think of in hopes of salvaging most of it.

In spite of a day of unusual activity for me; they don't often let me do too much physical work, I'm having a fine time. It's wonderful to feel useful & I have come to enjoy Isabelle's company. She's a bright child & perhaps her overabundance of spirits & independent thinking is simply a very inquiring mind. She stumbled over some of the new words & symbols in the cookbook the first time she saw them, but remembered them every time after that. After she measured dry ingredients for me, she messed around with some cornmeal & discovered on her own that 3 1/3 measuring cups poured into a 1 cup measure fills it just to the top & no more. You could almost see the understanding dawn. I explained that it worked that way for halves, quarters; any fraction. When the top number matched the bottom number, you ended up with a whole. There, Tom will be pleased. We have one working with fractions. I brought out a small bag of dried beans, counted out 20 & she spent time dividing them into halves, quarters & fifths. She caught on quickly enough. I even had her begin adding some fractions, by combining piles of beans together. I think she's close to understanding.

She did a break for a nap as she tired easily still. She told me she wants to explain ALL about 'fakshuns' to the other girls. She has some problems with the 'fr' sound, it seems. Can't say 'friend' properly either now that I come to think of it. I must point that out to Tom & Sam. I must also remember to ask everyone for his or her birthdate. Why shouldn't we do a little something special for peoples' birthdays? Our tradition is that the person having the birthday chooses the meal. We're going to have to think of something to replace ordinary presents - perhaps extra play time for the kids, excused chores for a day for the adults if possible; I'll put my mind to it.

Once all had lunch & Izzy went to lie down, I was able to sit myself, looking out to the road & simply letting my mind drift for a bit. I like to do that when I can. You'd be surprised where your mind can take you sometimes. At first, I just enjoyed the silence. All I could hear really was the muffled sounds of shovels slicing into snow & soft thumps of snow falling as it was flung aside. What a relief not to hear the wind. I marvelled to think that just a few days ago, crocuses were glowing out back. They're still there & most had yet to bloom. Likewise, the other bulbs will be fine. Odd, how I'd love to see some newborn lambs. They can be terribly annoying always choosing to be born at the worst possible times & creating as much havoc as possible, but they are so sweet. And when they're grown, there's nothing like a fine roast of mutton as a change. I wonder if someone out there on the farms has sheep. They might be willing to exchange a few for a cow & calf. I'll have to ask Drew what he thinks of that idea. A sow with piglets or more realistically, a couple of piglets to grow on ourselves would be nice. We could get 1 of each sex, breed the sow & later that year slaughter the male. Later, trade off some piglets, arrange to have a sow or 2 bred again & we're in business. And wouldn't some home grown turkey taste mighty fine at Thanksgiving & Christmas. I miss those meats & fish, fresh fish. Trout, pickerel, pike, bass... my I do crave fish these days, more so, than fresh fruit or even most fresh vegetables.

My thoughts eventually turned to those who have passed on, nearby & all through the world. I wonder how those who are not of the Christian faith fared? Did God, as I understand them welcome them into his loving arms anyway, even though their faith was different? Perhaps it is that a person of any faith, who does his or her best to live by the tenets of that faith, is as good & just as possible has nothing to fear from God. I don't know & I don't expect to know until it's my turn to pass on. Pass on... I should day what I mean & use the word "die". I don't like that word. It's short, 'hard', curt & abrupt even. It sounds, I'm not sure how to explain this, but to me it sounds so; well, more than final. It sounds hopeless & helpless. The term 'pass on' brings me comfort. It implies that one moves on to something better. I'd like to think it's more comforting to those remaining to think of a loved one going to a better place. I feel so sad for the babies though or rather, those they left behind.

As you get older, you become more honest with yourself about matters such as death – not your own necessarily but what the death of others means to you. With the very young of course, you grieve what they might have become, yet never had a chance to. With older people who die, you grieve for what they meant to YOU, what you will miss, be it their company, advice; anything at all. But where do you begin the grieving process when so many are lost? I simply cannot fathom the extent of losses & when I consider it’s far from over, it leaves me breathless. Goodness, I’m at the end of a long & generally happy life. I’ve had my share of disappointments but overall, it’s been a good life. The prospect right now doesn’t seem so bright for our young people, from Alex on down.

It’s so difficult to tell what will happen when we cannot currently know with any real certainty what’s happening in the world. I have to keep reminding myself that this is a worldwide outbreak. I expect some of the disease ridden, destitute countries have been virtually wiped out. How many others have been badly affected by that terrible cloud of radioactivity resulting from the nuclear bomb that was dropped over Iraq? I know little about such things, but Tom, Anne & their children looked so terribly upset. It must indeed be terrible & for those poor folk who may have survived variola to subsequently have to face radiation poisoning, soil or water contamination… it hardly bears thinking about. Extremely crowded countries such as China & India can’t help but be exceptionally hard hit & what can be going on in other unstable countries, nations where the political regime rules through tyranny & terror? It may be a very long time before we know what is occurring in these places.

For now, at a practical level, I don’t expect it matters very much. Our concerns will have to remain very local, focused right here on Drew’s farm. We have crops to plant, animals to keep healthy & children to raise as best we can. In a sense I think the children will be better off for a time then they would have been before The Outbreak. The last few generations of children have been spoiled compared to what we were used to & it only seems to get worse as time passes. This year at least, the children will live very much as children did in the eighteen hundreds. They will spend most of their time close to home, doing plenty of hard work & learning by watching & doing how the basics used to be provided. They’ll have the company of several different adults from which to learn skills learn to judge for themselves the validity of different opinions & methods of tackling jobs. They’ll be outdoors a lot, eating good wholesome food & won’t be exposed to a lot of nonsense. That aspect of our new life doesn’t strike me as too terrible.

It will be a huge adjustment to them in the sense that they have no sense of the background of this sort of life. It is completely unlike anything they’re accustomed to. There are hazards & consequences that can’t easily be fixed & more responsibility then they’re used to. They’re quite upset about the cows & calves that perished in the storm. That unfortunately, is simply a fact of pioneer & to some degree, farming life. Their schooling will not suffer & I hazard to opine they may actually be better off being home-schooled. Look at who wins the Geography & Spelling Bees these last several years – home-schooled kids.

Now for the adults, it’s more difficult. Not only must they tackle planning & work they’re unaccustomed to, they have the added burden of worrying about the younger ones & external issues the children don’t realise exist. We now have 2 women expecting babies & they are concerned about what might happen if there are problems. Odds are, both will deliver with no real problems, but when you’re the one feeling that baby moving inside you, it’s hard to remain objective. We now know we may see plenty of people in transit as they too search out a better life. Will they be content to simply pass us by? I fear that the late stragglers beginning to realise they’re too late to settle somewhere & plant their own crops may try & steal ours. I don’t doubt many persons will be loath to leave the areas they’re most familiar with. They’ll be hoping against hope that “someone” will come along & provide a timely rescue before next fall. That simply isn’t going to happen & they’ll probably panic when they come to that conclusion. By then I can’t imagine anything very useful left in the cities. These folks will flee with not much more than the clothing on their backs & will become like a horde of locusts, descending on any source of food, water & hope. I dread these people arriving here but I have no doubt this will occur. I can only pray we be spared.

Noreen & Cindy walked slowly through the house during the storm looking at the space we still have available. We came together in a very unplanned fashion & certainly our newcomers were completely unexpected. Thank goodness for a large, much added on to house! Noreen says that Drew’s dad inherited a reasonably sized house & over the years added various additions to accommodate extended family & farm workers. This has resulted in a rambling structure, which I rather enjoy. There are some rooms where you have to descend a step or 2 to enter, others where there’s a step or 2 going up. Halls make sudden turns or vanish altogether. It took me a few weeks to feel able to find my way from one room to the next. The kids until recently were playing that game. “Who can get from this room, (Morgan’s), to the bathroom by Grampa’s bedroom first?”. As well as living quarters there are pantries, storerooms & walk-in closets galore. I asked Noreen how many rooms there were altogether, including all pantries & storerooms. She thought for a time, then laughed. She genuinely doesn’t know!

That’s what precipitated Cindy & Noreen’s tour through the house; room counting & seeing once again how spaces could be best used. They agree that even after the babies arrive, we could put up another half dozen or so people & if several sheds which were added on to the house were insulated properly, we could easily double that. I’m not sure any of want that many new people in our home, but it’s good to know that anyone coming along with very valuable skills whom we wished to invite to join, could be accommodated. It’s possible too that our younger people may choose to leave at some point. I’d hate to see that happen but I have to be realistic. People eventually chafe to lead their own lives & who’s to say Sarah or Jean may not meet some young man & wish to set up their own homes eventually. Even our teenagers will grow up fast & may leave their home here earlier than we’ve become accustomed to in the past few decades.

The more time I have to think through what we had not so long ago & how much we have apparently lost, the more I’m inclined to think that recovery will be an agonisingly slow, painful process. So called progress is almost always a mixed blessing. We gain new methods, implements & knowledge & in that process, lose older skills. It almost always seems at the time to be no great lost. After all, antiquated systems are laughable, useless; isn’t that correct? Now we’re finding out the hard way that such skills are anything but obsolete. Perhaps those best equipped to live in the post Plague world are those we normally call primitive. Think please, those reading this many years from now…

Can you butcher a cow, pluck a chicken? Can you look at the sky & determine tomorrow’s weather? Can you grind wheat & turn it into flour? Do you know how many acres of cattle corn to plant to feed 10 pregnant cows for the winter? Can you walk 20 miles carrying food & camping gear, spend the night out in the middle of nowhere comfortably, then return home the next day without needing 2 days of rest to recuperate? These skills & levels of strength are required in the world now. Can you estimate the temperature of an oven heated by wood, keep it even & cook roasts, bake breads or cakes? Can you estimate the time you need to do laundry for 6 people & how much water you must heat? How do you treat sunburn or stomach ache without over the counter drugs? I’m not saying we have no modern amenities left, but how long will that last? Where are the skilled people to reopen manufacturing plants? What of the power to operate those plants, the trucks & clear roads upon which to transport these goods? By the time you’re reading this, I sincerely hope all has been recovered or replaced by better methods. But right here & now, there’s only the dimmest candle shining at the end of the tunnel & sometimes I lose sight of it’s faint flicker.

Oh it’s just a bit of discouragement showing through here. I’m sick of snow, of wind & storms. I’m tired of being cooped up because of the weather & I long to stick my nose in a fresh lilac bloom or peony or lily of the valley. Noreen says she has all those wonderful old-fashioned flowers here, in various locations around the farmyard. Perhaps I’m painting a bleaker picture than I need to be, but who can really tell at this point? I’m hoping to get some news from town later, via the radio. I hope for something hopeful to buck me up. But for now, it’s time to lay this aside & go begin helping with supper.

God bless us all…

[CanadaSue]

Goodness, almost midnight & I can't believe I'm still awake. Perhaps I'm a tad too tired physically or too wound up mentally. It's been a satisfying day for me; getting some time to do some work without anyone trying to force me to rest. I expect my hands may be somewhat stiff tomorrow - it's been some time since I kneaded dough, but I really should do more. My arthritis isn't that severe & it's always been helped by a bit of exercise. Well once they get busy in the fields they won't have time to cosset me.

I didn't expect everyone to get so much work done today but they did do most of the needed shovelling by dark. Tomorrow, they have a bit of 'straightening up' to do, moving a bit of snow a bit further from the porch, but the main effort tomorrow will be dealing with dead cattle carcasses. Thank goodness it's still below freezing - I'd hate for all that meat to spoil. Drew says dealing with all that meat is going to be quite the chore considering the cows are almost frozen through. They'll first have to break them free of snow & ice, drag them off to 1 of the back sheds & get them hung. I'm not sure if they plan to try & thaw them or what. It may be easier to simply saw off steaks & roasts. A good deal will be wasted of course, but Drew will drag the carcasses off to the back of the woods. He'd offered them to Sarah for her dogs but no, apparently doing that may give them a taste for raw beef & she says it's possible they might attack calves later. Well, we didn't know that, but now we can file that piece of information away for later use!

Having a working shower is sure a boon. We were able to get the older children through in quick time & it meant the younger ones could get through their baths faster. We had them finished before supper, which turned out to be a good thing as some of them almost fell asleep into their plates! David & Ashley weren't able to stay awake for dessert, but their slices of pie are waiting for them tomorrow. Most were nodding over their dessert plates & all pitched in for kitchen cleanup tonight, save Jake & Morgan who brought in & heated water for baths & showers & Alex who volunteered to fill the woodbin. Mark & Annette were delighted to find the horses in good shape once they cleared a way to the barn. The stalls were a mess, but nothing that wasn't easily enough cleaned up. The foals are fine & assuming the weather holds tomorrow, they'll get the horses out for some air so they can really clean out those stalls.

We did find out what that tremendous bang that woke us was. Someone's large, plastic garbage bin had blown across the fields & crashed into the side wall of the house. Jake found it when he was walking the outside perimeter of the house making sure either the wind or snow had damaged nothing. He literally stumbled across it. He thought he was walking through a drift & almost fell over when his foot got caught on it. It's a great find actually; it's large & looks like it's never been used. We're tempted to clean it out well with soap & bleach & use it in the kitchen as a rolling water reservoir; unless of course someone comes up with a better use for it.

In terms of storm damage, we were quite fortunate. We do have 1 small attic window cracked - probably from ice pellets, but it will hold for now & can be replaced later. Some of the smaller branches cut & piled by the women & children were blown about, but as the snow melts, we'll find & stack it. Our main concern now is the chicken coop. We were horrified to find we're down to only a few dozen hens & 1 rooster. The men are making it a priority tomorrow to make that coop stronger & more secure, not to mention more weatherproof. We simply can't afford any more poultry losses until we allow some eggs to hatch. Morgan, Drew & Alex will work on that tomorrow after helping drag cattle carcasses out back.

As for the children, there's plenty of outdoor busywork for them, finding & gathering wood, moving smaller quantities of snow & if & when they get too cold, tidying up their rooms. We have some leftovers to use up which should take care of meals tomorrow. I expect most will still be tired, stiff & sore. I hope they don't find tomorrow too wearing. Drew feels the weather will warm again very son, possibly by tomorrow. It's not that cold, just a touch below freezing, but I'm dying to feel the warmth again.

The radio station is broadcasting again. They said they don't bother while it's storming as it's simply a waste of fuel for their generator. They pleaded for some diesel, any amount as their stocks are running low. That IS a major concern. I'm not sure if they appreciate how much of a lifeline they've become. I can't speak for everyone left in the community of course, but we are so eager to catch their broadcasts, it's not funny. It feels like a tall glass of cool water on a blistering hot day when we hear their voices coming over the air. I'm sure those who are alone or living with just a few people find any news very welcome.

First, only a few more people registering with City Hall, bringing us to 1030 people. There may be an increase in that once people shovel out. That's the good news. The next news item wasn't so wonderful. It wasn't news exactly, but close enough. One of the people coming to city hall ran into a woman staggering around on the street, covered in pox. She tried to approach him & he kept backing away, not wanting any contact. He claims she said something to the effect that over by the Wal-Mart, almost an entire neighbourhood, which had so far weathered The Outbreak, was now either quite ill or breaking with symptoms. And... they needed help. Continuing to back away, he got her to tell him exactly what blocks were involved & promised to do what he could. About all he could do was yell up through an open office window as much as he knew about the situation. Some of the body clearing teams will pack up some food & water & drop it near the houses, but are NOT to go in, no matter their vaccination status. Dear me, I'd hoped we’d be spared, but it seems not.

The majority of the people who've volunteered for body disposal are currently shovelling snow out of the way in front of City Hall. It really piled up there. The 4 travellers headed out on their snow machines & located 3 more in a small building behind a dealer selling boats. They've found some fuel for them too & hope to get the machines running. They just need to warm up a bit, get some kind of tune-up & then be fuelled. They will use the machines to pack down a snow road to the old quarry, so that the teams of horses can bring bodies to the disposal site. Furthermore, by rigging sleds to the back of these snow machines, the teams can start clearing houses right away. They'll bring the bodies out to the wagons, saving the horses the effort involved in floundering through deep snow. That will let them start & as the snow melts, they can continue using the horses & wagons only.

The storm doesn't appear to have done too much damage in town. A few older structures, shacks really, fell over & some windows were broken but nothing vital was affected. What could possibly be left that could be considered vital that would still be operating? That may sound sarcastic; I didn't mean it that way, really. It's still just so hard to understand that I simply can't call the power company to report that my electricity is out. When all are outside or asleep, the overwhelming impression I get & it weighs so heavily on me is the profound silence. No noise from the interstate not that far away, no passing vehicles, no church bells or sirens. It's not the peaceful silence you find late at night. As I said, it's profound & overwhelming. It's an absence, rather than a temporary abeyance of sound. And how I long to hear a train whistle deep in the night heading for parts unknown. Awake at night, I used to feel connected to others somehow. There are always people working nights, young parents with a fussy baby or sick child, teenagers coming home late - something. But now, I sometimes feel as though my very heartbeat is an unanswered cry in the dark. That frightens me, chills me to the core of my being. Only the 23rd Psalm can comfort me then. And I must make noise - any kind of noise to reassure myself I've not gone deaf.

I've become so conscious of sound, changes in wind strength & direction, the section of fence that needs to be nailed down, the sudden soft whoosh! of a piece of wood settling into the fire. Even an owl hooting a long ways away seems very distinct. I scared myself silly earlier as I could have sworn I heard someone or something crossing in front of the house. How my heart pounded as I crept to the window. I felt the fool though, so see 2 young deer easing their way to the pasture. I can't help but feel that summer will being more sounds & welcome ones. People passing now & then, children laughing & the calls back & forth as we do our work.

Nights will be shorter too & it takes a time like this when our numbers are so severely winnowed out to appreciate the light. I understand that in the Dark Ages, people crept about in terror of the night. They'd bar doors & windows, shut gates into walled towns & if they were unfortunate enough to be awake, huddle shivering in fear, waiting for the sun's rise. They feared demons, disease & the very Devil himself. I can almost understand that now, as it is so VERY dark. Yes, it makes for a lovely show of stars but there's no warmth to that light, just a blatant reminder of how very small we are, how very unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I'm fanciful tonight, too much catnip tea perhaps? I found myself wondering if out there somewhere, there were other peopled worlds. If there were, perhaps they too have a history of horrid events on their world? Might it be that even right now somewhere in the farthest reaches of the universe, another planet lies trembling under the burden of disaster? Even if I could know for sure there was, there's no consolation in that for it means that others, perhaps much like us are suffering.

I saw some satellites tonight, looking out towards the west. They passed over so very high yet so quickly & it was then I remembered the International Space Station. I'm horrified that I'd forgotten that 3 brave astronauts are up there. Those poor, valiant souls. Two men, one woman circling a dying world. They were to be up for well over a year as part of the Space Program's testing for long colonisation flights to other planets, other star systems. They have plenty of food & water but how very alone & helpless they must feel. They can get home; they have a Russian rocket they can use to come home. But I have no idea where they are to land - don't the Russians use an arid, vast plain somewhere in the Kazhakstan area? It seems to me they parachute to earth & I'm not sure of my recollection, but I think, they must be manually freed from their capsule. I don't know that they can get out without external help. I'm not even sure they can fly home without a great deal of expert help from the ground. Are they in contact with anyone either in Russia or at NASA that could help them? Might they have to try on their own. I must add them to my prayers.

I'll not write much longer as my thoughts are taking me to depressing places tonight. Thinking of the Space Station sent my mind to other lonely places - what of those poor souls are Antarctic research stations? There are over 30 or were the last time I read a National Geographic article written about them. It's winter here, but their summer & as such, the research bases & stations have a fair number of people. Did they escape variola & if so, what on earth are they to do? It will be getting colder there & they count on ships coming to take them away. There will be no ships now. There will be no relief for any of mankind's remaining isolated outposts of any sort. It's usually hardy souls with much pluck who take on these jobs, but how much can one person or a small group bear knowing they must extricate themselves by their own efforts? Most have no long-term experience with extreme conditions without substantial support from modern items & systems. They'll be out of food or close to it & have no contact out.

Goodness, this is absurd. I'm going to lay down this journal for tonight & get myself off to bed before I send myself into a real depression. I can't help any of these situations except through prayer & obsessing about them is of no help to anyone. Perhaps God won't mind if I ask a special blessing for myself tonight to help me get out of this awful frame of mind.

God bless us all...

[CanadaSue]

Oh man, this sucks! After warning the kids myself, over & over again, not to rush around in case they slip & fall, what did I go & down? Go flying after running over some ice I didn't see. Aunt Anne, (she's asked us to call her that), says she thinks I've sprained my ankle a bit & I have to spend the rest of today & probably tomorrow sitting here in the house with only Gram MT for company - her & whatever little kids are here. Boring! No really, Gram MT is nice & everything, but I ,want to be out & doing stuff. There's so much to be done & I feel so stupid. I almost wish everyone would stop being so nice about it. It's not like I've never hurt myself or anything before. Broke my tailbone falling off one of Mom's Saddlebred's when I was about 10. I shouldn't have been on him in the first place. I knew it, he knew it & he sent me flying. Now THAT hurt! This just makes me feel stupid. It hurts a bit, but I told Aunt Anne I'd be okay with a couple of Motrin. I can't convince her that I'm okay to walk - really. No I was ordered to sit in here & make myself useful.

Gram MT's idea of making myself useful is to do the Journal entry for today while she does stuff in the kitchen. I'm not crazy about all this writing stuff, but there's no arguing with her when she's glaring at you & tapping her nasty looking walking stick. She told me to write down what's happened to me sine The Outbreak started - that's what we all call that stupid smallpox; The Outbreak & when that gets to be too hard, to write about what's going on here today. If I have to, I have to I guess, so here goes.

Mom, my little sister Erica & I lived outside of town on the other side - pretty near the quarry where they're burying all the dead bodies. That sounds dumb, you don't bury LIVE bodies, do you? We’ve been on our own since Dad died in a car crash about 6 years ago. He had a good life insurance policy & Mom had inherited some money a few months before he died, so we were okay that way. I guess that kept one big thing off of our minds but I was too young to really worry about that being an issue. Mom had told me right away though that we were going to be able to stay right where we were; no moving. What freaked me out was everybody telling me I had to be the man of the house now. I was 10 frigging years old! That really freaked me out & I should have talked to mom about it but I figured she had enough to worry about & she was so sad already. I resented Erica though, no one told her she suddenly had to act like an adult. I didn’t deal with that whole aspect of it very well. I started acting like a real baby; maybe inside I thought if I acted immature, they’d stop expecting me to replace my dad. They, being all my aunts, uncles, older cousins & stuff. I started acting like an idiot, I really did. I’d ‘forget’ to come straight home from school. I went out of my way to do things I wasn’t allowed to do & I was mean to Erica. I gave mom fits.

At some point she took me to see a really good counselor & after a month or so, he got it out of me – what was bothering me, of course. He helped me get the anger & fear out, a bit at a time & it wasn’t something that happened quickly. I was surprised at how angry I was. I was angry with everyone who’d told me to be ‘the man of the house’, I was angry with dad for dying & I was really pissed with mom for not seeing how angry I was! I don’t think I really got it all together until just before I started my freshman year at high school. Before she died, mom told me I’d been a real help & comfort to her these last 3 years & I was glad to hear it. I was a real jerk after my dad died.

I need to stop a bit here; it still upsets me to think about it too much at once. Let me put down what everybody did this morning. Alex, Drew, Sam, Jake, Morgan & I dug out those dead cows – gross! We dragged them to a back shed & Drew now has them hanging upside down by chains & ropes & such. Annette in sitting in there right now watching a small kerosene stove they’ve lit to try & thaw the cattle a bit before they cut them up. We’re not eating beef tonight though; we had those dead chickens too & the women spent most of the morning boiling those – feathers & all. They were frozen stiff too, so they just dumped them in boiling water, then took the feathers off & took the guts out. Max is making chicken pies or something like that & canning the rest. God, right now, I’m sick of chicken. I’d kill for a Big Mac & normally I’m not crazy about those things. Hey, pizza would be cool too. Anything take out would be excellent right now. The food here is really good, but I’d love a change. The kids have been doing some schoolwork with Gram MT & she asked if I could help her tomorrow – cool! I used to help Erica & that was kind of fun.

Guess I should get back to the rest of my story. With mom not being short of money she was able to do full time what she’d played around with for years, buy & train well bred horses & compete in shows. A lot of people buy very expensive, quality animals & have them shown by professional riders. That’s what mom did when she wasn’t showing her own horses. Erica & I rode as soon as we could get on a horse. I worked in the stables & mom used to pay me. I really, really loved it & I ride much better than I’ve been able to show here. It would be showing off & while the animals here are nice, they’re not up to the standard mom used to work towards. I had dreams of doing the whole national team thing, Olympics, etc. but it would have been a long time before I reached that level. Mom was working on getting me into a good riding school next year, up in Canada. One of their Olympic riders, Ian Millar still shows but concentrates now on training horses & top class riders. I really hate losing that. It was a dream for such a long time.

We were enjoying a really fine Christmas holiday before the news. Mom had some great business lined up for next spring & summer, a pretty full schedule. While she didn’t need to make any kind of profit, she thought she might actually make a few thousand, after expenses. She was even talking of expanding, building another stable with 8 more stalls & if things really went well, an indoor riding ring bigger than the one we were using. Now mom is normally on the road a lot in the summer, we all are. She does the show circuit & Erica & I would go along with her most times. She had 2 helpers here, people she’d met on the show circuit who were looking to work with hoses. She’d hire them to work from spring to fall & they’d keep the place going when we were on the road. So in winter, she liked to stay close to home. Living where we did, the roads weren’t wonderful, so we tended to have a reasonable amount of food & stuff, especially for the horses. Mom only kept on 4 horses this winter: 2 Saddlebreds, a lovely little Morgan & an Arabian 2-year-old. The workload in the stables was really light & we were enjoying a restful time. Just as well, I figured. The high school here is set up on the semester system & I had finals to write the last week of January. I had biology, English, math, business, civics & history; a pretty heavy exam load. Oh I’m doing fine in my courses, but hoped to do really well on exams. I’m not sure – wasn’t sure – what I wanted to do after high school but I was starting to lean towards business & equine studies, if I could find that kind of a double major. It’s not easy to make money in the horse business & I hoped to help mom out, going into business with her. So for me the holiday meant light stable chores, tons of good food & lots of study hours.

Just took some time off here, helping get supper ready. Man, I suck with a paring knife! Cut myself twice & Max says that maybe I should stick to horses! I’d prefer to that or anything other than cutting food. The kids are out playing, supposedly looking for loose kindling & stuff, but they seem to be finding more loose snowballs than anything else. The guys have pretty much finished reinforcing the chicken coop & making it more windproof. All the shoveling they wanted to do is done & Annette popped in to tell me the horses have been seen to & are fine. All that’s really left for tomorrow in terms of new or hard wok is turning those dead cows into meat. Kind of glad I’m not going to have to help with that – Aunt Anne said at least 1 more day inside & off my feet. Good, if I had to help with that I might never want a steak again.

But where was I; yeah just before The Outbreak…

Mom was out paying some bills & ordering some new saddle blankets while Erica & I watched an old Christmas movie. I really freaked when the movie was interrupted for a news conference from the Governor. Erica was scared to death, mainly because she didn’t understand what was going on. Well I didn’t either. I’d never heard of smallpox until the news conference. The more I listened, the more scared I got. It wasn’t even so much what the Governor said but what he looked like. He was pale & sweating & it wasn’t exactly a warm day out. Everybody standing around him looked worried & that made it hard to believe them when they said things would be okay if we stayed calm, you know?

After a few minutes, I put a blank tape in the VCR & turned it on. I didn’t have a clue what was important to know; figured Mom would have a better idea. I just know it sounded pretty bad & I called her on her cell. She was on her way home anyway, listening to a tape in the car & hadn’t heard. She thought I was playing a really bad joke on her, but finally believed me when I put Erica on & Erica asked her if she was coming straight home. She was home in about half an hour & we all sat there & watched TV. They were repeating information by then so we were able to figure out what the disease was, what the fuss was about. Mom was scribbling down notes as fast as she could, trying to note symptoms, things to watch for, things to do… although there wasn’t much about the last. I didn’t like that. Whenever I’ve been sick before, Mom’s been able to get some kind of medicine or prescription to clear it up. Usually I never get sick. I’ve had all my shots as a kid & Mom even made sure I got rabies shots because we’re around animals so often. I really couldn’t understand how dangerous this might be, no matter how hard I tried. The worst thing I’ve seen is outbreaks of flu where a lot of students & teachers miss some time, but that clears up after a few weeks.

We finally turned off the TV & nuked a couple of pizzas for supper so we could think about what we’d heard & what we could do to stay safe. Mom figured we’d be safe at home for maybe 6 weeks or so with the food we had, if we took it easy. The horses would be fine; there’s enough feed for twice the number we have for all of the winter. What we didn’t like was just not knowing what was going to happen or when. They spoke of vaccine clinics but couldn’t tell us when those would be set up or how they’d work. After a while we were hearing about rationing & by then we DID have cases in town. Mom decided for us NOT to go & get the vaccine. That really pissed me off & we had a huge fight about it. I thought she was really being stupid about it, because even if we were exposed, as long as we got the shots within 4 days, we should be covered. I thought of just going on my own, but if I did & was exposed to it, I’d bring it home to Mom & Erica.

So I stayed home, watched the news & looked after the horses with mom. I tried to study but it didn’t seem important anymore. It was clear schools weren’t going to be starting up anytime soon. There really wasn’t a whole lot to do at home. I was online a lot but some days it was hard to get a connection & when I did, downloads were so slow. With most people stuck at home, I guess a lot were online looking for information or just chatting with friends. We’ve never had much time for tv, so didn’t have a lot of VCR tapes to watch either.

Mom got sick first. I think about 10 days after the news alert; she got up one morning & said she felt lousy. She’d been staying up pretty late & told me she thought it was a cold due to stress & being overtired. Couldn’t tell that early anyway. A few days later she was really sick & Erica was too. I was pretty sure they had smallpox. The next morning, I knew for sure. Mom was already showing the pox things; those hard little red bumps & Erica’s throat looked like it was on fire. It took less than 5 days for them both to die & I’m going to leave it at that because it was bloody awful. I couldn’t even bury them when they were dead. So I changed Mom’s bed, got them dressed into some nice clothes & just placed them in the bed, as though they were sleeping.

Somewhere in that time when they were sick, somebody stole our horses. I couldn’t be sure when & with the wind blowing around, there were no tracks left. I didn’t even have the option left of riding out of there. I wasn’t worried about getting sick by that point. I’d spent so much time trying to look after Mom & Erica, if I was going to get sick, I figured I would have. But where was I going to go & what should I take with me? No way I was staying at home with my family dead upstairs & the place was getting cold pretty fast. Before I could seriously prepare to leave, I got sick. I don’t remember very much of the next few weeks, except that it hurt like nothing that I’d ever had before. I vaguely remember going outside a few times & literally rolling in the snow – anything to stop the burning & itching. I guess I ate enough. I don’t really remember that much about it but once I started coming around I was skinny but still alive. I must have eaten sometimes. God, but I stank & the whole house reeked of pox & death. But I was stuck there at least for a little bit of time until I felt a bit stronger. To do that I had to eat & rest & try to somehow properly get myself cleaned up.

This is going to sound bizarre, but I ended up moving into one of the stalls, an empty one mom kept full of clean bedding for any horses she received for training or bought unexpectedly. By piling up hay & straw along the walls, I turned it into a pretty comfortable little nest. I piled in some blankets & a couple of sleeping bags & found some flashlight batteries. I got out our Coleman cooker & heated up some water in the garage. I had to get washed up if only to get rid of the stink. I put the clothes I’d been wearing right into a trash bag, then another one. At least I still had clean clothes. For about a week I ate, rested, washed daily & scratched. Man! Did I ever itch. I couldn’t get enough sleep & I know sometimes, I would have completely lost track of time if my stomach hadn’t woken me up. I didn’t know how long it had been, how much time had passed since I became ill & I had no way of knowing.

After that week or thereabouts, I was ready to leave, mentally anyway. I needed another couple of days to get ready. I scrounged whatever food we had left in the house, not really more than a couple of cans of stuff I’d normally turn up my nose at. I couldn’t believe how tired I still felt & normally the three-mile walk into town would have seemed like nothing but now just thinking about it made me want to crawl back into bed. I left about the eleventh day after I felt I was going to make it. I still looked pretty bad, (mirrors don’t lie), & felt worse, but I had to get out of there. I had no food left, was getting colder & felt so alone. It took me most of the day to make it to the outskirts of town, outskirts in terms of walking that is. I heard what I think were military trucks, but none passed me & I would have killed for a lift, even of only a quarter mile.

By mid afternoon, I was wiped & absolutely starved. I’d forgotten a can opener. I came upon a cluster of 4 or 5 houses about a half a mile from town. None of them looked as though anyone was home & I HAD to get something to eat. I wasn’t happy with the idea of breaking into someone else’s home. I wasn’t raised that way. But what was I supposed to do? I had no way to open my food & before the power went out, it was looking as though most people in this area were sick, dead or dying. If I knocked at doors & got no answer, then it couldn’t be too terrible for me to break in & try to get what I needed to stay alive, right? It made sense, it really did but it was still really hard for me to DO it. But finally, I did. I felt awful, a real, (excuse me – shit), for breaking that window & going in but I did. Luckily no one was home & it looked like whoever lived there had left before Christmas. There were tons of ornaments all over the place, ceramic stuff & glass ladies & fancy dresses – old lady style junk & pictures of what had to be grandkids.

I hit the jackpot in the kitchen; loads of canned & boxed food; stews, soups, beans, ravioli & stuff. There were lots of packages of that flavored rice that boils in 20 minutes, noodles. Oh man, I didn’t know where to start. Actually I ended up by gobbling down about a quarter of a box of Frosted Flakes – dry. Almost hurled it up too; it had been a while since I’d really felt that hungry. I didn’t have any way to heat the stews & stuff & figured I’d best see if they had a fireplace. But first, I had to go to the bathroom; figured I’d better do that outside. I was walking through the snow when I saw Isabelle peeking through her open door. Man, she was so tiny, white & skinny. I waved & she just called out: “please help me”. I raced over & found her sitting on the floor, looking starved & cold & David looking even worse. Oh man, I almost lost it. They looked like pictures you see of starving kids in those icky tv ads. And their place was freezing. I took my coat off & put it around the little guy & put my hat on Isabelle, then tore around looking for something, anything, to warm them up.

In the front room, they had a fireplace. They had wood right by it & I found some newspaper, tons of it. It took about 15 minutes to get a fire going – I’d forgotten to make sure the flue was open & it got smoky, but once it heated up a bit, it drew well. I got the kids bundled up right in front of it & kept them there until they felt warmer. I warmed some water & got a bit of that into them. I didn’t dare try food quite yet. I remembered reading that you could kill someone feeding them too fast if they’d been without food for a time. So for the first few hours, I just gave them small sips of warmed water; first just plain, then with just a tiny bit of sugar I found in the back of a cupboard. After a few hours, I made them stand up & walk around a bit & helped them go to the bathroom in a bucket. I sat them down again – the front room was almost comfortable by then & heated up some thinned soup; tomato, I think. While that was heating, I found them some warmer clothes.

I was really tempted to let them as much as they could, but I limited them to maybe the equivalent of a small glass full of soup. Even at that David almost threw up. Oh, they were still so hungry, but I thought it was better to go slowly. They looked so bad & I felt sure if I hadn’t happened in the area, they wouldn’t have lasted much longer. Hey that doesn’t make me a hero or nothing. It just makes those 2 kids pretty damned lucky. That night, after I got them properly cleaned up & sleeping in something warm for the first time in God knows when, I cried. I mean, I CRIED. I had to go outside. Those poor little kids. How many others were out there stuck like these 2 with no help at all? Their parents weren’t in the house & the kids were too sick & weak to talk.

I did get some sleep, after bringing in more firewood; they weren’t short of that, thank goodness. I shut off that front room as best I could too, to keep the heat in there. It’s a small front room & only has one other door to the kitchen & that I could shut. The place was a real mess. I think the kids had been scrounging for whatever food they could find. There were opened cans of stuff lying around & the kids later told me that’s what they did. I was awake before they were & heated up more soup, vegetable this time. I let split a whole can & gave them a can of chicken noodle about 2 hours later. I did nothing for several days but keep the place warm, feed those kids & myself. I was able to go to those nearby houses & grab a lot of food. I don’t know where all those who lived there were; maybe away for the holidays, when the crap hit the fan. Where ever they’d gone & for whatever the reason, I was grateful to have easy access to food & other items, if only to get those kids healthy again.

Thankfully, kids recover from most things fairly quickly. After about a week, they were looking a lot better, still very thin, pale & subdued, but I figured as long as I could keep them fed, they’d be all right. Where their parents were remained a mystery to me for several days. They were not in or around the house or property & Isabelle finally told me they’d left early one morning, weeks previously, to try & find food & get news. They’d never returned, although they’d promised the kids they’d be back at nightfall. After that long, I figured they weren’t coming back. And I hadn’t planned on being responsible for 2 little kids. I sure didn’t need that. I wasn’t sure I could look after myself & what if I screwed up & got them killed or something? I was scared stiff & resentful, angry even.

Sometime in my second week with them, I decided we’d be best to head into town, as soon as I thought they were strong enough to walk the remaining distance. Izzy was convinced her parents were alive; that we’d run into them. I doubted it, but wasn’t about to argue with her. I swear that’s what was keeping her going & David just clung to her, or to me, every minute of the day. I took a few days to put together some cans of food, some water & extra clothes & one fine morning, we headed off.

Joe’s probably mentioned how we encountered him, but here it is from our point of view. We’d been walking most of the day & had stopped for a rest. Izzy heard the dogs & before I could tell her to wait, to hide until I checked this out, she went tearing off. She had it in her head that it was her mom & dad, that they’d met up with someone who had dogs & were heading home. I grabbed my rifle & took off after her only to see Joe, Morgan, the women & Ashley. They probably thought I was angry at them or something. Actually, I was just terrified that Izzy may have gotten us into something I couldn’t handle.

The rest you all know. I’m sure glad we ended up here. It’s a relief not to have the sole responsibility for those kids. They’re great kids really, but what I know about raising kids can be written on a matchbook. Now for someone who doesn’t much like writing, I’ve done a lot. Time to get some supper in me. Maybe I’ll add something later, tomorrow even if Aunt Anne insists on me staying inside & sitting down.

[CanadaSue]

MT picking up the pen again, on a rainy Friday afternoon. I enjoy doing these entries, but it’s nice to have others take up the slack too. I know Tom has been painstakingly transcribing the remainder of our newcomers’ stories for inclusion in this binder. He’ll be adding those sometime later today, after checking with those who told them, making sure he did not make any major errors. I know there have been minor discrepancies in what some have said & what they’ve remembered. I’m not surprised, as memory can be a fragile thing. What is unforgettable to one may be but a mere detail to another. I think it simply adds to the richness of our Journal & as long as what’s different from tale to tale is not a major item, it doesn’t really matter.

It’s remained mild & “melty" as Jared likes to say since Monday. Thankfully, it doesn’t go any higher than the mid forties during the day & dips to just below freezing at night. Drew is more than happy with that saying it’s exactly the sort of slow melt we need to allow much of the moisture contained in the snow to seep into the ground. I rather enjoy hearing the icicles begin dripping around mid morning. By mid afternoon, it sounds like a veritable chorus of fairy bells playing a Tribute to Spring. True this weather brings a lot of mud & it’s become a real chore keeping it out of the house. The children especially tend to burst in without removing boots or even making a cursory attempt to wipe them off. We’ve put them in charge of keeping the back kitchen entrance mud free hoping that will encourage them to be more cautious about allowing mud to get indoors.

Because much of the snow had melted before this storm, this latest accumulation is disappearing rapidly. Drew is especially pleased with the wind we’ve had. It’s been steady, not too strong & is helping remove the snow. Drew’s had time to check his fence lines again & only has 2 sections to repair since the storm. Morgan had a good look at the roof of the horse bar, cattle barn & several of the larger outbuildings – just making sure they hadn’t been weakened by that ferocious wind. Drew estimates another 2 weeks & we can start some major outdoor work. We’re more & more eager to do that now that we’ve been cooped up for a time.

Isabelle is now on her feet feeling just fine. Her stitches remain uninfected & Anne will take them out sometime this weekend. The headaches, bruising & stiffness have been gone for a few days & she does appear to be thinking a bit more before she acts. Mark is still limping a bit, especially towards the end of a long day, but his ankle is fine as well. He too is making sure he’s cautious. We’re all trying to be a little more careful with how we move around & handle various tasks. It’s so easy to allow yourself to become distracted when doing routine chores. It’s easy to forget that routine though they may be, they can be dangerous. We’re making sure the children understand how careful we’ll have to be this summer with ashes from the wood stove. During dry periods, especially with winds blowing, fires can start so easily. I must remember to ask Anne if she’s asked everyone here about allergies. Goodness, I’d hate to discover the hard way that someone has a life-threatening allergy to bees for example. I think Anne has some of those kits; the ones where you can inject yourself if you’re stung or bitten, but I must ask next time she comes in.

Morgan has almost finished his “washing machine”. It’s quite the contraption. He mounted an old bicycle on a stand so that it goes nowhere & did something with the chains & various gears so that it drives an agitator in a large metal tub. It looks very awkward but seem to work. It allows the dirty clothing to be stirred around & means there’s less manual scrubbing. Once it’s been agitated for 15 or 20 minutes, the clothing is then removed & rinsed, wrung & hung. It’s somewhat more complicated than that, a longer process, but Morgan says now that he knows that works, he’ll make an identical one for rinsing. We can use the whole contraption outdoors while the weather allows & by next winter, we hope to have re-arranged the house so that we have room. Even the children, once they’re tall enough to comfortably reach the pedals on the bike, will be able to operate these machines for the time it takes to do one load. We’re delighted & Maxine rewarded him by making his favorite supper; a tuna casserole mixture he gave her the recipe for & coconut cream pie for dessert.

Knowing special chores, bright ideas & innovation can be rewarded by favorite foods, the children having working on coming up with ideas of their own. We had to point out that the idea alone wasn’t enough, what mattered what successful execution! I’m sure given time & more familiarity with farm chores, more than a few of them will come up with something. So far they’ve come with interesting but totally impractical ideas. At least they’re thinking! Izzy is determined to invent an automatic dishwasher. She loathes doing dishes.

We’ve kept busy this week, waiting for the melt to be over. Mark has been giving riding lessons to those interested when time permits. Annette can trot around fairly well now & is dying to gallop, but Marks is firm is saying she’s not nearly ready for that yet. Tom is also doing very well. He’s quite happy remaining at a walk & is quite happy to walk the gelding around the corral, turning here & there, making it back up & stopping when he wishes & has announced he’s ready to try & go just a bit faster. The children have all been on the ponies save Sammy who, after his first ride, decided horses were’ too big to be on’. It’s true he’s a bit short. I’ve no doubt he’ll change his mind once he sees the other children pelting around on the ponies later this summer. Jared is already trotting pretty comfortably & when the pony he was on broke into a gallop for a few steps earlier today, he managed to stay on. He told Mark he had to learn how to do “THAT” so he was comfortable. Mark promised that next week he would, on what he calls a longe line, a long tether that keeps the pony going in circles & through which Mark can control its speed somewhat.

Sarah told us the dogs are as ready as they ever will be to pull wagons, the stone sled & any other small vehicle we can come up with. She’s found pairs of dogs who work well together & 2 pairs she claims will even listen to the children if they’re working with them. She’s teaching the children how to handle them & most are doing fine. It’s important she says to be firm with them & the more strong willed of the little ones are having the most luck. Morgan has put together a few small wagons, with Andy’s help & it’s hilarious to watch the kids racing around the yard in the wagons, dogs pulling as fast & hard as they can.

Jean has spent time, a lot of it with the cattle. The calves are doing well & enjoying the opportunity to be outdoors all the time now. It certainly makes barn chores easier, no bedding to muck out. The horses are out nights now as well & the young ones, both calves & foals are growing like weeds. We have all the foals in halters now & several times a day, Mark & Annette, with Jean’s help, spend a bit of time leading them around, teaching them the basics of working with people. It’s quite comical to watch them. They turn back & find their mothers, almost as if asking for permission to follow whichever human is trying to lead them. I swear the mares almost roll their eyes in exasperation. 2 have even been seen to nudge the foals along, resulting in squeals of indignation from the little ones. Mark is also showing Annette how to get them used to being touched & handled. They really don’t need brushing yet at their age, but he’s slowly getting them accustomed to that as well. It’s a slow process & they have to be fairly calm to even attempt it. It involved stroking their necks & backs & moving gradually to the head & legs. Mark says in a few weeks, we’ll be able to pick up their legs as will be necessary when they’re older to check their hooves.

Cindy & Louise have resumed cleaning up the yard of debris, both what would be there anyway & things getting blown in from elsewhere. Amazing what you find & daily we have a “prize” for the most unusual item. Winning things have included an empty shampoo bottle from a salon – it’s that expensive stuff which costs about $30 a bottle!, a plastic package of men’s’ underwear, an empty nylon wallet & an advertising poster from a play held in town just before The Outbreak. Most of what we find consists of bits of old paper, food wrappers, and the usual garbage. Louise is not happy about several small sinkholes, which have appeared near the front gate. They’re not large or deep, but they’ll really need to be filled in before someone trips & takes a fall. The path to the cattle barn is a swampy mess as well but Drew says that happens every year. He’s just not sure how to fill it in this year not being able to order gravel. Perhaps small bundles of wood covered by dirt? It’s a suggestion.

Cindy is really starting to put on weight now. Goodness, I wonder if she’s sure of her dates. She looks as if she’ll deliver within 6 weeks, not 3 months. I wonder… might she have twins??? She was scheduled for an ultrasound after Christmas but of course never had the opportunity to have one. She admits to feeling “heavy” & tired more easily but as long as she takes a few short rests during the day she seems to be fine. Anne has suggested she eats smaller meals but more often to prevent feeling any more bloated than she already does. Louise too is showing a small tummy now but she’s about half way along so this is normal. Both women are able to keep up with their work although we’re paying careful attention to exactly how much they’re doing.

We’ve noticed one advantage to being isolated from others still alive. No one has developed a spring cold. That’s a blessing. We’re all used to sniffing, sneezing & coughing for a few weeks during early spring & we don’t miss it a bit. Everyone is eating well, sleeping solidly & I’m noticing a gradual increase in everyone’s energy levels, with perhaps the exception of Maxine. Of all of us here, she’s having the most difficult time dealing with Greg’s death. She’s been so quiet & is still forcing herself to eat. She’s going through the motions right now & it hurts so to watch, knowing there’s very little you can do. I try to give her a hug a few times a day but she’s rather withdrawn. I hope times eases her burden. Sam has snapped himself out of his funk. Oh he’s still hurting – badly, but he’s trying hard for the children as well as Maxine, to carry on as best he can. The children of course seem to be dealing with it well. I say of course, because children seem so much more flexible about these things. I envy them their resilience.

Our newcomers continue to give reasons to bless their arrival. As well as their obvious talents & skills, it’s a joy to discuss familiar topics with those who have a fresh viewpoint. Alex & Tom & increasingly Morgan, love their daily debates. Topics range from literature to the best way to rebuild a post Outbreak America. Mark & Annette join in sometimes, with their own ideas & it’s wonderful to watch any of them be struck with a new idea. THAT is truly education! I find that throughout the day, among discussions of more mundane matters such as: “Did we take out enough pickles?”, or “Anybody see the porch broom?”, I hear pairs & small groups talking over our upcoming work here, the community at large & how that will eventually be re-constituted… I’m glad to see even the little ones doing that. Granted, they’re more interested in knowing when they can buy candy again, will they go back to real schools; but they’re wondering, asking & thinking.

Local newscasts tell us we’re at about 1100 people now & we’ve had a total of 14 babies so far. Most who wanted to get together with others, to form groups as self sustaining as possible have done so or are in the process. That’s good news. We know here that some nearby farms are being re-occupied. When the wind is right you can smell wood smoke & using the binoculars, Drew reports that a farm about a ½ mile away, at the other end of Drew’s field seems to have new residents. Knowing that. We’ve begun tethering a pair of dogs just inside the front fence in the evening. Oh I’m far from convinced that whoever is over there has anything bad in mind, but we must remain mindful of the risks. Drew says he’s seen a number of adults & several children & that’s encouraging. Another family group nearby would be welcome to me as well as the children. If these people turn out to be well-intended & pleasant folk to know, we could use the neighbors! Drew says he’ll keep an eye out for the next week or so; in fact we’ll all take a turn peeking through the binoculars & if there’s nothing alarming from a distance, Drew & Sam, perhaps a few others, will walk over to say hello. They don’t have to get too close, just near enough to indicate we’re here, (although I’m sure they’re watching too), & that we’re simply trying to look after our group.

The doctor is town is now ‘open for business’. Regrettable, he will not accept anyone who suspects they or their family members have smallpox. The risk is still too great. He will try & see to other problems; the normal things family doctors deal with. He’s already seeing a number of people & trying to draw up lists of peoples’ major concerns. He read a wonderful piece over the radio yesterday, about the difficulty in establishing new groups of people to work together. He reminded us all that we’re essentially strangers, we all have habits that may be irritating to others & that a great deal of patience on everyone’s part may be called for. Sound advice, I think. He stressed that people grieve differently & that we’re still experiencing great individual grief as well as mourning as a community & nation. He urged us to be kind to those around us, to try & avoid seeking solace in drink, over eating, even overwork. We’re to let ourselves grieve as best we can, he suggested & especially if we’re in groups, to try & take the time we need by ourselves, even if it’s just 10 or 15 minutes a day.

The mayor reports the body disposal teams are well into their work now. During this past week, they’ve developed a routine that permits them to clear homes & other buildings fairly quickly. Almost all the downtown business district, including apartments over businesses have been cleared. They are now working outwards getting into the more residential areas. They’re feeling the urgency to get as much as they can, done before the weather gets much warmer. The mayor asked that we remember these folks in our prayers & added a plea for extra tarpaulins or plastic sheeting of any kind. It’s hateful to think of bodies being stacked & dumped without some sort of covering. It seems too, those rare times when a person is encountered on the street by the wagon teams, a custom of stopping & either removing one’s hat or bowing has developed. Funny, how people find themselves doing the same things. The mayor hopes to have the main residential districts cleared within the next 2 weeks. Then, work will commence on outlying farms. He did stress that anyone taking over farmhouses who encounter bodies, who feel they have the means to dispose of the bodies properly, should do so & if possible, note who these unfortunate departed were. Some may have living relatives who will want to know what happened to their loved ones. A list of the known dead has been drawn up at City Hall & every newscast; the new names added to the list are read. Copies of this list will be posted soon.

A couple of fellows who are ham radio operators have actually managed to receive word from Milwaukee & Gary Indiana. As in other cities, the news is rather discouraging. Many of those surviving are preparing to leave, to relocate elsewhere. The basics of the news differed little from what we heard from Chicago. Panic, riots, looting & now illnesses due to bad food or water. Flu it seems is also being seen which surprises me; I thought it would be a little late for flu, but perhaps the change in the pattern of usual movements has changed that as well. I hope the outbreaks of flu we’ve heard about are limited in scope & duration. Few have time to be sick now & many are still very weakened by smallpox & hunger. The mayor reminds us frequently too, that smallpox has not gone away. It may come to pass that The Outbreak truly won’t be over until every household has been visited by the strain that can overcome the vaccine in most people.

The last we heard from the nation’s capitol, it seemed that researchers felt they were close to decoding the gene of that smallpox strain. We’ve heard nothing since – no news at all from Washington & I continually pray that this mystery can be solved & perhaps a new vaccine found. If not, I don’t know how this will all end up. We have no way of knowing what the true toll has been & may never know. I fear now that this great scourge, once banished from our midst is back to stay. I can’t see any nation being able to develop concerted efforts to control it for a number of years, perhaps decades. More reason for prayer.

I hope we’ll soon be able to get more news from the rest of the nation, in fact, the entire world. It’s still frightening not to know what is going on anywhere else but our small community. News would not only allow to judge how other areas have fared, but perhaps provide good ideas for coping, for distributing the bounty of the earth to allow those who’ve survived to continue to live & raise their families. With the prospect of people passing through, perhaps we’ll soon have this sort of information. But for now, I’ll continue to hope & pray & I’d best get to dinner before Maxine feels she has to come & drag me out herself!

[CanadaSue]

It feels like forever since I wrote something for Gramp’s Journal. I’ve been busy though; really busy with the horses, the dogs & everything else we have to do around here. It scares me to think that soon, we’ll be having to do more, a LOT more. During the storm when I got bored of school work & studying, I spent a bit of time writing down what would have been a normal day for me living at home & going to school. I mentioned that to Dad & he thought it might be a good idea to write it down neatly, then add a description of my daily routine here, as it is right now. I thought about that & he’s right. Maybe years from now I’ll have forgotten what was life was like before. It will be neat for any kids or grandkids I have to write it down too. I should pass the word out to people, to maybe do that soon. So anyway, I picked a Thursday, because it’s a pretty normal day for me – or used to be. Here’s what it would have been like from when I woke up to when I went to bed:

Six thirty: the alarm would go off & I’d get up, then go & take a shower. Usually, I was done by seven & dad would be hammering on the door, telling me to hurry up before the boys get up. Dads don’t realize how much time you need, you know; to get your hair rinsed. Blow that & you’re guaranteed a bad hair day.

Seven: back to my room & pick out my clothes. Thursday I didn’t have gym, so I could wear something nice & do my hair my favorite way & get my makeup on perfectly. Usually Amanda or Tamara would call; just to check on what I was wearing. Didn’t wanna clash, ya know?

Eight: dad’s gone to work by now, so it’s just me, mom & the boys. I’d make sure I had my books & money for lunch – Thursday was pizza days, then grab a glass of juice & a bagel. Tamara usually calls again, to let me know she’s leaving.

Eight thirty: I leave for school. It’s only a few minutes away, but there’s SOOO much to talk about & with the bell ringing at five past nine, I have to hurry to catch up on any good stuff the other girls might have.

Five past nine: sitting in History; well usually. Mr. Hansen used to say if I spent as much time making sure I was on time as I did combing my hair, I’d have a perfect tardy record. Gawd, men are sooo not with it! Boring old history until ten.

Five past ten: English: That’s kind of a fun class this year. The teacher is new & he’s a babe magnet. I love it when he reads the Romance poets or some of the Shakespeare roles. We did Brave New World as a class novel for first semester & he made it sound really creepy.

Five past eleven: this is art class, one of my favorites. I didn’t like the teacher at first. Mr. O’Neill used to be really fussy, wouldn’t let us do anything our way, but I guess he was right. My drawing got better when I followed the rules for perspective, shadowing & stuff like that. Greg was in that class & even if I’d hated art, I would have gone, just to sit behind Greg!

Five past noon & we have until one thirty for lunch. Gawd, that’s barely enough time to grab a couple of slices of pizza, fix my hair & makeup & catch up on anything that happened in other classes during the morning. Usually something did.

One thirty: math; why do they have to have math right after lunch? I always feel like I’m going to fall asleep, especially when we’re doing stuff like functions. I don’t get it; it’s so useless in the real world.

Two thirty: last class of the day, civics last term & I hated it. I wish they’d change the Constitution or something. It’s like soooo not up to date. It sounds funny when you have to read it aloud & I don’t get half of it. Like who cares about half of that stuff.

Three thirty: finally! The last bell rings, then it’s rush to my locker & make sure I have my books for homework. Meet Amanda, Tamara & usually Ashley & either they’d come to my place or I’d go to one of theirs. Mom’s a drag; insists I be home by five to help set the table & finish helping her get supper ready. Like, I’m the only 15-year-old who has to do that stuff. It’s so embarrassing. I barely have time to talk about our day & who’s hot & what girls are getting nasty & who broke up with who & is available & all the really important stuff.

Five o’clock: well, more or less. I don’t understand why mom gets so ticked when I’m a few minutes late. It’s not like it matters if the glasses hit the table at ten after. Set the table; make sure the boys put their junk away & usually take a phone call or two. Mom always complained I was on the phone too much. She must really be getting old if she forgets how much stuff there is to talk about.

Six o’clock. Dad’s home, we eat, then I’m stuck loading the dishwasher. Usually we’re done by seven, tidying up that is & I have to do homework. I’m not allowed to use the phone between seven & nine! Mom & Dad say I have to be doing homework or studying & then I’m only allowed to phone or be phoned between nine & nine thirty. They don’t get it; what if something IMPORTANT happens!!!???!!! Parents!

Nine thirty or so, I’ll sometimes watch TV or put on my stereo. I have to go to bed until ten thirty & mom & dad think that’s late. Yeah, right! I need time to try & figure what I’m going to wear on Friday. What if Greg or some other guy is like, wanting to ask me out & I look like a skank? Mom says forget it, I spend enough worrying about “idiocy” like that. Idiocy? Suuuuuuuuure, it is. Mom IS old.

Ten thirty: bed & start the whole thing over again Friday, except I usually go out Friday night with the girls or they come here or something.


Sheesh you know, it took me a few minutes to get back into that mind set, to remember what it was like. It almost embarrasses me now to read that, especially when I compare that to one of my days now. I really didn’t do anything, did I? Went to school, hung out, bitched over some minor chores. Here’s a look at a typical day today:


Six: get up when someone knocks on the door. Get whatever clothes I’ve left out on before I freeze to death. Use the, (yuck!), chamber pot. Make my bed, pick up anything I’ve left lying around & wash my face with COLD water. If I can find my brush, drag it through my hair.

Six thirty: go down & see if whoever’s doing breakfast needs help. If not, make sure the kiddies are dressed & have left their rooms reasonable. Usually have one chamber pot mess to clean up! Check to see if MT needs any help & send the kids downstairs. Collect all the chamber pots, dump their contents into a big bucket &, (wearing rubber gloves), dip them into soap & water mix we have ready. Turn them upside down on an old towel to drip dry. Empty the chamber pot into the outhouse hole if the weather allows it. If not, get the bucket out to the back porch until later.

Seven: join everybody for breakfast. Cut up stuff for the little ones & help with serving, clearing, whatever. Make sure I know what I’m supposed to be doing that day.

Seven thirty: morning stables if the horses are in. Turn them out & clear away any messes in their stalls. Add new bedding when needed & take the old bedding to the manure pile. Water, then feed the horses & check them over to make sure they’re okay.

Eight thirty: start working the horses with Mark. Halter train the foals, help him harness the young geldings & drive them for a bit & give riding lessons, (he does that, I just stick around to help if needed), to Grampa, Morgan & the kids.

Eleven: go in & get cleaned up. Help with lunch if necessary, If it’s a laundry day, help wring & hang the heavy stuff. Do any reaching & carrying Cindy & Louise can’t manage.

Twelve: lunch. Same thing as the morning, helping out & making sure the littles have at least washed their hands before eating.

Twelve thirty: do any schoolwork Gramps has prepared for me. I have to work for 2 hours most days.

Two thirty: general chores. That might be moving feed to the barns, shoveling manure, shoveling snow, bringing in water or wood, fetching & carrying, helping Sarah with the dogs or Noreen with anything she might need. Being a general dog’s body for everybody.

Four thirty: we eat early & this is when I really have to watch that the kids are clean. After supper if it’s bath night for some of them, I sometimes help with that. If not, the adults find plenty for me to do! If the kids are wired or fussy, sometimes I’ll read them a story. I like to help MT get cleaned up & comfy for the evening family gathering. It’s kind of our quiet time together.

Six: we try to get together and talk things over, sing together, play games & figure out our work for the next day. Grampa sometimes has me listen to 1 of the littles read aloud, to give them some practice. More & more Cindy is needing help with stuff. She’s HUGE. I hope I never get that big if I have a baby. And she’s got months to go. I go with Mark to tend to the horses again before we all gather around the front room.

Nine: usually the gathering is over & I probably helped put the littles to bed; we take turns doing that. I help tidy up the kitchen some nights before we all go off & do our own thing. By nine thirty we’re usually done & I try to get a half-hour to myself, to read or just think. By ten, I’m ready for sleep. I can’t seem to get enough sleep. How are we going to manage to do all of this stuff AND plant seeds, keep them watered & weeded. Something is going to have to give.

Man, see? It’s not quite ten & I wanted to write more, but I’m ready for bed. Tomorrow maybe?

Night all.


And those have been my days lately. It gets wild when we have to shovel a ton of snow & I don’t know how we’re going

[CanadaSue]

I did mean to write more last night, much more but I was more tired than I'd thought. I'm not sure why I'm so wiped all the time or at least, not entirely sure. I'm only 15 & I always thought I was in good shape - guess not. I've done gymnastics for years; not competing at any really difficult level or anything but I was working out about 4 times a week, 2 hours at a time. That may have left me pretty flexible but almost every day I discover muscles I didn't know I had especially now that I'm riding.

Doesn't that list of what a typical day used to be like look lame? It really does to me now. When I think about the kinds of things that used to bother me, used to freak me out, I wonder how mom & dad stood it. I mean, it all sounds so pointless. I'm far from stupid - always did well in school even in math, which I hate but I doubt I ever wasted much time on thinking about anything really SERIOUS. I talked to dad about that last week & he said that with teens my age, that was pretty normal. Still, I don't think I'd want to go back to being like that.

I used to roll my eyes whenever I heard older people talking about how irresponsible we 'young people' were, how we didn't know the meaning of work, of perseverance & how we didn't understand hard times. After 9/11, I thought that was a mean thing to say. But you know, they were right. 9/11 hit us all pretty hard. It was scary just to walk around town for a while, but it didn't really hit me where it mattered. I didn't know anybody who died & for me & my friends, it was inconvenient more than anything else. It meant having to have my bags checked when I went to concerts & we had to be at the airport early when we flew here at Christmas but other than that, it was just a lot of talk & worried people on the news. We talked about it in civics that September; I remember our teacher telling us it would mean changes we couldn't begin to imagine right now but I thought he was just trying to sound important & all knowing.

I just didn't get it. Maybe none of us really, truly got it. Hey we live in America right? We're strong, we have a great military, we're rich & we're not afraid to try new things. We have the best of everything or thought we did. Gramps like to say we got too fat, dumb & happy & now, only now, am I really starting to get it. We were, weren't we? We wanted food; we opened the fridge or a cupboard. We could nuke up a great meal or snack in a few minutes. Cleanup was easy with a dishwasher. Mom & Dad weren't rich, but we didn't have to worry about where next week's groceries or clothes or activity fees were coming from. If I felt I need half an hour in the shower Dad would screech about power bills, but the water didn't run out.

Now, boy everything you do you have to think about. I was rinsing a chicken the other night for supper. Noreen raised it from an egg, fed it & when it died in the storm, it had to be plucked, gutted & frozen. Then I rinsed it & the 5 others we needed & to cook it, the little shad to bring in wood, someone had to get the stove heated just right & keep it that way. Stuffing meant chopping up some of MT's bread & mixing in frozen things & some herbs. For the first time, I really thought about how much WORK goes into putting food on the table, from start to finish.

Everything we do, everything we have is more & more going to depend on our own work & most of that work is going to be hard. We have lots of stuff now that Gramps had saved up, as well as Drew & lots that we got ourselves but that will eventually run out. I hope it doesn't run out before we have time to figure out the best ways to replace it. Gramps reminded me that our ancestors had knowledge but not all the information they needed to make it here. A lot of it, they learned the hard way. We may be short on skills but we have books within which are written the best ways to do a lot of things. Gramps says that will save us a lot of trial & error. We also understand a lot more about the world around us in a lot of ways that our ancestors couldn't. So in some ways we're ahead, in others we're behind. Maybe it will all work out evenly somehow, I'm not sure.

I was thinking this morning while mucking out the chicken coop with the boys about what I'd written yesterday, about wondering how we'll find the time to do everything. I talked to Noreen & MT about it a few times today & they both said it would just work. They reminded me that some of things we do now, we just won't. We won't be worrying about school for a while & we really won't be spending a lot of time working the adult horses except for the actual work. So once they're harnessed up after being watered & fed, it's just a matter of seeing to them during their rest breaks, making sure harness isn't chafing, making sure they have enough water & aren't too hot. Jean is putting together some ointments & lotions for them in case they do get chafing where the harness lies. She's also making them these darling hats, like big cowboy hats with holes for their ears to keep the sun off their heads. They look funny, but we've had 1 of the mares in 1 & she doesn't seem to mind it at all.

This is going to be really hard work for the horses; they're no more used to it than we are & Drew & Jean said at first, we'll be working slowly to give the horses time to adjust. Not to mention, the mares still have foals at foot & feeding the babies is tiring for them. Drew is going to start by ploughing up the kitchen gardens first. We're doing about 5 acres & he says if we take a week to do that, ploughing & disking - which I think sort of flattens the soil out again, it will be a good warm up for the horses. It will be a warm up for us too. I can feel the blisters on my hands now! We're going to be planting potatoes pretty quickly & how we're going to do it is, plough & leave the... furrows, they're called. Then one of the littles will drop a potato every 18 inches or so & another little will stick a 2 foot stake into the ground right beside the potato. Older folks coming behind will hoe soil over the planted potatoes & the sticks will let us know where they are. Drew says we won't have to worry too much about weeding them after they get some growth on them. He says they're pretty big stems. They'll have to be hilled up later & THAT will be work.

We'll be planting cool crops early too, peas, some beans, lettuce & other stuff that doesn't mind cooler weather. We're going to have to mark areas because Noreen says we'll plant new bunches of stuff every week or so. That's so we're not stuck trying to do down a ton of stuff all at once. It makes sense. She said too that potatoes, carrots, turnips & other stuff like that can stay in the ground until well past frost. We'll be doing peppers, tomatoes, more beans & most of the herbs as it gets warmer. Noreen says we'll even do some celery, but most of it we'll have to cut up & freeze for cooking next winter. She says it can be a lot of work. Broccoli, parsnips, different salad greens, we're going to try as much as we can handle to see what does well. Mom, Louise & Cindy will be keeping records for the kitchen gardens as we go, so we can plan next year better.

Once the kitchen garden is ploughed & we've begun planting it, the men will begin ploughing the main crop fields. We're planting wheat, barley, corn for ourselves & the animals, barley & other grains I've never heard of. Drew is going to plant a really big field of potatoes. He thinks he can trade a lot of it & what we can't use or trade, we can feed to the animals; that is, what we don't save for seed. He says he's planting 6 different kinds of potatoes. Funny I never thought of different kinds of potatoes. To me, they've always been either red or white but he says different ones ripen earlier, some later. Some keep better & some are preferred by the animals., I never thought about it. I asked him if he was doing the same with wheat & he said yeah, he was putting in 3 different kinds. He surprised me by telling me he already has a lot of wheat planted - something called winter wheat. You seed it in the fall & it starts growing early in the spring. I had no idea you could do that.

Out back of the farmyard, he has a huge thicket of raspberry bushes & some strawberries. We'll be doing down a lot of jam & he even has fruit trees - some apples, quince, (whatever that is) & even 3 pear trees he has protected by a big stone wall. MT & Noreen promised to show me some plants in the fields & woods we can use in cooking, for flavouring & some even for medicine - coughs, sore throats, stuff like that. That's pretty neat. I guess our ancestors weren't as badly off as all that once they knew how to use what was around them. I'm still going to miss egg rolls though!

I'm pretty excited to think that there's another bunch of people only about a half mile away. Drew is planning on walking over tomorrow with Dad & Jake. They won't get too close, just wave a big white towel or something & leave a note in a ZipLoc bag, saying we're here, more or less who we are & "hi!". We're going to put the note in plastic in case they want to put it in bleach or something first. They don't know after all, if we've had out shots or been sick or anything. Those here who were sick are all recovered & everything, but I wouldn't want to take chances with strangers either.

Altogether we've seen 5 men, 4 women & 6 or 7 kids. They all look about Mom & Dad's age; the adults & I THINK there's a girl close to my age too! Drew thinks he's seen her chasing after the kids a few times. He thinks the kids are between the ages of our bunch. That would be so cool! Drew says the farm they're on has good land & it's been well looked after. The house is smaller than this one but big enough for that bunch & then some. We've seen everybody there out working in the yard, sharpening what look likes hoes & rakes & obviously getting ready to do what we're doing. That's why Drew wants to go over. He gets the impression they seem to know what they're doing & he just wants to make contact to se if there's any advice he can offer or any help. They couldn't have come from too far away or we'd have heard on the news, but maybe they don't know local weather too well or anything. Drew knows that the couple who lived there was gone over the holidays but that the property was in good shape with this spring's seeds already in the barn, as well as fertiliser & all that stuff. They didn't winter over cows or chickens or anything & I bet uncle Drew is going to offer them a couple of cows & maybe a calf. There's a good cowshed there he says & a bit later, he might be able to pass them a few laying hens, as soon as we get some eggs hatched. We've got about 10 hens lying on eggs right now & we're looking forward to new chicks, especially Carol. She just loves baby animals. She's cute to watch around the foals, calves & the kittens. Izzy has positively taken over Sparky & Noreen told Carol that Spunky is HER kitten! You should have seen Carol smile!

Jared has pretty near adopted the foal that Mark found with the other horses & mark is teaching him about horses using the foal as an example. I thought I was horse crazy but that little guy is positively mad for them. I'm glad he's talking now. He still hasn't told us what happened to him, but he talks about everything else under the sun. Dad says he looks to be really, really bright. He has all sorts of questions, about everything & he's working really well at his schoolwork. Mark tries to get him on a pony every day & I think he's learning faster than I am. Bummer. But no, I'm being dumb about this. He really is working harder at it, even spending spare time doing muscle-strengthening exercises Mark taught him. By the time his foal is old enough to be broken to ride, Jared should be big enough & old enough to handle him. Mark doesn't think it's going to be a large horse. He says it looks to have some smaller breed than quarterhorse mixed in, maybe Morgan or something. He's going to muscle up well Mark says, the horse that is but by then Jarred will be good enough to cope.

I hope those people 'next door' ARE ordinary people like us. It would be so cool to meet someone new we don’t have to share a house with. I want a friend, female would be nice, my age even better. Maybe I haven't changed all that much.. I caught myself thinking about us meeting them & wondering what I was going to wear! Yeah right; probably my least dirty jeans & I might even rinse the mud off my boots & wash my hands. My hair? A pony or a braid - that keeps it out of my face & I don't have to worry about it being knotted. Actually, I haven't worried about what I look like in a while, well not much. Everybody else looks pretty much the same - maybe more tired & somehow older, but Mom & Dad, even though they're SO sad, look healthier. Even Gram & Gramps has lost weight & MT looks as well as I've seen her since she got the cancer. So if everybody looks okay, I probably do too. Not that it matters. The only boys my age around the area that I know of anyway live right here & we're too busy working to think about anything else. Mom would kill me anyway if she thought I was even thinking about boyfriends.

MT was telling me in pioneer days, girls my age were often married & had BABIES! Gawd, I can't imagine that, no way. I mean, babies are hard work everybody says & I'm sure seeing how hard the women here are working now. When were you supposed to find time to look after a baby & everything else? MT smiled when I asked her that & just told me to remember that if "I got any silly ideas". I never thought she'd say that; I was pretty embarrassed but I guess she was just being a Grandmother type, you know? Beats hearing it from Mom or Dad; I would just DIE.

I'm only 15 & boy, talk about not knowing where I'm going with my life. I wasn't thinking much about what I wanted to be before The Outbreak anyway. Mom & Dad told me to take my time, that it was a big decision. I used to worry about it anyway. I thought I had to make up my mind pretty fast. But now, it's even harder cause I don't even know what's going to be happening next week. And if I decide I wanted to be a doctor say, how am I supposed to prepare for that? We have no schools & I don't think we have more than the one doctor left right now. It's not something you can learn by practising. I asked MT about that in 1 of our talks & she said in the old days, a lot of people learned jobs by getting a job with someone in the trade or profession they wanted to be themselves. Even doctors & lawyers learned like that. Weird, I always thought they had schools for that stuff but she said no, you learned at home if you were doing what your parents did or they apprenticed you out to another tradesman. So then she had to explain to me what apprenticing mean. I think it's a pretty neat way to learn & she says a lot of jobs still are taught that way. You learn some in school & the rest of it you learn by doing, a bit at a time. I'm really liking working with animals, especially making sure they're healthy. If I keep liking it, maybe I can ask Jean to teach me. Between her, Drew & Mark for the horses I might learn enough to be a sort of vet - not a real one but close enough for these times. It's cool to think about.

I talked to Mark about that & he said he'd love to work with horses, maybe now he could teach people how to ride, to look after horses they find, especially if they're going to be using them for farm work. I suggested to him he write something for the radio station, just the really basic, important stuff, When Sarah goes back for Uncles Andy & Joe, she could drop that off. Why not? I haven't heard anything like that yet.

We have heard a lot from the doctor. I think I'd like him. He talks about really simple stuff. We're starting to have babies born in town now & he talks about babies who cry all night, tells people it's usually nothing to worry about, that they're new to this world & just getting used to being here. He's telling people to try & eat as well as they can & if they can't, to take vitamins if they can find any. He always mentions boiling water or treating it with a bit of bleach & he's been giving little talks lately about how to fix up cuts, how to bandage them & when to bring someone sick or hurt in to see him. He sounds so nice & I always feel better after listening to him, even though I'm not sick.

The radio station got a whole lot of diesel from somewhere, not sure where, so they're broadcasting every 2 hours now, for about 15 or 20 minutes. MT usually listens & takes notes & sometimes at lunch, we listen instead of talk. There's a minister now who speaks twice a day for about 5 minutes. He's trying to make people feel better I guess, but he sounds pretty discouraged himself. I think MT or someone like her should do it instead. She never pretends to have all the answers & sometimes I don't like what she has to say about God, but she always sounds so sure & even when I don't like what she's said, it makes me feel better. We sit on the porch at night sometimes when the stars are out & she says she likes to think of the stars as the souls of those who have passed on. One night Jared was out there & he asked if that was why we could see so many more stars lately, because so many had passed on with smallpox. It's because there's not much light, so we can see more at night, but I kind of liked that & so did MT. She said that might probably be it & pointed to 1 bright star shining right over the top of the maple tree that shades Greg's grave. She said that star had to be Greg's - that there were so many stars out there, everyone had his own. She suggested to Jared that he pick stars for the people he'd lost. He didn’t say anything, but he spent a long time staring out there.

Dad came up with a neat idea the other night, I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned it here. He's reading an old noel about the American Navy in the Second World War & he stopped & wondered aloud if maybe we shouldn't teach ourselves Morse code. He had to explain what it was to the little kids, but they thought that was a neat idea. I found the symbols written in an old book Gramps had brought with him & made copies for everyone. The littles are working hard & writing each other "secret messages" using dots & dashes. Drew said later on, he’d let them try it using candles. They can pass their hands in front of the flame to make the light signals. That sounds like fun & if someone across the field knew how, we could use it as a kind of telephone.

Gramps said maybe using flags, the old Scout code would be more useful, but the littles should learn 1 thing first before they try a new system. But that would be great. You could wave messages back to the house: "Bring lunch now" or something like that. We could signal warnings or anything unusual. That would be cool. Funny, we're all starting to come up with ideas now. I'm not sure where they're all coming from. It's true we're getting used to being here, to being together. We're learning to work as teams & we're learning the farm routines. Boy, I never had a clue how hard farming is & we've not even started the real stuff yet. I guess some of the ideas we're dreaming up come from just finally understanding what we're doing. Some must come from books we've forgotten reading. I was whining the other night about hating having to change my shirts all the time simply because I got kitchen slop on them. Sarah looked up & said why didn't she sew a bunch of long aprons for kitchen work. Of course! MT suggested old-fashioned sunbonnets. They make look weird, but they'll keep our heads shaded & MT says they can prevent headaches.

This sure feels like a New World, almost a dream, but each day, I feel better about making it. We all want it badly enough & nobody's lazy, that's for sure. I know it won't all go really well; we'll have accidents & lots of things probably won't work out the way we're planning. All we can do is try & pray & hope for some good luck too.

[CanadaSue]

My turn now to add our story to the Journal. When I say ‘our’, I mean, Carol & me. Having heard everyone else’s story, I’ve seen that ours isn’t so terribly different. We were home for the holidays, heard the news & did what we could to avoid getting sick. We went for vaccines as soon as we could but Mom & Dad both got sick & died anyway. I suppose they were already infected by the time the vaccines had a chance to take hold. You know by now what that illness is like. Luckily in a sense, my parents didn’t last long & died within about a day of each other. I had no way to bury them & there was no way we could stay home.

You’ll remember what the weather was like in January. Here we were, Carol & me trying to get into town. We had thought that by moving as quickly as we could, we could make the 10 or so miles in within a few days. Stupid; in my mind I’d envisioned ploughed roads & reasonable weather. I also forgot how young carol is. She may appear to be a bundle of energy but a lot of walking in very cold weather saps anyone’s strength quite quickly. We couldn’t just march off down the road either. Before we lost power, the news was full of stories of people attacking others out of fear, wanting their supplies… there was no way we could openly stroll down the roads towards town.

As it turned out, after three days out there, we hadn’t gone more than about 5 miles – nuts or what? But we had to sneak around & when the road looked too open, we waited until dark & moved to the next cover. Several times, we’d creep on what on what we thought were empty houses only to discover they were still inhabited. Obviously we avoided those; I just didn’t feel safe taking risks. When we did find houses with no one there, I tried to avoid those with bodies & most of them unfortunately, had bodies. Carol didn’t need that so we’d move on. When we did find a home with no one there, I’d break in, make sure it was safe, then Carol & I would eat & rest & try to warm up. It was a lot slower than I’d imagined it would be & both Carol & I were still really upset about losing our parents. We ‘knew’ this disease did that, but seeing it with your own family. Nothing prepares you for that.

We weren’t that far from your place actually when we found the others. Our house was actually between town here & the next village over, but I know my parents paid their taxes here. We heard them first, hard to miss the dogs barking. Poor Carol, I shoved her down into a snow bank, face first I think. I stuck my head over the edge & saw what had to be the strangest thing imaginable. A couple of dog teams, people running with them & what seemed to be kids on the sleds. Kids? That had to be good, I figured, but I waited a while longer. When they were about 500 yards away, I figured they looked okay. Carol was at the end of her rope anyway & something told me this was a chance worth taking. I stood on the road & waved, making sure Carol stayed hidden. I don’t know what she would have done if something had happened to me, but she deserved a chance.

We ended up here & you all know what kind of greeting we got, how we were fed, warmed up & made welcome. It was pretty overwhelming even though everyone was so kind. Carol & I had gotten into the mindset that we were really on our own, that the world was against us. It sure seemed that way. We had no contact with the outside world & when we left, didn’t dare try & speak with anyone. More than once, we heard gunshots & screams. That was awful & I couldn’t hide that from Carol. She’s always been a bubbly, funny little kid but like others here you’ve spoken about, she grew very quiet for a time & very shy. Carol’s never been shy, but since all this started, she sure has been. Maybe we spoke too much of the dangers at home, before my parents died. Well okay, it needed to be talked about, but maybe we should have spoken less in front of Carol.

Now here we are & we’ve been what – about a month now? In some ways it feels as though we just arrived. We felt terribly alone for so long. In other ways, not sure why, we feel as though we’ve simply slipped into the day to day operations of the family, the group already here. That is so odd, yet so wonderful. Oh the first week was really hard, tiring even. We had only met those we arrived with & here was a whole bunch more people to get to know. Even the house took time getting used to. Do you know how many times I got lost trying to find the kitchen the first few days? The idea of gathering in the evening, exchanging stories – I really have liked that. It’s been for me, the quickest way of getting to know all the people here. I think it’s helped Carol too. She’s been acting shy but she’s pretty observant & sitting with everyone in the early evenings, listening to everyone’s stories & sharing our discussions about work plans has given her a decent grasp of who everyone is, what their skills are & as they themselves have often mentioned, what they feel their flaws & weaknesses are. It’s been good for her & I think she’s starting to come out of her shell a bit.

She sure enjoys all the animals. We couldn’t have pets, dad had pretty nasty allergies to cats & dogs & I know Carol felt ‘cheated’. Well you can say she’s making up for that now. She loves that kitten, although I think she’s wanting to change its name & the calves & foals are fascinating for her. She’s told me she really wants to have her own little garden, as we’ve planned for the kids. She wants to grow catnip! Not sure we have seeds for that, but maybe we can find something close to that. She also wants to grow her own pumpkin plant for next Halloween. She’s enjoying the company of the other kids, especially the girls & although she’s not totally comfortable with the idea of riding, she’s working hard at it. She’s not fond of the dog teams either & seems more inclined to ant to work in the house & the garden. No problem there – plenty of work everywhere for everyone.

I’m sure having a tough time coping with all this. Man, 3 months ago I was getting ready to write my first semester finals for grade twelve. I had English, Journalism, World History, Philosophy, Creative Writing & Psychology. I loved those course, talk about stuff that makes you THINK. Second semester, I was taking an advanced Journalism seminar with some time at a local newspaper included. I also had European History in the Twentieth Century, Sociology, General Science & Math. It was going to be a tough semester after a series of long exams, but I was really looking forward to it. My college applications were in for Journalism Studies & I had every hope of getting accepted to a few excellent schools. Mom & Dad had money saved & I’ve been working summers for a couple of years now. Things were looking really good for me.

Now, I feel completely lost, I really do. The adults have skills & knowledge & what do I have except a lot of questions. Even Mark has a skill, working with the horses. Annette is pretty good with them too. I feel like I should be concentrating on learning some specialty really well in order to help everyone out. This might sound strange but here’s why I don’t want to do that. Call it superstitious but part of me feels that if I do that, if I learn something like harvesting corn for example, really well; then I’m giving up on any chance of us getting back what we’ve lost. Man, am I ever feeling mixed up about it. I don’t want everything back the way it was. Some of it didn’t work; a lot of other things didn’t make any sense to me. But, I knew it, kind of. I could work with it, knew that for every action ‘a’ I took, consequence ‘b’ would probably result. Now I feel like I’m turning in circles. There’s no instruction manual for this new life however long it may last. We’re all groping blindly. Hell, what exactly are we groping for? I bet if you asked everyone to answer that, you’d have a lot of different answers. Some are obvious. Right now, everyone wants to stay alive. Most of us want at least SOME of what we were used to come back. What parts we’d like to see returned probably are different for everybody.

And what about society at large? As someone wanting to be a journalist, it was recommended I do a lot of “people study” courses & I’ve found them fascinating. It was awesome to realize that I was living at a time where systems were changing quickly. Family structures haven’t changed this quickly since… I’m not sure if they ever did. It was getting harder to find families who still had both parents at home. Extended families? Forget it. Everybody dumped Grampa into nursing homes when he needed care. Crime rates were up, delinquency; all that sort of stuff. Nobody seemed really happy anymore.

But now, wow! It’s like we’ve all been slipped into a time machine & sent back 150 years. Look at us. MT, her daughter, her daughter’s kids & their kids. Four generations all in 1 place. We have adopted aunts, uncles & cousins, kind of & while we’re not used to it at all, I’m sure seeing why such groups would have had a better chance of making it in the good old days. It’s harder to get time alone, sometimes you really have to make an effort. It’s a pain when 4 kids ask you 17 questions before lunch. But, if YOU need to ask something about something, someone probably has the answer. Some people here are great to tell jokes to, others really good sources of advice on all kinds of stuff. I’m having a great time just shooting the bull with Tom & Morgan. They both have a neat way of looking at stuff. Tom has lots more time in school, but Morgan is far from stupid. He’s asked me to help him with some reading; we’re going through Walden together right now & Tom has some more books put aside for him. We read together, sometimes just Morgan & I, sometimes with Tom. We try to read a few pages or at least a few paragraphs, then discuss it. That’s new for Morgan – discussing books & the ideas expressed in them & how they relate to us today. He’s really getting off on it & I’m looking forward to reading with him next winter. Heck, maybe we can go over some basic sociology together. He’s really good with people & seems to figure them out easily enough. I bet he’d love to read through a formal framework for explaining & describing societies.

I think this next year is going to produce all sorts of fascinating family & group structures, new ways of relating & the renewal of old ways. I can watch our group here, but would love the chance to see how other groupings are working things out. What sorts of reasons will people find for staying together? Getting together is easy enough to figure out. It’s easier to stay alive this year if you’re with a group of people; all prepared to work to grow food & stuff. But what I want to know, is after people figure out what they're doing -–what is going to KEEP people together? With families, that’s not too hard to figure out. But what about couples & singles who form large family groups or communities? Man, I’d love to have my pyschology texts, as well as my sociology books here; just for reference. In some cases, it will be complementary skills. We’re kind of an example of that. Some may form communities based on religion, politics, how they view raising kids. I hope out there somewhere; someone is going to be paying attention to that kind of stuff.

I’ve spent some time with the binoculars, looking at the group that has settled across the field. There are about 4 adults; I think a couple of older girls & a half dozen kids. Are we looking at families who got together or what? Do they have the knowledge they need? The radio station mentions a new group every day, sometimes more often. Many are singles who have gotten together only because they’re tired of coping alone. Some are advertising themselves as having certain skills & trades to offer I exchange for other things – food, shelter & company. Pretty cool.

Now what about later on if this goes on for any length of time? People my age at some point are going to want to get married. So… is there going to be a legal way of doing that or what? I guess people will arrive at their own solutions for that. And divorce although I suspect we won’t see as much of that for a while. What about looking after older relatives or group members, as they grow increasingly unable to look after themselves? Will we still have compassion? Some babies will be born handicapped; what happens then?

We’re lucky here; Tom is a teacher, a good one even if he only specializes in English type courses. MT used to teach elementary school so she’s perfect for the little guys. But when they get older, are we going to be able to handle other subjects well? If not, can we find others who can or will we have some kid of school system set up by then?

So many things to worry about later on. Some of the road out front is already crumbling at the edges. The paved highways are going to be breaking down over the next few years & there’s no transportation departments left, not that I know of, to fix them up. Even if there were, what do they fix them with & when? What about running the town? Who is responsible for what? I see why Tom is always saying thinking about stuff like that produces major headaches.

Okay, I’ll admit it – I’m scared, really scared about what will happen to us all down the road. I can’t forget we bombed Iraq with a nuke. Iraq is no longer a problem but we’ve got to have pissed off a lot of countries by doing that. At some point in time, someone may come knocking at the door here & it won’t be the Welcome Wagon. What if we’re attacked by another country? I don’t know who could begin to do that in the near future; it’s hardly likely to be Canada! Or Mexico for that matter. But we have no communications with countries other than apparently a little bit from Canada & Mexico, so who knows what could happen? We don’t really have any army left either. It would come down to all of us who are left, trying to first defend ourselves & our families, then maybe our communities. Man, that is freaky & frightening to think about. It almost makes me hope every other country is as messed up as we are & in no position to even think of doing anything like that some time down the road. I keep thinking, a lot of countries still have nukes & whatever happened to our nuclear submarines, anyway? I haven’t heard anything about them or what’s going on with our missal silos. What could be happening in Russia or China? Man, I don’t think I really want to know right now.

Anyway, it’s getting close to bedtime for me. Tomorrow, after our morning chores, Tom, Sam & me; maybe Morgan will slowly & super casually walk over to close to the “new” neighbors’ place, just to say “hey” & leave a sealed note. I’m excited & scared about it –we all are. I hope it works out well & that we find they’re just like us; ordinary folks scared & doing their best. That would be the best news – that & finding out they’ve all survived smallpox or been exposed & not gotten sick.

Maybe I’ll have time to write about it tomorrow.

[CanadaSue]

It's been a long time since I've written anything here. I'm not sure when my last entry was & perhaps it's time I did add something of my own. I see everyone watching me, worrying about me. I hope they don't think I'd kill myself or anything. Even if I were so inclined, it would be so selfish. Sam & the kids would be left without me as well as Greg. Not that I'm much use to them right now; I'm sure no source of comfort. I feel dead inside most of the time & I find myself actually welcoming that. It simply hurts too much to feel & numbness lets me get through the days. It's funny, I can't seem to tire myself out working but perhaps when we start the outdoor work, I'll be able to lie down at night not dreading what dreams the darkness may bring.

I've dreamed of Greg a few times since he died. It's almost always the same thing. I look out the door just before he starts sliding off that damned roof & I scream at him not to. He never hears me though & I wake up just before he hits the wagon. I wake up with my heart pounding & sweating, no matter how cold it is in the bedroom. I'm always afraid to fall asleep again, worrying I'll find myself right back in the dream. It's never happened but I still fear it. It's hard to talk to anyone about all of this. Naturally, I'd turn to Sam, but he's hurting too & when he looks to be having a good day, I hate to think I might upset by discussing how I feel. Maybe that's a mistake. I've heard a lot of couples have trouble that way after the death of a child; they're afraid to turn to their partner for fear of somehow making them feel worse. They often end up drifting apart & very often, divorcing. I'm not sure whom I should talk to about this. It's not as if I can call some anonymous grief counselling line or anything like that. Mom or Dad? It's hit them hard as well & MT may have her faith, but I hate to bother her. Maybe Morgan, but I'm not sure I know him well enough to burden him with my concerns. I only pray time helps & that there will come a time - soon - when Sam & I can talk about Greg without either or both of us losing it completely.

I've had to struggle so hard not to be overprotective of the other children even those not mine. Time after time, I bite my tongue so hard I'm afraid it will bleed, fighting the urge to tell them not to do something, or suggest alternative, safer activities. I can't though. What went on with Greg was sheer happenstance; a most unfortunate accident & we can't raise these kids inside a cocoon of cotton batting - much as I'd like to these days. I almost die when I see the little ones getting on one of the ponies, or Annette now trotting around the corral. Some days, I have to go to another part of the house & sing to myself or find someone to speak with, just to shut out the sounds of him or her doing something so potentially risky. I've got to get a grip on those feelings.

MT does know I'm still really hurting. She sat me down yesterday & told me there was no right or wrong about grieving, no schedule for going through different stages. All we can do she said, especially at first, is get through each day as best we can & if we feel we can do no good for anyone, at least do our best not to do any harm. I felt a bit of relief to hear that from her, almost as if I was being given permission to feel what I'm feeling. When I feel, that is.

I sit through the meetings at night; the family gatherings & I feel apart from it all. I'm there, but not a real part of it. Some times I feel as though I'm just a shade, a memory of what I used to be. Would anyone notice if I disappeared? Oh now I'm being self-indulgent; of course they would notice. Everyone makes a point now of speaking to me daily, if only just to say: "Good morning". I wish I felt better, if only to ease their worries but I can't pretend what I don't feel. I did tell Sam I felt very numb but he's said not to worry about it; that sometimes our brain & emotions do that to allow us to function through very difficult times. He said it was like a plane being on automatic pilot & that as long as it didn't go on forever, it was okay. In fact, he mentioned he wished he could feel that way more. You know, we almost talked then but as usual somebody needed something & the opportunity passed. Maybe we need to take a walk alone together again. Perhaps Sunday.

It's hard to concentrate on what I'm supposed to be doing each day. I can't even tell you where my mind goes. I sit at the table with a bunch of meat to cut up for stew, a knife & a huge bowl. Next thing I know the meat is all cut & there I sit, not knowing how long I've taken to do the job, unless someone happens to come in from a job I know is usually done at a certain time. Even planning food storage for next year takes more concentration than I can muster. I find myself having to start lists over & over & they trail off into nonsense scribbles or graffiti. Thankfully, Noreen is never far away although I hope I snap out of this soon. I must be driving her crazy. No one needs an empty headed child woman roaming around.

I try to spend time with the kids but that's bittersweet. It's difficult not to see the one who's not there. When I read stories to Sammy & Timmy, I can almost hear Greg making comments about whatever book we're going through. Sammy & Greg were never much alike in looks or personality & increasingly, I find myself looking for similarities to no avail. Annette shared more of Greg's traits, but with a slightly different ‘flavour’, as she is a female. She much miss him dreadfully & I'm ashamed that I've not spoken to her more, asked her how she's feeling, what she finds hardest about his death.

I also have to start forcing myself to eat more. I had wanted to lose weight this winter if I could but not like this. I took a bath the other evening & looked at myself in the mirror afterwards. I'm positively gaunt & look like I've aged 10 years in the month since Greg's been gone. I'll have to try harder; perhaps trying what Cindy is doing - eating 4 or 5 smaller meals a day. That might make it easier to force more down & keep my weight up. After all, we're about to enter a period of very hard physical labour & I owe it to everyone to be as fit as I can. I have to be able to do my share.

I took a stroll outside the other evening, before the temperature dropped below freezing. The kitchen was cleaned & everyone was getting ready to gather together for the evening. I simply wanted to get a bit of fresh air. We'd cooked up cabbage, not one of my favourite cooking odours & I had a bit of a headache. In a corner of the farmyard, just where it would start sloping up to the woods if the fence wasn't there, there's a large, flat stone just high enough to sit on. I sat for a time; simply looking around & letting my eyes become accustomed to the dark. I could barely make out the few lights we had on in the house. We limit lamps & candles to rooms where we actually are with 1 few lamps strategically placed in hallways to prevent slips & falls. I thought I could make out a bit of light towards the other farm we know is occupied, but it may have been my imagination. A small rise in the land prevents a clear view from where I was sitting.

I relished being alone in a way I haven't managed to be since Greg died. I've been alone in my mind, but there's always been a sense of someone being too close, almost hovering. I know it's concern on everybody's part but sometimes it makes me want to scream in frustration. It was nice for a time but then I felt overwhelmingly, frighteningly alone. Yet I was frozen to that stone, couldn't move a muscle it seemed. How very frightening that was. Night never seemed so black & empty & although it wasn't the least bit COLD, I felt frozen to my core; frozen & longing for anything to warm me just the least little bit. Then, out of the blackened depths of the woods came a breeze, not a cold one but one filled with voices it seemed to me. I will swear to this day that I heard the voices of everyone who's ever crossed this land, who's lived & worked here, who's travelled across it on their way elsewhere. I'm convinced I heard Greg, a tiny laugh like he used to do when he was finding something funny, but trying to keep quiet.

That was both comforting & terrifying & I'm not sure what it is that upset me so, made me judge my own sanity so much at that point. We all have times when we're certain we've heard something not possibly there. Perhaps because it was Greg I thought I heard; Greg & the ghost voices of those who've been here. I don't even know what made me think that's what I was hearing. I'm going to have to think about that, when I can do so without being so scared.

I'm worried about Drew, Sam, Morgan & Alex heading over next door tomorrow. What if they're perceived as some sort of threat or danger? It could happen so easily. I wonder if perhaps one of the women shouldn't go too, just so that whoever's over there doesn't get the impression that they're facing 4 armed men who may want what they have? It might be worth bringing up at the breakfast table; I'll think on it tonight before I go to bed.

Before I do that though, I'd best check the boys one more time. It's been a bit noisy up there this evening & I know MT is tired tonight.

[CanadaSue]

My, aren't we all nervous this morning! As I sit here, trying not to shake as I write, Morgan, Alex, Sam & Sarah are heading over the field which lies just across the road out front. They are as planned, trying to make contact of a sort with our neighbors; the people who've been occupying the farm for the better part of 2 weeks. We were all up a bit early this morning, well before the rooster or the alarm & I suspect we all had to force down our breakfasts to some degree. Maxine suggested one of the women go along, to avoid giving the impression that a group of men only with who knows what intent was approaching. Sarah & Jean both volunteered & we chose Sarah who's visibly smaller & with her long hair more obviously 'female' looking.

The ongoing debate about bringing any sort of firearms was solved when Tom decided that no - it might be an added risk, but a visibly loaded weapon might make them more edgy. Oh they did bring handguns, but have kept those out of sight. Morgan & Sam made 2 large signs, using old sheets of plywood painted white & mounted on stakes. The first says simply: "Hi we're your neighbors - mean no harm". The second says: "Leaving note here in plastic bag telling who we are. You do same".

I've just had a peek through the binoculars, from an upstairs window. Well, more than a peek really, I stood there for a time watching their progress as they topped the rise, which lies about halfway across the field. When they reached the top, they stopped & Sarah waved a large bath sheet & they all waited, making sure their faces were visible & their hands in sight. Sam has binoculars & I expect he saw what I did, 1 of the children there noticing our group & running to the house. Within a few minutes, all were inside & no doubt, looking back at our small group on the rise. Our bunch waited a long minute then slowly raised the first sign, followed by the second, not moving any more than they had to.

Then, 1 person cautiously came out on to the porch & in turn, waved a sheet - success! Morgan then slowly held up & pointed to the large Zip Loc bag with the note & in an exaggerated fashion, placed it at his feet & partially covered it with a rock. He waved again, and then the 4 slowly turned & are heading back this way. Oh I hope they don't take too long to pick up our note! I suppose I should here reproduce what we wrote. We took quite some time deciding what we should include in it; wanting both to reassure them we mean no harm, yet not wanting to give away too much. Here it is:


'Hi there. We're the residents of the farm you and see north of the road. There are 24 of us here, men, women & children We're living here & this spring, planting the land for food. We've had our vaccines, save for 1 older member. We have no smallpox here. You're living on what was the Gerritson's farm - good land. Are any of you farmers? Do you need help? We have a farmer here, a nurse & other skilled people. We also have a radio for news. Leave a note here & we'll pick it up later.'


Not much, I know, but it's the start of contact we hope & pray. I've been sitting here praying between asking those upstairs what seems to be going on. Mark is positioned upstairs with binoculars, spelled off by Tom & they tell me that right now, our group is almost back to the road. There's been no motion from the other house, not a soul in sight. I expect they won't come out until our people have returned & they've had time to discuss their appearance. I keep telling myself to be patient!

The children here are supposedly doing some schoolwork, but if they're as excited & nervous as I am, not much work is getting done. We sent them out after their early chores to run around a bit, to get rid of some excess energy & will keep them busy in the house for the most part, until we see what sort of reaction we'll get from across the way. At the same time, as I told Tom, keeping everyone in is foolish & might give the wrong impression. Perhaps we'd be best to just carry on as usual simply keeping someone upstairs with the binoculars to watch if & how they react.

Those of us not out there are, other than praying & hoping for the best, simply trying to carry on with our normal duties. Cindy & Louise are getting lunch ready & everyone will be excitedly chattering about the neighbors today no doubt. If not, Drew has said that tomorrow we'll start ploughing the highest part of the kitchen garden. He thinks about an acre of soil is ready to be turned over then disked. Mark & Annette are quite nervous, as their efforts to ensure the teams are ready will be very much on display. With rain on the way, Drew thinks, we'll be glad simply to get the land prepared & over the next few days, we'll make sure the potato sets are ready to go into the ground. All involved will no doubt go over their responsibilities mentally & I’ve even seen the kids this morning practicing, 'planting' rocks & marking their location with the stakes Morgan & Alex have prepared.

My, mid April & we're finally going to be able to start. It's getting warmer by the day & we're seeing migrating birds passing by now. Our crocuses are blooming as are some bulbous iris & the earliest daffodils. The air smells GOOD, redolent with rich soil & incipient greenery. Soon, it will be above freezing most nights & spring will really be underway. Hopefully by then, things will be proceeding apace.

For now though, our group is almost back at the house & I must join the others for lunch. I pray the new neighbors receive our welcome in the spirit it's intended. Those poor souls; if they're frightened of our new life as we sometimes find ourselves, I hope they find comfort in our presence & I hope they prove to be companionable neighbors...

[CanadaSue]

It's now shortly past lunch & in a distracted fashion, we've all resumed our activities. Every few seconds it seems someone calls upstairs to Tom or Mark, wanting to know if anything has yet been seen from across the road. There's still no sign of anyone approaching the note but Tom says several times, persons in that yard have stopped what they were doing & looked towards the rise. We discussed over lunch how long it might take for someone to go up there & collect the note. Anne mentioned that they might choose to wait several hours in case any of us may have been harboring smallpox. The longer any virus is out in the open air, the less likely there would be enough of the particles left to sicken anyone. Sam noted that it took us quite some time & much discussion to decide how to approach this & what to include in the note. They are no doubt going through the same process. They may worry about some kind of booby trap which was why we put the note in plastic in the first place - they can clearly see there's nothing but the note & they don't even have to open the bag.

With ploughing on the horizon tomorrow we hope, we're nervously going over our plans for the day. I suppose as early as next year, we'll laugh ourselves half to death when we think of how carefully we planned this. I swear there have been military operations that went forward with less planning. Mark & Annette proudly informed us the first team of horses would be harnessed & ready to work by 8 am. Wonderful but I'm not sure anyone else will be. Drew & Morgan have almost surveyed that field, planning their first furrows & spending hours discussing the best spacing. And just how much tune up does a hoe really need? Hoes & gloves for those who will be wielding the hoes are neatly lined up on the back porch. They've been knocked over by the children a dozen times already. Baskets, small ones for the kids, are waiting to be filled with seed potatoes & bundles of stakes are neatly gathered up. I asked Noreen about this when we had a few minutes alone & she just snorted. Drew, she says is being overly careful to the point of obsession. She added that of course they planned carefully most years, but that the only thing that was changing about planting the kitchen garden was the size & the fact that the land would have to be turned by horse drawn ploughs this year.

I can't blame him really; we're all double & triple checking our lists, duties & preparations. For the first part of the garden, once the horses are harnessed & ready, Drew will move them to the field & begin ploughing. He says that land has been used a long time & should be easily manageable by the horses - a good warm-up for them. He'll give all those able to, mainly the men, a chance to try their hand at ploughing. It's early enough now, Drew has said, to do furrows over & over again if necessary. Later we won't have the luxury of time for that. After ploughing, he'll disk. I think there's normally another step or 2 in there involving equipment, but he says we'll just do that. He'll have everyone walk through the field removing any obvious large weed roots & weeds which have wintered over once the ground is turned over. Then, we'll start planting spuds. The kids will work in teams of 4; a planter, a stacker & 2 to hoe over the potatoes. Drew has decided to add an extra acre of potatoes to this part of the garden, in a week or so. He'd rather have some closer top home & the second acre will be insurance of a sort.

If the weather continues to warm as it's doing - we've reached 50 today; we'll be able to start peas, onions & other root crops. Drew says this may be a bit of a gamble. Many of these crops won't germinate until the soil is warmer, but the cooler soil shouldn't harm the seeds. A spell of cold rain is the danger though, so much of what we plant we'll try to plant in 2 sessions, a few weeks apart. This gradual warming should also allow us a gradual period of time in which to get used to a higher level of work. We'll be putting in longer days & working much harder physically. Some time to adjust will be appreciated.

Cindy & Louise will be taking care of meals & already, they're baking up a storm. They're making various cookies, cakes, pies & all sorts of goodies high in energy for quick snacks. Several of us aren't big breakfast eaters but that will have to change, especially in the case of Alex. He says he's always found breakfast put him to sleep & he hated nodding off during his morning classes. Noreen assured him he'd not be doing any nodding off hoeing or following a plough! Carol isn't a big morning eater either, but that will change too, no doubt.

Oh now here we go; word from Mark upstairs. 2 of the men from the farm are cautiously moving towards the rise. Oh good! I'm dying to hear how they look when they see the note. But while I wait, let me continue...

The girls are also making more meat pies which can be kept refrigerated for quick meals when we're tired, extra bread which can be frozen & tomorrow, they've mentioned they want to make sure that outer clothing, jeans, workshirts & the like are laundered. We reminded everyone yesterday evening that just because clothing was covered with dirt or mud that didn't mean it needed washing especially if the same mess was going to cover tomorrow's clothes! We think we've found a reasonable compromise. Everyone will work with 2 sets of heavy shirts & jeans. The ones they come home in which are wet & muddy will get hung out the next day to dry. Once they've dried, the mud can be beaten off. In the meantime, they're wearing the second set of clothing. The third day, they return to the first set while the second dries & so on, until items begin to smell too badly! Of course, this clothing will be too dirt covered to wear indoors for sit down meals such as supper, so everyone has been given a hemmed pillowcase with a drawstring & their name marked on it. Indoor clothes, clean ones; will be placed inside & changed into once the days outdoor tasks are done. Mark & Annette have been doing that when they get really filthy in the barn & it's worked well. Why not adopt that for all?

More news from upstairs. The neighbors have looked at the note, both sides, have carefully picked it up & are heading back to the house. Excellent! Even better, before they returned, they turned to face here & both waved in a vigorous, hopefully friendly way. One held up a finger as if to say: "Wait a minute" or "later". That's how Tom interpreted it anyway. Perhaps we'll see them again today.

Back to discussions of daily matters... while waiting for our group to return, I had the radio on. There's finally been news from Washington, a mixed blessing at best. The Oval Office news was given by a solemn sounding Vice President according to the newscaster here; they're getting this fourth or fifth hand. It seems the President is quite ill, NOT with smallpox but with what appears to be flu. He's been bedridden for 2 days now & is still very sick. The Vice President asked for the nation's prayers. He will certainly get them. Few are left of those who made up the Cabinet, the Senate or Congress. The Vice President noted that that the usual levels & nature of responsibility had changed for all official Washington still on their feet. He gave some detail, which we all found interesting & worthy of thought & discussion.

The Department of Defence has little left under its command in terms of manpower. Perhaps 100,000 or so soldiers, sailors & airmen are still alive and/or available for duty. Alex wondered the other day what had happened to our submarines, the ones that cruise in deepest secrecy carrying nuclear weapons. The Vice President partially answered that, saying they were still on patrol; those that had been out when The Outbreak started & that 3 others had gone to sea as soon as they could once The Outbreak had begun. It seems the sailors have had their vaccines; the 3 submarines which went out later had a chance to vaccinate their crews before leaving & the others were told to report to certain, undisclosed locations in order to obtain vaccine. Exactly how many are at sea & where they are was not revealed. I expect that they're probably observing other nations when they can, coastal areas anyway & reporting back to Washington somehow.

The Defence Department is working with Health & Interior, trying to draw up long term plans for the nation. The VP admitted this is proving difficult to do with so little information available about how people are faring across the country. Washington is doing its best to gather that information, but it's proving difficult. To know about a place you must either be able to get there or speak with someone there. Both these conditions are hard to meet right now. Even dedicated communications need to be powered & staffed with people who know what they're doing. Fuel is in extremely short supply everywhere, as are people willing or able to provide the services needed.

From the little they can confirm, the major cities are in terrible shape with each city having a wide range of extremely serious problems. The major issues include complete lack of food & potable water & of course, millions of bodies lying about. Vermin are increasing at a staggering rate & secondary diseases now being seen. Fear is also epidemic. Early in the Outbreak, gangs roamed many streets; shooting, threatening, generally acting as they pleased. Many of these are dead, but the fear remains. No one wants to have survived smallpox only to die due to some idiot's weapon. This fear is keeping people huddled where they may be although most will have to leave soon, in search of food. The VP is encouraging anyone planning such an exodus to move quickly, but safely; to get as far away from their home city as they can manage as the closer they remain to large urban areas, the more likely it is that supplies will be unavailable. He suggested waiting until one could be fairly sure that winter weather was finished. If they had to move sooner, they are to be sure & dress appropriately & to bring warm sleeping bags & other useful equipment.

The news team reported that they were told or heard, from the person who heard the original broadcast, that the Vice President sounded both frustrated & discouraged while passing on this advice, as well as the subsequent advice about being as careful & safety conscious as possible while moving. I can understand; who would want to instruct his people to abandon the cities - the visible strength of the nation? I submit that strength lies elsewhere, but vibrant cities are obvious in their prosperity, diversity & innovation. Yet for a time it seems we must begin to rebuild from outside the core areas. In a sense that's how this nation was originally built. The largest cities tended to be transport hubs from where settlers left for the rapidly opening areas of wilderness. They are far less wild now, yet still possess those qualities which made them attractive to early settlers - the opportunity to become self-sufficient & indeed, prosperous.

The Vice President spoke at some length about the need for people to look after themselves. He encouraged those who by profession live off the land & seas, farmers, fishers & those who operate greenhouses to do their utmost to grow beyond what they can use. That surplus he stated should be used to trade for services & other goods. Obviously the more who do decide to try & garden or farm, the more likely it is that people can look after themselves. Some will not be able to however. They may not have the skills or even the most basic equipment needed. They may be elderly or infirm or disabled in a way that prevents such work. They may not soon enough find land they can till. Oh we're in for a hard winter in many ways next year. Smallpox may be gone by then or will at least have passed through most of the population, but hunger will remain an ever-present specter, as will other diseases.

In terms of areas of national or even state level responsibility, transportation of all kinds especially repairs & maintenance thereof, has effectively been abandoned. The Vice President said while the disadvantages of this should be clear to all; in a twisted sort of way there are advantages. Without easy transport, there's less chance of too many moving too quickly to other areas & possibly spreading secondary waves of smallpox. Also, that many people moving through areas within a short period of time would resemble the movement of a plague of locusts with similar results. Think of rampaging Mongol hordes & that sort of thing. True, people will still be moving in relatively large numbers but not as many & not as quickly. It hurts to think how few people altogether there remain to do any moving about anywhere. If we're down to a population of perhaps 30 million at the most, many will choose to remain where they are, especially if they're in smaller communities with a better chance of growing food, not to mention family & friends. Even so, many of these smaller communities will themselves be empty or close to empty. It's depressing to think of America's roads & highways, those vital connections between communities, resembling dusty strings of pearls growing lackluster with age & lack of use.

But what on earth can the President, the Vice President, and any member of the Cabinet do? Currently they're only estimating a remaining population of 30 million or so. The disease struck very quickly & although it's somewhat following the traditional patterns of waves of infection, these waves are occurring every week or so instead of every 2 weeks. It's confusing because the 'natural strains' are on a 2-week schedule but the bio-engineered strain is faster. Assuming 30 million people are left, how many of those have had & recovered from smallpox or simply proved immune? How many are counting on the vaccine to protect them? It seems the vaccine is only providing protection for about 1 in 4 otherwise healthy vaccinated people. To suggest that's bad news is seriously understating the nature & severity of the problem.

Do you remember what it's like to be standing by a pool or swimming hole on a hot, humid day? You know the water is cold, you long to feel cool but are squeamish about getting wet because of the contrasting temperatures. You choose to either ease your way in slowly or close your eyes, hold your breath & jump in - getting it over with quickly. We're all in the process of dipping our toes into the smallpox pool. Most of us have isolated ourselves from our neighbors, our friends, for fear of either infecting them or becoming infected ourselves. Maybe we'd recover as a nation more quickly if we jumped in, so to speak. Granted, many more would die, but we have "time" to catch it, live or die as is Chosen for us, then recover & plant what we need for next winter. This may be the brutally stark choice, but we'd get through the crisis much faster.

Oh what a choice! There are decided advantages & disadvantages to both approaches & much fear accompanies either selection. For myself, I don't worry about dying. I do fear dying alone -although that wouldn't happen here & I dread passing on not in my right mind or in terrible pain. I know my Annie wouldn't let me suffer, but to not have a chance to say my good-byes? A hateful thought. I'm quite certain Joe & Jake are immune, either naturally or by grace of the vaccines. Anne is surely safe as well. All 3 had to deal with The Outbreak & the public when the disease seemed to be at its worst. Morgan, Sarah, Mark & Jared, Alex & Carol & the others all survived it or looked after family members with the disease without ill effects themselves & some did not have the means to isolate their family members. At risk are left myself, Tom, Sam, Maxine & their children, Cindy & perhaps Joe & Noreen. Other than myself, all are vaccinated & have been eating well, resting properly most of the time & working hard enough to guarantee good health. I suspect we'd probably be fine although statistically, some would sicken & a few of those would die. I don't like the idea of making that call, of imposing that decision on others. Playing God is best left to God. He calls us home when He sees fit.

Still, even at my age I'm impatient & sometimes I feel like marching outside, looking up at the heavens, shaking my fist & shouting: "Well get on with it then!". Absurd to think it's my role to question the Almighty, but I'm only human after all, not blessed with great wisdom, understanding of knowledge of His purpose. I can only take events as they come, relying on His guidance & His love for all His creatures.

Oh my! News from upstairs. It's been about 3 hours now since the pair of men retrieved our note. Now, Sarah reports they're walking back up the hill with what looks to be... a mailbox??? And, a hammer. Sarah says... yes, they appear to have some sort of note or package with them! Oh wonderful. Even if they're simply telling us to let them be, we're going to have some initial contact. They've reached the top of the rise now & Sarah is excited. Tom is up there with a second set of binoculars & he reports that both men are smiling & waving at the house here! Now one man is giving a 'thumbs up' gesture & the other is... oh what a GOOD idea. He's hammered a mailbox into the ground up there, has visibly placed something in the box & how cute!, has raised the little red delivery flag.

Well now that certainly shows some quick thinking & what an excellent idea. Now, assuming what's in the note is good news, we don’t have to waste time looking for indications of messages. If the flag is up, something's there. If not, no point in heading over. Alex & Jean are getting their boots & jackets on & will head over immediately, leaving a note saying they'll read the note left for us & try to reply before dark.

I'm dying to read what they have to say; we all are, but we'll have to wait until Alex & Jean are back & I suppose I'd best use the necessary before I get too excited or a line develops!

[CanadaSue]

Well now, what an exciting day this has turned out to be & I'm delighted at the response we received to the note to our new neighbours. We're all excited, even Maxine is looking more alive than I've seen her in some time. It's been hard to concentrate on work with all the chattering we've been doing. First, I suppose I should copy the contents of the note here before it gets lost or read to bits:

'Hello there. We're the Merediths & Runnings. We are Jackson, (Jack) 39, Meredith & wife Alia 36. 3 kids: 16 year old Chelsea & Farrah & 10 year old Dustin. Mike 41 & Samantha 33 Running with 2 kids: Andrew 9 & Michaela 7. Also 76 year old neighbour with us & 2 orphaned kids; Colin Freeman aged 5 & 9 year old Esabelle Liu. Travelled about 70 miles to get here - knew people here & know the area. Not farmers but have gardened. Have books & tools. Found seeds. No smallpox - all had vaccines and or exposure with no illness. Have 6-8 months of food if rationed. Jack former bank loan officer, Meredith high school science teacher, Mike truck driver, Samantha home maker former taxi dispatcher. Older neighbour, Mrs. Alice Golightly homemaker in good health. We're doing okay. Nice to 'meet' you. Raise flag when leaving note. More people on next farm from us - just got there yesterday. Small group too. No contact with them. How many are you? Need help?"

Well that sounds so blessedly ordinary even if such basic information gives rise to so many more questions about our neighbours. Where exactly did they come from? What made them decide to come here? How are they coping, what are they planning? Some can be guessed at from their note, much more will require further communication. Imagine; they've recently arrived & they're asking US if we need help! Now that bodes well. My to think that the arrival of neighbours could seem so exciting. In our day & age, such activity is so... ordinary. Mind, the definitions of ordinary are changing rapidly. A new group of apparently congenial people is now far more than a pleasant occurrence. It's a ray of hope that civilisation isn't dead. After months of huddling in the cold & dark for many, of being held hostage by primal worries, any cause for optimism is a blessing.

We sent back a note fairly quickly giving our names & ages as well as former & current occupations. We thanked them for the help offered & added we were pretty well set up. Drew brought a covered plastic bucket of milk & we "sacrificed" a dozen eggs as a 'welcome to the neighbourhood' gift. I bet they've not seen either in a long time & with children, that will be a nice treat.

When they came to fetch the note this time, they brought paper & pen with them & wrote a huge THANK YOU. They also offered us about 20 pounds of white sugar, saying that was one thing they were not short of. We are somewhat concerned about our sugar supply & gratefully received their gift. More information from them as follows; they've come from over Kewannee way; that doesn't mean much to me but Drew says he knows that area fairly well. There were rumours circulating around there that many refugees would be heading that way. The rumours were not backed by anything verifiable but the Runnings & Merediths didn't feel like risking it, not with many young ones & in their opinion, too few adults to defend them. They have a few rifles & shotguns, but concentrated on bringing food & clothing. They also brought a large quantity of concentrated bleach powder; the sort used in pools. They mentioned they’d have to be careful with what they have but are ready to work.

Now we'll happily accept the white sugar & Drew, Tom & Sam are sitting down right now talking over what they've learned about the neighbours. We're half inclined to offer them help, but we're beginning to feel the time crunch too. Drew says they have 1 advantage they may not be aware of - the farm they're occupying has roughly 50 acres already planted in winter wheat & the land was ploughed over in the fall. That means they can get away with some hoeing & manual removal of weeds & weed roots for now. Drew says the most realistic help we can offer really, is advice, perhaps some extra seed if they're short on any particular type & a knowledge that they have neighbours close by who are not interested in taking what they have. Their learning curve will be even steeper than ours & we at least have the benefit of the horses & ploughs.

The arrival of these neighbours & contact with them has led us to a logical next concern, over & above the obvious ones of worry about intent & our safety. In the next few weeks & months, many will arrive in this area & most may be poorly prepared & equipped for life here. The land will be waiting, shelter available, but are they ready to immediately set to work preparing for next winter? We've had time to do just that & have spent long hours contemplating what we have to do & how best to go about doing it. New people coming in will not have that luxury & increasingly, the reality of what we all face is hitting home. Both the mayor & the Vice President have encouraged people to plant as much as they can. More than they require for their own use if possible. I'm understanding why now & our family discussion last night included a long period of time talking about how later this summer, as crops ripen & food lies in the fields ready to gather; how we'll have to be very careful in terms of our personal safety & the protection of our crops.

It would be beyond discouraging to work all summer only to have crops stolen just before we were going to harvest them or just after we did. Sam pointed out that we also had to consider that the town, state or federal levels of government might decided for us - or try to - how much of our crop WE 'needed' & how much should be tithed, taxed, turned over... for the 'common good'. Now I'm of 2 minds about this. I've never been happy about the welfare system. Certainly I can think of some uses for it, short term uses for crises, but the idea of working my fingers to the bone for the benefit of someone to lazy to work really gets my goat. I have absolutely no problems with bringing some of our crops to city hall for those people working there. There ARE valid municipal responsibilities, which we must ensure are carried out. If that means those charged with certain responsibilities cannot grow their own food, so be it. But the very idea of someone sitting on a porch all summer, idly watching more diligent people work, then taking the fruit of their labour is enough to raise my blood pressure to dangerous levels. I'm encouraging everyone to think of ways we can safeguard our hard earned gains once they're harvested. I have a few ideas of my own.

Goodness, I've strayed what I was planning on writing. I'm simply glad that our new neighbours appear to ready to some degree. They say they have seeds & Drew knows that the owners did have seed put by, quite a bit of it considering they were a commercial operation. Between that & the winter wheat, not to mention ploughing done in the fall, they're probably off to a far better start than most will be as they begin to arrive in this area. Now I'll admit I'm making a huge assumption here, that many will choose to relocate here. I believe I may be worrying myself for nothing. If roughly 30 million of our population will remain alive when all is said & done, how they're distributed across the country probably will not vary greatly from pre-Outbreak times. Illinois I believe had roughly twelve & a half million people. Because most of would have been concentrated in the cities, I doubt as many as 1/10 of those would have lived. But if I assume 1 million remain alive, many are already located where they wish to be or close to that. Of those remaining in the cities, I expect most will try to leave but there's no guarantee they'll head this way. They may head south, north & that's assuming they choose to stay within the state. There is a vast amount of land here; most of it empty, so we may remain unmolested - if I can put it that strongly.

You see, I'm not used to thinking of America as anything other than a large nation, bustling with humanity. That’s an incorrect impression actually, as much of the country is under or unpopulated. The cities & their outlying suburban areas are full of people. Major traffic corridors, leading from one major urban center to another are also full of people… or traffic anyway. Yet we rarely see news or other programs showing areas which are sparsely populated. We turn on the television & we see people. When you ask people of their first impression of Illinois; they probably answer: Chicago, Peoria, Springfield & other large urban areas, forgetting vast parts of the state are thinly populated farmland. Much the same can be said for the Midwest & the west, save for the coasts.

What I see now looking outside, lots of land, some animals & fewer people may remain the same here at least, for the foreseeable future. That says to me that given decent weather, hard work & a solid helping of luck, we in these regions will do well. The crowded north east & south may find it altogether different. However they have other advantages, especially the south – longer growing seasons & less foul weather during winter months. No, I doubt any location in the country has a set of advantages distinct enough to guarantee it will recover more quickly. Even the cities have built-in advantages that may not be readily apparent.

So I may be worried for nothing in terms of being concerned about keeping what we grow. In any case, we have an abundance of adults & older teens all of whom either shoot well or will within a few short months. We are not short of either well-maintained firearms or ammunition nor are we short of interest in the matter. If God sees fit to help us to a good crop, we’ll do our best to protect it.

Now the gathering this evening had no shortage of topics for conversation. Drew insisted we discuss tomorrow’s work before we talk of more pleasant things, but we went over that one more time before we spoke of the neighbours. Drew has saved quite a surprise for us. I know I was certainly concerned with this year’s crops, not so much harvesting it as planting it, turning over the land & seeding. Drew informed us he has 2 large tanks of fuel, buried & well hidden. He has in there enough fuel to plough every bit of field we wish to seed this year. If we’re lucky & if the fuel doesn’t spoil, we may have enough for part of next year’s ploughing as well. We sat stunned when he announced that. You should have seen the grin on his face! And the looks of relief on the faces of everyone who’ll be ploughing or who’d planned to be.

Now Drew told us this for a reason. He still wants to do some ploughing, as he’d like to offer the neighbours his services as a ploughman. He says he feels guilty in a way that they have nothing but good intentions & lots of hand tools. He estimates he can plough up enough to get most of the land we need cleared & do it fairly quickly. He thinks we can, between the teams & people remaining, plough up enough to plough & plant the remainder of what we’d planned. That way, he can turn over a good 100 or so acres of land for them. They may not be able to use it all, but they did mention they have neighbours on the other side & if they prove to be people they feel they can work with, who knows what arrangement they may come up with? Drew says within a week, 2 at most, he’ll be ready to do the main ploughing. He simply wishes to tune up his tractor & whatever equipment he uses & wait on the weather.

God is good. I’ll confess, I had wondered why Drew at times went around with a whistle on his lips & a twinkle in his eye in the face of so much work! God had truly blessed him with foresight & it behoves us to pass on such a Great Gift by helping our neighbours as best we can. I have no doubt they’ll end up repaying us in ways we can’t imagine now. I’m certainly not keeping a tally sheet. Drew is planning on letting them know tomorrow what sort of help we’d like to provide them with the ploughing. I think they’ll have few problems sorting out the details!

Now many reading this is the future may think – no matter how that turned out – that planning such neighbourliness without really knowing these people was just plain foolish. Would it not be more sensible to save the fuel & the labour for our own land? Well you’ll have to answer that from where you are. You’re reading this sometime in the future & sitting here writing this, I have no way of knowing how it turned out. But I look at it this way. It’s true that Tom is a prudent man & Drew is also. Both men & their families went without as they took seriously their stewardship of their families & their land. It can be argued that they deserve to keep all the fruits of their labour. Perhaps in a purely logical way that is correct. But where’s the compassion, the humanity in that? By sharing what we have, we acknowledge that we are but frail humans & that one day we may not be so well placed. We may require the generosity of others. Perhaps we’ll never need something from our neighbours but, they may meet someone who needs help from them & can take our help & “pay it forward” just like a movie I watched once – great film & a really bittersweet ending. No man is an island & no family is an archipelago, if I may coin a bad phrase. I strongly feel we have a mutual obligation to assist each other when that assistance renders each other stronger. Now maybe our family’s history will prove me wrong, but my faith tells me differently. And in a pinch, I have to go with what my faith tell me to do.

Now we talked this over & agreed this was the best course of action to take & Drew as I said, will propose this to our neighbours tomorrow. Once that was agreed, we enjoyed a pleasant hour speculating about our neighbours; what are they like, what interests we may find we share… Annette is delighted to have not 1 but 2 girls her age over there. I’m delighted for her & perhaps it will mean Mark stops following her like a love struck calf. He’s a nice boy, well mannered, a hard worker, but fancies himself “in love” with Annette I imagine & she simply doesn’t see him that way. Thank goodness. She’s a bit young for anything that intense. Life in general right now is too intense.

I think now, I’ll lay this Journal down & get myself off to bed. We’ll be up early & while we’re excited about the coming day, it will be taxing on many levels. I’ll be praying a little longer tonight, in gratitude for out neighbours & asking for His help with our tasks tomorrow.

May God keep us safe in His loving arms…